Bart.
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2 year old already showing signs of minimalism and abstraction. Gotta beat this out of him.
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Every new restaurant for like 6 years now:
Natural wine + pizza + rigatoni that’s spicy
4-5 shareable plates + smoked Negroni that’s disgusting
A millennial steak house but there’s wacky wallpaper and a cuss word on the menu
Fast casual spicy chicken “sando” + canned beer
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I make these little pasty swans every year for the valentines menu even tho they’re extremely corny and unnecessary
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my opinion of every man is based on work ethic and my opinion of every woman is based on looks.
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The last step when I’m interviewing a chef candidate is they cook me and the boys a three course meal. Today I had the best one I’ve ever had. Sweetbreads. Tortellini. Thai ice tea ice cream with milk skins.
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I really don’t think your scissors be gliding through the wrapping paper like that big dawg
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I think she has a different perfume for going to bed than she does for going out for the day. And then a completely diff one she leaves at my house?
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If the Michelin guide had anything to do with actual luxury it would just be a list of diners that let you smoke inside
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Always have a “guy” a produce guy, a roofing guy, a cheese guy, a door guy, a mushroom guy, a truffle guy, a permit guy, a “yea I’ll get you a deal on that” guy
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There’s a lot of hoopla about us being the conservative hang out in town. But we’re averaging less than one proposal of marriage a month. Which feels like a failure.
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A guy left me a bad review on Yelp and I had his home address within 30 mins. So just think about that
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Things that are all exactly the same to me:
Buc-ee’s. Savanah Bananas. Double stacked 1911s. Alt country made after 2015. MAGA hats that arnt red. Black stone grills. Ted Lasso. David Bars. Velo nicotine pouches. Light beers that are basically miller light but named like “dad beer” or afternoon sipper or whatever
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Koji dry aged strip. Lobster oil poached chanterelles. Iberico lardo. Grilled figs. Black garlic jus.
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Being featured in the New York Times feels surreal.
On Butterworth’s, Caviar, Raheem, Bannon and my attempt to teach people how to eat:
nytimes.com/2025/06/02/magaz…
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I think when most of you get to hell it will be explained to you that you treated love as if it was some tiny little corner of the free market.
I could write a book about this. Landing a Prestigious Girlfriend and turning her into a Prestigious Wife is a mindset, call it Joe Bernstein Thought. If you follow my precepts, you will succeed. The benefits don’t even stop once you’re married. It’s a gestalt of sly excellence.
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To the dumb bitch who just demanded an egg white omelette with a side of hollandaise (made of egg yolk) and a side of aioli (made of egg yolks) FUCKing KYS
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V day dishes. On the left is a lobster dish. I cooked fregula pasta in squid ink and served it in a caviar tin. Stole it from a famous 80’s dc chef. It’s so cool to me.
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girl_from_the_midwest_now_in_a_small_city: just checked my watch data from last weekend’s nyc trip, pretty sure I was the most fertile girl in clando’s on Saturday 💅
iPhoneHealthAppScreenshot.jpg
Apple is planning new watch features to track blood pressure, as well as temperature to help with fertility planning, people familiar with the matter say on.wsj.com/3kI7gzX
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Just saw a very old man in Levi’s that looked 40 years old a cashmere sweater that look like it cost 10k and some loafers so worn out they had to have holes in the bottom. Wasp excellence
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The use of any cheese except American on a burger is a perversion.
It’s a sign that you’re eating them too often. You lack proper reverence. Your need for novelty is disgusting.
Maybe the planets most perfect food. And you look at it and say “do a new trick for me.” Filth
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Oh I’m being a jerk? You try opening a massive decadent French disco after 3 years of every new restaurant concept being a shithole that serves spicy chicken sandwiches
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2022 thus far: got married, opening two new restaurants, having my first son. The rest of my life should be relatively chill
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Brunch is one those things where it like pays the bills. But I hate every single government employee desk monkey email job loser that walks in and pays 25 bucks for eggs and leftovers
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Oh she didn’t give you a French restaurant menu from 1963 including the handwritten specials for the weekend? Ngmi
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JUST PASSED HEALTH INSPECTION ON THE FIRST TRY IM A 150 YEAR OLD BUILDING ABSOLUTLEY SUCK MY FUCKING DICK LETS GOOOO
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In regards to reading lists. If for some reason you committed 2023 to becoming a good cook these are the books I would suggest. Read them cover to cover like novels and cook a few recipes. You’ll wake up in 2024 with a set of decent techniques and an appreciation for real food.
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Jim Beam from 1974 with a lead paint replica Frederic Remington’s “The Cowboy” big grail moment
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Roasted half pheasant special for tonight. Inspired by “Poulet en demi deuli” or “chicken in half mourning” you slide so many truffles under its skin that the bird turns black
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Saw the sopranos movie in theater. I liked the part where he woke up in the morning and got himself a gun
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Have opened 4 restaurants in dc now and these photos are exactly the transformation I’ve under taken during each one
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Really hard to turn down consultant money but then you see the art they choose for their restaurant and think about killing yourself
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No rich people at brunch. No poor people at brunch. too busy partying on a Friday night. Just the middle class target furniture crowd. So neutered by their empty ambition to imagine something more fun than having two mimosas at 1 pm then going home to use an apple product.
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Two scallop dishes tonight bc they’re having an incredible season rn. Raw with green strawberry and cooked with king oyster mushroom.
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It’s the great tragedy of my life that I’m not an old west cowboy writing poems about the one woman I saw 3 years ago in a border town. Remembering fondly the damp peach fuzz on the back of her soft thighs.
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