reporter joseph.bernstein@nytimes.com
New York
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Wife accused me of stealing her élite moisturizer because I’ve been looking “way too dewy.” And guess what? She’s right. Stuff is a game changer that they’ve been hiding from us, boys.
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I love this theory that Stanely Kubrick was murdered by the Illuminati for making a movie about their disturbing sex parties, but then they released the movie with the disturbing sex parties anyways
Stanley Kubrick died of a heart attack in his sleep six days after showing the final cut of Eyes Wide Shut to Warner Bros. He reportedly considered it his "greatest contribution to the art of cinema".
Many have speculated that he was murdered for it and that this scene is why.
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I think one of the main advantages of going to Harvard/Yale/etc. is meeting really rich people who will take you to their family’s vacation homes over the summer.
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Sometimes you come across a group of Millennials who are still living fully in the Master of None/Warby Parker era. With their natural wines. These people must be treated gently, like the Japanese soldiers who didn't know World War 2 was over.
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I’m sorry, it’s just really funny that this website has given a free pass to almost all reality television, the most manipulative format in the history of human entertainment, and is coming down hard on *Nathan Fielder*
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A common defense of Musk from his admirers/friends (and I heard it a lot reporting on him) is that he really does spend all his time thinking about how to save humanity and that he considers everything else a distraction. The Twitter debacle would seem to, uh, contradict that
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I like how much AI researchers are like early 20th century nuclear physicists. “This thing we’re doing is really dangerous… and maybe unethical… but let’s keep doing it… unless… oooh it’s so scary… but also cool… are we the new Gods? We’re full of regret and spirituality…”
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Counting Crows, Blues Traveler, Hootie and the Blowfish, bands of that nature. I don’t think the vibe they were expressing exists anywhere in the world anymore. Not sure how I’d explain it to my kids if I had to.
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Worst case scenario on the train: A crazy guy started shouting gibberish, my 4 and 2 year olds thought it was hilarious, and started loudly imitating him
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My wife isn't going to divorce me for stealing some of her élite, $$$ moisturizer. That's not what marriage is about. She'll add it to the ledger of her petty resentments, which when balanced against mine, come out more or less even. *That's* what marriage is about.
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1/ Last month I had “date night” with my wife. We were resolved to stay out until at least 930. We went to one of Ann Arbor’s best credentialed bars. After 1.5 clever cocktails and some well-considered merguez sliders, we were exhausted. I called a cab.
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When I posted this, I thought it was a light suggestion. Today a lifeguard literally made me get out of the pool and buy a 15 Euro speedo in order to return. (I had been wearing 3” trunks.) Shades of Vichy.
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If she's in it... you know it's about to be a wry examination of adults coming to terms with things
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I absolutely recommend “The Snowman” (1982) if you want to introduce Christmas to your child as a haunting spectacle of the melancholy that stalks all joy, which is knowledge of death
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7/ The crowd is a well-preserved mix of old hippies, activists, townies, professors, and various other over-60s who simply cannot stop rocking. They call themselves the "Silver Tsunami," and they are the subject of my newest piece: nytimes.com/2023/01/12/style…
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Between Andrew Tate, Jordan Peterson, etc., it’s clear there’s an unmet demand for extremely campy masculinity
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Me: "Honey, they're banning journalists from Twitter!"
My wife: *Looks up from her book with the most hopeful expression I've seen on her face in several years*
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My biggest takeaway from my SatC rewatch is complete shock that for some reason the first season has a main character (like as much screentime as Big) who is a rizzless loser named Skipper
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So the real sin of these bands — Mumford, Lumineers, etc. — was taking a syncretic, literate, deeply felt and achingly poignant American mythic from Jason Molina/Will Oldham and turning it into music to buy Axe bodyspray to. Which is also very American, but in a different way.
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Watching "The Americans" for the first time. First season is only 9 years old — and I know it's one of the GOATs — but it's also wild how fast prestige TV has fallen off a cliff. This feels like it was made by a different civilization.
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Me at 20: Unfortunately all recorded music other than two Swans albums is for sheeple
Me at 40: Billy Joel was actually cooking for most of his career
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For my family — for the memory of my father, Michael Bernstein — and for the families of the other 269 people murdered 34 years ago, this is overwhelming news. bbc.com/news/uk-scotland-639…
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I looked up from work at the coffee shop this morning and my kid was in line to order something
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The spam texts are getting flirty enough that I’m sure they are causing problems in people’s marriages. Seems like a pretty socially corrosive thing the government should address.
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The Sphere is good because it’s the first thing we have in the US that seems like it would be built in China or Saudis Arabia. We can’t let them monopolize that kind of uncanny sinister spectacle. We’re capable of so much more.
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10/ This story has given me a major new appreciation for Bob Seger. That dude fucking pumps
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There was a line in my story about Elon — given his fixation on Nathan Fielder — about how his Twitter bid seemed like a Nathan For You bit. It got cut because the median Times reader wouldn’t get it. But I think…developments… have shown that it’s valid.
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It is the deceptive nature of appearances, and of running in Prospect Park, that sometimes you will dust a 5% body fat 25-year-old who is wearing $1000 of expensive exercise clothing, and sometimes you will be dusted by a 50-year-old barrel-shaped Orthodox man wearing all wool
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8/ And thanks to the Geezers, my wife and I stayed out until 10 — the latest we've gone since our second kid was born in April.
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You don’t unlock this stuff until you become a dad - it’s like an endgame skilltree - and you can do some crazy powerful builds with it
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6/ It’s the latest version of a weekly musical happy hour that dates back to the early 1970s. A core of people in the crowd have been coming to the shows for fifty years, since they were patchouli-scented youngsters. Now they call it “Geezers Happy Hour."
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I waited 16 years to read this because I wanted to read it uncontaminated by the discourse. (I have trouble blocking out the discourse, which is a major weakness of mine.) I thought it would be somewhat good to solidly good. It’s easily the best novel of the century so far?
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Boys, this man was a rock star poet, who spoke to the soul of a certain kind of American, who only existed for 10 years from 1987 to 1997.
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It's funny that the guys on here who are always talking "realistically" about Western values and lost civic virtues or whatever have essentially no concept of the value of a human life
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Heartwarming: 33-month-old’s new thing is finding small, choking-sized rocks and telling his 9-month-old brother to “open up for a potato!”
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I am pro-dog. I have a dog and grew up with dogs. But I think standards of dog ownership in public in the city have gone down. I was bit on the street this year and have come very close to it two other times. Not sure what’s behind it.
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9/ There is a major (MAJOR) division in the crowd between people who do and don't like the Stooges. At the same time, they will all dance to Stooges covers, no questions asked.
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First of all, he was murdered by the United States government for admitting that he helped fake the moon landing, through hidden messages in "The Shining,"
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Shaving your facial hair into a Hitler mustache to make a point about how the other guys are Hitler. A classic gambit, elegantly deployed
I am officially joining the Democratic Party as of today. In celebration of their wonderful work I have now adopted a hairstyle that matches their policies..
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5/ I cancelled the cab. We witnessed something special that night: at least 100 old folks dancing like it was 1975. There were longhaired men sucking down bottles of beer, women in skintight dresses, couples flirting by the bar. The story gets better.
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You do lose a certain upper tier of mental acuity as you get into your 40s. But you gain the ability — and the desire — to tell extremely long, meandering stories to illustrate a tangential point in a conversation that has moved on completely. So it kind of nets out to zero.
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One of the problems with the argument that liberals need to "build their own Joe Rogan/Theo Von" etc. is that while those podcasts all have politics, they were not constructed with politics in mind
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This is a common “foreign” misconception about s’mores. (My Euro wife says the same thing.) Fun fact: a fancy restaurant in Brooklyn tried to do smores in their backyard with élite bean to bar chocolate and had to change to Hershey’s after their diners rejected it.
The fatal flaw is the American insistence on making s’mores with Hersheys chocolate, which genuinely should not be allowed to be marketed as chocolate
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The thing that frightens me about this isn't that kids aren't learning to write, per se. It's that learning how to write also teaches you how to think, and the downstream problems presented by a population who can't think are actually scary. nymag.com/intelligencer/arti…
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My father was a Nazi hunter, until he was killed in the Lockerbie bombing, when I was four. Now, a man will stand trial for the crime. What does it mean, after nearly forty years, to seek justice for the crimes of history? My new cover story for @NYTmag: nytimes.com/2025/05/20/magaz…
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I’m WASPmaxxing in Cape Cod. Full on Ralph Lifschitz to Ralph Lauren, long drunken silences, sweaters worn around my shoulders, gin and shellfish, withering bon mots and croquet.
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Storm King isn’t about concerts and Brat summer. It’s about bringing someone you’ve gone on three dates with and slept with in 2013 to take pictures for Instagram with a caption like “got out of the city with this one!” and then breaking up a week later.
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These are Nebraska football players from the peak Osborne years, which means they were all on world-historical doses of anabolic steroids. This is like saying Randy the Macho Man Savage built this nation
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I enjoy interacting with my family on Thanksgiving. Like me, they are flawed but decent people trying their best to make meaning of their lives, and I regard a chance to spend time with them renewing complex bonds of human feeling as precious.
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If you have experienced political violence — which the vast majority of you, thank goodness, never will — you will know how courageous this is.
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This might be the best tweet I've ever seen?
People assume b/c of my name, that I fit into a box of sorts.
Meet my wife, who has lots in common with me. That's why we are great life partners.
We both are passionate about what we believe, love family (we have 7 kids between us) and have fun in most things we do.
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Brooklyn Children’s Museum on a rainy weekend morning is a wild vibe. Cultural capital everywhere. Unorthodox parenting styles. Moms and dads trying to get fits off — but for whom? If these walls could talk…
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I know I’ve posted before about the squirrels of Ann Arbor, but these things are insane. This one — completely representative — is about the size of a terrier and is so huge it can barely climb the tree
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4/ Then, we couldn’t believe our eyes. We’re in our late 30s, and we were, by far, the youngest people in the club (other than the staff.) By a long shot. Everyone seemed to be over 65.
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At Northwestern it was more like “come use the pool at my family’s country club in Winnetka.” Still nice, not the same
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We don’t have to pretend like Europeans know about anything except luxury marketing and I guess viticulture
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I’m going to be honest, I keep it pretty tight for a 38 year old father of a 3 year old and a 1 year old, but I looked like shit in a Euro “M” speedo. Terrible experience
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Just walked through Dimes Square with my wife. Legitimately has the energy of downtown Bethesda
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3/ As we pushed open the door, at first we couldn’t believe our ears. It was primitive garage rock, played fast, hard, and loud. Great, great band.
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I was watching "Tangled" with my 4-year-old last night, and when the "unpopular opinion swords" shot happened — which I did not know was from "Tangled," and so was utterly unprepared for — I dissociated for a good thirty seconds
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Incredible French pool guidance ensuring no one wears a bathing suit that is too modest
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Last month, I set out to figure out what "dad culture" is today. Does it even still exist?
With the help of dozens of millennial fathers, I present my findings:
The New Dad Canon.
nytimes.com/interactive/2023…
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2/ It was freezing outside. We could hear something faint but insistent coming from a club around the corner, something with bass and drums, something in 4/4 time. We decided to wait for the Uber inside.
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According to a referee at Mark Zuckerberg’s first Brazilian jiu jitsu tournament, the Meta boss was choked unconscious nytimes.com/2023/06/02/style…
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The shocked reactions to the fact that there are coke delivery services makes me think a lot of people have been living under the assumption that New Yorkers get designer drugs by like, going up to guys in trenchcoats on the street wsj.com/articles/fentanyl-co…
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I have to say, the process under which a British PM steps down, which seems to be some magical sequence of scandal, defeat, momentum, shame and exhaustion, is basically impossible to understand as an American
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New from me: Have you wondered how a devoutly religious Dagestani man with dwarfism became one of the biggest stars on the internet? Wonder no more! Presenting, at just over three feet, Hasbulla: nytimes.com/2023/04/28/style…
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It's so weird to be a professional writer at the end of the era in which people made meaning of the world through well organized thoughts expressed as words lol
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I don't know how we got here, as a culture. I mean in some ways I do. But there is an entire generation of men who think that the key to romantic and sexual success is going from reasonably fit to grotesquely fit. Literally just get better at talking. It's so much easier.
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Years ago, when I covered the "alt-right,' Laura Loomer asked me to meet to show me some secret documents. She obviously had no such thing — I worried she might be taping me — but I was fascinated by how much she talked about her upcoming rhinoplasty. Probably 50% of the chat.
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My mother in law’s theory is that men wear bathing suits with pockets around town and then straight into the pool, so it’s sanitary
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-No gaming with men
-No referring to my job as “The women’s section of the New York Times”
-No boundaryless relationships at the playground
-No Park Slope Food Co-Op shifts with Ben Lerner or any other autofiction pioneers
-No pictures on Instagram where I look tired
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Europe expert here (married to a Swiss) so I’ve thought a lot about its qualities vis a vis the US.
While everything is technically “much better” and “higher quality” there, it’s also a huge joke continent full of smug clowns. Hope this helps.
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It’s probably good that the future of mental health is buying ketamine off a guy in a Wu Tang shirt over Instagram
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In the heyday of BuzzFeed News, I would already be on a plane to Kuala Lumpur (economy plus) for a 10,000 word meditation on the life and times of Ian Miles Cheong
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Hey: I'm not saying this is good or bad. I'm just describing something that was real, something that happened.
Also:
I like coffee and I like tea
I'd like to be able to enter a final plea
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I took the full adult dose of NyQuil last night and had one of the most intense drug experiences of my life
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There’s a dad at the playground who is a bigger guy, and his whole parenting strategy seems to be pratfalls, having his pants fall down, sweating a ton and yelling stuff like “whoopsie poopsie.” His kids are dying of laughter. This is an elite fathering style.
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