They have the Internet on computers, now? --Homer Simpson
The Whale's V
- Tweets 2,810
- Following 1,499
- Followers 1,131
- Likes 202
Pinned Tweet
I want to remind everybody that I'm just a random dude who tweets dad jokes. Direct your ecoli tweets to @chipotletweets
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Just wanted to thank @hoodcertified for my hilarious twitter feed this morning. #awesome
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@HillaryClinton Not sure the compliment is warranted, but thank you.
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Just burned 2000 calories. Leaving brownies in the oven while I napped was probably a mistake.
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Since @Chipotletweets released their guacamole recipe, I feel obligated to give away my recipe for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
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WTF!
How the hell am I supposed to do this? Way too much work - I need to take a nap after I make myself a sandwich.
New line of @Chipotle bowls, which will be available exclusively online and through the mobile app, consists of the Paleo Salad Bowl, the Keto Salad Bowl, the Whole30 Salad Bowl and the Double Protein Bowl — sharing the namesakes of several popular diets. usatoday.com/story/money/201…
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Hang in there, making pottery on a wheel is hard. With a little more practice your bowls will rock!
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This is a great as far as it goes, but it's missing an important item - adobo blush. (an essential part of my morning routine).
#REVEALED 🚨Caliente !!! 🔥🌶🙀 NEW! Collab @elfcosmetics X @chipotle 🥑 includes:
🌶️Chipotle Eyeshadow Palette, $16
🌶️Make it Hot Lip Gloss, $8
🌶️Extra Guac Face Sponge Set, $10
🌶 Makeup Bag $18
🌶 Full Collection $52
Online ➡️ MARCH 10TH
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The marketing team over at @chipotletweets needs a little help with their tagging strategy.
So excited to be a part of Team Chipotle! Check out my Unwrapped episode to see why I love the challenges this sport brings…and why great food and tasty chips make me happy and help me power through training twice a day! 🌮🥑🥗 What’s your @chipotle order? #chipotlepartner
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Hey @wtmkevin what if i wore a cute sundress and put on a little makeup?
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Yep, Miley and Brandi Carlile are both musical chameleons. piped.video/watch?v=X_vdiP7G…
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So, were those that accused the women in Salem of being witches "the right" or "the left"? Just trying to figure out who started this.
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Al lives next door and is a good dude
Hey @chipotle, I don’t know who this Pastor Al guy is, but his chicken is delicious!
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@TheyCallMeAzul A lot, but since this is Twitter and not real life I don't mind.
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Yikes! Thanks for the feedback. I'll try do better next time.
This the second time I’ve gotten @chipotle and been highly disappointed
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Hey everybody, it's not like I don't like all the attention, but you should probably direct your anger, sarcasm and jokes to @chipotletweets
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In reality, I'm horizontal on the couch eating Cocoa Puffs, but for the Twitterverse let's go with teaching refugee children English.
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Crap! The guac I made this morning is already brown. I'm screwed.
Tomorrow is #NationalAvocadoDay and @Chipotle is giving out free #guacamole. Here’s how to get your hands on the green: genius.kitchen/2NVKYsw
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I wish to welcome all my new Twitter followers. I'm sure you'll find the tweets of some random old dude funny yet informative.
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Guessing my orange check mark means that my jokes are certified fresh. #thanksElon
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That's a nice thing to say, but a word of warning - my nightly bagpipe lessons begin next week.
Living so close to @chipotle is the best thing that has happened throughout 2020
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Are you sure? I'm not much of a cook, but I guess I could pick up some mini-quiches at Costco
Hey @chipotle, I'm having you cater my wedding, can you hook a girl up?
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Thanks, but elite is a stretch. I'm solidly mediocre on a good day
I really don’t understand da @chipotle slander I hear from folks
Dey always have been & always will be elite
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Sorry, but that was the I can do
I experienced my first @Chipotle today... it was a meh experience 🤷🏾♀️
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But Amanda, is bank worth losing the attention of people who refer to me as 'my dude'? I think not.
(also note: I'm not very smart)
But like my dude Chip, you could make bank selling this handle ._. @Chipotle
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Celebrity Card??
.@chipotle got me right for the new season and 1st game tonight with a fresh Celebrity Card and my own custom robe ☘️#sponsored
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And, farewell to my new Twitter (un)followers who just left. Evidently my last tweet was neither funny or informative.
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Evidently I've been tagged here to mediate this dispute and to render a judgement. I am currently reviewing the evidence and will announce my decision shortly.
3 meals a day at $20 apiece is living large? Or is it just eating at the tournament course you’re at because there’s not fresh produce for 35 miles and the only fast food is White Castle?
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Clearing out my closet to meet the demand. Unfortunately, the well worn cargo shorts have sold out
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OK, but a word of warning. After a year in lock down I'm not exactly fastidious about my personal hygiene
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@LandonAustin While it is true that I am delicious, it is also true that i am already spoken for.
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Never going to happen. Letterman doesn't want to answer any #metoo questions.
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Fact check: True (I thought about changing my handle to @dyson but it was already taken.
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Evidently the surgeon general's warningI I have tattoo'd on my arm is not effective. More preventative measures will be rolled out soon.
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I'm really sorry, I truly didn't know how hard it is to walk and chew gum at the same time.
@chipotle I am highly dissapointed in the stuff you pulled today. ridiculous
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No worries. My burritos are made with quinoa and cottage cheese.
Kinda wanna look hot in a bikini, kinda wanna eat 3 burritos from @Chipotle, kinda pissed that I have to pick one.
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So, what happened to individual sacrifice for the common good? Do we want this to happen again? texastribune.org/2021/08/23/…
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