Photo by @andyholl
- Tweets 1,469
- Following 886
- Followers 760,395
- Likes 1,087
I idolised Sean as a comic long before I became a comedian myself and ten years working alongside him didn’t diminish that in the least. An incredible comic brain and a truly unique voice.
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Watching Sean's last ep of Countdown I can see how upset I was knowing he was ill and how much that affected my performance, while Sean himself continued to be effortlessly hilarious. A true comic to the end. That's why he's trending on twitter and why he's so missed.
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I’m devastated for his family today and sad for comedy that we have lost one of the very best.
Undisputed, undefeated, carrot in a box champion. I will miss him.
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The threat of a yellow card doesn’t stop players diving, fouling or abusing referees but it has stopped them showing solidarity with those who are threatened with death for being in love. What an absolute fucking farce.
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Very odd that the only time we ever saw him look happy in his job was at the Queen’s funeral.
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Massive thanks to everyone who voted for Cats Does Countdown at the Comedy Awards. That one is for Sean, without whom the show would have had a fraction of the comedy it had and much more maths.
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Getting a little compliment like this, albeit from a train station platform information sign, can really give a boost to your day. Thanks Preston, I do what I can with what I have.
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The crippling fear of those white men that equality for all means less for them is a blatant confession that the current system is unfair. They’ve demonstrated perfectly why we need drastic change and how important it is to reject the world they want to live in.
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What a treat and a privilege that was to watch. Thank goodness for sport in a messed up world and thank goodness for Emma Raducanu. Absolutely superb.
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You’ve probably seen this in the news but today is set to be a record breaking day. I’m planning to set a world record for most loads of washing dried outside in Britain. Record is currently two, I’m going for FOUR. Wish me luck and a slight breeze.
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I know SHE wants to eat HIM, but to be clear, the red M&M believes he’s going to have full sex with the woman while the yellow one watches from the wardrobe?
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I can’t bring myself to believe that this has just happened, my heart is pounding. I’m not going to be able to stop thinking about this. Can it be proven once and for all that he said it so I can work out what to do next?
Tulip Sadiq asks the prime minister about the welfare of 200 unaccompanied migrant children who’ve gone missing.
Tory MP Jonathan Gullis heckles ‘well they shouldn’t have come here illegally’.
Just when you think you’ve heard it all, the Tory Party find a new low
#PMQs
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You know Christmas is on the way when any song you ever loved morphs into a breathy, slow piano sack of shit to make consumerism seem cute.
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A truly appalling Home Secretary. A government who genuinely do not believe they are responsible for a situation in which 4/10 children in a region are born into poverty. Please take this to the ballot and join me in hoping this woman is searching for employment on Dec 13th.
Home Secretary Priti Patel tells @NinaWarhurst that high levels of poverty can't be blamed solely on the government. She was visiting Barrow-in-Furness where, according to @CumbriaCC , central wards of the town are some of the most deprived in the country.
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It’s important to take an interest in politics and to voice your anger when you feel it. That said, sometimes it’s more important to turn your phone off, order a pizza, open a bottle of something before 11am, watch Home Alone 1&2 and not get dressed.
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Finally M&S confirm the correct dress code for a game of seaside-giggle-touch rugby with the lads. Smart casual, as we all suspected.
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Just sat my family down and with NOTHING BUT LOVE IN MY HEART asked them to begin the process of reapplying for permission to stay in the house for 2019. The figures do not look good for the 2 year old I’m afraid, definitely not a “net contributor”.
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Huge thanks to everyone who has messaged today to ask if I am the recently convicted ‘Wimbledon Prowler’. My patch has always been Surbiton/Tolworth and I remain very much at large.
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A group of people made a decision which was deemed, on closer inspection, not to be in the best interest of the majority, and was thus overturned. Leeds United is officially better run than the country. How on earth has this happened?
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Susie is asking if you’ll step away from outside her dressing room now, Gary. We’re supposed to be starting a show soon and she’s scared to come out because you keep just shouting your favourite words from the dictionary.
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I'm so sorry. I've never felt an atmosphere like the one at the Rob Burrow Strictly Ball. Such overwhelming love in the room. It was an honour to perform for this incredible man and his amazing family and I hope that love is reaching them today.
It is with deep sadness that the club can confirm that former player Rob Burrow CBE has passed away, aged 41.
More here therhinos.co.uk/article/2042…
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LEEDS AREN’T FALLING APART AGAIN! GRACIAS MARCELO! VAMOS LEEDS CARAJO! WE ARE BACK! BOOZEBOOZEBOOOOOOZE!!! 💙💛💙💛💙💛💙💛💙💛
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First and last lockdown haircut courtesy of @LucyABeaumont Usually costs me £8, today only cost me my marriage. Great work mate. Cheers. Thanks. Fantastic. Really pleased with it.
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Can anyone legal help with this? I have been operating as a male stripper under this alias for a number of years and believe this company has infringed my copyright. Where do I go from here?
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“If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it three times.”
Phil Neville, clearly a man who refuses to exaggerate. I respect that.
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It didn’t come down to this game or the last five or six. This has been a relegation fought for and won over two seasons of arrogance, ineptitude and penny pinching. Relying on players we knew weren’t good enough and buying worse replacements. Get it over and done with.
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It is becoming clear that Marcelo Bielsa is important in a way that transcends football and sport. He represents all that is good about humanity. He is passion, commitment, humility, hard work, patience, guidance, parenthood. We do not deserve him. #lufc
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I’m beginning to hope Leeds go 3-0 down in the first leg of the playoffs. Unbelievable.
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Always worth remembering that whatever tier you are in you can always go for a long dark walk in the pissing rain. #phoneoff #fuckfootball
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Please stop this “keep football and politics separate” shit. It was a political act allowing people to be killed building a World Cup in a country where gay people are not welcome. Defending them is not bringing politics into football, it’s the opposite!
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I dreamed about playing for Leeds and befriending Marcelo Bielsa again last night. Been buzzing all morning; I feel 10 years old. When the planet is literally on fire and the government is what it is I am so grateful to him and to football. What a glorious, nonsensical gift.
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Nail clippings on the train. This is a “civilisation“ that deserves to be wiped out. @northernassist Can you find CCTV and have whoever did this banned from public transport, or ideally just banned from being in public?
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Excited to be heading home to my family after a few days away working, I just read someone who picks out clothes for celebrities describe themselves in the paper as an “image architect” and now I have to hate the world for at least a week.
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Today is the last day of voting for the comedy awards. I would beg of any of you a moment to make sure that Sean Lock wins best male entertainment performance, because he deserves it and so that rectum of the year gets shown on TV again
thenationalcomedyawards.com/
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It’s a beautiful day to sit out in the sun with your family and a nice cold pint, before fleeing from an aggressive wasp and starting a new life elsewhere when you’ve stopped running.
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Women’s toiletries really are in a different league. Just used my wife’s shampoo and it has washed my car AND set me up a ISA. Can’t wait to see what the other 7 benefits are. #youhadmeatsuperfruit #byebyeheadandshoulders
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Great news! I just broke the WORLD RECORD for the most stale, flaccid poppadoms eaten whilst standing next to the bin and silently hating yourself.
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Not the biggest issue in any year, certainly not this one, but definitely worth asking who the FUCK did this to Thundercats and why wasn’t my generation consulted first?
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I’m very proud to become a patron for Sheffield Children’s Hospital and will do all I can to help them and the children and families they serve, at least until they find out I’m not “critically acclaimed” and get someone better…
We are thrilled that critically acclaimed comedians @RonJichardson and @LucyABeaumont have become our newest Charity patrons!
Husband and wife Jon and Lucy have signed up to support patients, families and staff at Sheffield Children’s and support our charity fundraising efforts!
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I assume that now the whole country is at their mercy, "snowflake" will no longer be considered a term of abuse?
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The incredible, battered and broken walkers of @TheSquareBall are on their descent to Elland Road at the end of their 92 mile walk to remember Gary Speed and raise money for charities helping prevent suicide.
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It’s a very fair point, but 18K likes and climbing? I suppose that twitter remains interesting because I could be on it for the rest of my life and still never quite understand what the fuck it is you people want.
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Thank goodness for the Ashes, the US Open, the World Cup of Darts and the constant speculation about Leeds managers and transfers, or I’d be spending a lot of time trying to find contact details for every Tory piece of shit at that party.
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A 58 year old breast cancer survivor has made five men jiggle their flaccid penises while she plays The Lord Is My Shepherd on a Casio keyboard, having told them she likes toes around her vagina. The idea that I could go to bed now is absurd.
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Of course there’s all the talk of a missed hour of sleep, but there’s also the glorious moment later that day when you realise the oven clock you’ve been working from hasn’t been changed and you’re actually an hour closer to the end of another fucking day. Small mercies.
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Any chance of lobbing vegan milkshakes to get Piers Morgan’s blood pressure up too? Seems a wasted opportunity.
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When a grown man runs into his garden in the pouring rain to take a photo of himself he is either drunk or in love. Maybe it’s both. Just another game and all that.
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Due to the overwhelming weight of evidence that it may indeed be “coming home” the decision has been taken to move Wednesday’s gig in Todmorden forward to Monday night. All tickets remain valid and I take all responsibility for what this now means will happen tomorrow.
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I’d be so much less concerned about the spread of a super virus if we lived in a country where even 10% of bars, restaurants or service stations had soap and hot water in them. Just for the 5% of men who chose to wash their hands anyway.
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Given this heat and the news, I will, for one night only, sanction cereal with ice cold milk as an adequate evening snack for grown ups. Fill your boots.
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Always refreshing to remind yourself that at least half of the likes for your tweets are just heavy-handed people trying to scroll up on their phone.
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The very fact that you are talking, tweeting and writing articles about her proves that you are completely wrong. She has wrestled herself a more powerful and progressive voice than yours in her teens, for which she deserves to be applauded.
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I’m still reeling from getting to work with John Lithgow. Sure I’d like to have done a film with him but I’ll settle for watching him use a balloon whisk from ten paces. An absolute hero.
Who's ready to meet the first batch of bakers?
@JohnLithgow, @HCDream2012, @RonJichardson and @RustyRockets take over the tent for the first of five #GBBO specials.
The Great Stand Up to Cancer Bake Off. Tuesday 5th March. 8pm. @Channel4.
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Thoughts today are with all those who aren't on Twitter who won't know they need to go and vote. They're going to be upset tomorrow!
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Happy Birthday to the best Man(ager) in football. Here’s hoping we get to celebrate his 70th with him still in charge at Elland Road. #lufc #FelizCumpleañosSeñor
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Got a text I've been dreading tonight... "They're talking about you on @C4Gogglebox".
Couldn't handle the thought of people I've come to see as family slagging me off but it seems they've all been nice*. Thank God! Now to get my actual family to like me.
*after an edit
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Here is a trailer for our upcoming series on Dave. Enjoy it, and marvel as I do that neither the film crew, nor my beloved wife thought to mention how fucking stupid my crotch looks in these scenes. 👌🏼
Jon and Lucy have been married for 5 years. This is a series about their lives. Meet The Richardsons (@RonJichardson and @LucyABeaumont), coming soon to Dave.
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On tonight’s Cats Countdown at 9pm, @gillinghamjoe reads a poem which makes me laugh like a maniac. If you enjoy it half as much I promise it’s worth tuning in for. He’s an absolute master.
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Any chance of a model who could show what this cardy looks like without chiselled tits of steel? Asking for a me.
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I'm going to wear odd socks today.
It feels like that's the way the world is going and I might just as well get used to it. #soxit
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There will come a day when Marcelo Bielsa is no longer the Leeds manager. When that day comes I can only pray that the commute isn’t too far to his next club or whichever park he likes to walk around in his retirement. 💙💛
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Every Christmas, despite having eaten crisps happily all year, I am appalled at the thought of offering them DRY to my guests; so I buy one of these, leave it on the dining table overnight and then tip the whole lot away in the morning. #FelizNavidad #iamupperclass
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Went to tell my Fitbit what I had for lunch and either there are loads of health conscious newborns with Fitbits on or there are fucking perverts everywhere.
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If you're still up they're showing one of the first ever Bullseyes on Challenge. Absolutely bonkers. No Tony Green, the Bible is a category, Jim's introducing every round and manhandling the guests.
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Getting rid of all my old VHS, if only because they show so clearly what a weird teenager I was. I'm cool now though.
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OK everyone, I have a confession to make.
I’m not proud of it and I’d had a few beers but that’s no excuse.
It was me that said “Just Eat”. Obviously if I’d known such a big fuss was going to be made of it I would have kept my mouth shut.
I’m sorry.
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Can't they play another 90 minutes or do we really have to stop for the Sportswashing Derby? Incredible stuff. That feels like the moment we finally shook off how awful last year was. It's all new and it's absolutely beautiful. OnOnOn! #lufc #YesseMarsch
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Last night I dreamed up a business called MupPizza, where you get pizza delivered by Muppets. Could work very well on a festival site. In the cold light of day I realise I am not best placed to take this forward and am looking to sell. Anyone willing to Kermit to the idea, DM me.
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Excited for Leeds’ start to the season tomorrow. I cant watch, as in tribute to our summer, I’ve sold my TV and replaced it with a picture of a TV that I’ve borrowed from a neighbour. I’m sure it’ll work just as well. #lufc
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We broke the record! Well done team! If we work really hard (by which I mean do absolutely nothing) I’m confident we could smash 50’C in Inverness by the end of the decade and complete Planet Earth by 2050! Amazing.
In a record dating back to 1961, the current #heatwave is the first time temperatures of 34 C and above have been recorded for 6 days in a row
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Checked the label on my hat to see the washing way and ended up getting great life advice. “To avoid a stain, stay hidden.”
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We go again. The campaign for 2019 starts here.
People's Sexiest Man Alive has been chosen for 2018, and we're definitely not mad about it. eonli.ne/2DlLNd3
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BREAKING: For the next round of Premier League matches, VAR is to be replaced with VARdy, where all contentious decisions will be referred straight to The Sun before they’ve happened. #48hourslater #shatire
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I feel it my duty to point out to those still awake that this episode of Naked Attraction is one of the most remarkable pieces of tele I can recall seeing. And I will be deleting this tweet shortly so enjoy it now.
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“The thoughts of Lee Dixon there” - Clive Tyldesley
This, after a short pause, is such a crushing takedown of someone’s punditry that I’m going to have to start using it to belittle my friends in the pub.
“The thoughts of Tim there.”
Now I just need some friends...
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My baby cries at 4am every morning. I can't work out if she just doesn't sleep well or if she's following US politics from her cot somehow.
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I just wanted to say a massive thank you to everyone who has taken the time to say something nice about Old Man being on C4 this week. I’m sorry I didn’t tweet that it was on but I’d forgotten the internet could be a place for people to be nice.
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Quick update: I asked my daughter if I should shave my head and she said, “But I love your hair,” and then burst into tears. Also I’ve just eaten half a raw onion so have to accept I may not be in the best frame of mind to make big decisions.
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Finally, in 2017, Anthony's girlfriend will get her dinner. A shame Denise and Nana aren't around to see it.
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Bought a white noise machine to help our baby sleep but it's just a guy from Surrey complaining about the cost of avocados in Waitrose.
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Has anyone done any studies on whether or not a bag wants to live a whole lifetime? Mine has hit middle age now and the signs are clear that things haven’t turned out the way it thought they would.
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I’m at the point in #takeushome where things go downhill and I need to turn off and get some sleep, but it’s too addictive. My daughter will be up at 6am and met by a tired, tearful daddy asking her if she thinks Dan James would’ve been the difference. #lufc
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“Did you mean ‘weather’?”
No mate, I want the fucking ‘weatger forecast’. What do you think?
I never hate google more than when it says the sort of thing I would say.
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I’ve never set out to be a controversial comic or to deliberately upset people, but reading my tweets after biting into a vegan cornetto on TV has made me feel like the bad boy of British comedy. I might start wearing a vegan leather jacket and vaping on stage.
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The lies have gone too far, someone must speak out. Avocado tastes like a dick that has been buried for 10yrs next to a leaking battery.
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