Oldham
- Tweets 36,294
- Following 1,059
- Followers 12,705
- Likes 26,556
I don’t know who is delivering the vaccine to the UK but if it’s Hermes then check your neighbours wheely bin.
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Bless him. He’s probably super healthy, will have is mortgage paid off in his 30’s. Rises at 5am every day, gets shit done. Bed by 9am. As he ages, he gets more lonely, he starts spying on his neighbours. The first cat he kills is accidental, then he gets a taste for it.
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James Martin’s kitchen. Yeah that’s what I’m watching coz there is no football to get ready for.
“Here’s a sauce for Yorkshire puddings. Red wine, Madeira, sherry and veal stock.”
Fuck off James. I’ve got two oxo cubes and some dried noodles.
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Finally figured out how to make Quorn sausages taste good.
Wrap them in bacon. Delicious.
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Excellent news. If you want to see Oasis next year in Edinburgh, during the fringe. You can have two nights at the holiday inn express for just £1,299!!! Woohoo.
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I found out that Borussia Monchengladbach used his pronunciation as their Twitter handle for a while.
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Table 8 for a few drinks, then off to table 10 for the nightlife and the table 3 for when it kicks off in the kebab shop.
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If you’re getting on it today because you’ve finished work for Xmas. Remember not to be rude to the staff in the bars and restaurants, trust me, they’d rather be elsewhere. Then if you collapse through excess, don’t give the emergency services any grief.
DO NOT BE A DICK TODAY.
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Me and my family paid into a Xmas hamper scheme run by this man. 35 weeks of payments we could barely afford, just so the kids had a few treats.
The week before Xmas his business went bust and he started organising foam parties in Benidorm. Piece of shit.
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Dad died on Apr 1st, he’d been ill for a bit. Cos of lockdown rules, he had family that couldn’t see him in the care home before he died. A week later a handful of us attended his funeral. You know, the rules.
Sadly 1000’s went through the same thing. The rules?#oneruleforone
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I’m so missing having a mooch around TKMaxx. Looking at the shoes, clothes etc. Not seeing anything I fancy but still end up buying some pink Himalayan salt, jelly beans and a 5m charging cable for my phone. Even though I know it will only last two weeks.
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Disgusting. This man took thousands of pounds off families in a fake Xmas hamper scam and here he is showing off his riddled son.
Lovely to see my eldest boy again. Been a while.
Trying to get him off the gear. Think we made some progress today.
Thanks to his Mum for allowing us this time together.
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I’m not sure how to process this but, in the cab on the way home. I farted and it was bad. The cab driver said, “I don’t know what that smell is but I’ll open a window in case it’s my car.”
And like a coward I said “ok pal, don’t worry about it.”
#ashamed
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A mate of mine reckons he once saw Matic play a first time pass forwards instead of receiving the ball and turning in a circle before playing it backwards or losing it. I called him a liar. We’re going outside for a fight as soon as it stops raining. #MUFC
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The best comedian I’ve ever seen has died. My all time favourite. RIP Sean Lock xxx
“Sharks only eat you when you’re wet.”
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I’m going to a dinner party tonight with 12 of my mates. I reckon one of them will grass us up.
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My dad died 2yrs ago. Parkinson’s and Dementia took him. Yesterday, he would have been 78. I wanted my dad to be old and with it, so I could talk about why certain things had happened. Sadly not to be.
I have to unload this luggage somewhere. Big walk today.
Love each over x
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2/2 … before I took to the stage. I explained that I wasn’t given individual audience members details. He stormed off down Oldham St in a rage and I shit you not, he kicked a bus stop.
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Many moons ago at The Frog&Bucket I did a joke about somebody falling over whilst on a bus. A gentleman waited outside after the show to fight me, because ten years earlier his uncle was knocked down by a bus and it took him weeks to recover. He asked if I knew about this …
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It’s a difficult time for all of us and I don’t want to get all moody and heavy.
However, if you think a pot with a pastry lid is a pie, then there is no place in society for you after all this is over.
Sorry for the serious tone but it needed saying.
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“Mum, where are we going on holiday next year?”
“Nowhere love, your dad has spent the money on an Oasis ticket, a new Stone Island coat and a pair of Samba’s.”
“Does dad hate us?”
“No love, but you’ll only see him on weekends from now on.”
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I’m an adult, definitely a grown up I’d say. I am of average intelligence, nothing extraordinary. Just an average person.
Yet, every now and then, I have to stop myself tasting shower gels that smell of fruit.
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Super League, gone.
Half and half scarves should be the next thing. Then VAR, then pies that cost more than 3 quid .... then semi finals at Wembley ....
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So. We’re not coming out of lockdown in Gr Manchester. That’s most of my work gone. Cheers Boris. There is absolutely no science behind the hospitality closures.
I think I’m done now.
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I have two grown up daughters and I’ll always worry about them being safe because “NOT ALL MEN” can fucking behave themselves.
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All my brothers and sisters and others, working behind bars, waiting tables, serving customers, driving cabs, driving buses, all the A&E staff and emergency services.
I hope your quota of knobheads is small this evening.
The worst Friday of the year.
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Benedict Cumberbatch is trending. I missed him once in a restaurant by two weeks. All the staff said he smelled gorgeous and they named a table after him. Lovely man.
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Low self esteem, lack of motivation, bad genetics, sciatica and a love of booze and food.
Oh, and I don’t have an axe.
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Turn off your cell phones on October 4th. The EBS is going to "test" the system using 5G. This will activate the Marburg virus in people who have been vaccinated. And sadly turn some of them into zombies.
Community note
There is no scientific basis whatsoever for the claim that a radio signal could activate a virus, and the COVID-19 vaccines do not contain pathogens.
fullfact.org/online/emergen
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What a universe we live in. I’m in the Vyne Theatre in Berkhamsted. It’s a lovely venue on an industrial estate. And a member of staff has got @Haveawordpod on a loop for the customers in the bar.
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If a meat free Burger King has made you angry. Then you’ve probably got quite a few issues already. I suggest you go outside and shout abuse at a pigeon until you’re exhausted. Then find a quiet corner and don’t bother anybody ever again.
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Bleach comes in so many flavours these days. Not like when I was a kid, there was only one flavour and that was bleach flavour.
What a time to be alive.
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My mum is not well and at the moment her brain is operating like an iPod shuffle.
There is normal conversation, then some of the most fecked up funny chat I’ve ever had. Feel bad for laughing but I need it.
Give your mums a hug. xxx
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Well of all the times and dates you chose to go dad, April 1st in a lockdown. Say hello to mum. Rest in peace Manny xx
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My mum was never a coffee drinker but in the final few weeks of her life she got hooked on lattes that had Baileys in them. She would have about 5 or 6 a day.
I think I’ll have one myself later. Miss you xx
#MotheringSunday
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She was found alone, cold and scared after her owner abandoned her. She is house trained and responds to basic commands. She can be a bit skittish in front of cameras and howls if she sees a photo of her former owner. For just £3 a month you can adopt a former Tory.
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This happened seven years ago and I still cannot figure out how me and the lady on the till got this so wrong.
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Start of lockdown: “Will you be alright mate.”
Yeah, I’m sharing a house with people I love.
Weeks later: “how are you getting on?”
I’ve just ordered a rock hammer and a poster of Raquel Welch.
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“I killed 25 Taliban.
Aye pal.
“I got frostbite on me dick.”
Did ya pal?
“Me brother hates me.”
Ok mate. Last orders!!! Last orders people.
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22 years ago I started out as a comedian. I’ve been to places and seen things that I would never have witnessed if I was still an upholsterer.
So many highs, a few lows.
Tonight though. Could be the pinnacle, a dream come true.
I AM JUDGING A PIE CONTEST
#keepdreaming
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To all my fellow Dads out there. We can’t all be the best, no matter what our coffee mugs tell us.
This afternoon there will be a “Reckoning” at your nearest B&Q car park.
There can only be one.
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Imagine being so outraged by a food product that you don’t have to eat.
I cannot stand liver, it’s fucking awful but I don’t protest outside the butchers.
#whatatimetobealive
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A Christmas Eve funeral. Not ideal. Sorry mum, I know you wanted a cardboard box and a shopping trolley but we’ve had to do it a little more formally.
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For the North West I like the sound of
“The Granada Republic”
it will look good on t-shirts and flags.
What are you in other Northern areas gonna call yourselves?
#TheGranadaRepublic
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Madness that some bars charge more for a pint or bottle of beer than what they pay their staff for an hours work.
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Inside Roy Keane’s head “first I’ll take Dixon out with a pen in his eye, then I’ll drop kick Bilić. Then smash Clattenberg into the ....... oh, they’ve just asked me a question. This will have to wait.”
#itvworldcup
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I’ve been through a lot worse watching United. We’re a bang average team at the minute. You have to accept that. Average players, average management and a below average board. So what do we do? Keep showing your love for a start and get the Glazers out.
#GlazersOut #ManUtd
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Stand up has not made me rich or famous but it has given me a living. I’ll be working until the day I die.
I think it’s the purest of art forms but we’re treated as the hoi polloi, I quite like that.
Go to a local gig when you can.
#SaveLiveComedy
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One year ago today I missed saying goodbye to my mum by 45 minutes. I think it will always bother me.
Give your mum a call, tell her you love her xx
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To all my fellow Dads receiving cups today that say “Best Dad in the World” remember, there can only be one. Let the fighting commence.
#HighlanderDad
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If you’re having the vaccine, place a magnet over the bit of skin that was injected. Leave it there for 2 hours and it destroys the micro chip.
Me mate Deepmind Malcolm told me.
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People think it’s ok to play loud music on public transport and if you ask them to turn it down, you’re met with aggression.
People talk during in a comic’s set and if asked to be quiet are met with aggression. Self entitlement and bad manners are getting to be the norm.
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I’m 53 and I can’t get into the jeans I wore when I was 51.
People who ‘can’t fit into jeans they wore aged 21’ risk developing diabetes theguardian.com/society/2021…
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I think I’ve been too romantic with my notions of who and what we are in this country. Our behaviour from toilet roll to fuel is embarrassing. It seems that in times of crisis we resort to selfishness and not looking out for each other.
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I love the “banter” guys. When you respond with your own banter, they usually get angry. They didn’t mean that kind of banter.
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My sister dropped off a carry bag full of my dad’s “personal things” nothing wealthy, just watches with no worth and coins he had found, newspaper clippings about his beloved Manchester United.
It’s brutal that a carrier bag full of his nonsense can kick you in the guts.
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I was really nervous doing this, I’ll admit. It’s the biggest podcast in the country.
EARLY ACCESS IS LIVE🚨
@MickFerry joined us on the couch this week for another episode of absolute chaos.
patreon.com/haveawordpod
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How’s your mental health Mick, now we’re going into tier 4?
“I’m alright.”
Are you burning rubbish in the yard whilst drinking Bloody Mary’s and wearing a bath robe?
“Might be.”
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A year ago today this man took our Xmas hamper money and cruelly sent us a picture of himself on holiday.
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In 1997, @peterkay_co_uk did his first ever solo show. It was at @frogandbucket
He was already becoming a superstar around the North.
I had only been doing stand up for a few months. Peter asked me to do the support slot for him.
It was my first ever paid spot.
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Fred Perry was a working class superstar ostracised by the upper classes. His brand became synonymous with a multicultural subculture. That was influenced by Mod fashions and into Ska, Bluebeat, soul and reggae.
I love my Fred Perry’s and hate the racists hijacking the brand.
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Aye, I remember the respiratory conditions, the reduced life expectancy, the damp, the indignity of sharing bath water, the lack of tenancy laws.
People are choosing between heating and eating.
Blokes like Field Marshall Flag Shag seem to think a 54% rise in fuel costs is ok.
Who remembers living in a house without central heating, no double glazing, no loft insulation etc. and waking up and scratching pictures in the ice on the inside of the windows?
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“Bruce Willis is a ghost.”
William's five words to Harry that made him 'go ballistic' and changed things forever dailystar.co.uk/news/latest-…
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Haha. I’d never knock a football fan but it’s taking a lot of effort to understand these social media fans.
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Inside Roy Keane’s head: “I’m not sharing a cab with these pricks .... I wonder what this table is made from ... I nearly punched a pigeon this morning ...I’ve got a pork pie in my pocket ... a dickie bow, feck off!! ..my turn now.”
#insideKeaneshead #itvworldcup
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I gigged. In front of humans. Lots of them. It was joyful. @HWCCLiverpool was wonderful.
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I’ve got a gig tonight in a proper venue @frogandbucket woohoo!!!!
No live audience but I’ll be beamed into living rooms. Right, I think I’ll have a wash.
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Important Government Information:
As thousands flee London we have to be vigilant and report any “Cockney Refugee’s” to the local authorities. Do not take them in.
How to spot a Cockney Refugee:
1: Say hello, you’ll know within seconds.
(Cont)
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Time to accept we’re an average mid table team. Embrace the below par players and their stupidity. Let it wash over you and the stress of watching them will leave you. #ManUnited
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Every morning Mark Lawrenson superglues bread to a bird table and pisses on his neighbours flowers. He then mulls over Bran Flakes or All Bran. He opens the latest copy of Esquire and sticks photos of his own head on the men he hates. #Lawrenson #bbcworldcup
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The final “The Two Minute Chat Show” this week and it is the superstar @BillBailey
#twominutechatshow #musicbyBelair #FridayFeeling #cloning #DIY #funny #amazing
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This is a scam. I bought two cat names from him last year and I had to pay an extra £8 admin fee for shortening one of the names. Also, read the small print. He retains the rights to the cat name. When your cat dies, he reclaims the name. I’m contacting points of view.
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Hey mate, why don’t we get everybody to sign a card and put a quid in the tin. Then Rachel from accounts can buy her something from Home Bargains this weekend.
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People saying that dressage isn’t a sport, behave. Some of the best away days I’ve had is watching the Manchester Prancers. I remember one day we were away at the Millwall Hoppers and we took their stables. Absolute chaos. They chased us off cos they had polo mallets. Naughty.
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We’ve completely lost our minds in this country. There was no fuel shortage until knobheads that only do 20 miles a week decided to fill their tanks.
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If a shop wants you to wear a mask, then that is their business. They can make that rule for their premises, they’re not stripping away your rights.
I don’t remember protests against nightclubs because of their “trainers” rule.
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A very rare Friday night off but a brilliant Friday night. @jimjefferies @JasonManford @GlennWool @andrewismaxwell & @robriley73
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