Now: Co-founder @hellopatient | Previously: Led consumer and growth product @carbonhealth | Hobbies include getting fired constantly | Mostly satire
Austin, TX
- Tweets 39,884
- Following 1,093
- Followers 229,747
- Likes 123,866
Pinned Tweet
Excited to share that we've raised a $22.5m Series A for Hello Patient, led by Scale Venture Partners.
This is by far the worst announcement video I've ever made.
I can't believe our lead investor agreed to this
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I was laid off from Twitter this afternoon. I was in charge of managing badge access to Twitter offices.
Elon just called me and asked if I could come back to help them regain access to HQ as they shut off all badges and accidentally locked themselves out.
Community note
While a number of people in the replies are taking this literally, this is a joke.
Just a few days earlier, this same user claimed to have been laid off by a different company:
nitter.app/anothercohen/s
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This is inside the Sphere in Las Vegas.
This may be the most insane concert venue ever built
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This is your periodic reminder that hotels are incredibly superior to Airbnbs
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I was fired from Astronomer today. I ran our company’s events team.
Turns out our CEO and Head of HR were having an affair and got caught at the Coldplay concert that I bought the company tickets to.
They blamed me for getting caught and fired me on the spot.
Taking some time to reflect and will start looking for jobs soon!
Community note
This is an ad for the author’s company. He was not employed at Astronomer.
nitter.app/alecabralsocia…
linkedin.com/in/alexander-c
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Still incredible to me that LinkedIn doesn’t add any verification to prove you work or previously worked at a company.
You can literally just say you worked anywhere
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If you’re more angry that a handful of 22 year old software engineers are writing code to uncover fraudulent government spending than at the people who are fraudulently spending your hard earned taxes, it’s time to do some soul searching
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I don’t understand how people wake up at 4 or 5 to start their days. Do they just go to sleep at 8?
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I was laid off from Twitter today. I was the designer in charge of our new rebranding to X.
I learned so much in my 2.5 weeks at the company but I’m excited to see where I land next.
If you’re hiring a self taught, junior designer please DM me. Graphic design is my passion!
Community note
This tweet, while an obvious joke, was stolen from a different account and edited slightly to appear as if it were the author’s own attempt at humor. The original poster directly addresses the act.
nitter.app/anothercohen/s
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Fuck it, here are the best Stephen Hawking Epstein Island memes of the last 24 hours:
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Raw dogging work today.
- No internet
- No laptop
- No meetings
Just 8 hours of staring at blank monitors until my boss says something
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Waffle House has a Storm Center with an entire operations team that is so good at their job they assist FEMA during hurricanes.
The European mind cannot comprehend this
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I’m just now realizing that Elon may not know what Figma is and thinks this is a Ligma-esque joke
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Fellas, is it unethical to be honest?
I find it distasteful, almost unethical, to say this when you have 18 million subscribers.
Hard to explain why, but with great reach comes great responsibility. Potentially killing someone else’s nascent project reeks of carelessness.
First, do no harm.
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“Just checking in to see if you’ve completed your Coldplay Concert module yet”
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At 29, my net worth is $25m. Here's how I got there:
* Saved $500k from my job over 8 years
* Saved $250k from my side hustles
* Bought $1.25m in highly leveraged real estate
* Received a $23m gift from my parents when I turned 18
Follow me for more personal finance advice
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This is one of the software engineers working with Elon Musk on DOGE to reduce our country's excessive spending problem.
Unfathomably based
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I'm not going to lie, this is the most entertaining exit interview I've ever witnessed
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Toured a home in Austin this weekend.
Buyers paid $1.2m during peak insanity. Tried to immediately flip the home for $1.4m.
It's now been on the market for 18 months and they've dropped it below $900k.
You love to see it
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Someone please explain to me why police officers get to drive $60k blacked out Tahoes while the mail guy has to drive around in a 30 year old truck that gets 9mpg and has no airbags or air conditioning
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This is what it’s like bringing your engineers to a client meeting
Frank Luntz
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SinnamonSCouture
Arthouse Shawn Levy
This guy is incredible.
He spends his whole day getting ready for the next day.
Iconic
Ashton Hall
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Squatters rights might be the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard of.
If someone is illegally living in your property you should be able to shoot them or have them arrested.
This whole “file a formal eviction and go through expensive legal proceedings” is anti American
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Boeing testing a new plane before determining that it’s safe to put in production
dude
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Who is the genius at Zoom who thought it would be a good idea to force an update right as you join a meeting?
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I’m not convinced that a single UI designer works at any of the major car brands.
They all look like they were shipped by engineers without any design involvement
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Absolutely based video. Someone should hire this chick.
> Cares about her work
> Can read bullshit
> Isn’t afraid to tell it like it is
Recording is questionable but she’s prob never been fired before and I would have done something equally as stupid
SMB Attorney
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@CaseyNewton I’m available if you’d like to do a story on this
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Being trapped 13k feet below sea level in a metal tube, in pitch black water, knowing exactly how much air you have left, unable to navigate your way back to the surface on your own, sounds like literal nightmare fuel
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Microsoft Teams is an abomination of a product.
The only reason companies use it is because it's included with an Office 365 subscription.
I'm not convinced that even a single designer ever worked on it
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I don’t want to ride public transit with violent people
And we've already seen the transformative impacts of eliminating the fare when we won and implemented a historic fare free bus pilot on one line in each borough.
Ridership went up. Assaults on operators went down. And people saved money. thenation.com/article/societ…
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I just paid $1k to install a new pool at one of my condos and was able to increase the rent $300/mo.
I love that the family is already enjoying their new amenity!
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Men will make $300k/year as FAANG software engineers and their apartments will still look like this
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I don’t think people without kids understand just how much free time they have
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I mean this sincerely when I say that ChatGPT might be the most incredible tech to emerge in the last decade.
Here's how I got it to create a weight loss plan, complete with calorie targets, meal plans, a grocery list, and workout plan 🧵:
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European founders after showing up to the office at 10 and finishing up emails by 2
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Personally, I love these tariffs.
Higher prices means I have to spend more of my hard earned money and that’s only going to make grind harder.
I’m just built different
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While we’re at it and undoing things from the past few years, can we finally get rid of the pregnant man emoji?
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It’s obvious he did all middle management work from that exchange but I personally would not put an ex employee on blast and force them to prove their worth in front of 100m+ people
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Once again I would like to remind everyone that the product manager at Zoom who decided that users should be forced to update before joining a meeting should be fired.
I am now 2 minutes late
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There is “I fucked up”
And there is “I built an app and accidentally leaked the drivers licenses of thousands of women on the internet” level of fucked up
RIP
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I was laid off from Lyft today. I was the Director of Finance in charge of reporting our margin expansion in our earnings release.
I accidentally wrote 500 basis points when I meant to write 50 and our stock tanked after we issued the correction.
Working at Lyft has been the most exciting first job to have after taking only one finance class in college and graduating this past Fall.
Time for some rest and relaxation and excited for what comes next!
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If you didn't do enough diligence to notice that I left "came in fluffer" in my fundraising chart and then included it in your weekly email, you should probably not be a VC
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I was laid off from OpenAI today along with my boss Sam.
I was the person in charge of putting together the presentations for our board meetings.
No one has told me why I was let go but Sam texted me “wtf” and next thing I know my Slack and Gmail were disabled.
I’m now looking for a new role, so if you’re hiring for investor relations, my DMs are open!
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We don't talk enough about the incredible rise of menswear Twitter guy to Tier 1 shitposter
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The fresh MBA grad who just landed a job at McKinsey arriving at your company’s office to present a pitch deck he copied and pasted recommending that your company should simply generate more revenue and cut expenses
49ers on NBCS
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Me when I’ve given my toddler 17 chances to go up to his room and get ready for bedtime
Sam
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Crypto Made Fun Global
I don't know a single person who works in tech and hasn't seriously thought about quitting and opening up a coffee shop in a small town in the middle of nowhere
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If you think you're idea is too dumb to work, just remember that Scrub Daddy, a sponge in the shape of a face, does $670m in annual sales
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I'm coming around to the idea that renting is a better financial decision than buying.
Exceptions being if you plan to actually stay in a home for 15+ years or you're buying ultra high end
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I was fired from Meta today. I created the policy that provided tampons in all the men's restrooms.
I was shocked to see my role eliminated as part of the DEI cuts. The work I was doing was so crucial for our company culture.
I know I'll land on my feet after this and come back stronger.
Onwards!
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