High testosterone behaviors: -talk to people like you already know them -lift weights -go for walks -unfollow Instagram models -leave massive tips at restaurants -don’t hookup with a girl who you wouldn’t be pumped to show off to your friends (because she’s so hot and emotionally mature it makes them want a girlfriend) -don’t get drunk or high with anyone who isn’t a good person -buy drinks for people without expecting one in return -be totally fine with staying in on a Friday night to watch Batman -realize there’s nothing more important than your health (don’t just tell yourself the words like you’re reciting mindless facts in Social Studies class - actually download the belief) -take random moments throughout your week to realize you’re spinning on a sphere in an infinite universe and the fact you’re alive is a 1 in 500 trillion miracle… every day you wake up you win the freaking lottery :)

Life is amazing: -get jacked -crush it in your career -ask your crush out on a date (if she says no repeat steps 1 and 2 until she says yes) -make her your girlfriend then your wife -when you’re married keep getting jacked and keep crushing it in your career -leave massive tips at restaurants -make large anonymous donations to special needs charities -buy drinks for people without expecting one in return -live in the same town with your boys one day coaching your kids’ Little League team together -be a hot strong dad -host banger Fourth Of July parties -be the house everyone in your town wants to be at on Thanksgiving -be the hero you daydreamed about being when you were 15

If you don’t fantasize about: -your next workout -busting inside your crush -hosting Christmas parties with her as a hot married couple -watching Rocky movies with her dad staying up til 2AM smoking cigars -living in the same town with your boys one day coaching your kids’ Little League team together -being a hot strong dad then you don’t understand life.

Hangover cure: -50 push-ups -black coffee -drive to your friend’s place because you don’t wanna be alone -the only person there is his girlfriend’s friend from home (she played Soccer in College and her body is insane) -talk to her like you already know her and find out she’s equally hungover (you can tell by her body language you passed the “would I bang him” test), say yes when she asks you to tan with her on the back porch -get her ranting about how she hates nightclubs and how unhealthy the average person’s diets are, find out you both daydream about being hot and healthy living in Florida in your 40s -remain calm when she pulls you inside and takes her bikini off, smash on the kitchen counter making eye contact without a condom -shower together then set the AC to 60 and close the window blinds and fall asleep on the couch -when you wake up go to the grocery store and buy your friend food for the next 3 weeks -when he gets home grill ribeyes with him while his girlfriend and friend make protein pasta and berries smoothies -eat dinner together then play cards -give the girl a ride home and smash again and watch Casino Royale -carry her to bed when she falls asleep -put on “How To Save A Life” on your drive home and realize you’re living a phase of your life you’re gonna wanna return to one day (this makes you 10% sad 90% wildly grateful to be alive)

I didn’t know girls did this. This is epic. (Men are led to believe girls hate each other/perpetually work to sabotage each other)

Hangover cure: 1. Wake up randomly grateful and walk to a playground with your boys and smash chin-ups and dips in the Sun 2. See a girl you know running hill sprints (she played Soccer at your College and her body is insane) 3. Ask her to get coffee with you and find out she’s equally hungover - talk to her like you already know her, have a conversation that belongs in a 2005 Rom-Com, say yes when she asks if she can shower at your place (afterwards let her wear one of your HS football t-shirts) 4. Watch Mindhunter (Season 1) while banging between episodes (her butt and calves are even more astonishing in-person than in pictures) 5. Make pancakes together while listening to 2000-2010 throwbacks (Daughters by John Mayer, If I Were A Boy, etc.) 6. Get a phone call from your cool Uncle and have a hilarious 29-minute talk about how he coincidentally used to bartend at the same place as the Soccer girl’s unmarried Aunt (your cool Uncle = the one you can tell party-related secrets to) 7. Take a 3-hour nap 8. Watch 13 Going On 30 9. At 1AM order deluxe-sized acai bowls (don’t ask her if she wants one, just get one for her) 10. Wake up in the middle of the night with her head resting on your chest and her leg wrapped across your body and look out your window at the stars and wonder why the universe likes you so much Important: 1) Let her and your Uncle do the majority of the talking - let him frame you as the chillest/most Derek Jeter-like dude of all time 2) Pull the window blinds down to eliminate glare on the TV screen 3) The t-shirt you give her must be 100% cotton 4) No work-related talk, no checking Instagram - no checking any apps other than Twitter

Hangover cure: 1. Sunlight + iced coffee 2. Gym (dips & rows) 3. 21-minute phone call with your cool Uncle (the one you can tell anything to, judgment-free) 4. Eat breakfast food with your boys at a diner at 2PM 5. Go back to one of their places and watch 5 episodes of The Office 6. Hangout with the girl you’re hooking up with, have B+ sex then break it off peacefully - explain to her this isn’t good enough for either of you then hug her goodbye 7. Cigarette (optional) 8. Watch ‘The Dark Knight’ while writing banger tweets 9. Order an açaí bowl from Playa Bowl Important: 1) no checking Instagram 2) the phone call with your Uncle cannot be planned, it needs to be serendipitous 3) any coffee you drink must be black

Things that are in: -Lifting weights -Dive bars -Having a hot wife -Eating healthy 90% of the time -Girls with good bodies -Pregaming with the right people all night instead of rotting your soul in nightclubs with people you don’t like or trust -Not wearing condoms (you should only be sleeping with girls you don’t feel the need to wear a condom with) -Encouraging little kids to punch bullies in the face Things that are out: -Complaining -Being a victim -Calling yourself a “hopeless romantic” (yikes) -Leaking your boys’ secrets for social gains -Arguing with anyone besides your 5 closest friends -Guys who spend too much time with their girlfriend (unhealthy) -Bickering about who owes each other exactly what on a dinner bill -Following Instagram models/liking their pictures (insane) -Making weed your personality -Making running your personality -Settling for a girlfriend you aren’t fired up about (if you don’t fantasize about living with her in Ancient Rome she’s not the one)

Things that are in: -Lifting weights -Walking -Bragging about your boy to his girlfriend when he’s in the bathroom/is otherwise occupied -Zay Flowers -Julian Edelman podcast clips -Girls who love their dad -Girls 1-3 years older than you -2000-2010 throwbacks (When You Were Young by The Killers, Daughters by John Mayer, etc.) -Watching Harry Potter movies late at night Things that are out: -Gossiping -Eating junk food -Bragging about making your bed -Self-deprecating behavior in an attempt to be liked -Backhanded compliments -Speaking negatively about girls you’ve hooked up with (this is a psychotically bad look) -Smoking pot while the Sun is up -Watching Tik-Tok while the Sun is up -Making running your personality -Complaining about the logistics of parties/weddings

Hangover cure: -black coffee -hot shower -invite your boys over and make a well thought-out food order (breakfast sandwiches and tater tots) -watch Hell Or High Water then take a 90-minute nap -hit the gym together (upper body) -see a group of 3 baddies doing treadmill sprints, invite them over for the March Madness games (their bodies are insane and they have older brothers so they’re chill) -one of them stares at you unnecessarily long and grabs your inner elbow while asking where your bathroom is (you can tell she isn’t a great person she’s just being warm because she likes you) -make dinner as a group to a playlist of 2000s throwbacks (Boston by Augustana, How To Save A Life by The Fray, etc.) -have a hilarious 21-minute phone call with your cool Uncle on speaker phone, let the girls ask him unlimited questions about the night he met your Aunt (bachelorette trip on the Jersey Shore) -watch The Social Network -when everyone falls asleep slip off to your bedroom with the girl who likes you and bang phenomenally for 45 minutes (43.5 minutes longer than you usually last) -find out 1) your her gym crush and 2) she had a flight at 9PM but she missed it to hangout with you (you didn’t think it was possible for someone to like you this much - you thought this was only something you would do for someone else not the other way around) -text your best friend from Middle School saying “Miss you so much dude hope you’re doing awesome” (the throwbacks from earlier triggered heavy nostalgia) -smoke a cigarette on your porch that she asks to join you for and have a randomly deep conversation about how grateful you are to live in America

If you aren’t regularly awestruck by how amazing life is you’re dumb: -we live in a free country -gyms exist -grocery stores exist -NFL Sundays happen 20+ times a year -you and your friends can get baked at a Coldplay concert -you can build yourself into a superhero in a few months of hitting the gym -you have access to every song in the world on your iPhone -every food item in the world has been hunted and gathered for you (grocery stores) -you didn’t have to spend your entire life figuring out how to make a car… you were born into a world where they’re already invented -you could be working in a coal mine in a third world country 16 hours a day breaking your lower back for less than $1 -you’re spinning on a sphere in an infinite universe and the fact you’re alive is a 1 in 500 trillion miracle If anyone complains in front of you them they’re an idiot :)

Things that are in: Talking to your crush in-person Lifting weights Glen Powell Long walks The Rizzler Phone calls with your cool Uncle (the one you can tell anything to, judgment-free) Things that are out: Speaking badly about girls you’ve slept with (this is a psychotically bad look) Leaking your boys’ secrets for social gains Treating customer service employees badly Talking about prices of things in front of your girlfriend Making running your personality

High testosterone behaviors: -talk to people like you already know them -leave massive tips at restaurants -don’t hookup with a girl you wouldn’t be thrilled to show off to your friends (because she’s so hot and emotionally mature it makes them want a girlfriend) -lift weights -go for walks -eat healthy 90% of the time -buy drinks for people without expecting one in return -stop doom-scrolling late at night - use that time to read books or watch your favorite movies (the ones that fire you up to be amazing at life the next day) -be totally fine with staying in on a Friday night to watch True Detective -take random moments throughout your week to realize you live in a world where gyms and concerts and College Football Saturdays exist and the fact you’re alive is a 1 in 500 trillion miracle… you’re so lucky it’s absurd and you have nothing to lose :)

Things that are in: -Lifting weights -Dive bars -Hailee Steinfeld -Shane Gillis -When a special needs kid scores a basket on Senior Night -“American Girl” by Tom Petty -Having sleepovers with girls you don’t feel the need to wear a condom with -Encouraging little kids to punch bullies in the face Things that are out: -Nightclubs -Bailing on dates -Being insecure -Wasting time and energy chasing random girls who aren’t wife material -White people who code-switch when they’re with black people (psychotic) -Speaking negatively about girls you’ve hooked up with -Treating customer service employees badly

High testosterone behaviors: -being a generous tipper -telling people when their song choices are good when they’re on the aux -being friendly to a newcomer at work/new friend group -offering things about yourself in conversation that aren’t perfect/proper -lifting weights with good form -staying in on Friday nights to hit the gym -staying in to work on your secret passion project (the thing you daydream about when you zone out while driving) -treating girls who have a boyfriend the way you would want someone to treat your girlfriend (polite but not trying to wheel her) -admitting when you’ve made a mistake -not relying on hiding behind a phone screen to talk to a girl - having the balls to talk a girl in person (shocking how afraid people are of this) -being awestruck by how amazing life is - having moments where you think to yourself ‘wow life is a miracle - I’m so lucky to be alive’

Things that are in: -Lifting weights -Walking -Having sleepovers with girls you don’t feel the need to wear a condom with -the song “Just A Girl” by No Doubt -Coming-of-age movies from 2000-2015 (Superbad, Project X, etc.) -under-selling and over-delivering -Saquon Barkley -Florence Pugh -Being lean -Being trustworthy (greenest flag there is) -Upper body muscle soreness -Girls who take their physical health seriously -Girls who never overreact -Staying in on Thursday nights to watch movies with your boys -Playing Future at after-parties (Codeine Crazy, WAIT FOR U, etc.) Things that are out: -Being mean to girls -Being passive-aggressive -Issuing backhanded compliments -Jerking off while the Sun is up (psychotic) -Complaining about the logistics of parties/weddings -Being pessimistic -Vocal fry -Treating customer employees badly -Social-climbing -Screenshotting Hinge conversations and leaking them for attention -Letting your life pass by without doing the things you wanna do deep down

High testosterone behaviors: -asking out your crush -asking for a promotion -lifting weights -talking to people like you already know them -leaving massive tips at bars -buying things for people without expecting something in return (if you keep tabs with your friends on favors you aren’t actually friends) -being immune to FOMO - being totally fine with staying in on a Friday night and playing board games -going out sober and still being fun to be around -not judging people/being a “safe space” - being a person people can tell anything to judgment-free (like your cool Uncle) -taking random moments throughout your week to realize you’re spinning on a sphere in an infinite universe and the fact you’re alive is a 1 in 500 trillion miracle - every day you wake up you win the freaking lottery :)

Hangover cure: -black coffee -drive to your friend’s house because you don’t wanna be alone -it’s him and his dad and brothers who all played Tight End at Wisconsin -lift weights in their garage blasting Jason Aldean and Carly Pearce -their mom comes home with 2 friends and her baddie god-daughter -help carry the mattress they just bought to the basement and build the bedframe -grill ribeyes on the patio talking about how grateful you are to live in America -the mom assigns you and the god-daughter to make a cherry pie in the kitchen -talk to her like you already know her and find out you’re equally hungover, let her rant about how much she hates nightclubs and how “pathetic” homeless people are, her apron catches on a drawer revealing a Batman tattoo on her back -she gasps but calms down when you say “secret’s safe with me” in the tone of non-chalant McConaughey -watch Forrest Gump in the family room -when everyone falls asleep slip to the basement with the god-daughter and smash on the new mattress, her lack of clinginess after you bust makes you want her to be your girlfriend -plan a date with her Tuesday night at a fine art museum -put on “Springsteen” by Eric Church on your drive home and get nostalgic in real time realizing you just lived a top 5 day of your life

The plan: -hit the gym with your best friend who you’ve known since JV Football -couples dinner with him and his fiancé and your girlfriend of 10 days -his fiancé is a 9 -your girlfriend is a hard 6 with a sick body who works in Special Ed and has older brothers who played sports so her personality is chill AF -get biscuits 2 burgers 2 ribeyes and Mac & Cheese (only the girls are allowed to eat the Mac & Cheese) -be surprised at how good you look in the bathroom mirror and think to yourself ‘being an adult is fun AF as long as you’re in shape’ -split the bill with your friend (the girls don’t pay a dime obviously) and leave a $100 tip because your waitress was a rockstar -go to a dive bar and post up at 2 barstools (let the girls have the seats) and have a group conversation about how November randomly makes you nostalgic and how your insignificance in the universe is paradoxically empowering - your only contribution to this conversation is “what do we have to lose” in the tone of Ryan Gosling -pay the bartender $20 to play “Simple Man” by Lynyrd Skynyrd and wedding-dance to it the 4 of you like main characters in a TV show -go to your friend’s house and bang in the guest room while him and his fiancé change into comfy clothes (it’s uncertain whether they banged or not but a gentleman never asks) -her and your girlfriend try on dresses they were talking about at dinner but when you check on them 10 minutes later they’re sound asleep cuddling -you and your friend split a store-bought apple pie out of the fridge and talk about how legendary your High School coaching staff was then watch Spiderman (2002)

Hangover cure: 1. Lift weights in the Sun at an outdoor gym with your boys 2. Go to your boy’s family party for the 1PM NFL games (crisp Fall air, burgers & eggs, apple cider & IPAs) 3. See a 5’8” babe with long black hair working on her laptop paying zero attention to the TVs (her figure is trim yet her cleavage is mouthwatering) 4. Sit down next to her with two coffees, find out she’s equally hungover, talk to her like you already know her, have a conversation Matthew McConaughey would’ve had with a girl 2 years older than him in College 5. Get dared by your friend’s Aunts to ask her to dance with you - slow-dance with her to “Thinking Out Loud” by Ed Sheeran, raise your eyebrows at her like Tim Riggins would when the party chants “Kiss! Kiss!” - plant a 5-second open-mouth kiss on her that sends the crowd into a frenzy 6. Go back to her place and smash in her immaculately neat bedroom (don’t even think about wearing a condom) 7. Have a 3-hour writing session at her dining table in absolute silence (she works on her magazine article while you work on the novel you haven’t told anyone you’re writing) 8. Get a phone call from your cool Uncle and have a hilarious 20-minute conversation about how he coincidentally used to date a woman who worked for the company the girl is writing about - she pulls out her journal and puts on her glasses and interviews him like a reporter, turns out your Uncle has incredibly valuable information to provide (your cool Uncle = the one you can tell party-related secrets to) 9. Watch Troy (2004) 10. Pause it halfway through to bake an apple pie together, put the pie in the oven and let its aroma bless the kitchen, bang on the couch while waiting for it to bake in the Carolina-blue lighting of the paused TV screen (her butt and calves and toned back are so astonishing it’s frightening) 11. Wake up in the middle of the night with her head resting on your chest and her leg wrapped across your body and look out the window at the stars and wonder why the universe likes you so much Important: 1) Give her space after you kiss her at the party - let 45 minutes pass before you talk to her again (the next move you make is giving her your hoodie like a gentleman) 2) Let her and your Uncle do the majority of the talking - let him frame you as the coolest/most Derek Jeter-like dude of all-time 3) Weave her into your novel (don’t use her real name) 4) No work-related talk, no checking Instagram - no checking any apps besides Twitter

Things that are in: -lifting weights -skipping breakfast -being a generous tipper -gym girls -being friendly to a newcomer at work/new friend group -girls who aren’t shy about touching you during conversation -Instagram reels of the final out of no-hitters Things that are out: -wearing sunscreen -following Instagram models
-guys who call themselves “foodies” -people who gossip/take pleasure in drama -being high around people you don’t know -not being helpful at parties (being “too cool” to carry tables/stock coolers) -people who brag about their big ideas when they’re drunk but never actually take action on them -guys who speak negatively about their girlfriend in public

It's sad how few people you can tell secrets to. Most people lack the emotional intelligence to handle anything real. Their reactions make you regret telling them anything in the first place. This is a tragic feeling. (The best option is to keep everything to yourself.)

Cheating is insecurity and greed. It’s the sketchiest thing you can possibly do

Sugar. It's more addictive than cocaine. (People who do cocaine are more addicted to sugar than they are to cocaine. Think about that...)

Hangover cure: -black coffee -hit the gym -see a baddie doing legs who you had a crush on in College -ask her how she’s been and invite her to the party you’re going to Friday (don’t small-talk or be “nice” - be straightforward like Ryan Gosling) -let the grab she gives you on your bicep make you realize Sundays make you wish you had a girlfriend, tell her you regret not asking her out when you were at school - remain calm when she blushes then say yes when she asks if she can shower at your place -smash without a condom then watch 3 episodes of The Office (her butt and calves are even more phenomenal in-person than in pictures) -go to your cool Uncle’s Italian restaurant and introduce her to him and his girlfriend, sit down with them for dinner at a table in the window, slip the waiter five $20 bills as a tip (your cool Uncle = the one you can tell anything to judgment-free) -offer to take her home but be lowkey euphoric when she asks to sleepover (you thought this was how you felt about her but not the other way around) -watch live performances on YouTube until 1:30AM (Miley Cyrus “Like A Prayer”, “The Scientist” by Coldplay, “To Build A Home”, etc.) -bang again right there on the couch in the Carolina-blue lighting of the paused TV screen -give her one of your High School football t-shirts to sleep in -fall asleep with her head on your chest and her leg wrapped across your body while re-hearing “To Build A Home” in your mind and heart the way Andy Dufresne describes it in Shawshank Redemption and think to yourself ‘wow life is a miracle - I’m so lucky to be alive’

Hangover cure: 1. Wake up randomly grateful and hit the gym with your boys (Shoulders) 2. See a girl you know hitting a kettlebell circuit (she played Volleyball at your College and her body is insane) 3. Ask her to a date Tuesday night (hot yoga) and find out she’s equally hungover - talk to her like you already know her, have a conversation that belongs in a McConaughey Rom-Com, say yes when she asks if she can shower at your place (afterwards let her wear one of your HS football t-shirts) 4. Watch True Detective (Season 1) while banging between episodes (her butt and calves are even more phenomenal in-person than in pictures) 5. Bring her to your cool Uncle’s house for the 4PM games, have a blast with him and his friends while their wives give her the warmest welcome of all-time (your cool Uncle = the one you can tell anything to, judgment-free) 6. Go back to your place and watch Titanic, take a pause break to bang in the Carolina-blue lighting of the paused TV screen (finish doggy-style here to admire her toned back) 7. Step outside to share a cigarette and have a nostalgic conversation about how Sundays make you miss your childhood - put on 28 by Zach Bryan and dance to it ballroom-style in the crisp Fall air 8. At 11PM order deluxe-sized acai bowls (don’t ask her if she wants one, just get one for her like Mark Wahlberg would) 9. Wake up in the middle of the night with her head nestled on your chest and her leg wrapped across your body and look out your window at the stars and think ‘wow life is a miracle, I’m so lucky to be alive’ Important: 1) Pull the window blinds down to eliminate glare on the TV screen 2) Pick up an apple pie as a party gift on your way to your Uncle’s house 3) Give her your jacket while you’re smoking (don’t ask her if she wants it, just put it on her like James Bond would) 4) Select the following acai bowl toppings: coconut shavings, dark chocolate, banana, dates, honey 5) No checking emails, no checking Instagram - no checking any apps besides Twitter

Hangover cure: 1. Invite 2 of your boys over because you don’t wanna be alone 2. Also invite 3 baddies who played Soccer at your College (they’re emotionally mature and their bodies are insane) 3. Make a pot of black coffee and start a Harry Potter marathon 4. Develop a crush on the girl nearest you during Prisoner Of Azkaban (she’s taking it seriously and she smells like your hot childhood babysitter’s car) 5. Hit the gym with her while the others nap 6. Play “For The First Time” by The Script on the drive home and agree you both miss High School 7. Watch Goblet Of Fire with her legs on your lap 8. Make dinner as a group (comfort food), slip off to your bedroom with her while the mac & cheese is in the oven and bang phenomenally for 45 minutes (43.5 minutes longer than you usually last) 9. To your surprise a snowstorm starts - all your Monday obligations get cancelled 10. Take a pause break during Half-Blood Prince to smash in separate rooms: you and your crush go to your bedroom, one couple takes the kitchen while the other takes the couch 11. Play Monopoly in teams of 2 - secure the Red and Yellow properties early and win in 90 minutes 12. Order deluxe-sized acai bowls while the girls make chocolate-chip cookies (don’t ask people if they want one just get them one like Mark Wahlberg would) 13. Look out the window at the snowfall during the opening jingle of the Deathly Hallows Pt. II and think to yourself ‘wow life is a miracle - I’m so lucky to be alive’ Important: 1) Pull the window blinds down to eliminate glare on the TV screen 2) Don’t lift together but check in with each other every 20 minutes 3) Don’t even think about wearing a condom 4) The girls are allowed to eat the mac & cheese but you and your boys aren’t 5) Answer questions the girls have about the movies without giving anything away

Things that are in: -Lifting weights -Walking -crisp Fall air -College Football pageantry -bragging about your boy to his girlfriend when he’s in the bathroom/is otherwise occupied -Movies based on novels -Girls who take their physical health seriously -Girls who work in Special Ed -the album “Songs About Jane” by Maroon 5 (on bad weather days especially) -Staying in on Thursday nights to watch Batman with your boys -Bill Belichick post-retirement (Pat McAfee clips, football breakdowns) -Girls 1-3 years older than you -Girls who aren’t clingy post-sex Things that are out: -Leaking your boys’ secrets for social gains -Scolding children for taking risks -Gossiping -Urban Meyer -Eating junk food in order to be liked -Speaking negatively about girls you’ve hooked up with (psychotically bad look) -Treating customer service employees badly -Making running your personality -Bragging about completing “75 hard” -Not taking moments to think to yourself: ‘Wow life is a miracle - I’m so lucky to be alive’ (not even in an emotional way, in a calming/grounded grateful way)

Hangover cure: -wake up rattled at 7AM and go straight to the gym (shoulders) -take a hot shower then set the AC to 60 and take a nap -wake up twice as rattled as before and go to your boy’s condo because you don’t wanna be alone -it’s him and his girlfriend and her best friend from home (she played Volleyball in College and her body is insane) -make blueberries & banana smoothies with Greek yogurt and almond butter - when you’re done dolloping the almond butter let the Volleyball girl lick the spoon -turn off all the lights and shut the window blinds and watch The Notebook -take a pause break to talk about how being sad sometimes feels good (your only contribution to the conversation is “it makes you feel alive”) -hug your boy and his girlfriend goodnight then finish the movie with the Volleyball girl (you’re shocked she wants to stay with you/you thought this was something that only happened to other people not you) -when it’s done she goes on YouTube and plays “Skinny Love” by Bon Iver -you take the clicker when the song finishes and play “Yellow” by Coldplay -she straddles you and makes out with you and you bang without a condom while “Stay” by Rihanna comes on auto-shuffle in the background, her lack of clinginess when you bust makes you want her to be your girlfriend -you say goodbye while airdropping her plane tickets to come back the following weekend then buy your friend a tub of protein powder because you feel guilty buying something for a girl you just met (so you balance this out by getting something for your boy)

If you feel lost, write down in your Notes app right now: -what you want your life to be like 1 year from now -what you DON’T want your life to be like 1 year from now -1-3 things you can do today Then - and this is the most important part - instead of watching another motivational David Goggins video, actually DO one of the things you wrote down. If you feel lost it’s because you don’t have a life you’re building towards that is greater than the short-term pleasure you let yourself cave into every night, and because you don’t have an enemy life you’re terrified of to work away from.

If you don’t fantasize about: -how jacked you’re gonna be 90 days from now -your crush’s back and calves -busting inside her on a tropical island -lifting weights with her brothers then grilling steaks and watching Batman -crushing it at work and getting promoted and turning your basement into a home gym -being a hot strong dad then you’re an idiot.

Chess not checkers.

Why are you rotting your soul in sketchy nightclubs instead of: -smashing the gym -having a blast at dive bars leaving the bartenders 100% tips -throwing banger pregames where you can see and hear everybody -putting 25% more effort in at work and getting promoted (and impressing the crap out of people who thought you were an idiot) -eating healthy 90% of the time -watching Interstellar with your boys and chill girls with good bodies letting it fire you up to be amazing at life -getting so good at life you become your crush’s crush -building yourself into the chill hero-like character you daydreamed about being when you were 15

The plan: -arrive on Nantucket at 1:30PM with your boys, drop your bags off and immediately head to Cisco, it’s absolutely ripping -Doses & Mimosas is blaring -your longtime crush is there, who historically you've struggled talking to in the past but on this day you have the magic -you’re making awesome conversation, everything you say is landing, people are staring at you - the two of you are on fire -at 5:45PM you and everyone you know on the island (75 people) head back to the house you rented to grill and keep partying -Spins by Mac Miller and grill smoke bless the air -your crush asks you to see the room you’re staying in, you get the wildest butterflies of your life as you lead her through the house - you bang phenomenally for 45 minutes (43.5 minutes longer than you usually last) -you shower together and get dressed and head back to the party, absolutely euphoric - your best friend who you’ve told all your secrets to about your crush gives you a hug and tells you: “you did it”

Reasons to be muscular: 
-wealthy men ask you to marry their daughter because they wanna be your father-in-law -everyone trusts you -people get fired up just looking at you -you look jacked holding your toddler son in pictures when he’s in Kindergarten -you’re never in a situation where you’re nervous to take your shirt off -you don’t need to scroll back 3 years in your pictures to find one where you look good -your wife flexes you in front of her enemies and feels great about herself after -your wife’s brothers (who rarely drink because their careers are demanding and they have kids) fight over who gets to be your beer pong partner at Thanksgiving Important: if you’re muscular but you’re a self-obsessed douchebag about it you forfeit the benefits. Also - common misconception: you don’t need to eat tilapia and broccoli every meal and spend 5 hours in the gym in order to be muscular. All you need is 3 lifts a week 50 minutes at a time :)

The plan: -hit the gym after a brutal work week because you need something to make you feel good -meet your boys at a dive bar for March Madness, hit it off with a chill bartender in her late 30s with an amazing body -let her grab you by your inner elbow at closing time and tell you to stay, help the male employees move tables because you don’t wanna feel useless -go to her condo where her friends are partying, get warm hugs from the women (strippers) and talk about lifting with the men (firefighters) -get paired into teams for a karaoke sing-off, be an encouraging audience member while couples sing F*ck You by Cee Lo Green and Everybody Talks by Neon Trees, then sing Picture by Kid Rock with the bartender and absolutely bring the house down -midway through everyone joins in, the moment peaks when all the women sing “I was headed to church” to which the men roar back “I WAS OFF TO DRINK YOU AWAY” -the crowd erupts in jubilation and tells you and the bartender “how good you look together” -go to her bedroom and smash in the moonlight pouring in the window then smoke cigarettes on her balcony talking about Interstellar and your secret fantasies (find out you both daydream about moving to the Florida panhandle to write a novel) -realize there’s probably something wrong with you because the only girls you connect with are 5 years older than you, also realize you can’t remember the last time you didn’t want a night to end (this makes you 10% sad 90% wildly grateful to be alive) -text your groupchat “Life is good boys” and get 7 ‘love’ reacts (they’re doing blow)

How to get ahead of 99% of people: -lift weights -go for walks -never gossip -never complain -don’t binge-watch motivational videos -no random hookups with girls who aren’t wife material -don’t sleep with a girl you feel the need to wear a condom with -eat healthy 90% of the time -don’t get drunk or high with anyone who isn’t a good person -be like your favorite movie characters - you admire them for a reason -realize the goal of life isn’t to “get ahead of people” don’t be a transactional d-bag - the goal of life is to make your 15 year old self proud :)

Things that are in: -Lifting weights with your boys at 11AM on an NFL Sunday -Breweries -crisp Fall air -Girls whose primary social media is Twitter -Gym girls -Skipping breakfast -Staying in 3 nights a month to work on your secret passion-project (the thing you daydream about when you’re sober) -Cigarettes with coffee -Cigarettes between episodes of True Detective (Season 1) -Girls who aren’t clingy post-sex (girls who give you 15 minutes of peace and quiet after you bust) -Girls 2-5 years older than you who party a handful of times a year -Staying up late watching Harry Potter movies Things that are out: -Following Instagram models/liking their pictures (insane) -Leaking your boys’ secrets for social gains -Being cynical -Being pessimistic -Speaking negatively about girls you’ve hooked up with (psychotically bad look) -Using food to make yourself feel good (it doesn’t) -Bragging about making your bed -Bragging about waking up at 5AM -Settling for a girlfriend you aren’t fired up about (if you don’t fantasize about living in Ancient Rome with her she’s not the one) -Making running your personality

If you don’t fantasize about: -your next workout -busting inside your crush -smacking her butt playfully when you’re married (she gets pissed if you don’t) -watching Tarantino movies with her Uncles staying up til 2AM smoking cigars -living in the same town as your boys one day throwing parties in the Summer where your wives sometimes makeout -making anonymous donations to special needs charities -being a hot strong dad then you don’t understand life.

Hangover cure: -invite 2 of your boys over because you don’t wanna be alone -turns out they’re already on their way because you agreed to binge Severance last night -turns out so are 3 baddies who played Soccer at your College (they have older brothers so they’re chill) -one of the girls gives you an aggressive hug then sits too close to you on the couch (it’s sick) -her calves are mouthwatering and she wears the same perfume as your hot childhood babysitter -make multiple pots of coffee and watch 3 episodes back to back (pull the window blinds down to eliminate glare on the TV screen) -go to the gym when the baddies do because you wanna earn your dinner, don’t do cardio just lift weights and randomly bench more than you ever have -between sets make a playlist of 2010s throwbacks, play it on the drive home and have a sentimental conversation about how “Stay” by Rihanna makes you miss High School -make a stop at an old folks home so one of the girls (not the one you’re vibing with) can see her grandma, strike up hilarious straight-faced banter with her in the tone of Ryan Gosling, tell her “I disagree I think your grand-daughter’s a rockstar” when she tries to put her down -get back to your place to learn your boys secured edibles -make a feast together of biscuits pancakes and over-easy eggs -watch 2 more episodes then take a pause break to bake brownies -let the girl ask you where the bathroom is only to pull you to your bedroom where you smash like Matthew McConaughey and Michelle Monaghan in True Detective (don’t even think about wearing a condom) -rejoin the group as if nothing happened and plan a trip to Charleston the 6 of you -hug everyone goodnight then 10 minutes later get a text from the girl saying she wants to sleep over -bang again then smoke a cigarette while she makes fun of guys who spend too much time with their girlfriends -realize you’re in a phase of your life you already know you’re gonna wanna return to one day (this makes you 10% sad 90% wildly grateful to be alive)

Lifting weights makes you feel better :)

Hangover cure: -meet your boys at a coffee shop -do minimal talking, check Twitter while enjoying the fact you’re not alone -get invited to a Masters watch-party at your friend’s girlfriend’s parents’ house (90 cars parked out front, TVs in every room, catered BBQ) -hit it off with a group of dads talking about the 2006 Rose Bowl, ask them detailed questions about what nights out were like without cell phones, answer their questions about your work/personal life with brutal honesty (don’t “network” or try to impress them - say “I have no idea” multiple times and admit you’re horrible in bed) -get brought outside to smoke cigars with them while they show you pictures of their trip to Kiawah -let the girls your age see this and be immediately obsessed with you (they’re ex-College Soccer players and their bodies are insane), remain calm when the one you have a crush on puts her phone in your hand for you to follow her on Instagram -go downstairs to the home gym with your boys and the Soccer girls and lift weights together for 20 minutes to a playlist of Country-EDM, let everyone see the chemistry you and your crush have and excuse themselves - make-out with her for 30 seconds then smash on the matted floor (you later find out the working out was just their excuse to get you two alone) -go upstairs and fix up a plate of cornbread and baked beans and apple pie -help clean up when the day is over and get 4 job offers and 9 “use my vacation house-s” and 12 handshake-hugs when you say goodbye -go to your place with your boys and strike up an enchanted texting conversation with the girl while watching Shrek -take a pause break to cook steak and eggs while firing each other up about how fun it would be to live in the same town one day coaching your kids’ Little League team together -take a moment during the “Hallelujah” scene to let nostalgia rifle through and be grateful for the day you’ve had and think to yourself ‘wow life is a miracle - I’m so lucky to be alive’

Hangover cure: 1. Wake up randomly grateful and hit the gym with your boys (bench press, chin-ups, side raises, NO cardio) 2. See your crush doing a badass CrossFit workout (she played Soccer at your College and her body is insane) 3. Ask her to get coffee with you and find out she’s equally hungover - talk to her like you already know her, fully accept the sweaty hug she gives you, have a conversation that belongs in a 2005 Rom-Com - say yes when she asks if she can shower at your place (afterwards let her wear one of your High School football t-shirts) 4. Get a pot of coffee started then bang on your couch (her legs and back are even more phenomenal in-person than in pictures) 5. Make biscuits and blueberries & banana smoothies while listening to 2000-2010 throwbacks (Hanging By A Moment by Lifehouse, Complicated by Avril Lavigne) 6. Generate hysterical trash-talk in your Fantasy Football groupchat, pick up a D/ST you learn is playing in bad weather 7. Meet up with your boys for the 1PM games, watch your starters perform amazingly and your bench perform horribly, belly-laugh about a nightmarish hookup one of your boys suffered the night before (Important: if you’re watching Red Zone it has to be Scott Hansen) 8. Meet back up with your crush and take a nap 9. Bring her to your cool Uncle’s dinner party (50 people, casual attire, Chinese food served buffet-style, night game playing in the background - your cool Uncle = the one you can tell anything to, judgment-free) 10. At 11PM watch Silver Linings Playbook, pause it midway through to bang for 45 minutes in the Carolina-blue Moonlight-like lighting of the TV screen (43.5 minutes longer than you usually last) 11. Wake up in the middle of the night with your crush’s head on your chest and her leg wrapped around your body and fire off the most sentimental ‘I love you boys’ text to your Fantasy Football groupchat of all time

Hangover cure: -Advil -hot shower -a baddie you went to High School with shows up at your door to “help you clean” (she’s 2 years older than you and way out of your league) -she used to talk to you at parties and even got you a birthday present one year (Tim Tebow jersey) but you never hooked up because she was best friends with your older sister -she makes herself at home and gives you compliments in a fake-nice voice and within 5 minutes you’re smashing - you last all of 90 seconds but she’s not mad she’s strangely pumped -crank the AC to 60 and shut the window blinds and take a nap -when you wake up she’s staring at you but she’s so hot you don’t mind -go to the gym together and crush shoulders while she runs treadmill sprints -play 2000s throwbacks on the drive home and be awestruck by how well she sings “For The First Time” by The Script (she used to sing at school assemblies with her a cappella group) -order Thai food then watch 4 episodes of Friday Night Lights -take a pause break to bang in the Carolina-blue lighting of the paused TV screen (bust inside her upon request - hearing her say this is surreal) -fall asleep on the couch with her arms around your neck and legs wrapped across your body and think to yourself ‘this woman is hot enough to date Derek Jeter what the heck is she doing with me’ - donate $100 to a special needs charity as a thank you to the universe -type out a long-winded ‘love you boys’ text to your fantasy football group chat but backspace the entire paragraph and instead say “When’s the draft”

The plan: -start pregaming at 4PM -your friend’s older sister shows up with 5 hot friends -one of them is wearing a jean skirt and backless top and her body looks like she’s hit Pilates 5 times a week the past 6 years -she teaches everyone a dance routine as an ice-breaker -girls call her “extra” afterwards but all she did was unselfishly go out of her way to generate fun -your other friend shows up with dudes from his hometown - you could just be surface-level nice to them but you decide to boy them up harder than the chill Senior on your football team when you were a Sophomore -by the time you get to the bar you’re talking about sneaking out of your room to play Sly Cooper on school nights in 4th Grade and Maurice Clarett stripping Sean Taylor on his interception return in the 2003 Fiesta Bowl -you catch the baddie staring you like you’re Zac Efron in his prime (which is odd because she’s a certified 8 and you’re 6) -ten minutes later “When We Were Young” (2017) by Lost Kings comes on - you and the baddie find each other and start jamming to the dance she taught you - you’re absolutely crushing it which is uncharacteristic of you but you’re so high on life you’re not thinking you’re just being -you do this for 30 minutes like main characters in a show chicks would love then Irish exit together and smash in her immaculate condo (she’s a corporate lawyer) -you have a non-cringe cuddle session (no baby talk no hollow plans) then she politely kicks you out because she has “litigation” in the morning -you meet back up with your boy and his friends and order burritos and watch Dallas Buyers Club

Stoners smoke weed and be like "big things coming" and it's just the following night of smoking weed

Hangover cure: 1. 30 minute shower listening to Stay by Rihanna on repeat 2. Coffee + 3 episodes of Friday Night Lights 3. Let how cool Tim Riggins is inspire you to go lift weights 4. Catch your longtime gym crush staring at you in the mirror (her mouth is watering and her face couldn’t be more serious, she’s looking at you like you’re a deluxe-sized bowl of penne vodka) 5. Throw her the coolest nod of all time then let her move next to you to apologize even though you didn’t think it was weird at all, find out she’s equally hungover, connect heavily about this, talk to her like you already know her, vibe like Will and Skylar from Good Will Hunting, schedule a date with her for Wednesday night 6. Eat breakfast food with your boys at a diner at 3PM, have the most wholesome most life-saving 2 hours of your life (leave a 40% tip, your waitress is a single mother with a handicapped child) 7. Decide you don’t wanna wait until Wednesday, invite your gym crush over to be hungover together - when she gets to your place you pick right back up where you left off, she casually strips down to her panties and within 30 seconds you’re banging, you’re normally a 79 overall in bed but you rise to the occasion and perform like a 95 8. Fall asleep together for 3 hours 9. Wake up and repeat step 7 10. Smoke cigarettes together and talk about your coming of age years (before drugs and alcohol, when everything was so emotionally heightened and real) 11. Order lo mein and watch Disturbia Important: 1) Do not ask her for her social media profiles - you know each other from the gym and the gym alone - not only is this fine this is magical and hot 2) No discussing work or checking work emails 3) The workout you hit is lat pull-downs, weighted dips, and side raises - no cardio 4) Any coffee you drink must be black

Anytime they refer to “men” as a plural group

You’re allowed to watch Casino Royale more often

Things that are in: -Lifting weights -Walking/Stairmaster -Girls whose primary social media is Twitter -Girls who take their physical health seriously -Fasting -Joe Mazzulla -Giving your coat to girls in cold weather -Having sleepovers with girls you don’t feel the need to wear a condom with -Bragging about your boy to his girlfriend when he’s in the bathroom/is otherwise occupied -Making your 17 year-old self proud -Having a muscular back -Girls who aren’t clingy post-sex (girls who give you 15 minutes of peace and quiet after you bust) -Staying in on Thursday nights to watch Christopher Nolan movies with your boys Things that are out: -Hungover driving -Speaking negatively about your boyfriend/girlfriend to people in your social circle -Speaking negatively about girls you’ve hooked up with (psychotically bad look) -Faking an injury after dropping a pass/fumbling -Treating customer employees badly -Watching Tik-Tok while the Sun is up -Self-deprecating behavior in an attempt to be liked (example: eating junk food) -Dinner as a first date (psychotic) -Letting your life pass by without doing the things you wanna do deep down (losing weight, standing up to a bully, writing a movie script, etc.) -The fact that Joe Buck and Troy Aikman aren’t on FOX anymore

Things that are in: -Lifting weights -Walking -Giving your coat to a girl in cold weather -Mark Wahlberg’s character in The Departed -Talking to your crush in-person (regardless of the outcome) -Dax Shephard & Kristen Bell -Charlie Berens (comedian from Wisconsin) -Girls who take their physical health seriously -Girls who take their physical health seriously and love Daniel Craig James Bond movies -Derrick Henry (has never not been) -crisp Fall air -Florence Pugh -Girls who aren’t clingy post-sex -Staying up late watching Harry Potter movies (especially in bad weather) -College Football pageantry -The last day of work before Christmas break Things that are out: -Not throwing a wave/nod when someone lets you go in front of them in traffic -Being mean to girls -Leaking your boys’ secrets for social gains -The sketchiness behind Christian McCaffrey’s injury/injuries (makes him seem more like Draco Malfoy than people already think he is) -Speaking badly about girls you’ve hooked up with (psychotically bad look) -When people ask “wHY diD yOU dO thAT?” when you tell them about a mistake you made -Making running your personality -People who gossip about their friends (means they’re doing the same about you when you’re not there) -Treating customer service employees badly -Shaming girls for being slutty (guys who do this are just mad girls don’t like them) -Not taking a moment once a week to think to yourself ‘wow life is a miracle, I’m so lucky to be alive’

It's a phenomenal sign of flattery when a girl sleeps with you on the first date. It means she likes you so much that she couldn't resist you :) (This is what I tell myself)

The plan: -American Girl by Tom Petty is ringing through your local dive bar as you’re hitting it off with a foxy nurse when across the room you see your ex-girlfriend’s dad -you’re flooded with memories of grilling and laughing with him, you can still taste the cigars you smoked together on July 4th, you can still see him going bananas for you in the crowd when you scored your final High School touchdown under the lights -you step outside to smoke a cigarette because you don’t wanna be seen crying but the nostalgia keeps roaring, you remember watching Shrek together on Christmas Eve, you remember the stories he told you about his Friday & Saturday nights before cellphones - but it’s then that your best friend barges out the door yelling your name: your ex’s dad got himself into trouble, three bikers in a motorcycle gang are beating him up in the back parking lot - you storm through the bar like John Cena and beat their punk-asses to a pulp -you carry your ex’s dad to your truck and race him to the hospital, the nurse tags along being calm and super helpful, she gets him taken care of immediately when you arrive -you take a cigarette break that the nurse joins you for, she then takes you to an empty bedroom for a “checkup” where she milks you like a champion horse - when you return to your ex’s dad he’s on the phone with his wife raving about your performance in the parking lot

Hangover cure: -fresh-squeezed orange juice -drive to your friend’s house because you don’t wanna be alone -it’s him and his dad and two brothers who both wrestled at Penn State -lift weights in their driveway blasting country music in the Sun -their mom comes home with 2 friends and her baddie god-daughter -help carry the furniture they just bought into the garage (dresser and sofa) -grill ribeyes on the patio talking about how pumped you are for College football -the mom assigns you and the god-daughter to go to the grocery store to get blackberries -talk to her like you already know her and find out you’re equally hungover, let her rant about how much she hates nightclubs and how “pathetic” the average person’s diets are, also find out her dad “loves” you (a legendary High School football coach you had the best game of your life against your Senior Year) -watch Wedding Crashers in the family room -when everyone falls asleep slip away to the garage with the god-daughter and smash on the sofa -it’s then she reveals the entire day was a set-up - she’s been creeping your Instagram for months plotting the right opportunity with your friend’s mom -this is a surreal moment for you because up until now you functioned on the belief the more someone knows about you the less they like you (which is why you spend so much time alone) -you don’t find the plotting weird because you’re flattered and you respect it and she’s so much hotter than you it would be amazing for your social status if you became boyfriend and girlfriend -put on “Yellow” by Coldplay on your drive home and get nostalgic in real time realizing you just lived a top 5 day of your life

Hangover cure: -shower -hit the gym -mid-workout remember you almost did blow last night, be grateful you found the self-control to refrain (this is uncharacteristic of you - your GPA in High School was a C+/B- and you have people-pleasing issues which make saying no feel impossible) -meet up with your boys for the 1PM NFL games -bring breakfast sandwiches -fall asleep from 5-7 then grill ribeye steaks and plantains -have an unscheduled 27-minute phone call with your cool Uncle - take a walk around the block to not bother your friends, let the November air randomly make you nostalgic for your childhood (your cool Uncle = the one you can tell anything to judgment-free) -let the warmth of your boys’ place (literal and figurative) make you think ‘wow life is a miracle I’m so lucky to be alive’ -watch The Dark Knight on TNT switching back and forth to the Sunday Night Game -text the girl you still have feelings for a picture of the Batman/Joker interrogation scene - this was a randomly good talking point on the 2.5 dates you went on 10 months ago (she’s the only girl you’ve ever not lost interest in after busting) -remain calm when she hearts the message and asks to hangout over Thanksgiving (she doesn’t go home for holidays because she’s psycho about her career) -go home and do 3 sets push-ups and have an XL piece of apple pie as a reward Important: -don’t even think about asking for Venmo for the breakfast sandwiches -any coffee you drink must be black -the phone call with your Uncle can’t be planned it has to be serendipitous

The plan: -workout at your NYC friend’s apartment then hit Common Ground at 10PM -“Stay” by Kygo is slapping mythologically, you’re flooded with nostalgia from 4th of July 2016 -your longtime crush grabs you by your inner elbow and chats you up like you’re Ryan Gosling which is odd because she’s never shown any interest in you at all (turns out her enemy said she “wanted” you and you’re benefiting from her pride) -rise to the occasion and have the greatest conversation of your life, talk about Interstellar and your secret fantasies, find out you both daydream about about moving to the Florida panhandle to write a novel -go to an apartment party together and hit it off with her hot yoga friends (this goes from them evaluating you to them liking you to them asking her permission to watch you and her bang) -catch a forty-something Finance guy putting Xanax in one of their drinks, clutch his wrist while the bars are in his hand so everyone sees them and knows you’re the good guy - knee him so hard in the ribs he forgets the names of 3 kids -go to your crush’s place and smash like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie after an argument -leave water on her nightstand and kiss her goodnight without tongue -meet up with your boys at the place you’re staying at and make over-easy eggs and sourdough toast, talk about the 2006 Rose Bowl and Sly Cooper on Playstation 2 -put on The Dark Knight and put your phone away and as the opening scene starts take a moment to think to yourself ‘wow life is a miracle - I’m so lucky to be alive’

The plan: -your popular cousin 9 years older than you brings you to a bar with his friends, they’re generous and hilarious, the women they hang with are absurdly hot -across the room you see a girl you’ve had a crush on for 3 years (painfully smart, mouthwatering physique), you’re nervous AF but you rise to the occasion: you have a conversation with her Taylor Sheridan would script for Alexandra Daddario and Tim Riggins -you’re inseparable the rest of the night, the two of you are on fire, the women are complimenting you aggressively telling the girl to “lock you down” - but it’s then you notice your cousin is in trouble: three bikers in a motorcycle gang are beating him up in the parking lot - you storm through the bar like Luke Kuechly and truck the largest of them so hard he shatters the window of a parked car, your cousin pops up and beats their asses unconscious -your crush blasts girly 2000s pop songs on the drive to her place where you bang phenomenally for 45 minutes (43.5 minutes longer than you normally last), you stay up til 3AM writing an 8-episode TV show together (you forgot how joyful it is hanging with a girl you don’t lose interest in after busting) -you wake up in the middle of the night to a text from your cousin: “You’re the man”

Hangover cure: 1. Lift weights at the Y then deprive yourself of Breakfast to cancel out 3AM McDonald’s the night before 2. watch The Dark Knight for the 900th time 3. Go to your High School track when the Sun goes down (because you don’t wanna be seen) and walk laps listening to Adele 4. See a girl 2 years older than you who you used to be in love with (you hooked up for 7 months but she didn’t take you seriously enough to date you - she has the body of a pornstar and watches cult documentaries in her free time) 5. Stifle your raging butterflies and have a conversation that belongs in The Notebook, let her cry on your shoulder about how much she hates getting older, address the fact that your hometown no longer feels like your kingdom 6. Put one of your headphones in her ear and play Try by P!nk (her favorite song) - let the memories you shared flash through your mind, let the crisp Fall air make it sublime - make-out for 30 seconds then go to her house and smash on the carpeted floor of her immaculately neat bedroom 7. Be 10/10 respectful when her dad gets home (a Kevin Costner-like construction manager from Ohio), not much makes him happy but when he sees you he gets a twinkle in his eye, give him a hug while he raves about your High School football heroics to keep from crying 8. Put together a feast of chili, rice pilaf, biscuits, and mac & cheese 9. watch Disturbia with the girl in her finished basement while her dad goes to his weekly poker game and tells other dads in your hometown how “built” your back and shoulders look and how amped he was to see you (“he could play for the Cowboys tomorrow that’s how good he looked I swear to God”) 10. Take a pause break from the movie to bang on the couch for 45 minutes (43.5 minutes longer than you usually last) 11. Wake up in the middle of the night with her cuddled up on you like you’re Superman and think to yourself ‘wow life is a miracle, I’m so grateful to be alive’ Important: 1) Any coffee you drink must be black 2) Give her your hoodie at the track (don’t ask her if she wants it, just put it on her like Tim Riggins would) 3) Don’t even think about wearing a condom (having a child with your crush and making her cool dad your father-in-law is literally the point of life) 4) The girl is allowed to eat the mac & cheese - you and her dad aren’t 5) No checking emails, no checking Instagram - no checking any apps besides Twitter

Hangover cure: -sunlight -black coffee -by the grace of God get an angry text from the girl you used to hookup with saying she’s on her way over to scream at you for your “behavior” (you still have feelings for her/every song makes you think of her) -find out the reason she ended things was because you weren’t putting in “effort” - explain the reason for this was because you didn’t wanna scare her off (do this calmly and assertively in the tone of Ryan Gosling) -let her hit you 3-4 times then fall into your arms sobbing, make-out with her for 30 seconds then smash on the kitchen floor -put on Yellowstone and let her wear one of your High School football t-shirts, let her fall asleep on your chest with her leg wrapped across your body while you take a moment to process this ^ just happened -take a selfie of you two on her phone then plug it into your charger, cook her a steak and a PB&J and have it ready for her when she wakes up -bring her to your cool Uncle’s house party to celebrate his friend’s promotion, talk about Michael Vick’s Eagles comeback against the Giants with him and his friends while your Aunt and her girlfriends teach the girl their secret drinking game (your cool Uncle = the one you can anything to judgment-free) -let her find you in the living room gazing thoughtfully at the party while “Yellow” by Coldplay is playing and ask you what you’re thinking - decide you’re not gonna be a robot and you’re actually gonna answer honestly (plus you’ve already banged and you did well so you feel like you don’t have anything to lose): “I’m thinking about how much I’m gonna miss this night when it’s a memory” -stare at each other then drive to her place after she responds “I do the same thing” -bang with no lights on just the moonlight pouring through the window -book a weekend trip to London then hug her goodnight -get a text from her an hour later saying “Miss you” with the selfie you took earlier (if anyone else did this it would turn you off but because it’s her it’s amazing)

Hangover cure: 1. Invite 2 of your boys over because you don’t wanna be alone 2. Also invite 3 baddies 2 years older than you who you went to College with (they’re emotionally mature and their bodies are insane) 3. Make a pot of black coffee and start True Detective Season 1 4. Develop a crush on the girl nearest you by the end of episode 2 (she’s taking the show seriously and she’s wearing the same perfume as your hot childhood babysitter) 5. Hit the gym with her while the others nap 6. Play the song “Somewhere Only We Know” by Keane on the drive home and agree you both miss High School 7. Slip quietly to your bedroom and smash while everyone’s still sleeping 8. Make dinner as a group while playing 2000s throwbacks (The Scientist, Iris, If I Were A Boy, She Will Be Loved) 9. Watch episodes 4 and 5 with her legs across your lap 10. Have a group conversation about how your insignificance in the universe is paradoxically empowering (let everyone else do 90% of the talking - your only contribution is saying “what do we have to lose” in the tone of Ryan Gosling) 11. Let this conversation inspire you to go bang in separate rooms - you and your crush go to your bedroom, one couple takes the kitchen while the other takes the couch 12. Step outside with her to share a cigarette and ask her to be your girlfriend, let her airdrop you a topless mirror selfie with the text attached: “Yes” 13. Scan the room as the final episode gets started feeling grateful AF and think to yourself ‘wow life is a miracle - I’m so lucky to be alive’ Important: 1) Pull the window blinds down to eliminate glare on the TV screen 2) Don’t lift together but check-in with each other every 20 minutes 3) Anytime after 8PM: text your Fantasy Football groupchat “Miss you boys”

Why are you swiping the prime of your life away on Tik-Tok instead of: -lifting weights -asking out your crush -crushing it at work and getting promoted -bringing grateful energy to the bar -bragging about your boy to his girlfriend when he’s in the bathroom/is otherwise occupied -watching The Big Short with your boys (and chill girls with good bodies) -being more like your favorite movie characters -working on your secret passion project (the thing you daydream about when you’re sober) -becoming such a great guy that you become your crush’s crush and she regularly demands you bust inside her

Top 10 feelings: -black coffee when it’s raining outside -when a girl with a good body grabs you by your inner elbow -lifting weights in the Sun blasting country music -upper body muscle soreness -getting high with someone who’s the oldest sibling of his/her family -sleeping with a girl you’d be pumped to show off to your cool Uncle (your cool Uncle = the one you can tell anything to judgment-free) -waking up in the middle of the night realizing you still have more hours to sleep -getting hugged by your friend’s dad -plotting a food order with your boys at 1PM on an NFL Sunday -Harry Potter marathon when it’s snowing outside -watching Rocky stand up in the final round of Rocky II -when a Senior walk-on scores a basket on Senior Day

Having a chaotic childhood makes being around calming people so euphoric. People you can tell the truth to, judgment-free. People you can just chill out with and do nothing. People you never feel like you're in trouble around... These people have no idea how heavenly they are.

Why are you following Instagram models? Is following Alix Earle making your life better? Is the outfit she wore to Coachella or the “intention” with which she drinks her matcha making your life better? Are you gonna pry her away from Braxton Berrios??? (someone better-looking and more athletic than James Bond) Do you think supermodel number 36,914 is pumped when you double-tap her photo dump on the boat in Dubai? Do you think she’s fist-pumping? “Yes! ScottWhite34 liked my picture! Now I can have a good day!” There is a baddie in your neighborhood who is hot enough to date Eric Decker who wakes up at 6AM every day and executes a weapons-grade skincare routine then crushes Pilates and bangs out work at a coffee shop - where you’ve seen her 10 times. Crazy idea: go talk to her.

Hangover cure: -Sun (25 minutes) -black coffee -hit the gym -is this the best lift of your life certainly not but it saves you -decline your shady friend’s invite to rip bong with him and his “homie” -go to your popular cousin’s house 9 years older than you for his girlfriend’s promotion party -help set up tables and stock coolers with him and his friends while ranking Rocky movies (4, 1, 3, 2) -a baddie is sitting alone with her laptop looking so hot it’s terrifying but you rise to the occasion because older girls bring out the best in you -sit next to her and ask her if she’s actually working or if she’s just pretending to be busy to avoid small-talk, when she says yes tell her you did the same with headphones at the gym -talk about how awesome life was from 2011-2016 and how long Summers felt between school years before social media *Since U Been Gone by Kelly Clarkson is playing in the background, grill smoke is in the air as well as a tinge of crisp Fall breeze* -she tells you how old she is (34) to which you reply dryly like Ryan Gosling “amazing so you won’t be clingy after I bust” -she smiles cheek to cheek in a way you didn’t think was possible based on her personality -your cousin calls you over to him and his friends to have you tell the story of when you rescued one of your High School football coaches from a strip club (27 year-old assistant coach at the time who your cousin and friends grew up with) -when it gets dark the baddie tells you she needs to leave to feed her cat, before you can respond she grabs your inner elbow and says “blue Jeep - wait 5 minutes” -you meet her on the street corner and ride to her house one town over, her back and calves look unreal when she reaches for the cat food, you smash without a condom then watch 3 episodes of Mindhunter -go back to the party to help clean up while she showers and sends emails (she entrusts you with her car which strangely fires you up) -pick up cigarettes on your way back and smoke together on her balcony and look up at the stars and think to yourself ‘life is so good it hurts’

Hangover cure: 1. Lift weights at the Y 2. Deprive yourself of Breakfast and Lunch to cancel out 3AM McDonald’s the night before 3. Watch 5 episodes of Friday Night Lights 4. Walk your neighborhood listening to “Stay” by Rihanna on repeat regretting not pursuing the wholesome bombshell you met last night 5. But to your surprise you see her in the window of a coffee shop, she’s about to be interviewed for an elite engineering program, she motions you to come inside - you pepper her with interview questions and give her tips on how to phrase things (out of nowhere you’re remembering conversation tactics from Psychology class Freshman Year) 6. She asks you to wait in the booth next to her because she “feels good around you” - she destroys the interview and wins the job on the spot, you make-out for 10 seconds then go to her place and smash in her immaculately neat bedroom (afterwards she pats/hugs you like a champion horse) 7. Bring her to your cool Uncle’s party for the Sunday Night game (he catered Five Guys and bought apple pies), listen to him tell a story about the poker hand that changed his life while your Aunt and her friends give her the warmest welcome of all-time (your cool Uncle = the one you can tell party-related secrets to) 8. Slow-dance with her on the patio to “Chasing Cars” by Snow Patrol 9. Go to your place and watch Forgetting Sarah Marshall, take a pause break to bang in the Carolina-blue lighting of the paused TV screen (finish doggy-style here to admire her toned back) 10. FaceTime her divorced dad together - hit it off with him right away (you coincidentally went to the same High School), stay up until 1:30AM telling High School football stories/talking about life Important: 1) Don’t be ‘cool’/flirty when you’re getting her ready for the interview - genuinely help her. 2) Any coffee you drink must be black 3) Give her your hoodie at your Uncle’s party (don’t ask her if she wants it just put it on her like Mark Wahlberg would) 4) No small-talk with her dad - be genuine, admit mistakes you’ve made 5) No checking emails, no checking Instagram - no checking any apps besides Twitter

Things that are in: -lifting weights -Coldplay -Theo Von when he’s not trying to be funny -quality pregames where you can see and hear everybody -fitness girls -Walter Goggins -upper body muscle soreness -calling your friends for no reason (not because you want something) Things that are out: -claiming you have “autism” when you’re just an uninteresting dork -being cynical -being passive-aggressive -making therapy your personality -putting girls on a pedestal (turns you into a pussy and makes her feel uncomfortable) -following Instagram models/liking their pictures (insane) -people-pleasing

The plan: -start pregaming at 5 -your friend’s sister 2 years older than you comes over with 6 hot friends -one of them is wearing just a bikini and Jordan’s, her hands are the size of Dua Lipa’s and her body looks like she’s hit Pilates 5 times a week for 7 years -she calls you awkward when you talk to her and calls your friends pussies for wearing sunscreen -at 9PM your neighbors invite you to their party (100 people) -you don’t wanna go but you know the right thing to do is say yes to life -when you get there you and the baddie are the only people dancing from your group, everyone else is being shy hiding on the perimeter checking their phones (it randomly reminds you of when kids on your football team played soft during road games) -at 11:30PM “She Doesn’t Mind” by Sean Paul comes on - you haven’t heard it in 10 years but it slaps mythologically, the baddie finds you and puts her buttcheeks on you and you dance like a deleted scene from Coach Carter -you go to her place and smash in her immaculate condo (she’s a corporate lawyer) -when she falls asleep you turn on her TV looking for YouTube on her Roku and find naked pictures of her and click “NO” on the option to Airdrop them to you (not because they aren’t great but because that’s a cowardly thing to do) -you meet your boys back at your place and make over-easy eggs and sourdough toast and chug fresh-squeezed orange juice and talk about Sly Cooper on Playstation 2 and the Fiesta Bowl where Brady Quinn’s sister wore a jersey of half Brady Quinn half AJ Hawk -you smoke a cigarette out your window then watch Once Upon A Time In Hollywood

If crisp Fall air doesn’t make you think ‘wow life is a miracle - I’m so lucky to be alive’ then you’re an idiot

What hurts the most is feeling like you wasted your time

People who work at Goldman Sachs don't care if you push their grandma down the stairs

Hangover cure: -wake up randomly grateful and do 50 push-ups -invite 2 of your boys over -also invite 3 baddies over who you met at the bar Friday (chill fitness baddies with bubble butts) -bantering with them is effortless because you don’t know anyone else in common - you don’t need to be “nice” you can just be yourselves -they tan while you guys grill with 2000s throwbacks on your JBL (“Sunrise” by Norah Jones, “Who Knew” by Pink, etc.) -have a group conversation about how lucky you are to live in America -let the gratitude charging through you inspire you and your boys to hit more push-ups - the girls don’t film it or laugh they say “that’s sick” because they’re chill -eat steak tips and potato wedges then pile into your Jeep and drive to a trail and go for a hike wearing only sneakers and bathing suits -take a group picture at the peak because you all agree you have a feeling you’re gonna wanna remember this day the rest of your life -go back home when the Sun goes down and bang in separate rooms, let the girl you’re with wear one of your High School football t-shirts because you’ve 100% developed feelings for her -meet back up in your TV room and crank the AC to 60 and watch Wedding Crashers

Hangover cure: -hit the gym for 30 minutes with your popular cousin 9 years older than you (you’re staying with him for Easter) -see a baddie doing treadmill sprints who looks like J-Wow from The Jersey Shore -turns out she’s friends with your cousin’s girlfriend so her and your cousin start talking -let them chat about the party your cousin is throwing at 1PM and ask “Can she come” like Matthew McConaughey in a 2000s Rom-Com -remain calm when your cousin insists and she says yes with no resistance -drink a large black coffee then set up tables and chairs for your cousin’s girlfriend -when the woman gets there chat her up like you’ve known her for years, roam the party together people-watching talking about one day moving to Florida, find out she’s a thriving real estate agent and her only social media is Facebook -eat a ribeye steak (rare) at a table with her and your cousin’s girlfriend, let your cousin’s girlfriend subtly frame you as the absolute man -get summoned by your cousin to tell a story to his friends about the time you got suspended twice in the same week during High School -continue bonding with the woman over the fact you don’t know any of the other guests, let her pull you into the bathroom and make-out with you when “Hanging By A Moment” by Lifehouse comes on -go to her place in her Lexus and smash in her living room -go back to the party to help clean up while she fires off emails (she entrusts you with her car which strangely fires you up) -pick up a present for her on your way back then bang again and watch Wedding Crashers (the present is a For Sale sign of her competitor you took from a front lawn) -smoke a cigarette with her while walking your neighborhood talking about how lucky you are to live in America and realize you forgot how joyful it is hanging with a girl you don’t lose interest in after busting

Latenight hours are so calming. The thoughts hit so hard, the conversations get so real, the movie-watching is unrivaled. Latenight hours are sublime.

The plan: -go to a rooftop bar for a friend’s birthday and see your longtime crush from College (you hooked up 6 times then she stopped responding to your texts) -she’s at a table with obnoxious Finance guys whose lord and savior is Patrick Bateman -someone shouts your last name with 10/10 enthusiasm, you wheel around to your best friend from Middle School and have the most wholesome conversation of all-time -“Waiting For Love” by Avicii comes on triggering so much nostalgia your gut swirls - immediately you and your crush lock eyes across the bar (it was blasting at the day party the Saturday you first smashed) -you find each other in the crowd and introduce her to your friend (seeing them talk is surreal) -she pulls your arm around her neck and watches you guys catch up like it’s the final match at Centre Court Wimbledon -the Finance guys don’t like this - 40 minutes and 5 lines of blow later 3 of them ambush you, your friend sees them coming and puts the first one to the ground like Luke Kuechley in 2012, you clothes-line the second one while the third one runs away - the bouncers (massive black guys) saw the whole thing and drag them out (not only are they not mad they say “respect big dog are you good”) -you and your crush roam the rooftop getting complimented on how good you look together, before leaving you find your friend and hug him goodbye and tell him thank you (he’s so wasted he can’t form sentences but you can tell by how much time he’s giving you he’ll remember this the rest of his life) -you and your crush go to her place and smash without a condom, you smoke cigarettes on her balcony and book a trip together to Barcelona

The plan: -lift weights at the Y then hit a dive bar with your boys, Girls Just Wanna Have Fun is blasting, cigarettes are being smoked inside -see your gym crush across the bar and get gut-tumbling butterflies (she’s 5’9” 150lbs wearing a jean-skirt and backless top) -summon the swagger of Ryan Gosling and have the greatest conversation your life - no small talk whatsoever, talk about Interstellar and your secret fantasies -drive to a house party together and hit it off with her friends (this goes from them evaluating you to them liking you to them asking her permission to watch you and her bang) -catch a forty-something Finance guy putting Xanax in one of their drinks, clutch his wrist while the bars are in his hand so everyone sees them and knows you’re the good guy - punch him in the ribs so hard he forgets the names of his 3 kids -go to your crush’s place and smash and smoke cigarettes all night and stay up til 4AM writing a movie script together about a truck driver and his ex-wife who rob a corrupt pharmaceutical factory -realize you can’t remember the last time you didn’t want a night to end - let this make you 10% sad but 90% wildly grateful to be alive

Hangover cure: -shower -Nitro cold brew -hit the gym and have randomly one of the best lifts of your life -go to your friend’s place to grill steaks -his girlfriend brings 3 hot friends (they played Soccer in College and their bodies are insane) -you’ve seen pictures of them and know exactly who they are but you’ve never had an introduction/conversation -they make sweet potatoes and tomato-mozzarella skewers in the kitchen -eat shirtless on the porch on an outdoor dining table in the Sun -have a 90 minute post-meal conversation about how unattractive complaining is and how hot and healthy you’re gonna be in your forties, while one of the girls is speaking think to yourself ‘wow if we banged I wouldn’t even think about wearing a condom’ -go inside and chill on the couches - an IG reel the girls shows you turns into you and her sitting next to each other watching Tim Dillon videos for 50 minutes -play 2000s throwbacks while cleaning up the food/plates and have a sentimental conversation about how “Chariot” by Gavin Degraw makes you miss High School -one by one when people are leaving the girl asks you “wanna come to my place and watch Netflix” -let her go ahead of you so you’re not riding there together because you don’t wanna lose your magic in a potentially boring car ride (this girl is so out of your league it’s terrifying - it reminds you of praying the predominantly-white 15 seed in the NCAA tournament doesn’t blow the upset) -when you get there do your best to last longer than 90 seconds -you don’t but she’s happy - she pats you on the butt like a champion horse then tells you you can sleepover -watch Disturbia (2007) Important: -wear headphones at the gym but don’t listen to anything - you’re not ready for music yet you just don’t want people to talk to you -the girls are allowed to eat the tomato-mozzarella skewers but you and your boys aren’t -when she hands you the remote you need to pick the movie in less than 10 seconds

Hangover cure: -gym -black coffee -reply “Yes!” to the text in your groupchat asking if anyone’s down to hit your hometown diner (30 minute drive) -the hottest girl from your High School is there with her dad, you shake his hand and he chats you up reminiscing on your High School football days (his son was a Freshman when you were a Senior so they were at every game) -the conversation is so heartwarming he invites you to his house for the 4PM NFL games -you and your boys pick up a bottle of wine and apple pie as party gifts, when you get there the dad asks you who you think will win the game - you say “Eagles” and him and his golf buddies put 15 grand on them moneyline -the baddie sits next to you freshly showered wearing booty shorts smelling like your hot childhood babysitter’s car fresheners -it’s the most nerve-racking 3 hours of your life but when the Eagles win the men treat you like white men treat Tiger Woods, the moms are screaming at them from the kitchen pounding vodka telling them to calm down -you and your boys and the baddie drive back to the city playing 2000s throwbacks, you and the baddie sing every word of “Over My Head” by The Fray with the accidental chemistry of Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens in High School Musical -when you get dropped off she follows you to your door and you set her laundry down on your counter then make-out and smash like the scene from The Notebook minus the rain, after you bust she’s not clingy just one kiss and a smack on the butt -you put on Harry Potter & The Prisoner Of Azkaban (which you would not have had the courage to do had your performance^ not been solid (B+)) and when the opening theme comes on the screen she says “Yes!” just as pumped as your reply in the groupchat

It’s wildly refreshing (and also flattering) when Uber drivers break rules for you. It’s extremely main character of them

Cheating is insecurity and greed

The plan: -arrive at your local dive bar and see a girl who used to babysit you (smoking hot, extremely popular), Wake Me Up by Avicii is roaring, the place is absolutely ripping -you make smooth conversation with her despite being incredibly nervous, her friends compliment you outloud and tell her to take you home later - but it’s then that you notice the bouncer who has Down Syndrome is being bullied at the door, three cackling jackals yanked his shirt up over his head and are playing keep-away with it -you storm through the bar like Brad Pitt in Fury and punch the largest of them in the face then chuck the next one against the wall - the third one runs away while the kid with Downs Syndrome pummels the first one into the ground - when the beat-down concludes you and the kid dap up then head inside where the kid is applauded like a soldier, the bar owner hands him an iPod and tells him to play his favorite song -a moment later Dog Days Are Over by Florence & The Machine chimes through the bar, a crowd floods the dance floor that you and the kid dance merrily in the middle of - the place is absolutely jubilant, the ‘nothing else in the world matters’ feeling rifles through you, it’s as if the bar has lifted off the ground and is levitating to the stars -the night ends with you and your former babysitter watching Superbad and having a sleepover

Hangover cure: -sunlight -black coffee -gym (dips and rows) -21-minute phone call with your cool Uncle (the one you can tell anything to judgment-free) -sit outside at a BBQ restaurant at 2PM with your boys - leave a 100% tip (your waitress is a single mother of a child with special needs) -go back to one of their places and watch 5 episodes of The Office -get a text out of nowhere from the baddie who rejected you 3 months ago (and 8 months ago) asking you to come over -go to her place and talk on her bed for 30 seconds then smash without a condom, her butt and calves are even more phenomenal in-person than in pictures (you wanna tell her this as a compliment but you can’t find words that don’t sound weird so you keep it to yourself) -meet back up with your boys and watch The Dark Knight while writing banger tweets Important: -the phone call with your Uncle can’t be planned it has to be serendipitous -don’t bicker about who owes exactly what on the BBQ bill -pull the window blinds down to eliminate glare on the TV screen -don’t linger at the girl’s place - you can tell she doesn’t want you there you’re just physical utility (don’t be sad be grateful - this is why we lift weights)

Things you can’t control: -the past -what people think of you -your friend bailing on your plans because he’s too banged up from the stripclub Things you can control: -hitting the gym -eating healthy -crushing it at work -leaving massive tips at restaurants/bars -talking to people like you already know them -not being a schemer -not being transactional -telling the father of the bride “Thank you so much Mr. [his last name] I’m having the time of my life” when you’re at weddings -taking random moments throughout your week to realize you live in a free country where gyms and Christopher Nolan movies exist and the fact you’re alive is a 1 in 500 trillion miracle - you’re so lucky it’s absurd and you have nothing to lose :)

The plan: -lift weights between rounds of beer die in your friend’s backyard playing 2010s throwbacks (namely Spins by Mac Miller and Hey Brother by Avicii) -dinner is 6 over-easy eggs on sourdough toast and a Nitro cold brew -see a baddie at the bar who looks like Sandra Bullock in 2005, overcome your raging butterflies and chat her up like Ryan Gosling - talk about costumes you’d wear to a Halloween party if you were dating and what thoughts occupy your mind at 1-3AM when you can’t sleep -let her and her 3 friends have a discussion about you in the bathroom then get invited to their house with your 3 boys for a dance-off - each couple practices for 30 minutes then does their routine in front of the group (you and the baddie do an upbeat wedding dance to The One That Got Away by Katy Perry) -let her pull you into her bedroom after the last round of applause and smash like Billy Costigan and his hot therapist in The Departed for 45 minutes (43.5 minutes longer than you usually last) -return to the living room to find out everyone else did the same thing (this was the girls’ plan all along), move their piano and mount their new TV while they make Annie’s Mac & Cheese -politely decline and hug them goodnight then go back to your place and watch Dark Knight Rises, take a cigarette break 10 minutes in and recap the night - no gossiping whatsoever just say “great girls” and “life is good boys”

Hangover cure: -50 push-ups -meet your friend for coffee -go to his older sister’s apartment with him and watch Forgetting Sarah Marshall -his sister’s roommates are baddies 5 years older than you who played College Soccer and now teach Special Ed -the way they talk about dating is harsh but fascinating -they spend 45 minutes getting ready for the beach until you assertively say “the beach is great don’t get me wrong and some days are meant to be spent there but today isn’t one of them we can get Sun here on the patio without having to pack and get the car and slosh there hungover nevermind the sand” -they sigh in relief and say “wow so true” and one of them says “retweet” to which the girl you’ve developed a crush on calls her a loser for -sit shirtless on the patio while they rant about how “pathetic” the average person’s diets are, your addition to this conversation is how to stupid it is to follow Instagram models *your friend leaves with plans of coming back but never comes back* -you and the girls go to the grocery store to get steaks and avocados, you sit shotgun and play 2000s throwbacks and don’t smile or say a word (“Pocketful Of Sunshine” Natasha Bedingfield, “Hanging By A Moment” Lifehouse) -get home and grill the steaks while they make sweet potatoes and pasta salad -stay up late doing a puzzle with La La Land in the background, one by one the girls go to bed until it’s just you and the girl you like, she pulls you into her bedroom and you smash on her furry carpet -get back to the puzzle and share a carton of orange juice while she gives you advice on what you need to know about women for the next 5 years -make-out with her goodnight and hand her the puzzle piece you wrote your number on when she was in the bathroom -as you’re walking home get randomly sad about not wanting to grow up because you don’t think anyone will like you when you’re 30 -get a text from her when you’re back at your place and spend 20 minutes drafting a banger paragraph but then backspace the entire thing and just say “You’re amazing”

There just isn't enough space on the platform they're standing on. This is what makes it weird

Hangover cure: -50 push-ups -black coffee -go to a grad party in your hometown for a friend’s younger sibling -every kid and parent you’ve ever house-partied with is there - your heart is full AF -hit it off with a girl you went to High School with who you never talked to (she’s a certified baddie now who does Pilates 4 times a week), reminisce on the time you let her cheat off your test Junior Year -recap the weddings you’ve been at recently letting her do 90% of the talking, admit you don’t think anyone could ever love you enough to want to marry you - remain calm when she impulsively says “same” and knocks over a beer glass while grabbing your inner elbows -get compliments from the dads about how “great you played” that one playoff game (there’s one specific play they forget to mention but it’s fine) -gather a group of your friends and tell the host parents how much fun you’re having and how the string lights around the perimeter of the tent were a great touch -carry tables from the backyard to the garage for the mom -as the party’s winding down “All You Wanted” by Michelle Branch comes on, scan the party realizing ‘I almost forgot this is the whole point’ -catch the girl you were talking to staring at you then sipping her drink to try to hide it -go with her and 2 couples to one of their houses in the town over, smash on separate floors then meet in the TV room and watch The Town

Hangover cure: 1. Lift weights at the Y 2. Drink coffee in your car listening to “Stay” by Rihanna on repeat 3. Coach your 4th Grade cousin’s basketball team to a come-from-behind win, be 10 times chiller than the opposing coach (Finance guy who complains every 30 seconds who you can tell treats his wife badly and leaves 5% tips at restaurants) 4. See a yoga-thick baddie at halfcourt after the game (she’s babysitting two kids you coached), groan audibly together when “Since U Been Gone” comes on the loudspeakers 5. Talk to her like you already know her, find out you went to the same High School, strike up banter Matthew McConaughey would have with Scarlet Johansson in a 2005 Rom-Com - say yes when she asks you to come to the house where she’s babysitting (a mansion in the suburbs with a home theater and elite pantry) 6. Smash in the guest bedroom when the kids take a nap, last 90 seconds the first time then 11 minutes round two (her butt and calves are more phenomenal than you thought was physically possible) 7. Cook dinner for the kids then teach them how to do push-ups - also tell them if they punch a bully in the face it’s perfectly okay (not only is it okay it’s encouraged and if they do it you’ll give them a $100 dollar bill) 8. watch The Dark Knight with them 9. Bang again when they go to bed - finish with eye contact here to let her know this day means something. 10. At 11PM order deluxe-sized acai bowls (don’t ask her if she wants one just get her one like Mark Wahlberg would) 11. Be 100% respectful when the kids’ divorced mom comes home, don’t hide, be genuine, have a banger conversation with her about life for 30 minutes - by the time you’re done talking she isn’t mad she’s actually pumped (she asks what room you banged in and asks you to come back next weekend to teach her kids how to hit a baseball, she compliments you numerous times and tells the girl to “lock you down”) Important: 1) Give every kid playing time 2) Don’t even think about wearing a condom - this girl is obsessed with you and she’s calming and you genuinely enjoy being with her (even after you bust) 3) Turn the TV room lights off while watching Batman to eliminate glare on the TV screen but keep the kitchen lights on in the background so the kids don’t get scared 4) Get the following acai bowl toppings: bananas, dates, coconut flakes, honey 5) No checking emails, no checking Instagram - no checking any apps besides Twitter

The Plan: -attend a pregame in West Village where a bombshell blonde is wandering the apartment aimlessly, she’s from the Midwest and doesn’t understand rich East Coast white people (no one wants to talk to her because she has no social utility to offer) -your friend’s girlfriend hands you her phone to do a once-over of the girl’s Instagram, from there you learn she plays guitar, your friend grabs a guitar off the fireplace and encourages her to play a song -she plays Rather Be (2014) and absolutely kills it, she strums fearlessly and sings like a goddess, the party joins her midway through to roar the chorus in jubilation, as she’s finishing she stares at you - your gut swirls with butterflies, testosterone floods your package -she finds you later at the bar and tells you her dad is a High School football coach and that you’re “exactly” the guy he would want her to bring home (you couldn’t be more amped nor could you feel more patriotic) - you make classy yet forward conversation and 5 minutes later you’re making out (you despise PDA normally but with her it’s not cringe at all) -the night peaks when The One That Got Away comes on, the bar erupts in nostalgic euphoria, the DJ cranks the volume to 3000, the thought ‘life is so amazing it hurts’ rifles through you - you and the bombshell Irish exit and have the greatest sleepover in human history

Hangover cure: 1. Wake up randomly grateful and hit the gym with your boys 2. See your gym crush hitting a kettlebell circuit (she played Soccer at your College and her body is insane) 3. Ask her what music she’s listening to and find out she’s equally hungover - talk to her like you already know her, let her vent about her night while touching your arms/shoulders, have a conversation Matthew McConaughey would have with Jessica Biel in a 2007 Rom-Com, say yes when she asks if she can shower at your place (afterwards let her wear one of your HS football t-shirts) 4. watch Friday Night Lights while banging between episodes (her butt and calves make you think to yourself ‘it’s absurd how hot the female physique can be’) 5. Make pancakes while listening to 2000s throwbacks (Daughters, Like A Bird, How To Save A Life, A Thousand Miles) 6. Get a phone call from your cool Uncle and have a hilarious 29-minute talk about how he coincidentally used to coach football at the school the Soccer girl’s unmarried Aunt currently teaches - schedule a double-date for Tuesday (your cool Uncle = the one you can tell party-related secrets to) 7. Take a 90-minute nap 8. Have a 2-hour writing session at your kitchen table in total silence (she works on a law school application while you work on the novel you haven’t told anyone you’re writing) 9. watch The Social Network 10. At 11PM order deluxe-sized acai bowls (don’t ask her if she wants one just get one for her like a man) 11. Wake up in the middle of the night with her head resting on your chest and her leg wrapped across your body and look out the window at the stars and think ‘wow life is a miracle - I’m so lucky to be alive’ Important: 1) Don’t be annoying when you ask her what music she’s listening to, be chill/genuinely curious (she should think you’re high at first) 2) Pull the window blinds down to eliminate glare on the TV screen 3) The t-shirt you give her must be 100% cotton 4) Get the following acai bowl toppings: blueberries, dates, dark chocolate chips, coconut shavings 5) No work talk, no checking Instagram - no checking any app besides Twitter

Eggshell relationships are death. Having a chaotic upbringing makes being around calming people so euphoric. People you can tell the truth to, judgment-free. People you never feel like you're in trouble around... These people have no idea how heavenly they are :)

Ideal Sunday: 1. Watch Dark Knight with your boys while smashing push-ups every 30 minutes 2. Go to your cool Uncle’s house party to watch your hometown team at 1PM, meet a 39-year old woman who you vibe with bizarrely perfectly, develop inside jokes and exchange numbers, get hard AF when you hug her goodbye (your cool Uncle = the one you can tell anything to, judgment-free) 3. Meet up with your boys for the 4PM games, watch your Fantasy team roll, let the thought ‘I’m so lucky I was born in America’ rifle through you 4. Fire up the grill and play chill music (Landslide by Fleetwood Mac, everything i wanted by Billie Eilish), it’s colder out than you expected but you’re totally fine wearing a hoodie 5. Get a text from the 39-year old woman referencing something super specific you were discussing earlier - send back an expertly sarcastic response to which she replies with a hilarious photo of someone you were people-watching at the party (a friend of your Uncle’s asleep in a rocking chair with a beer bottle on his belly) - smile to yourself and reply “Amazing” then wait 45 minutes before adding “Can I come over later” 6. Get butterflies when she replies “Yes” but remain outwardly calm 7. Ask your neighbors (great girls) to take a photo of you and your boys, offer them food as a thank you and invite them over next Sunday, compliment one of their boyfriends even though you don’t know him that well (treat the girl the way you would want another guy to treat your girlfriend) 8. Go to the woman’s place and strike up the same banter you enjoyed earlier, take your shirt off and make-out with her within 30 seconds of being there - smash phenomenally for 3 hours in her candle-lit master bedroom (three 29-minute rounds while watching “The Notebook” on TBS) 9. Discuss the movie in-depth, break it down like it’s Honors English class, have the deepest most perspective-shifting conversation of your life - let her tragically make you realize that up until now you’ve never truly enjoyed hanging with a girl unless you were having sex 10. Check your phone as you’re falling asleep and see the picture ^ of you and your boys - let the following Adele lyrics ring softly in your mind: ‘let me photograph you in this light in case it is the last time that we might be exactly like we were before we realized we were scared of getting old it made us restless… oh I’m so mad I’m getting old it makes me reckless… it was just like a movie… it was just like a song… when we were young’ 11. Fire off the most sentimental ‘I love you boys’ text to your boys’ group chat of all-time Important: 1) Take a moment to appreciate the heavenly smell of grill smoke 2) You need to double-text her on step 5, this makes her feel good and shows confidence (people who worry out about “double-texting” aren’t gonna make it, they’re insecure) 3) Any coffee you drink must be black 4) No talking about work, no checking emails - no checking any apps besides Twitter

Who takes care of the eldest daughter? Her favorite movie characters

It’s usually learned as a result of traumatic childhoods. They need to fight/observe/process information for themselves. They get good at finding ways to win, their pattern recognition is phenomenal. They grow up fast and advantageously. Main character/hero types

Hangover cure: 1. Wake up with a girl you’ve had a crush on for 3 years who by the grace of God you were lucky enough to sleep with (yoga-thick baddie 2 years older than you with aesthetic tattoos) 2. Let her sleep in while you hit the gym 3. Come home and smash then make breakfast: biscuits and over-easy eggs 4. Watch 3 episodes of Friday Night Lights then take a 90-minute nap (pull the window blinds down to eliminate glare on the TV screen) 5. Bring her to your cool Uncle’s house party, have a blast with him and his friends while his girlfriend and her hot yoga friends give her the warmest welcome of all-time (your cool Uncle = the one you can tell anything to judgment-free) 6. Let her drink one too many glasses of wine in the kitchen with the women then confess to you that she too has been “obsessed” with you for years, let her show you screenshots to prove it - parlay this honesty into the greatest conversation of your lives: talk about Interstellar and your secret fantasies and how the song “Never Say Never” by The Fray makes you miss High School 7. Go home and bang like Matthew McConaughey and Hilary Duff in her prime (bust inside her upon her request - hearing her tell you this is surreal) 8. Order sushi 9. Watch Harry Potter & The Goblet Of Fire (midway through book a trip to London) 10. Get a text from your cool Uncle saying “I’m proud of u. Ur golden” 11. Realize you can’t remember the last time you didn’t want a night to end (this makes you 10% sad 90% wildly grateful to be alive) Important: 1) Any coffee you drink must be black 2) Pick up an apple pie and a chocolate cake on your way to your Uncle’s party 3) Don’t be animated/emotional during your banger conversation, be strong and calm like Ryan Gosling 4) Don’t even think about wearing a condom. 5) No checking Instagram, no checking emails - no checking any apps besides Twitter

Ideal Sunday: 1. Lift weights with your 2 best friends while playing 2009-2014 pop music 2. Invite each of your crushes over to watch Harry Potter & The Prisoner Of Azkaban at your place - pull the window blinds down to eliminate glare on the TV screen 3. Bring your friends & your crushes to your cool Uncle’s party for the 1PM NFL games, watch your Uncle and his friends banter in hilarious fascination, download banger life advice from your Uncle’s girlfriend and her hot friends (your cool Uncle = the one you can tell anything to, judgment-free) 4. Go back to your place (the six of you) and take naps on the couches, get woken up by your crush then stealthily creep to your bedroom, have sex without a condom and make-out with her after busting - realize as you’re putting your boxers on you can’t remember the last time you enjoyed kissing a girl post-sex 5. Make dinner as a group while playing Christmas music (biscuits, baked beans, blueberries & banana smoothies, melt-in-your-mouth brisket) - take unannounced breaks where you and your boys split off into separate rooms and get it on with your crushes 6. Play Monopoly in teams of 2 with Sunday Night Football on the background, talk about which ^ adults you most enjoyed being around at the party 7. Get pillows and blankets and lock back in for Harry Potter & The Goblet Of Fire, fall asleep with your crush holding you around your neck and her legs wrapped around your body (take a moment to process this in surreal disbelief) 8. Wake up in the middle of the night and meet your boys in the kitchen, play cards in the dim oven light while taking cigarette breaks in the crisp Fall air and have a banger conversation you look back on fondly for the rest of your life Important: 1) Brag about your boys to their crushes throughout the day when they’re in the bathroom/otherwise occupied 2) Any coffee you drink must be black 3) The girls are allowed Mac & Cheese at dinner - the boys aren’t. 4) The lift is Chin-Ups, Shoulder Presses, Deadlifts, Side Raises (50 minutes) 5) No talking about work, no checking emails - no checking any apps besides Twitter

The plan: -start pregaming at 930AM at the lake house -it’s you and your 2 boys and 3 baddies who played College soccer -“Drink In My Hand” by Eric Church is blasting - you’re flooded with memories of fresh-cut grass your senior year of football -you have a fired up conversation where you conclude 1) God bless America 2) it’s your obligation to the universe to be hot and healthy in your 40s (the girls are 2 years older than you so every word they say is fascinating) -by the time the party starts it’s like you’ve known each other 15 years -you party with College friends you haven’t seen since 2021 - you were worried your friendships expired but they didn’t you drop right back in :) -one of the baddies grabs your inner elbow and asks for help in the garage, when you get there she slams the door shut and you smash against the wall -you shower then join a talking circle of dudes wearing jerseys (one USA Kobe one Christian Ponder), you bracket-style rank TV networks’ jingles - SEC on CBS beats FOX NFL Sunday in the finals -you watch fireworks then grill steaks with the crew you pregamed with then play Monopoly in teams of 2 and watch Dazed And Confused

You’re allowed to lift weights tonight and blast “Ho Hey” by The Lumineers on the drive home.

Hangover cure: 1. Hit shoulders and back at a gym that plays country music 2. Catch your gym crush watching you lustily as you smash your final set (2 years older than you, looks like Eva Mendes) 3. Chat her up like Tim Riggins after a 2 TD win, find out she doesn’t drink alcohol but isn’t self-righteous about it, get 70% hard when she hugs you goodbye and gives you her number 4. Get a Nitro cold brew from Starbucks and drink it from a frosted pint glass while watching the 1PM games with your boys having an enchanted texting convo with her ^ 5. Say yes when she asks you to come over to “help her stretch” - resume the banter you enjoyed earlier, take your shirt off when she drops her towel, make-out for 60 seconds then smash in her immaculately neat bedroom (her butt and calves are even more phenomenal in-person than they are in pictures) 6. Take a difficult two-stream piss then stare at yourself in the bathroom mirror in disbelief 7. Bring her to your cool Uncle’s party for the Night game, let the crisp Fall air make you randomly nostalgic, give her your hoodie without asking, take a moment to appreciate the split beer and grill smoke - rise to the occasion when your Aunt’s friends dare you to play a song on the piano, play “She’s Always A Woman” by Billy Joel and alternate lyrics with your Uncle as the crowd watches in awestruck silence (your cool Uncle = the one you can tell party-related secrets to) 8. Go home with your gym crush and bake chocolate-chip cookies - bang on the couch for 45 minutes while the tray is in the oven (43.5 minutes longer than you usually last) then watch Troy (2004) while mentally replaying the visuals of her toned back and determined face 9. Play it cool when she tries to show you a picture of her dressed up as Wonder Woman last Halloween but accidentally swipes into a groupchat of her and her hot older sisters showering you with compliments in response to a screenshot of one of your Instagram pictures

Hangover cure: 1. Wake up randomly grateful and hit the gym with your boys 2. See your childhood babysitter doing squats (smoking hot, extremely popular) 3. Ask her on a date Tuesday night (Leonardo Da Vinci exhibit) and find out she’s equally hungover, have a conversation Matthew McConaughey would’ve had with Angelina Jolie in her prime - remain calm when you get to your car and find her waiting for you in the passenger seat 4. Go to your place and smash then watch 2 episodes of Friday Night Lights (her butt and calves make you wish you lived with her in Ancient Rome) 5. Bring her to your cool Uncle’s house party from 3-9PM, have a blast with him and his friends while their wives give her the warmest welcome of all-time (your cool Uncle = the one you can tell party-related secrets to) 6. Go back to your place and eat an entire box of dates together while watching Harry Potter & The Goblet Of Fire - take a pause break to bang in the Carolina-blue lighting of the paused TV screen (finish doggy-style here to admire her toned back) 7. Step outside to share a cigarette and have a sentimental conversation about how Sundays make you miss High School - put on XO by John Mayer and slow-dance to it in the crisp Fall air 8. Make pancakes in the dimly-lit kitchen (microwave light only) 9. Wake up in the middle of the night with her head rested on your chest and her leg wrapped across your body and think to yourself ‘wow life is a miracle, I’m so grateful to be alive’