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[last night]
My dad: If you wake up before us, hit the bold button and then the brew button to make coffee.
Me: Ok, got it.
My dad: I can show you
Me: Really, I got it. I have the same machine at home.
[this morning]
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My 3yo didnāt want asparagus but she loved the āasparagus friesā that were justā¦asparagus.
It's all about the marketing.
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My 3yo watched Frozen while she was home for a snow day and said to me shortly after, āYou canāt marry a man you just metā so letās give a big round of applause to Disney for handling this important life lesson
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*at bedtime*
Me: letās girl talk
3: whatās that?
Me: when girls talk. What should we talk about?
3: corn on the cob
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My 4yo wanted to show me how sheād put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOUāRE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
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My 3yo was home for a snow day and I was in a meeting on Zoom. My 3yo started yelling at my boss, āStop talking over my Mommy! Listen to my Mommy!ā
He actually wasnāt talking over me and thankfully I was on mute but DAMN does this girl have my back
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I told my parents my 3yo cried the other night because we werenāt having steak for dinner so naturally my dad was making steak at 10:30 this morning when we got to their house
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We had a strict no-running-in-the-house policy when I was a kid so can someone please explain to me why my parents are chasing my kids around their house
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When I asked my 3yo if she wanted to go see Santa this weekend, she suggested we call or text him instead and I'm here for it
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My husband does this cute thing where he asks me where to find things, like heās new here.
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My coworker said he goes to sleep at midnight and my other coworker said, Wow thatās late! He said he yeah, he just doesnāt need much sleep.
I asked him what time he wakes up. He said 7.
Somehow on just 7 hours of consecutive sleep each night, he manages.
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When I told my 4yo I was exhausted and asked if we could skip reading books at bedtime, she suggested I read her 3 books instead of the usual 4.
I think sheās ready for upper management now
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My 4yo tonight while I was folding laundry: this house has everything! Food, clothes, a TV, toys, dishes, a couch, drawers, windows, doors, my bed. I love it here!
I promise this house is nothing fancy, but what perspective š«¶
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I keep falling asleep while pretending to fall asleep to get my kid to fall asleep, and Iām starting to think my bedtime should also be 8:30
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My dad asked my 3yo if she wanted to see the turkey and I guess I should have prepared her because she expected it to be alive and have feathers
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Last weekend I took my kids to their first theme park. The logistics, money, hauling of all the things, linesā¦all ok because I wanted to do something special for them.
I also took them to a playground.
Then, because I must hate myself, I asked them which they liked better.
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*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
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Last night I told my 4yo if we went to sleep, we could hang out all night in āDreamland.ā This morning she told me she saw me in Dreamland and rehashed everything we did. Tonight she was so excited to meet up again in Dreamland.
Did I just figure out this bedtime thing?
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When my parents and my kids FaceTime, my kids wonāt answer my parentsā questions so I repeat their questions to my kids. Then my parents canāt understand what my kids say so I repeat their answers to my parents. A great time is had by all.
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My coworker told me sheās doing a turkey trot with her in-laws and I thought Oh, youāre one of those families? And then I realized I said that out loud
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Tonight for amateur hour I let my 3yo walk into the living room holding a cherry smoothie in a plastic wine glass and it ended just as anyone would have guessed
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The only thing more draining than having your kid home sick is having your husband home sick.
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My parents thanked me for letting my 3yo spend the weekend with them and emphasized it was the best weekend theyāve had all year
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My 4yo was rage cleaning and saying NO ONE IS HELPING ME so I told her if ever sheās cleaning, no one is helping and sheās starting to feel angry, JUST STOP CLEANING and actually I think Iāll start taking my own advice
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I went into a physical store and bought the same sweaters in 3 different colors.
My transition into my mom is now complete.
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3: I want a pair of shoes like yours
Me: how about you ask Santa?!
3: how about we just order them now
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A Christmas miracle but itās my husband finally getting an iPhone after a decade of ruining group texts
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My toddler is going through his āMINE!ā phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying āNo! NO! Mine!!ā and itās the first time in a while Iāve had two guys competing for my love
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My 4yo spent the night with my parents last night. My mom asked her what her bedtime is. She looked my mom dead in the eye and said seriously with zero hesitation, 10:30
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What am I supposed to do if my kid gets a rash before I have access to my Facebook Moms group? Call a doctor or something?
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One of my favorite things about my husband doing our toddlerās bedtime is that he makes up outrageous plot twists as he reads my 1yoās books and my 1yo is just hanging onto every word
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I absentmindedly sang āItās me, hiā and my 4yo chimed in āIām the problem, itās meā so my work here is done.
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I showed my 4yo a picture of me standing in front of the Eiffel Tower, and now every time we drive by an electrical tower on the highway she says LOOK MOMMY THE EIFFEL TOWER!!
I think Iāll wait a while before budgeting our first family trip to Europe
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Cleaning out junk drawers and cabinets is the most thankless type of cleaning because when youāre finished, everything around you looks the same
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It was a fairly ordinary bedtime with my 4yo until I heard myself tell her āWhen I was a little girl, phones were attached to walls with a cordā and now Iām gonna need a minute
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I said we were having eggs for dinner but it turns out my 1yoās excitement was because he thought we were having chocolate eggs for dinner and Iām hopeful one day he can forgive me
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One of my favorite things to do at my in-laws is telling everyone that my 1 yo wonāt nap away from home unless heās sleeping on me. Then I get him to nap in his pack-and-play and spend an hour alone in the dark scrolling on my phone.
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3: can I try your seltzer?
Me: I donāt think youāll like it
3: pour me a small cup
Me: *pours into cup*
3: thatās too much
Me: *pours some out*
3: thatās not enough
Me: are you going to try it
3: no
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Iām just a mom, standing in front of a toddler, asking him to accept a broken cracker
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Since becoming a toddler mom, I deeply regret the purchase of every purely decorative object on display in my house
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Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didnāt
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
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Not saying they donāt make them like they used to but the flashlight I bought for my daughter a year ago broke and now sheās using the flashlight I got for summer camp when I was 6 years old
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My 1yo has started singing the ABCs. By that I actually mean he sings EFG, over and over. So he is singing his EFGs. With the occasional ELEMINO P.
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My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma
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My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney sheād turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
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Today was a big day for my sister-in-law who announced that sheās pregnant, but also a big day for me because now Iāll be clearing out 68 tons of baby gear from my basement and gaining 583 square feet of living space.
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The Ghost of Christmas Past but itās my high school boyfriend telling me he loves me through the soundbox of a Build-a-Bear my kid brought home from Grandmaās house
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I just said āGrandpa and Grandmaā instead of āGrandma and Grandpaā and it feels like a betrayal
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My 3yo says Grandma and Grandpa live in a crack house (because their ceiling has some cracks) and I can't see any way this could get misconstrued
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Not to brag but I donāt have to set the clock in my car forward an hour because I never set it back
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When you become a mom you magically gain the ability to put your hand on someoneās forehead and know with confidence whether they have a fever.
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Me: why is it so hard to get my kids out the door on time every morning
Also me, reflecting on my record of getting just myself out the door on time every morning: *oh*
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After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too
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I slipped on a banana peel that my toddler left on the kitchen floor and I thought this only happened in cartoons
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My parents are married and live together but my toddler has already figured out itās āGrandmaās houseā
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My 3yo asked for a hard boiled egg so I gave her a hard boiled egg and now sheās sobbing while holding a hard boiled egg because she says itās not a hard boiled egg and that is reason 4859492727 why age 3 is the best age.
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My 3yo is turning 4 soon, and said sheās a little scared to turn 4 because itās scary to be something youāve never been before.
Leave it to a preschooler to accidentally be so profound
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Me as a new parent: my baby will not eat off the floor
Me as a seasoned parent: when the toddler knocks over a full carton of organic raspberries, the whole family is eating off the floor
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When I asked my 3yo if she had a good day today, she said āYes Mommy! I didn't bite anybody, I didn't kick anybody, I didn't scratch anybody!ā Using this logic, I hope you can say you had a good day, too.
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Forget about folding a fitted sheet. The fitted sheetās most toxic trait is when a pillowcase gets stuck in its corner and you realize when making your bed late at night that your pillowcase is damp
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My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I'm the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
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My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
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When my 3 yo cries, it upsets my 1 yo and he starts crying too. Then my 3 yo gets more upset and screams āItās my turn to cry!ā but actually if weāre taking turns, I think Iām up?
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Iāve been trying to teach my 3yo how to make friends by introducing her to other children and she one-upped me by introducing me to another mom at daycare drop-off and inviting them to our house.
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My toddlerās toxic trait is using his extroverted charm to engage his introverted mother in conversations with strangers every time we leave the house.
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*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
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Me before kids: feeling accomplished for cleaning the house
Me after kids: feeling accomplished for every second I exist in a chaotic, messy house and don't lose my shit
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I sent my 1yo to daycare today in jeans because all of his soft pants are dirty and now Iām just picturing the poor little guy sitting there wondering where he went wrong
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My mom didn't get in the pool with us growing up, but my childrenās grandma is a full-blown mermaid complete with gills, shimmering scales and a tail who plays with them in the water all day.
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Today I drove the speed limit for the first time because both kids were napping and I didn't want it to end.
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Daycare calls to say your child has an āalmost-fever.ā
If you pick her up now youāll miss 2 hrs of work, but she can go back tmrw. If the almost-fever becomes a technical fever then she will be banned tomorrow even if sheās feeling better.
Welcome to parenting game theory
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Iām supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
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I went to the gym yesterday for the first time since my daughter was born 4 years ago, and Iād forgotten that working out is basically just counting from 1 to 10 over and over until itās time to go home
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My toddler gave a warm welcome to my husbandās twin brother this weekend. And by warm welcome I mean he called him Daddy.
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My brother-in-law, who has no children, asked my husband and I what we do for fun. We looked at each other and laughed and laughed and cried.
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Since kids keep you young I dropped mine with their grandparents for the day to help them out
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If you end up drinking your coffee room temp regardless of whether it started out hot or iced, you might be a mom.
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My toddlerās daycare teacher went home sick with a high fever so excuse me while I plan for an illness to circulate through the house one family member at a time for the next 3 weeks
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I donāt want to get my kids cell phones too early but also it would be amazing if I could text my 4yo at the end of the day to ask her if she still wants to be picked up in the stroller or if she will refuse to sit in it and have to be carried all the way home
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I asked my 3yo what she was thankful for, expecting something silly. Instead she told me sheās thankful when she can give something to someone who lost something.
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Everyone always tries to get out of jury duty but I went this week and
1. Work understood I could not work
2. I couldnāt clean because I wasnāt home
3. Nobody talked to me and
4. I READ A BOOK
Highly recommend doing your civic duty
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My daughter calls out my husbandās first name and tells him to do things and I just wonder where she learned to speak to her father that way
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The need for winter coats and seasonal allergy meds should not be allowed to coexist but here we are
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3: When I grow up I want a baby in my belly.
Me: Youād be such a good mommy. Can I help you with your baby?
3: No. Itās MY baby and I will take care of it. Not you.
Me: **but can I get this in writing**
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I took the day off work, sent the kids in to daycare and cleaned out the fridge and pantry so yeah, my life as a mom is lit
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I developed a few unexpected skills since becoming a parent, like flipping light switches with my face.
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My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they wonāt be in Paris.
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3: next Christmas I want an Dora purse from Santa
Me: your birthday is next month, how about Mommy and Daddy get you a Dora purse?!
3: I WANT IT FROM SANTA
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Kid math is setting the clocks back one hour but waking your parents up 2.5 hours earlier than usual
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My husband and I play this fun game where we ask our toddler who he wants to change his diaper and both hope he chooses the other one.
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My 1yo has started saying āall doneā when heās done hugging and wants to be put down and I love that thereās no confusion about the right time to let go
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