26 | girl actress, normal comedian
brooklyn
- Tweets 26,739
- Following 1,444
- Followers 142,084
- Likes 179,266
Screaming and crying as a six year old trying to explain what bitcoin is to my parents mid-divorce
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This is honestly my dream relationship I love shit like this can you imagine how annoyed their friends are
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck were spotted kissing and holding hands during brunch with kids, @PageSix reports.
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In 8th grade this kid would come in every day and announce to the class if the pacers won or lost. No one cared. Then one day he seemed sad and didn’t announce it, so we asked him if they won or not and he said “you guys don’t care.”
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it’s hard for me to say this but if Jim Carrey was born in the 90’s he would be doing these kind of videos
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do y’all remember when the Spider Pig song came out because my second grade class had to have an assembly where they told us we weren’t allowed to sing it anymore
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Life is amazing I can’t believe I’m 25 and just found out I like to draw
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Walking to party eating bag of popcorn and a man on the street just pointed at me and said “I never even considered that!!”
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Riddle me this, Batman… Why do they call it oven when you of in the cold food of out hot eat the food?
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Women have been reading these books for hundreds of years so whatever but I think my problem is that they have cute colorful covers now and are spread all over book stores VS formerly having hardcore shirtless men covers and being secluded in one section
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If your boss makes you find someone to cover your shift you should be allowed to let like a random guy take your shift that doesn’t even work there
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Whatever candidate promises to ban LED headlights I’m voting for I’m now a single issue voter
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Dental assistant is a job for only the most beautiful women in the world they are angels and the dental light is their halo they protect me from the evil dentist
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I love in cult documentaries when you can tell the former members are still kinda into it
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My entire life they only thing I knew my dad liked was bikes (raced in the Tour de France, owned a bike store) and Pee Wee Herman. I finally watched Pee Wee’s Big Adventure because I wanted to know what my dad’s sense of humor was like. It’s about a fucking bike.
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You can be the most talented millennial in the world but you’re still a millennial at the end of the day
Taylor Swift on re-recording her old albums: “I’m collecting horcruxes. I’m collecting infinity stones. Gandalf’s voice is in my head every time I put out a new one. For me, it is a movie now” ti.me/47V6iaC
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Oh your “love language” is “quality time”??? Do you also enjoy drinking water and eating food??
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I had to explain to a man that period blood isn’t like just liquid blood and that it’s more similar to a Venom type creature
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If I had a boyfriend with a podcast I would be like “ew gross I’m not listening to that, I get enough of you already!” but I would secretly be subscribed to his patreon under the alias Chandler Corn and comment stuff like “not y’all’s best work this week… 😐”
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Honey, your shit from a butt is ready!
Researchers have designed a robot that can create and cook a cake with up to seven ingredients, more than any other printed food to date.
Learn more: scim.ag/5hJ @NewsfromScience
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I found out my general check up doctor used AI to read my EKG and sent me to the cardiologist because the AI said I had a heart attack and the cardiologist was like why on earth are you here and so basically I thought I was dying for a month for no reason!!!!!!! Thank you AI!!!!!
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It’s amazing that Conclave will get watched like a Christmas movie every time a pope dies now forever
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I leaned over to my friend when this happened to say something stupid like “yeah guys, Superman is right” but then I say she fully had tears streaming down her face like this emoji 😭
Superman’s speech has been officially released.
“I love, I get scared... I screw up all the time but that is being human, and that’s my greatest strength” nitter.app/superheromedia_/status…
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Flop incoming
Christopher Nolan is set to direct film about J. Robert Oppenheimer’s role in the development of the atom bomb during WWII.
Cillian Murphy is in talks to star.
(deadline.com/2021/09/christo…)
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My ultimate sexual fantasy is that I annoy a man so much that he falls in love with me
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I can’t believe I’m never going to experience this
no wonder james gunn broke down in tears filming this scene this is real cinema to Me nitter.app/shadypemberley/status/…
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In my Oppenheimer screening there was a group of 10 teenage boys in front of me and when he said the “I have become death” line the first time they all turned to the guy in the middle and soy faced at him and like violently shook him
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This is awesome they threw every fetish they could think of at the wall and just saw what sticked. Sure I’ll fuck my step brother professor alpha werewolf who gives a fuck anymore
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One time a guy I was dating saw me make another guy laugh and he didn’t talk to me for a week
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Guy at work just said my socks were off dress code so I said okay do you want me to take them off and he said no and I said okay what do you want me to do and then we just stared at each other
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What does this have to do with Kim Possible
not gonna fight about this with my ex from a brief toxic relationship that ended over a year ago.
piss part is true, but being called an “abuser” by the person who would physically block me from leaving the room during fights i wanted to deescalate is a bit on the nose.
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If you think it’s weird to make your neighbors a meal when they first move in, you need to log off for a very long time and learn how to be a member of your community
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The dunkey quote in the high school year book ohhhh we would have loved each other
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“ugh I love how air conditioned air smells” - Girl who’s about to find out she has mold in her A/C unit
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I’m horrified to have children because what if I don’t feel as maternally bonded to my own kid as I do to Butters from South Park
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no nut November:
- boring
- played out bit
- reasonable
no piss November:
- new and exciting
- full of possibilities
- life threatening
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Scully is a better woman than me because if they assigned me to be this man’s partner I would have just gone along with whatever they hell he said. Yeah man aliens are real as hell can we have sex on your desk please please
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You guys are teenage girls
Hangover cure:
-50 push-ups
-black coffee
-drive to your friend’s place because you don’t wanna be alone
-the only person there is his girlfriend’s friend from home (she played Soccer in College and her body is insane)
-talk to her like you already know her and find out she’s equally hungover (you can tell by her body language you passed the “would I bang him” test), say yes when she asks you to tan with her on the back porch
-get her ranting about how she hates nightclubs and how unhealthy the average person’s diets are, find out you both daydream about being hot and healthy living in Florida in your 40s
-remain calm when she pulls you inside and takes her bikini off, smash on the kitchen counter making eye contact without a condom
-shower together then set the AC to 60 and close the window blinds and fall asleep on the couch
-when you wake up go to the grocery store and buy your friend food for the next 3 weeks
-when he gets home grill ribeyes with him while his girlfriend and friend make protein pasta and berries smoothies
-eat dinner together then play cards
-give the girl a ride home and smash again and watch Casino Royale
-carry her to bed when she falls asleep
-put on “How To Save A Life” on your drive home and realize you’re living a phase of your life you’re gonna wanna return to one day (this makes you 10% sad 90% wildly grateful to be alive)
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Guys what ethnicity do we think the fire Navi are coded as
Just announced at #D23, our title for the next Avatar film:
Avatar: Fire and Ash. Get ready to journey back to Pandora, in theaters December 19, 2025.
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They should make it 9 episodes and have a filler Halloween episode
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It’s so cool how mental health awareness turned into self care which then turned into getting Botox at 23
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