me: I tested positive for covid and will be stuck in Italy for god knows how long, I am really upset
my brother:
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not kidding a group of men just watched me park my car from their porch and when I got out one yelled “how did you get your drivers license”
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it’s everyone’s favorite time of year: when my aunt publicly compares her marriage to 9/11
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last night a guy told me he was in the military and I didn’t know what to say so I did the normal thing of asking him if he’s ever killed anyone. he said “that’s a very intimate thing, that’s like me asking you if you do anal” lmao…. ok
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real ones know what today is. the day ny aunt compares her marriage to 9/11 on facebook for the past 10 years
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like 2 years ago my stepdad sent me to the grocery store to get 6 zucchini and I brought back 6 cucumbers so I’m just never living it down
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I love watching the Kardashians. All they do is FaceTime each other and create problems out of nothing. I deserve that life
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when I find out someone isn’t voting for Bernie I like....can no longer fuck with them. I can’t just “agree to disagree” I’m too immature sorry
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If I go to a movie and it sucks I’m leaving. If I’m at a stand up comedy show and it’s painful I’m fuckin ouuut. If the bar I’m at is shitty and dark and everyone is miserable I’m definitely staying
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I’m not marrying a cop btw I just came on the app that you post jokes on and made a little joke
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*talking to a random lady ln at the bar*
Me: haha heyy! What brings u to the jersey shore? Business or pleasure?😜
Her: my husband got diagnosed with MS 15 years ago & I’ve been taking care of him but he told me last week he’s gay & taking advantage of me so I just needed a brea
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a man was holding up a sign “need money for groceries” so I gave him $2 & he asked if I wanted a note he wrote about science so I said sure & he handed me this
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happy 4 year wedding anniversary to my mom & stepdad 🤍 a day I’ll never forget bc my stepdads secretary approached him at the wedding & pointed to my date/current bf at the time & told him “Ive been fucking that dude for months, I had no idea he had a girlfriend” cheers!
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I don’t have the patience or energy to delete all of my old tweets. So as you go through them please keep in mind:
1. I’m woke now
2. I’m less annoying now
3. I wasn’t aware that the N word ending with A was bad until like 2 years ago
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I had no idea my coworker was recording me and she sent me this video of me taking a phone call LMAO
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happy birthday to the person who I’ve never once understood what he was talking about, @ByYourLogic #geminitwins
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Alana got hammered and spilled a family size wawa broccoli and cheddar soup in the back of my car
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Decided to text a gentlemen I have saved in my phone under “Nixk Wawa” and he remembered me on an intimate level
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y’all I am not married to a cop. I found that picture on facebook. it was a silly little joke! pls leave me alone
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Carl Gallagher is so hot. I mean this. Don't tell me how old he is please don't ruin this for me
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Well the girl that sucked her own blood out of a tampon has a bf and here I am getting matched with my brother on an online dating website.
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can dominos maybe not take 45 minutes to quality check my food? just bring it over i’ll eat it regardless if the quality
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