You can buy my book, NONE OF THIS ROCKS, now! How fun.
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Today is the day, my book NONE OF THE ROCKS is officially available to read, hear and burn! Excited to share it with everyone. And please come hang with me at a signing! hachettebooks.com/titles/joe…
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But not Proud Boys or any other white nationalist (aka neo-Nazi) organizations. If you vote for this abomination in the upcoming election, you are racist. He has no other platform outside of hate and white pride.
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Next time you see someone you really want to meet (like a hot celeb) just be like “Hey we both have a really close friend in common.” and they’ll be like “Who?” and then you say “Jesus Christ, our lord and savior.” Then ask for his/her phone number.
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Thanks to Trump for making my wife the angriest I've ever seen her. That was my job, you fucking prick.
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Since I have a lot of younger followers...is “rad” a cool word to say? Or no? Asking for a dad. Me. I’m the dad.
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I voted for @BernieSanders today, and I feel quite good about that. That’s all I got.
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I’m not big into birthdays that don’t involve real people I actually know, but Cork Tree is 15 years old today, and that’s a big old something!
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FYI this won’t work on me — I am Jewish and I don’t want/have any friends ever for my whole life.
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My daughter requires I draw with her once a day. I asked her what to draw and she said "Batman, he's a big new boy!"
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I just told a telemarketer that our religion forbids us to do surveys. They politefully said ok, and hung up.
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Ate an entire apple - the core, the seeds, the stem - because I wasn’t paying attention.
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Don't believe what's going on is normal for 1 second. I'll be at the Women's March in DC. High 5 me if you know what my face looks like.
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What’s lonely about lifting weights and kissing your pecs in front of the mirror at 2am, totally alone and super drunk, while volleying between sobs and maniacal laughter?
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Getting my teeth drilled and filled for the 10th time as an “adult”. Some see it as poor dental hygenie. I see it as a guy that treats each of his teeth like little newborn babies, swaddling them in heaps of ground beef and raisinettes to keep them feeling secure and warm.
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My dude just sang the national anthem at the World Series and killed it. What have you done today? Holy shit.
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Is anyone surprised Trump won't condemn white supremacists, his known base? He scoured the depths for that approval, it's all he has left.
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Teaching your kid a lesson when they're 2 and very cute/manipulative is by far the most difficult thing I've gotten into as of late.
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Cracked the net:
T - the
W - worst
I - internet
T - to look at
T - the
E - end is
R - real bud
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"Mommy, what is sex?"
"Well, Führer Trump put it best: you grab the pevufess and then the covfefe is jammed in, and then it goes splaaaat."
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Happy beeday to @PatrickStump. May his wishes for fishes be forever delicious.
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If there is ANY way to help the victims of the Manchester attack from across the pond, please let me know. Words can't express my sorrow.
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Watching a man stressfully chopstick ice from his cranberry juice into a bowl of wet beef.
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I’m not saying I do, BUT, let’s pretend I had, on my hard drive, a fully produced season of a very funny, never before seen, short-form animated series. If it were to be, lets say, dumped online, how many of you would want to see it?
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It feels as if we are all living during the apex of violence, chaos & discontent domestically & internationally. Very intense & distressing.
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It was an act of LGBTQ hatred in a country that has insanely lax gun control (i.e. none). I feel ashamed.
"This is clearly an act of terror" says Florida Governor Rick Scott bbc.in/25UZvsa snpy.tv/1ULvKlr
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In my hotel room: had a dream someone was stabbing me only to wake up to a stranger hugging me. Dreams do not come true.
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THIS is the face of terrorism - its domestic, its home grown, and it has a lot of white pride. And it makes me fucking sick.
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I'm beyond disappointed this evening. Nonetheless, I hope we can come together amidst the looming negativity, despite our differences.
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On hold w my kid's pediatrician, the country song playing over the phone has the lyrics "we're gonna turn this corn field into a partay".
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Paxton “Pac” Pacman (b. May 1980-d. February 2018) was a yellow guy that ate small circles while getting chased by ghosts - unless he ate a big circle, then he’d eat ghosts kinda. He died in a gutter, eating cigs. He leaves behind either his girlfriend or sister? Not sure.
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Someone just shot my windows out with a BB gun; at first I was mad, but then I saw the damage and it made my house look cooler.
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The moonlight casts a scintillating tableau against the vast waterfront. Blades of grass sway in the breeze, assuming a deep azure. The hum of distant traffic apes white noise - headlights casting a dazzling phantasmagoria. 2 horny vampire dogs bang super hard in front of Arby’s.
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Let's be real: he's a massive sack of cat diarrhea encased in hot dog skin with smattering of vacuum lint placed atop his faux cranium.
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If Mother’s Day is spelled D-E-P-R-E-S-S-I-O-N, then every day is Mother’s Day baby!
Also happy Mother’s Day to my living wife and my deceased Mom 😘
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I mean twitter btw. Not myself. I like me ok and do not approve of one calling themselves trash.
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I love Brussels genuinely & am horrified by attacks. Prayers on the internet won't help. Nor will this tweet. Nevertheless, I am appalled.
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Over 120 people gone overnight. My heart goes out to the families in mourning. So tragic. #Prayers4Paris
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Def not bummed that me and Hurley are watching Alice Cooper in Rio. We're two strong boys and we earned this.
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The attempted "nice sleeves, how long did they take?" convo in the men's room while in line to shit is not a move I admire.
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As a Jew, who knows his family and people’s history very well, I agree— Trump is a Nazi. When this dipshit was elected my father called me saying, “We elected Hitler.” And I replied, “Yea, but, like, dumb Hitler. Right?” Dumb or not, here we are.
gen.medium.com/donald-trump-…
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Fuck the anti-Semitic pricks who called a threat in & ruined my 2 year old's day. Fuck you @realDonaldTrump making it ok to hate again.
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Very hard to imagine a world without Bowie. His vast impression left behind will make it impossible to forget. RIP.
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That story that woman told about Andrew Cunanan giving her a dollar while playing basketball was pretty cool. But why won’t anyone listen to my story about Jeffrey Dahmer giving me a gift card to Chili’s while I was playing frisbee golf?
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If any A-list actors want to team up and open a hamburger spot called "Celebrity Beef" I'm ok with it. You don't need to give me credit.
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When I was 10 I used to think that one line from Africa was “There’s nothing that a hundred men on Mars could ever do!” and I’d be like “Duh”.
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That being said, this is a time that the rest of us need to wake up, and know what it means to love, care for and respect one another.
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Someone just touched my shoulder with their butt. I don't even have to chase my dreams anymore. Dreams happen to me.
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My thoughts and prayers go out to all of the people involved in the tragic events happening in Paris. Hope @EODMofficial and crew are ok.
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I️ could just write the following: beans cats ears hairs tooth teeth feet - it will be liked & retweeted. There is no reason for this.
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If I seem subdued at the next three shows, I sustained another back injury last evening. I will be fine, but I'll be a statue. 🗿
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100s of mass shootings in 2017. Senseless. Mindless. Innocent people going about their days, killed. It could be ANY of us. It NEEDS to end.
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Lots of people projecting their negativity on me, but I'm unflappable these days. Can't flap this one.
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My post about the election & my concerns: bit.ly/2ffBPgm Took me 3X to get that right. Taking a long social media break. Take care.
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👏thank you I hungy
My friend @trohman's band @falloutboy just released a new song. Please support this struggling punk band and keep the scene alive.
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We went from being the country known for beating the Nazis to the country that is the Nazis. Full circle!
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Just landed in Japan. Can't wait to try their famous soups, salads and breadsticks! That's why I booked the trip! 🥗🥘🥖🇯🇵
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Hey if you're verified come over to my house tonight and bring your most creative fruit salad I'm having a fruit salad party psych
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Sent letters to all of my enemies to fool them into believing there is no eclipse and told them that to look at the sun no big deal
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Holy shit Trump is like a goldfish in regard to his concept of time...and his spray tanner hue
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Big congratulations to @paramore @yelyahwilliams on the Grammy win! Great job guys.
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Hello everyone: on top of everything else, cops are harassing, arresting and assaulting journalists for doing their job. In case you’re unsure, that’s a gross violation of the 1st Amendment. This is insane.
When a police officer in Minneapolis drew a weapon on her, Maggie Koerth, a reporter for FiveThirtyEight, held out her press badge and put her hands in the air. “They kept pointing the weapon at us while we were doing that and one of them said, ‘Shut up.’” nyti.ms/2BoMFhc
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Chris Cornell's death is so shocking & tragic. Soundgarden, his voice, the songs he wrote, a huge influence on my life. Total disbelief.
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Once a week I come home from tour to see my daughter. I sleep 1 hour the night before and fly at the crack of dawn. It's very worth it.
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We chose an embodiment of hate to represent a country built upon "your tired, your poor,
your huddled masses yearning to breathe free".
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I drove around & forgot we were mid pandemic, saw 2 men in face masks talking & thought, “Hmm, 2 doctors talking.” Then saw an old man at a bus stop in a mask & thought, “Hmm, another doctor.” And then saw more people in masks & thought there were a lot of doctors around.
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It’s incredible that American Airlines insists that everyone aboard eat 4 complementary, piping hot soft shelled crabs within 15 seconds or else they won’t take off.
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