Comedian. Cuckservative Libtard. Netflix Special: ”The Honeymoon Special” streaming now. BOOK “Kasher In the Rye” on Amazon. POD: Endless Honeymoon.
Los Angeles
- Tweets 21,732
- Following 738
- Followers 155,133
- Likes 9,511
A week in and all 4 cops are charged, Minneapolis has banned chokeholds, LA has diverted 150 mil from LAPD budget and you're wondering why the protests haven't stopped? What happens two weeks in?
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Help I moved into a neighborhood that’s been doing fireworks for decades before I got here and now I need to put a stop to it. any suggestions?
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Ashamed to have been accused of bank robbery- I forget if I did that- but this is a good time to let you all know; I am Jewish.
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To be fair this is a pretty good time to fold ‘em.
American country music star Kenny Rogers dies aged 81 bbc.in/394QcMF
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It's important that we show President Trump & the republicans the same respect and cooperation that they showed President Obama.
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Who could have thought that the golden age of hand washing would coincide with a near total cessation of showering?
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This whole trans woman beats a guy who called himself the "chief homophobe" is a reminder that things can be inspirational & simultaneously fucking hilarious.
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Alright I'm doing it again-- If u or yr family can't afford a turkey this year I'll buy you one and bring it to you. I live in Silverlake so don't u brentwood broke bitches take advantage of my kind jew heart.Thats FAR! DMs are open for an hour.Being broke sucks, LET ME FEED YOU!
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One of my favorite ways to start the day is to roll over, grab my phone, check the news and mainline acrid poison straight into my brain stem.
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Is it possible that everyone’s too much of a sensitive bitch AND that everyone’s too much of an insensitive asshole?
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One cool facet of the internet is the ability to plunge into a dark depression within two minutes of awakening.
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i’ll never understand why people get shocked when protests turn lawless when what they are protesting is the lawlessness of the people who enforce the law.
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Somewhere in a war room Stephen Miller is pleading that the only way forward is to sacrifice Barron to the lord of light.
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There is nothing more hip hop than abstaining from premarital sex for the glory of Christ.
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go easy on him, we are all learning. for example I recently learned the governor of Georgia is a fucking moron.
Georgia Gov. Kemp says he just recently learned asymptomatic people could transmit coronavirus: "We didn't know that until the last 24 hours."
on.msnbc.com/2ytsTQa
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Maroon 5 KILLED that shit. No disrespect to the dead but Michael Jackson and Prince need to take SEVERAL seats. #moveslikejagger
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Don’t waste your time trying to politically inspire the hundred million people who don’t vote becuse they feel disenfranchised by the status quo, focus on like ten thousand folks who need a full election cycle to decide if their politics align more with Hillary Clinton or Trump.
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Straight white men. SMDH. nitter.app/blscults/status/911597…
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So depressed about the current political state,need a distraction.Cant wait for the premiere of Game of Thrones so I can sink into a fantasy world of the rich, willing to burn the world to ashes to hold onto power while a wall to keep out outsiders melts in a changing climate.
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Let’s do it again! happy thanksgiving - once again if you are in LA and broke and can’t afford a turkey I will happily buy you one! My dms are open(ps- sorry I’m limiting it to LA this year - I did a nationwide thing last year and almost lost my mind)
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I think we can all agree that no matter who your preferred candidate is - when it comes to tweeting about them, you're a complete fucking nightmare.
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I don’t believe in “toxic masculinity” and anyone who does is a sissy bitch whose ass I’ll fucking kick the shit out of, no mercy; til the death; tears in my eyes; I miss my father.
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Ok so you guys are willing to accept biggie smalls as a sexy ladies man but I get three messages a week like “how did you get Natasha to marry you?” Bitch, I’m funny, I have style and I’m physically attractive.
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It feels so pathetic to do this on twitter but i don't know where else to. This is so sad , a real loss of a strange and genuine talent and sweet man. fuck im knocked for a loop. Brody Stevens was one of a kind.
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it is wild to me that we shattered iraq and went to war with afghanistan for 20 years when 3500 people died and now we are rounding the bend on 200k deaths and people are like “stay home if you’re sick buttercup- i’m not gonna cry over your athsmatic grandma.”
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I care about two things: banning the teaching of critical race theory and protecting free speech.
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Did I just get into a shouting match with a man complaining about my baby in the dining room of Walt Disney’s favorite restaurant where one of my lines was “This was Walt Disney’s favorite restaurant homie.”? Yes. Yes I did.
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The plot thins.
DEVELOPING: Search warrant: Marijuana found in Botham Jean’s apartment after deadly shooting bit.ly/2D2fd0u
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Saying"give him a chance hes the President now"is like being asked to give your friends abusive boyfriend a chance because they got married.
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Will no one stand up for the racists who support free college?!
If somebody wants to start a new political party they should make it economically left and culturally right. That’s the big unserved group in America right now. theamericanconservative.com/…
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Ok third year running! Let’s do this again! If you can’t afford a turkey this year - I’ll get you one and either bring it to you or get it delivered to you. My dms are open. Ask if you need one! Help me forget that the ice caps are melting!
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So crazy when I was young I thought a hundred dollar bill almost a magical object, worth more than I could comprehend. Now I use them every day to snort cocaine with. I am a cocaine addict.
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I feel for Catholics who say they’re troubled by the sex crime stuff but it’s their faith. If only at some point in history they’d created another, nearly identical religion with the same liturgy and theology but without the weird celibacy and sex crime cover up infrastructure.
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It is crazy that it takes us 364 days, a week of prep and 8 hours of cooking to remember that roasted turkey isn’t good.
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Everybody’s like these two guys are way too old to be President they are about to keel over and-
oh shit is that RBG? yaaaaz your honor stay on that bench till 104 slaaaay that dissenting opinion thank u for not retiring during Obama’s first term queen.
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Got the bill, told my waiter he forgot to charge me for my OJ(great guy) he says “oh thanks for telling me” and then CHARGES ME FOR IT. Uh, I believe the line is “don’t even worry about it man.”
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Give me your tired, your poor,
your exclusively Christian masses yearning to breathe free.
Compassion only for those who believe like me.
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If you have ever used the word “content” to describe something creative you’re doing you should be forced to retire from the arts and work in a gypsum factory for the rest of time.
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Cancel culture getting to the point where you can’t even do something wantonly unethical without people getting all offended.
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I hate gangsta rap. It celebrates violence and brutality towards women. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go download a true crime podcast.
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one of our greatest actors meets one of our greatest screenwriters. it’s a exciting time.
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I’ve spent the last 2 years watching my feed poisoned with an uptick in ironic “oy vey shut em downs”,anti Semitic slurs including death threats, footage of me discussing hatred of Jews making its way to Nazi twitter accounts(just a few days ago) no jew is surprised right now.
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What if, rather than use Twitter as intended, we found a way to reformat it into the worlds most annoying to read essay? (1/28)
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My two year old turned to me after biden’s speech and said “the age of demagoguery and partisan divide is through, now is the time of our unity. A time to display that the ties that bind us are ever stronger than the forces that would tear us apart. god bless this republic” smdh
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You know things are weird when the guy named “Mad Dog” quits and everybody’s like “oh shit the stable one’s gone!”
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This is a very difficult day for comics. Please please please check in with your stand up comic friends about how they feel about last night . If they shrug it off that’s their fear and protection mechanism kicking in.Send many more messages asking if they are ok and have a take.
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a powerful moment in history- a terrible moment in traffic for that one white car.
stunning to see thousands of protestors laying down on the bridge with their hands behind their backs.
this may be the largest, most diverse movement in american history. #BlackLivesMatter
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Has this ever been attempted by a famous person?
John Goodman Reacts To ‘Roseanne’ Cancellation, Says He Would “Rather Say Nothing Than To Cause More Trouble” deadline.com/2018/05/john-go…
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So Twitter?
China launches app for citizens to report anyone who has 'mistaken opinions' trib.al/YXBQoLQ
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thinking of joining the “i was sick a little over a year ago, have no antibodies but still convinced it was covid” community.
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Big news. Just found out it’s possible to be a comedian and not weigh in on conversations about the state of comedy.
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OMG my two year old daughter just pointed at my stick and poke Bernie tattoo and said “will you vote for the democratic nominee no matter who it is?”
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Here we go again;Tough year. If you can't afford a turkey this year, I'll have one delivered to you. My DMs (ON TWITTER ONLY) are open until 4 PM. DM your addy, phone # and a good delivery time. please only if you need one- its so hard to comb through your hilarious turkey jokes.
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"PC culture is destroying the world! he screamed.
"How,exactly?"asked a man in a boat of refugees being turned away, back to the rising sea.
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I'm a bit elderly to use the phrase "deadass" but deadass just tried to pay for something at the Apple store and they deadass said they don't accept ApplePay. deadass.
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I was raised on welfare by a disabled mother who was putting herself through night school to get her degree in Deaf education. And the one thing that would have made things easier was a box with a recipe for Saffron Risotto with Orange-Glazed Fennel.
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Well you can’t argue with him there if there’s one thing we know about Oprah it’s how insecure she is.
Just watched a very insecure Oprah Winfrey, who at one point I knew very well, interview a panel of people on 60 Minutes. The questions were biased and slanted, the facts incorrect. Hope Oprah runs so she can be exposed and defeated just like all of the others!
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My three year old just started talking about God out of nowhere. I asked her “what do you know about God?” and she looked at me and said
“God is the king of Corona Virus.”
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You should probably never respond to hate mail but when it's a FOX News pundit writing it, you kinda have to. READ: moshekasher.com/fanmail-from…
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I cannot wait to rearrange my entire identity around Joe Biden which is what people do with presidents.
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