Probably invented Shakespeare
- Tweets 3,144
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- Followers 13,669
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*creation of skunk*
Angel: I got an idea for one.
God: Shoot.
Angel: An animal that farts so hard it ruins your week.
God: What’s the catch?
Angel: It’s cute so you wanna touch it.
God: Are we talking prank anim-
Angel: Fucking prank animal dude!
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What your Mario Kart pick says about you
Mario: You suck at the tit of capitalism
Peach: Pervert
Luigi: You’ve killed and will kill again
Donkey Kong: You have a small dick
Bowser: You have a small dick and huge balls
Toad: Coward
Yoshi: Very ugly
Wario: Xenophobic
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Me in the Uber saying the most horrendous, incriminating shit like the driver doesn’t exist
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Bears have it made! You wake up in the spring horny as FUCK, then bang everyone. Then all the food is poppin so you eat until you’re a fat little dumpling and when it gets cold you fucking SLEEP, wake up skinny and do that shit again.
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Psychic: I’m in contact with your husband. He’s saying a J name, I think it’s Joe
My wife: DON’T ASK HIM W-
Psychic: Who’s Joe?
Me as a ghost: Joe momma you stupid bitch lol
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*Joe Rogan on Ellen*
Ellen: So I’ve been listening to your podcast
Joe: Omg really!?
*Alex Jones wrestling a chimp that’s high on DMT burst through the ceiling*
Joe: Oh my god Ellen you didn’t!
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Her: So what do you do?
Pirate: I mostly have herpes and throw up but I’ve got a good retirement fund buried on skull island
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Me: I really wanna go out without getting blackout
My friend: Maybe don’t do shots EVERY time we go out.
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
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Yeah sex is great but have you ever eaten too much of an edible and then got so high you though you went insane and then died but after you returned back to reality sane and not dead?
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Somebody told me they flush their poop as soon as it touches the water and I told them that I look at every poop I take. Then we stared at each other not knowing who was the weird one.
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Microplastics Are Dangerous! This is how you can protect yourself! @jesseswitchxxx
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Met a chick who took out student loans to get fake tits, then used the fake tits to start an onlyfans, then paid off her student loans with the onlyfans money. This is the American dream
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Tour Dates:
Tempe AZ Sept 20-22
New York NY Sept 26th
Tampa FL Oct 4th
Pittsburgh Oct 3rd,
Tamp FL Oct 4th,
Cincinnati Oct 5th
tickets at chedurena.com
Or link in bio
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Part of her appeal is that she’s a solid 8.5 with an amazing rack. If she was a 9 or above she would be too hot, but an 8.5 tricks my brain into thinking I have a shot. The secret ingredient is hope.
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If I put a tab of acid in my ass does it work better? Please say yes because I’m running out of excuses to finger my ass
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WHY THE FUCK DOES EVERYONE STAND UP TO BOARD THE PLANE?! Do you enjoy standing in line? Is your body so weak that if you sit to long you won’t be able to move? ITS FUCKING ASSIGNED SEATING! You’re not getting a better spot by standing in line FASTER! Everyone is a chode
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Dude don’t stare at your butthole during doggy, but we do peak at it like we’re cheating on a test
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Live in Tempe AZ Sept 20-22, New York Sept 26th, Pittsburgh Oct 3rd, Tamp FL Oct 4th, Cincinnati Oct 5th tickets at chedurena.com
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When I’m high and I get the munchies I’m not hungry, it’s more then that, I’m horny for food. I’m not eating, I’m savouring and gorging until tongue and stomach climax and drool rolls down my chin like the little slut I am
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Massive burn:
Tell someone that their dad died from diarrhea poisoning from eating too much diarrhea.
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Assistant: What should happen if they call it by accident?
Inventor of the fax machine: Punish them
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I’m a 28 year old dude who lives alone so I would describe my interior design concept as forced minimalism
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I love fat milky tits but I also love small little tits that aren’t milky at all. I don’t have to choose
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I’d smoke a roach I found on a glue trap next to a dead rodent before I’d go to a family get together sober
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