Ate a 300 mg Delta 9 edible after 4 years of drug sobriety and watched myself get murdered on loop thousands of times
621
3,255
134,532
9,263,760
Bella Hadid moved to my hometown to live with her rodeo stud boyfriend and every time she goes to Target they treat her like the Pope
215
2,852
122,502
7,845,243
Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night
119
2,922
97,759
2,863,700
Fast food isn’t skilled labor. Nothing is. Everything’s easy. Make me an air traffic controller, I’ll figure it out in two weeks
337
5,338
84,122
I’ll be damned if my son ever asks to go hunting. Get back in that room and don’t come out until you’re fucking gay
70
11,329
99,800
3,298,651
Impractical Jokers on the telly, just shaking my head and laughing at some of the things they have to say
77
4,316
74,319
2,364,187
Coworker left without saying goodbye on my last day and for a moment I forgot I’d started a rumor that he got AIDS from a dog
53
1,695
69,458
2,115,928
My beliefs are simple: let women drink coffee and look at a laptop for $120k. Let men ride around on a golf cart all day for $75k. Maybe non binary people can be DJs. And let all children work in a big Honda factory, building beautiful CRVs for their community
82
4,097
57,532
Bro you gotta try this high protein Caesar salad cold brew air fryer overnight oats recipe I found on Instagram
74
3,735
62,109
1,524,798
Say what you want about OJ but that was probably the last guy in the world named Orenthal
72
2,229
57,193
2,251,966
Ex-girlfriend from when I was 15 took me off Snapchat. Crazy how fast people grow apart…
28
1,573
52,236
1,349,354
(Adderall, 2 lbs of steak and enough nicotine to kill a horse flowing through my system) Yeah I get heart palpitations from anxiety
21
3,118
50,462
Am I scared of microplastics? I don’t know. Does the archer fear his bow? Or does he kiss each arrow goodbye as it marries the wind
68
7,221
49,740
1,815,668
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
55
2,470
48,296
1,841,101
Just saw Mark Hamill replying to a woman’s end-of-life care announcement with a gif of himself from Star Wars
159
731
45,548
2,809,140
When I use brown sugar instead of white it’s due to my unrefined nature and closeness to the earth, much like an eagle or bear
31
3,687
47,861
917,116
Saw BJ Novak at a grocery store today and accidentally looked at him like this
59
694
45,757
1,220,209
You know society is fucked because this dude should be guarding a dungeon right now
279
1,648
44,200
3,177,476
Grown up sized white baby I’m friends with: The way I be drinking this damn apple juice…ooh chile😂
Me: You can’t be talking like that White Baby.
55
11,901
43,363
When a guy likes musicals and he’s not gay it’s like alright let’s tone it down a little
119
1,293
46,347
1,445,024
There’s something off about the food at Starbucks. Like it came out of a printer. +1 HP type food. My cousin tried carrying a croissant out of the store and he woke up in a field where the crows hadn’t rendered yet
64
2,948
41,572
Just saw a porno bot on here with the same full name as my friend who died growing up. Like a rose petal in the wind…
28
1,168
41,789
991,424
Republicans: We need another civil war right now.
Democrats: Girl you gotta VOTE for it then💛💙
Nelly if he was a bullfrog: If you wanna come and eat a fly with me, swim around in the pond when we’re frisky, oh why do I love this lake (Hey! Bugs in my tummy!)
76
6,547
49,374
2,260,093
Just got laid off, which isn’t ideal. A real bummer. But it’s funny to imagine my boss flipping some burgers at a Memorial Day gathering and thinking to himself, you should tell him today
54
711
37,734
Older friend in college: Yo we should throw a function tonight. Serious
Stoner friend: Hell yeah dude. Ill bring the pot and bongs
Nerd: Ahhh maybe. Ive got a test tomorrow
Girl whos been fucking Caillou: Can Caillou come
48
3,580
46,679
Just a reminder: Drake won’t see your “harmless” joke, but your friend who’s actually dating a high schooler will.
35
2,407
33,375
1,137,542
Got rich from drunkenly eating McDonald’s all day, MeToo’d himself then died before 60. Perhaps the only true American man
38
1,941
31,754
2,034,837
Weed thoughts: I’m a fucking degenerate. I’m addicted to tortillas. That’s not cool guy shit
Alcohol thoughts: My love of history keeps every family warm at night
23
1,938
32,038
1,083,327
Put me in a human centipede situation and I’ll be cracking jokes, keeping morale up and staying focused on my goals
70
3,278
30,617
1,447,560
Sine, cosine, tangent…to a common man like myself, these words mean less than dirt. But in the hands of a mathematician? Let’s just say, things can get interesting.
45
1,504
28,558
Headline aside it’s cool how much he looks like Homer Simpson
Kanye West told wife Bianca Censori he wanted to sleep with her mom while she watched: lawsuit trib.al/P4kfufR
35
693
27,757
1,177,006
Been smiling thinking about a chimp getting home from a long day of work. Kisses the wife, hugs the kids. Cracks open that first banana and it makes a beer noise
27
2,817
31,339
1,124,129
Going down on a woman...well, it’s a complex art. The vagina, it’s got two parts: middle and edges. Me, I usually aim for the middle. Maybe if you want to mix it up, go for the edges. Either way they can’t feel it
75
1,559
25,372
Hasan invited me over and made me take my shirt off and eat a whole can of cat food “on stream” but I looked and his computer wasn’t even plugged in
28
531
24,924
Gay people should not be forced to work in coal mines. But could you even imagine the songs they’d come up with down there
45
1,429
24,804
Heartwarming: this Fort Worth police officer just took a knee and started sucking me off in front of the Cheesecake Factory
45
2,545
24,311
Having this many Chick Fil A reward points in Brooklyn feels like carrying around Confederate dollars
15
590
25,767
1,075,276
Two years drug free as of the other day. Not bad. Hasn’t made me more interesting or fun to be around but at least I’m in pain all the time
65
646
24,275
TikTok Dating Host: Tell the ladies about yourself.
Tom: I’m a cat, I’m gray, I like to chase mice, I love playing upright bass and fine dining.
[Balloons pop]
Girl Kitty: I’m sorry but I need me a cat from the alley
15
1,061
25,245
772,429
Been back on my Tony Soprano shit lately (gaining weight and alienating my family)
13
2,773
23,073
1,130,642
They call it “single use utensil” because it when you’re single, u’se going to using yo”u” plate for ten big bites and it’s ten silicious!
96
2,573
24,956
729,034
Making this hot girl listen to a full MF DOOM side project in my room and then asking her to leave
58
2,525
21,717
Can’t wait for John Fetterman to become the first U.S. senator to die from eating a smoke detector battery
38
961
23,132
404,611
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
51
648
22,310
738,926
Many of you townsfolk claim to be “on that merchant shit,” yet upon a simple day’s trip to the market, I have found none of your wares.
21
2,053
21,322
Men are no longer provided with cool options for passing away. We used to get lost at sea all the time. Big wolves, alligators, piranhas, quicksand. What am I left with. Heart disease? Let me walk the plank
40
1,491
21,410
Edgar Allen Poe after getting some: It was a cold and amazing night, and the wind was awesome.
16
1,443
22,400
456,725
Ight Pornhub y’all outta pocket for this😂
And also for knowingly hosting and profiting from a child sex trafficking ring
38
3,309
18,630
Another awesome day of being a school bus driver. Was so drunk I could barely see today, but I know those kids were smiling.
35
846
20,007
1,006,637
If I was the Polar Express conductor I would hit all the kids to create a tense environment
16
975
20,127
1,076,415
Having a career in manual labor is so sick honestly. “Got any plans for after you retire someday?” Yeah man I’m gonna die
41
850
18,795
Meek Mill: Grindin’ hard ‘til my knees shake. Bottle boys all in my room and they need that cream cake. Popped a molly, now my jeans ache. Came from nothing, all we ever knew was dream chase.
Rick Ross (Through tears): Lobster crab look so exquisite in the evening light
51
1,420
19,364
1,211,196
If an old lady at the store ever says you got pretty eyes she means she would have let you hit it raw 40 years ago
50
921
18,843
1,048,298
Every journalist: This lil piece is taking forever but it WILL be a masterpiece…send hugs :/
Finished article: Even the mere amazing flavor of the tantalizing food, entices one to eat it. And believe it or not, that delicious journey from plate to mouth, is only the beginning.
29
2,369
21,831
Soon as a bill goes to collections it’s not your problem anymore. There’s a guy in a suit whose job is to ask you for $100. He went to law school to learn how to be a bum. You’re a winner, you don’t talk to people like that anymore. Go buy a sandwich
40
2,665
21,415
Just failed a rep of 225 on bench for the first time in like two years (been sick) and when somebody pulled it off me I was so embarrassed I started implying I had cancer
49
570
18,260
