Just imagine if it had been Chris Rock telling a joke onstage and instead it was Will Smith who hit him.
230
1,863
57,133
Leonard Cohen finishes writing āHallelujah,ā stands up from the piano, calls a close friend on the phone and says āI think Iāve just written the perfect song for the sad montage in Shrek.ā
48
3,854
52,540
1,793,614
āTrust me, Iām a princess and I couldnāt feel one pea under my CASPER MATTRESS.ā
55
1,000
28,242
It always blows my mind to find out the real ages of the āFull Houseā cast members while they were making their show.
31
886
17,339
1,104,511
I heard a rumor that Ronald McDonald got his McRib removed so he could suck his own McDick.
107
1,360
13,230
I wish everyone on earth had a Wikipedia-like page that told you why they were that way.
62
1,440
11,060
Forget The New Yorker fest with Steve Bannon. I want a New YOGURT fest with Steve DANNON.
83
707
10,205
So let me get this straight. They can put a man on the moon but they canāt invent a saddle that changes color when the horse is happy?
57
938
9,563
āI voted.ā - Bob Saget on election day
āI V.O. Ted.ā - Bob Saget discussing his voice-over work for the character Ted on āHow I Met Your Motherā
48
945
9,345
āWeāve actually met before. Remember when you dated that single mom? I was the voice of her funny baby.ā
28
724
6,920
Just found out Jason Momoa was raised in Iowa. Him, John Wayne, Ashton Kutcher, me. The only thing Iowa grows more than corn is STUDS.
96
422
7,195
Letterman pioneered a style of comedy that gave us 30+ years of nightly entertainment and influenced everything we find funny today. But I guess thatās just too basic for the guy who sings along to songs on his car radio with Ed Sheeran.
āWhen I took the job, my frames of reference were like Fallon doing lip-sync battles, Kimmel [doing] mean tweets and Lettermanā¦ doing like stupid pet tricks and I was like, āYeah, I can do this.āā But recent events have made it more of a challenge.
latimes.com/entertainment-arā¦
113
427
6,679
I asked this guy selling beeswax what heās been up to and he told me it was none of my business.
54
475
6,611
You sneeze once? I got a āGod bless youā for ya.
Sneeze twice? You KNOW Iām pulling out a āgesundheit.ā
But three sneezes? Sorry buddy Iām out of material.
119
649
6,287
Itās tough enough to do a āwalk of shameā but itās really tough when itās through Disneyland.
(I fucked Goofy)
51
399
6,249
At the first Thanksgiving, do you think any pilgrims ate so much they had to loosen the buckle on their hats?
38
320
5,738
Many deep conversations had in college while a DVD menu screen replayed the same 30 second music.
39
455
5,144
When I first moved to LA, I was at a house party and saw Bill Pullmanās phone number on paper so I put it in my phone (like a real lil shit!)
2 years later I was at a grocery store and saw Bill Pullman so I called the number and he picked up and I hung up (like a real lil shit!)
40
81
4,767
āPerfect Strangersā is the only tv show that, if it ever was rebooted, I could play both lead roles.
68
61
4,566
Today is the 27th anniversary of me entering my 4th grade classroom & all my classmates running up to me with the exciting news of āThereās a secret valentine on your desk!ā & inside the envelope was a handwritten letter from a mom asking me if Iād see Wayneās World with her son.
25
196
4,487
Coen Bros ranked
1. š¤°š®āāļø
2. š
3. š¤¼āāļøš
4. š«šŗšøš“š»
5. š³
6. šš¤¤
7. š¶
8. āļø
9. āļø š
10. ā”ļøšŖ
11. š„ š
12. š¼š½
13. š¬ š©
14. āļø š
15. š¤ š“
16. šØāš©āš§āš§ ā
17. The Ladykillers
273
548
4,212
When I first moved to LA, my friends and I went to a taping of āAmericaās Funniest Videosā and we had a blast being the amped up AFV audience members that we grew up with.
43
62
4,059
So I draw a pentagram on the floor ok?
AS A JOKE!
And I read The Bible backwards alright?
AS A GOOF!
And for everyone wondering āDid he use rooster blood to draw the pentagram?ā Yes.
FOR FUNNYāS SAKE!
Well I dunno how to say this but...
THEREāS A DEVIL IN MY LIVING ROOM!
40
518
3,951
Beto calls me up. Middle of the night.
āIs AOC cooler than me?ā
I take too long to answer and we both feel it.
āSo thatās a big yesā he says.
I donāt deny it but offer this:
āThere can be more than one star in the sky.ā
Click. Uh-oh did I piss off our generationās Camelot?
26
200
3,807
I thought I saw a butterfly but it turned out to be a leaf. Iām such a dumb piece of shit.
71
299
3,762
Dave: āAnd they can sing! One is named Simon, another is named Theodore andāā
Concerned friend: āI donāt understand, youāre managing their music career?ā
Dave: āExactly! But Iām also their dad. The last one is named Alvin.ā
Concerned friend: āDave?ā
Dave: āHeās the rebel.ā
11
216
3,702
At the first Thanksgiving, do you think any pilgrims ate so much they had to loosen the buckle on their hats?
30
347
3,629
So sad how Britney is being exploited by others for profit. Please listen to my daily podcast about it!
19
171
3,615
Beto calls me up.
āIt finally hit me I lost.ā
I tell him everythingās going to be ok.
I tell him how I worked through the failure of āI Love You Beth Cooperā
Beto says āYeah but I can rewatch that & laugh every time Paulā
So our generationās Kennedy thinks Iām funny. Not bad
50
93
3,421
My daughter is only 3 months old but she just asked me āDaddy, why must man wage war?ā I wish our world leaders asked the same question!
55
250
3,279
At the first Thanksgiving, do you think any pilgrims ate so much they had to loosen the buckle on their hats?
25
301
3,119
If I had to pick my personal Mount Rushmore of The Beatles, Iād probably go with John, Paul, George and Ringo.
45
101
3,150
At the first Thanksgiving, do you think any pilgrims ate so much they had to loosen the buckle on their hats?
21
188
3,024
Did you hear about that standup comedian who accidentally fell off the parallel bars a second time?
Yup! It was a real GYM GAFFE AGAIN!
50
96
3,016
This guy is supposed to be a genius but is too dumb to realize she gave him a 555 phone number.
GOOD WILL HUNTING (1997)
Cinematography by Jean-Yves Escoffier
Directed by Gus Van Sant
Explore more shots in our database: ops.fyi/ShotsDB
25
128
2,951
I heard theyāre hiring a proctologist to be the producer so they can replace one asshole with another.
42
121
2,826
A little too late for the folks making those āEnd of the Decadeā TV lists but I appreciate the support Yoko!
14
89
2,743
Three former Democratic presidents are still alive but only one former Republican president.
Life lesson?
SMOKE THAT HERB!
15
159
2,671
Some people expand their minds with Ayahuascaā¦
I expand MY mind with āIowa Ska.ā
32
203
2,742
157,774
Last night I was watching an episode of āFRIENDSā and on a table at Central Perk someone accidentally left out a severed head and sword.
16
230
2,697
Remember when McDonalds burnt an old woman with hot coffee and everyone took the side of a corporation?
44
176
2,592
Top 12 highest-grossing movies
1988 vs 2018
(the only sequel in 1988 was āCrocodile Dundee 2ā)
114
357
2,717
My high school once held an assembly for a guest speaker...
who could play both sides of a volleyball game by himself alone.
And then he tacked on some anti-drug message at the end like it pertained to fuck anything.
59
91
2,652
āMore like a GOLDEN Globe.ā - person looking at a Golden Globe who thinks itās called a Dolden Globe
9
174
2,660
Help! Iām having one of those ātip of my tongueā experiences...
Anybody remember the movie about a teenager who travels thru time (maybe to the 50s??) & has to make his parents fall in love?
I believe it was followed by āBack to the Future Part 2ā & āBack to the Future Part 3.ā
178
139
2,518
At the first Thanksgiving, do you think any pilgrims ate so much they had to loosen the buckle on their hats?
19
176
2,421
Grown adults continuing to do an empty gesture of respect even when others tell them itās unnecessary? THATāS Catholicism baby!
22
159
2,410
Facebook is like that one friend you really had fun times with at first and then later you found out they knew about Russian meddling before the 2016 election and didnāt tell anyone.
11
220
2,317
When I was a kid, I was like āI wonder if pepper really makes you sneezeā so I put pepper in my nose and guess what? I sneezed for 40 minutes and it was a living nightmare.
31
106
2,368
once at a church talent show a dozen folks dressed up in elaborate california raisins costumes & came out onstage to āI heard it through the grapevineā & the crowd went super crazy but then for the rest of the song the raisins just walked around in a circle & it got old real fast
24
109
2,318
I just opened a closet packed with junk & it all came pouring out & buried me in a pile & then I popped out my head cuz it oughta be safe right? Wrong! One last basketball bounced out & hit me between the eyes.
44
91
2,181
At age 7, I first saw āThe Shiningā the way Stanley Kubrick always intended ā on the USA Network with commercials and edited for content.
17
124
2,153
I remember my mother watching the end credits of āBeetlejuiceā with me and explaining what the jobs were because she knew how much I loved movies. What a cool mom!
23
44
2,201
Imagine how poorly your parents mustāve raised you if your fragile sense of safety and security could only be provided by some fence hundreds of miles away.
16
285
2,149
Imagine growing up in the 1980s and absolutely loving it and then finding out most folks consider it a cultural lowpoint of the 20th century.
83
95
2,146
Howdy! The third & final season of @LOVE returns to @Netflix this Friday March 9th!
Seasons 1 & 2 now streaming to watch or rewatch.
Until then Iām gonna post one tidbit per episode til the premiere to whet your appetites/clog up your timeline & make u hate me.
#LoveOnNetflix
57
203
2,122
I bet things got really confusing on the set of āVanilla Sky.ā
āHey Cameron.ā
āYes?ā
āSorry I meant Diaz. Not Crowe.ā
āHey Cruise.ā
āWhatās up?ā
āSorry I meant Tom. Not Penelope.ā
Can you imagine?!!
24
127
2,080
Iām spending my Thanksgiving week at this island resort, but just now the āhead chefā came by my hot tub and started slicing carrots into the water and shaking salt on my shoulders. Ummm I want to eat room service, I donāt want to BE room service, ok buddy?
37
55
2,052
Earliest memory is hearing Billy Joelās āThe Longest Timeā play on the radio in the kitchen & calling out to my mom in the bathroom: āItās on! Itās on!ā (I was 31 years old)
9
116
1,960
Got stuck in a revolving door today.
Wouldnāt have been so bad but there was a mosquito trapped inside there with me.
I was hoping thatād be the worst of it but nope...
The mosquito stung my eyes and penis.
29
74
1,958
After I graduated from Gatorade University my classmates dumped a football coach on my head.
25
113
1,958
Whatās up with that moon that shows up in the sky during daylight?
You never see the sun pulling that shit at night.
Uhhhh hey moon starved for attention much?
27
158
1,974
Iāve heard of a ābackpackā but a āBARK-pack?!ā Now I feel like Iāve heard everything now I think!
18
58
1,934
She caught me on the counter (It was fake news)
Saw me bangin' on the sofa (It was fake news)
I even had her in the shower (It was fake news)
She even caught me on camera (It was fake news)
14
166
1,899
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
18
118
1,963
About a decade ago in New York I did a comedy bit as Thom Yorke singing āFake Plastic Treesā in front of Simpsons porn and it was the hardest I ever bombed.
39
49
1,800
There once was a man who each week
Played a boy who lived by a creek
Itās just a fact sir
Heās a great actor
Letās hear it for James Van Der Beek!
24
116
1,810
before social media we used to look at our reflections in the river and scream āeat shitā at ourselves
17
224
1,791
At the first Thanksgiving, do you think any pilgrims ate so much they had to loosen the buckle on their hats?
16
111
1,867
108,202
Last night for the first time my daughter farted and laughed. So begins a lifelong journey of joy and discovery.
8
41
1,822
James Corden is our George Harrison, somehow managing to get cooler and cooler with every passing year.
James Corden, Camila Cabello, Billy Porter and Idina Menzel stopped traffic in LA for a flash mob with a cover of Jennifer Lopezās āLetās Get Loudā to promote #CinderellaMovie
125
59
1,785
I saw this windshield shade in Kansas City when I was 9 years old and lost my goddamn mind.
23
75
1,744
Every music lover agrees that the most PUNK ROCK lyric ever written was Blink 182ās āsurprises let me know she cares!ā
25
159
1,734
TRUE STORY. The star of āRosemaryās Babyā couldnāt believe she was once an Egyptian ruler.
āMe? A pharaoh?ā
52
182
1,739
A real thrill and joy for me to be on tonightās 99 in the Class of ā99!
8
66
1,804
My friend: āThe newspaper says there was a breakout at the zoo.ā
Me (covered head-to-toe in animal footprints): āUmmm yeah I KNOW.ā
5
108
1,818
I get a text from Beto āCall me. Need to talkā
Classic Beto. Always a drama but hey this guy could be the next Kennedy so I call
First thing he says āMe & my family were just watching your online videos & dying laughingā
Thanks Beto. But next time? Chill it with āneed to talkā
13
46
1,704
Iāve watched more minutes of āThe Officeā in gif form on Twitter than in episodes on TV.
30
112
1,696