~ beloved comedian ~ check out my new podcast JUDGMENT DAY
Brooklyn, NY
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- Likes 37,285
a tic tac for breakfast, a tic tac for lunch, and 3,000 calories for dinner minutes before bed
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my brother is so dumb he thought “Emilia Perez” was “Emily in Paris” in Spanish
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my aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED
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so you underpay women?
‘AGATHA ALL ALONG’ was reportedly Marvel Studios’ least expensive live-action Disney+ series to date.
(Source: view.email.hollywoodreporter…)
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my therapist changed my life when he taught me there are 4 types of conversation:
1) small talk (weather, etc)
2) swapping (you tell a story, I tell a story)
3) listening (you tell a story, I listen/validate)
4) problem-solving (you tell me a story, I help solve the problem)
Normalize not bringing up a similar story about yourself when someone is telling you something about themselves, just listen
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@xooset
I may never recover. Dude asked what I was gonna wear and then cancelled the date.
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New York is done? Sweetheart, the US is done, no need to single out one deck of the Titanic.
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Posts Of Cats
the marketing of M3GAN one vs two is so funny to me - first movie, they’re like “it’s a horror film with deep-seated AI fears” second movie, they’re like “okay faggots time to eat this slop up”
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US government will run out of money by October 18, Treasury secretary says cnn.it/2ZuTmtY
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I know there’s a lot going on today - @x username stolen, Mitch McConnell demon possession, UFO confirmation, but I think we really need to talk about this orthodontist
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a genuine appeal inside a comedic sketch. if you’re offended by this, media literacy is at an all-time low
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the funniest part is Bowen debating whether to correct Ariana saying "vocal fray"
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i even POSED for a picture with the food and smiled a little, but I guess that picture did not take, Akm!!!
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My last joke of 2023 bombed spectacularly. When I got to a small house party, a guy named Matt introduced himself at the door. Moments later, when I was being introduced one by one to everyone, I went “Oh, Matt, I remember you...from the door.” Silence. Profound silence. The world held its breath.
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I could feel I was a bit exposed, you’ll note my hand retrieving my pantaloons, but the paparazzi strike when your guard is down!!
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went with my sister to get coffee before thanksgiving dinner the way people on survivor go the water well before tribal council
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Harris should pick her VP based on who has the most beautiful benefactress badges
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starting a thread of my cancer season cries 2023
cancer season cry #1: lady making recipes that people leave on their gravestones
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i will only take fashion advice from that guy on here that tells you the history behind blazers and stuff
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I agree the shoes are lacking but I am away from home and only had room for my gym shoes!!!
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New Yorkers are like “getting coffee with a friend on Friday, looking to sublet my apartment from 2-3:30”
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I tried to save it with “Well, my last joke of 2023 bombed spectacularly." Nothing was saved. Worse: everyone tried to workshop the joke. “Maybe 'I remember you from moments ago' instead of 'from the door?'" Someone even thought I was making a pun on “door Matt." It was truly awful.
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this is our generation's "Dolly Parton wrote Jolene and I Will Always Love You on the same day"
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traitors has always been queer-coded because seeing who actually shows up to brunch is a bedrock of LGBTQ experience
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ya'll are being silly with these fanny packs over your shoulders. i will NOT be gaslit. i know the SECOND i put one on, everyone is going to remove theirs and point at me and laugh. NOT AGAIN
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the best part about being gay is after you meet someone new, your friend will turn to you and whisper "they have the biggest, forearm-length, grandfather clock cock you've ever seen"
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in his mind: "it's rude to correct a guest, but she is wrong, but she is a singer, maybe she's right and I've been wrong all this time??, but I'm gay, I know what vocal fry is, but also I am a stan of this woman and it's my job as a gay man to repeat/support whatever she says"
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