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Her: Who's your favourite literary vampire?
Me: The one in Sesame Street
Her: He doesn't count
Me: I can assure you that he does
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I was in a park and a lady loudly called out "Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here". I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me "Who are you?". I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
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Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other - two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what's 'penetrating gays'?
Me: Er... read me the whole sentence
Her: "She stared at him with a penetrating gaze"
Me: Oh
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George Lucas: This scene is set in the roughest bar you can imagine, filled with violent scumbags who'll cut your arm off if you look at them sideways
John Williams: What kind of music will they be playing?
George Lucas: Light jazz
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Is kayak the only palindrome where the object it describes also looks the same backwards?
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Was in a bookshop and asked a worker if he could recommend books to me. He said "Sure, they're great".
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We decided to get a little house for our cats to shelter in when it was raining. Here it is. This is not our cat.
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Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How's about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
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Ha ha look at Sam Smith, can't believe the silly clothes, wots the world coming to - this generation eh?
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Publisher: So you've given us a book about a big friendly giant, one about an enormous crocodile, and another where a granny takes a magic medicine and grows as big as a house. What's new?
Roald Dahl: There's this peach...
Publisher: Is it -
Roald Dahl: It's fucking huge
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Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it's actually pronounced 'gnomes'
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Her: Who's your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn't count
Me: I can assure you that he does
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Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God - imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
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So embarrassing in an antique shop when I tried to buy a vase and it turned out to be the negative space between the faces of two other customers
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Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on...
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses...
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
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[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You're just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
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Are the Pixar guys OK? When they started it was "What if bugs and toys could talk?". Now every film is "What if you were dead?"
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The kitchen scenes in The Bear are so stressful
ALT Paddington in a kitchen
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Two elderly English ladies greeting each other
ALT A packet of Aloe Vera wipes next to a packed of Evening Primrose Oil capsules. Making the conversational exchange: "'Aloe Vera", "Evening Primrose Oil!".
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[Zoo]
Visitor: "I like that cage labelled 'World's most dangerous animal' and it's just got a mirror in it"
Zookeeper: "Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard's escaped again"
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Hey newspapers, don't all go with 'YOU'RE FIRED'. Plenty of other options:
• P45 for P.45
• The Lying King
• Unpresidented
• Lord of the Lies
• Donald Dumped
• Down in the Trumps
• Game over, combover
• POTUS Out Of Our Misery
• Orange Is The New Sacked
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"How come Americans write the month first?"
"That's how you say it, month first"
"What's the date today?"
"It's the fourth of July"
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First date
Her: Let's exchange numbers
Me: Won't that confuse people who are trying to call us?
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Brexit will be like when that 50yo guy thinks leaving his wife will open up a new world of shagging 20yos but instead finds himself washing his pants alone in a bedsit sink
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First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I'm currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I'll move on to Virgos
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Ladies, if he's:
- Possessive
- Confusing
- Never where he's supposed to be
...He's not your man. He's an apostrophe
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Russian computer: "Enter password"
Me: "Beef stew"
Russian computer: "Password not stroganoff"
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[Zoo]
Visitor: "I like that cage at the end that says 'World's most dangerous animal' and it's just got a mirror in it"
Zookeeper: "Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard's escaped again"
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Radio 4's Any Answers had a woman call, defending the idea it's easy to get on the property ladder.
"I bought at 24"
"How"
"I had two jobs, worked in holidays, saved a lot. Lived at home" etc etc
"Anything else?"
"My dad contributed to my deposit"
"How much?"
"It was substantial"
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Just applied for a proofreading job with the risky strategy of including in my covering letter a screenshot of the job advert with all the errors highlighted.
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It was me, and no I didn't get it:
mobile.twitter.com/ItsAndyRy…
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out "Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here". I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me "Who are you?". I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
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Emma: I'll give you a free drink if you can think of a palindrome
Me: Em, it is Pepsi time!
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"Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?"
"Y"
"So I can make a stupid joke"
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Do YOU appear in the form of water droplets?
Are YOU found on grass and windows in the morning?
If so you MAY be dew condensation.
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Me: My wife roots for me to fail at everything – even the crossword
Therapist: Don't get too down
Me: Oh God, not you as well
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Me: How long have we had that mattress?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam mattress: Two years, five months and two days
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Dr: What's up?
Liam Neeson: That's Unknown
Dr: Are you in pain?
LN: Non-Stop
Dr: Painkillers?
LN: I've Taken 2
Dr: Get out
LN: Batman Begins
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Convince neighbours you're shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann's mayonnaise.
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[Leaving the Sistine Chapel]
Her: I can't believe Michelangelo spent two years lying on his back
Me: Well they can't flip themselves over once they're on their shell
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Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I'll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
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Me: I'm an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they're all birds
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I love that whoever put this together imagines that antifa sees and refers to Trump supporters as 'Patriots'.
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Just a warning if you're buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
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My wife often compares me to Ryan Gosling. She says: "You're nothing like Ryan Gosling"
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Wife: I find Italian accents very sexy
Me: Okey dokie, let's-a go!
Wife: You're doing Mario
Me: Sorry
Wife: I didn't say stop
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William Goldman wrote the book and screenplay for The Princess Bride. I like this story he told about Andre The Giant.
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Me: I've lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can't look up anything
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Each Thursday a shop sells the best samosas I ever had, 4 for £3, look forward to them all week. Recently the guy told me the machine was down. Next few weeks: "Still broken". Today his wife was in. "Is it fixed?" I asked.
She said: "There's no machine, I'm sick of making them".
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My wife's mum works in a charity shop. People haggle with her all the time. Yesterday a woman wanted a dress, probably originally £60. It was selling for £5.
Her: Can you make it £3?
MIL: I'd need to get our manager
Her: Go on then. I need new clothes because I'm going to Antigua
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A fortune teller told me I'd suffer awful heart break in 12 years. To cheer myself up I bought a puppy.
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I knew a guy in his late forties who was convinced his wife was the only thing stopping a debauched life sleeping with 20-year-olds. So he left her and found himself alone in a bedsit washing his pants in the sink. I've yet to think of a better analogy for Brexit.
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In Heaven
Me: I can't believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn't even get my Giddamn name right
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Only if you think the word "horse" should also actually be a horse!
[I didn't come up with that reply - I'm not trying to be rude]
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When I lived with a bunch of guys, if the weather was bad I'd sometimes say "It's raining, men", and none of them ever replied "Hallelujah" and that's when I knew I needed to start a family and make my own people
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Her: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I'm coming over
- Me and wife having walkie-talkie sex
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Me: I'm an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they're all birds
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Racecar? A Toyota racecar?
The above is also a palindrome. Alas racecars look different from behind!
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Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It's a comedy movie from 1980, but that's not important right now
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If Boris is going to announce schools are shutting again then doing that after a whole bunch of kids have had a day mixing in schools following a 12-day break seems to be the worst of all worlds.
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Roman 1: you won't believe how many women I've slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don't be ridiculous, not that many
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"I refuse to visit shops that gender children's beds"
"Like a boycott?"
"Don't you start"
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The mother duck got distressed again, understandably, but boxing her up with them seemed a bad idea. Eventually she got the picture and followed us to the canal. Anyway, six hours later I checked on them and they were all still happily swimming in the canal
End 🦆🐥🐥🐥🐥🐥🐥🐥🐥
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There are maps with USA in the middle? WTF? That cuts Europe in half! Don't people want GMT down the centre?
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