Actor writer comedy person. Rep: Curtis Brown. New book now... geni.us/MurdererRetirementHo…
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My next book cover changed again, by the way. Basically, the Australian and New Zealand publishers said that they liked the UK cover but they also liked the colours on the American cover and then we decided that we agreed, so now this is also the UK cover.
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It's already 2021 in New Zealand. That's what happens when you have a woman Prime Minister who knows what she's doing. UK lagging behind again.
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Fair play to Chris Pincher. I’ve had some big nights but never drank so much that it brought down a government.
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Sue Gray should just suddenly release the report onto everyone's phones like that U2 album.
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Mike Tyson, as good as he once was, is just too old to be fighting Jake Paul. Time for Kamala Harris to step in.
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Just remembered that Prince did 21 nights at the O2 arena and every single ticket was £31.
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Carabao have done well to sponsor the league cup for pushing a decade, whilst maintaining their record of not one person in Britain ever trying their product.
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When they finished sixth on X Factor I remember thinking, those boys will be at the centre of the resistance in the week that the full apparatus of the American state is violently turned upon its people by the host of The Apprentice.
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It's easy to forget just how mental the first year of the pandemic sent this country.
Sir Captain Tom Moore lit up by drones in the sky and surrounded by dazzling fireworks! Incredible #NewYearsEve
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To get a passport for your child you have to be friends with someone from a ‘recognised profession’. Such a weird rule. It’s basically, “before we can let you go on holiday, you have to prove to us that you know someone middle class”
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This is what happens when wear a coat indoors all the time - you don't feel the benefit.
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Bellingham’s been very quiet. Thing is, he’s so mature for his age, he’s probably thinking about whether the pension triple lock can realistically hold, given the public finances.
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Tonight my son said to me “Imagine if a football player pooed themselves on the pitch,” and I was able to teach him about a significant moment in his nation’s history.
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This Keir Starmer photo looks like an 80s Scottish indie pop band are making a comeback.
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When Nadine Coyle was discovered to be too young for Irish Popstars they knew they could not change the rules retrospectively and threw her out. Irish Popstars had higher standards than the House of Commons.
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Always thought it a possibility, but never thought Jedward would be the ones to break the news to me.
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.@BorisJohnson I have a fever and a three year old son. My parents are in Plymouth. Should we take the A303 or go the scenic route via Bridport? #askboris
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Yeah, just filling up my Kia Rio and then it’s back home for a bottle of Blossom Hill in front of Eastenders on our DFS sofa.
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Managed to get on ticketmaster, totally panicked and bought fifty tickets for Phantom of the Opera.
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Excited to watch Raducanu but fearful that if she loses we'll see the all too familiar scenes of tanked up tennis fans smashing up our town centres.
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Nice couple of seconds in which @SamCoatesSky is left to dwell on how he delivered the word ‘hoped’.
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Then I reckon - now hear me out - I reckon he’d probably go back to work. Does Sunak sit up all through the night with a shot gun in his hands in case Putin attacks?
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You’ll be getting the text from your mum to say that Boris has resigned some time this afternoon.
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There is a growing, disconcerting trend in London pubs, for queuing for the bar.
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It’s already New Year in New Zealand. That’s what happens when you have woman Prime Minister who knows what she’s doing. UK lagging behind again.
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I’m gonna do a Kitchen Nightmares style show about pubs and the first segment of each programme is going to be focused on dimming the lights.
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Haven’t bothered checking the results. Rory Stewart said Harris would win comfortably and that’s good enough for me.
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British people will admit to murdering their neighbour, before they'll admit to being middle class. Nearly everyone I've met who went to private school is like "Yes, I went to private school but here's my story on why, actually, I'm not posh."
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Time for England to hire a manager with a massive reputation and go back to going out at the group stage.
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It's incredibly childish but I found this enormously enjoyable to make and that's the important thing. #pmqs
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One of my favourite things to do is to read a 600 page non-fiction book and then forget every single thing I learned from it within a day.
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Tonight I watched Channel 4 News with Cathy Newman (Charterhouse) talking to Gary Gibbons (Harrow), Jacob Rees-Mogg (Eton) and Thangam Debbonaire (Chetham's) about the Harriet Harmen (St. Paul's) led report on Boris Johnson (Eton). 7% of us go to private school. 7%.
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It is my goal to never make such a fuck up at work that every news channel films my plane as it lands at Heathrow.
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My mate works in the music industry and apparently they recorded all the Jools Holland Hootenanny’s in 1995. They’ve got enough to take us up until 2050.
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Is this before or after Peter Gabriel left?
I reckon that the Genesis story is the moment that instead of choosing to live in perfect harmony with God the creator and walking in blissful companionship with Him in the garden, mankind yielded to the fallen angel Satan in the form of a serpent.
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Getting the odd deadly serious reply. For the avoidance of doubt, I am not suggesting Jacinda Arden has power over time zones or the earth's rotation.
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We’ve knocked on the door of three crack houses this morning and they’ve all assured us that no rules were broken.
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I think you do know who made it. I made it. Where did you find it? Under your fucking pillow?
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To balance @GaryLineker out I've decided to welcome a racist into my home which is another way of saying I have family visiting this weekend.
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Just adding this to the thread for those who missed it - a tasteful mural of Her Majesty, just above the condiments.
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Are we ruling out the possibility that the fire was started by Simon Calder? As Britain’s only travel journalist, he had a motivation.
'It will takes days before everybody gets where they need to be'
Travel journalist Simon Calder spoke to #BBCBreakfast after Heathrow Airport was shut down because of a fire at a nearby electrical substation that supplies it
bbc.co.uk/news/live/cly24zvv…
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Gordon Ramsey style, I’m going to start by ordering eight different drinks off the menu.
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It's already New Year in New Zealand. That's what happens when you have a woman Prime Minister who knows what she's doing. UK lagging behind again.
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Oh my God! I can't believe Will Self didn't like the Friends reunion! I thought it would be right up his street. thetimes.co.uk/article/rache…
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So when a footballer takes his shirt off and gives it to a little girl he's a hero, but when I do it I get asked to leave Superdrug.
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Rishi Sunak says I need to give up on my creative career and retrain so before I do I thought I'd dub his BBC Breakfast interview from this morning.
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The bloke behind me is interspersing between watching full volume videos on his phone, burping, FaceTiming his family and drinking Conor McGregor’s Forged stout.
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Very excited that I can finally tell you about this. I made a @BBCTwo pilot. It's called Martin Fishback.
Fergus Craig is bringing his middle class dad character, Martin Fishback, to TV. A pilot is due to air on BBC2 on 9th February: bit.ly/3ufxEYa
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Pitching a sit com about four men who lose their real friends because they doubled down on an opinion once and now have to pretend they get on.
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Me going up to my room when my mum said I could have hula hoops when we got home but now she says it’s too close to dinner time.
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"We need to get kids back to school which I think I'm right in saying were invented by Grange Hill"
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Should have listened to my mum when she said “oh, the place that used to be a Chinese restaurant?”.
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Queen rat arsed already. Family telling her to pace herself. “This is my fucking weekend!” she says. “This is my fucking weekend!”
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Every jubilee, at the request of the Queen, the Royal Artillery fire upon one of London’s poorest neighbourhoods.
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Martin Fishback launches his campaign video. #fishback4PM
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Once we're all vaccinated, I think every single person should get a boxing ring style entrance for their first visit back to the pub.
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