awkward human
- Tweets 14,852
- Following 1,686
- Followers 11,487
- Likes 90,487
Pinned Tweet
I think my therapist hates me. Wish I had someone to talk to about this.
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My coworker's family just finished the toilet paper they bought in 2020, in case you're wondering who the real villains are
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I once made a joke to a coworker and she said it was the funniest thing I ever said and suggested I tweet it. It got 10 likes.
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I'm shy. But I will do absolutely filthy things for a man who makes me feel attractive and comfortable.
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Last night my dad said, "She's really that superstitious?" and I landed a flawless, "She's just a little stitious," and not a single person laughed. This is the true Christmas tragedy.
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My coworker thought English was spoken in so many countries because of Pangea
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15-year-old me would be SHOCKED I'm still alive. Not necessarily impressed though.
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I posted a selfie yesterday that got 24 wonderful comments and one trying to make me feel like shit. Checked the guy's TL and his entire goal in life is to tear down beautiful women. So, actually kinda validating I made the cut. Here's another.
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When we told her the real reason, she immediately realized how silly her thinking was. She said she had a very Catholic upbringing and still struggles to put human history on the right timeline scientifically.
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To recap, my date:
- Paused the conversation to activate a credit card
- Ranked his favorite colors
- Gave away the end of the show I'm watching
- Asked, "Should we split it or do you want me to pay?"
- Tried several times to invite himself to my home
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Women don't want flowers. We want a Victorian mansion with a wraparound porch and a haunted library with a rolling ladder
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New Year's Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
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Why do men always tell me they're allergic to cats? Bitch, so am I. Take a Zyrtec and come meet my cat.
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I'm at a comedy show about to start. It's me, the comedian, the bar owner, and one random couple. This will either be the funniest thing I've ever seen or an absolute train wreck.
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Tomorrow I'm seeing a guy I had sex with five years ago. I'm older and fatter now and terrified he'll reject me.
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If I'm wrongly accused of a crime, I'm going to prison. I'm way too introverted to have an alibi.
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His favorite colors, in order:
1. Navy blue
2. Black
3. Green (unspecified)
4. "Chrome orange"
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Randomly DMing a woman is a red flag. Therefore, NOT DMing is a green flag. But how will she ever notice your green flags if you don't DM her?
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So excited for my coworker to get married this week so I can finally stop hearing every detail of her wedding planning
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Once, after finishing what I thought was a normal meal, my server brought me a big sticker that said, "I can't believe I ate the whole thing!"
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A guy once DMed me on here, and I made the mistake of interacting. When I wasn't "entertaining" enough, he blocked me and tried to publicly shame me by tweeting about how "boring" I was. Anyway, just a reminder that women are real people who don't owe you anything.
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Honestly I would be so relieved if a guy on a dating app told me he follows me on Twitter. It would eliminate so much pressure to try to act normal.
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Thank you all for the ridiculously kind words.
Update: I sent him a nude last night and he almost immediately started setting up to bail. This morning he said he has a headache and may want to reschedule.
Telling myself correlation is not causation but the timing is damning.
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I've had a bottle of champagne in my fridge for three years and all I want in 2024 is someone to drink it with.
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The comedians outnumbered the audience members. It was terrible -- fucking god-awful -- but we met cute guys.
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hahaha I'm gonna be alone forever. I rejected a nice, educated, successful man simply because he sucks.
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in the mood to share bad selfies and drink terrible alcohol out of a vintage playboy glass
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When I die, please don't give condolences to my family. Give them to me. I'm the one who died.
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Everyone's talking about "boy math" and "girl math" and I don't think people know what "math" is
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You can summon a man into your DMs by liking two of his tweets back to back. Apparently.
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