A Brief Collection of Thoughts on Leagues: Disrupt
Something I've often regretted in the past, is how I never pushed to study the arts more whilst I was in school. I'd always achieved well in the sciences and mathematics, but I also had this deep desire to do things that entertain. I remember one parents evening, after numerous reports of missing homework from my other teachers, begging my parents to just go and speak to Mr Philips, my drama teacher. I recall how emphatic his praise of me was; my work ethic, engagement with the subject and the clear and obvious love I had acting. This from a child who, not 2 years previous, had forgot to audition for the year 6 end of year play and ending up being a "lighting technician". Offstage having to push a fader once every 10 minutes to turn the lights on and off. There were three of us. I pushed the fader once.
As my schooling moved on, I earned a BTEC (ew) in Drama with the highest grade, and was asked (once again forgetting to audition) to take a small role in the school production of Grease; The "Main-Brain" Vince Fontaine. As cheesy and over the top as the role was (and despite being very minor) I through myself into it. I recall spending night after night reading the script, practicing my corniest radio DJ voice, before the week where we'd perform 4 nights to our peers and their parents. And those nights were a dream, despite spending only about 2 minutes on stage per night, a bit part as the role is, I still hold it as one of my most treasured memories.
Once I arrived at college I found the opportunities to engage my creative side were severely limited; I had continued with my more academic pursuits, and saw no need to pursue it formerly, if I could engage with it on an extra curricular basis. So when my application to the college's Shakespearean drama society was rejected (the only drama activity offered), I resigned myself to the sciences and maths. Subjects I still enjoyed, but rather becuase I was good at them, as opposed to an inherent attraction towards that area without consideration of aptitude. And this defined my studies for the next portion of my life, heading to university to undertake a degree in chemical engineering which didn't massively spark my interest, but I knew I could achieve. That lack of interest hampered my studies, causing me to repeat second year twice before I earned my bachelors.
Post university I was completely lost regarding my future, all i knew is I never wanted to use my degree ever again. So I sat around doing very little, this was when COVID was pretty bad so I mostly stayed inside and played league with my friends. One day whilst I was dead on an ARAM game, I started casting over my friends as a bit of a joke. This provoked a surprising response, that actually thought I was alright and that I should apply for the LPL's open casting call. I never did make that application, because I was well aware of the gulf in quality between my casting and what the pros could do, but nonetheless it motivated me to start my own stream. Through a series of incredible coincidences that ended up landing me a role casting telia masters, which turned in shows for the UKEL, the LJL:OU, EUNIVERSE. Then landing paid casts with LFL:English and other small tournaments before getting asked to join the NLC in 2023.
Over the past couple of years the NLC became a home for me, it felt so incredible to be the one bringing to life the story inherent in competition. To represent the players and teams, to be the voice associated with a moment, that in some way would stay with people. But alas the harsh reality of economics came to call, and after several years living in my father's spare room, I had to move out and take control of my life. I felt like casting wasn't ever going to be enough of an income stream to live independently, and do what I wanted to do. So I resolved to become a teacher, of maths, not of drama. And whilst I enjoyed the process of teaching, the maths was always secondary in my mind. Never something I was truly engaged with outside of the imparting of knowledge.
So when an offer came from LeaguesGG to work for them on video content, approximately 4 months from the end of my teacher training course, I accepted the opportunity. This gave me the chance to make some genuinely creative stuff. But the scale of video always felt a bit lacking, I'm a big believer that constraints help you focus in on the core element of whatever you are trying to convey. However, sometimes filming yourself without lights and proper microphones does just limit you. Working at KB Hallen was an amazing opportunity to widen the scope of what I could do. Some of it worked, a lot of it didn't, but overall the event was a positive for me. If nothing else it helped me understand what worked and what didn't in terms of a live show.
Then 4 weeks ago LeaguesGG asked me to be the executive producer for Leagues: Disrupt Stockholm. To be honest at the time I thought they'd made a mistake. That it would keep me going for another month or so and then I would restart the teacher training and esports would have been a cool thing I did for a bit when I was young and didn't have responsibilities. That ultimately I would fall back on maths, again. But I had no idea how much those 4 weeks would change me. I was enthused and excited by the prospect from the word go, but completely confident in my ineptitude. Running in blind to the role, but then finding so much help and advice to make it work and to keep me sane. My own ideas accepted and nudges offered to course correct where needed. After 3 and a half weeks we had something resembling a show, and all we had to do now was make it happen.
Flying out to Stockholm I was keenly aware of the work we all had ahead of us, and the challenges we would need to overcome. And once we arrived we were presented with more. But everyone rose to the task, everyone it seemed except me. I was shaking, constantly huffing on the contents of a rapidly depleting vape, freezing in sheer terror at the magnitude of the beast I had to slay. I saw at this time all of the things I could have, should have done, as schedules slipped and delays mounted my fear only grew. This was all going to go wrong, and it was all my fault. But once again the friends I had spent the last month working with were there, to support me and push me on whilst I was losing my head.
By the show start I was happy, the preshow content that we had got together was excellent, the vision and execution exceptional in every department. The stress melted away, only to immediately return. 10 minute delay on game start, 20 minute delay, 30 , 40, an hour, plus another half. As the time built up, so did the fear. Now it's all going wrong and it's not my fault, not anyone here's fault? What cruelty that we should come together push through only to be denied by fate. It was sickening. But then it got worse. That show which had been so beautifully envisioned by myself, was no longer possible. We had to come up with a new plan. A few minutes of discussion took place between people with decades of experience, I kept silent. I felt myself drowning. I could see it all going away.
I'd been advised to keep my own emotions separate from the show as much as I could. And I tried so damn hard to do that, but I just couldn't. This was my big shot, after decades of pushing my passion for creativity to the side, this was my shot to show I could create and execute on something like this. That my desire to entertain wasn't just a weird quirk of my character, but something I could dedicate my life to. All those auditions I never attended, the fear of prioritising my happiness over practicality, it was coming back. I was failing myself again.
In that moment when we had to make a call and I could see it all blowing up, something possessed me. The nervousness and anxiety and fear gone, replaced by clarity and resolve and focus. In thirty seconds I laid out the plan for going forward, and how we would make it work. There was no hesitation in my voice, or any rashness or fear, measured and assertive, with an authority I had never felt before. The rest of the show was incredible. I walked different, talked different, thought different; the person that so many had insisted was inside me was there. I think the hardest person to believe in is often yourself, because no-one is more aware or your failings. But so often that can trap you, and you start defining yourself in terms of what you can and can't do, rather than what you want to do.
By the show end I was crying tears of joy. We'd done it. I'd done it. Something that everyone except me thought I could. Then to the after party, seeing friends and colleagues from all parts of my journey in esports, some even from before. A culmination of everything I've worked so fucking hard for over the last half decade, being shared and appreciated by the people that have been with me along the way. It felt so disgustingly fake. There was no way in hell that everything could align so beautifully, but as the hours pass sat at my desk writing this, I am forced more and more to contend with the fact that that all happened.
I see the privilege of this place I'm in, but also the responsibility I have to you all to make something worth your time. I will continue to do that.
Thank you, all of you, so much.