Stadtholder of the Netherlands, Mom
West Hollywood
- Tweets 60,684
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- Followers 85,160
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Betty White dying three weeks before she turned 100 is the final act of performer whose timing was always sharp, always unexpected, and even with the warmest of characters, always a little dangerous. No one else could live to 99 and so perfectly leave us wanting more.
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This is the Hilarious Ross Matthews.
If you’re not showing off your new President Trump tattoo for #PresidentsDay, then you’re not patrioting correctly. Sorry not sorry!
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Marianne Williamson is the only candidate bold enough to propose a witchcraft based health care system.
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He keeps saying "The witnesses who were there" about an event he says never happened.
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I was not emotional. Then I realized every day the First Lady will wake up in the White House, go to a community college, and teach people the reading and writing skills they need to change their lives. Now I’m crying.
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The symbol for women's bathrooms of a woman in a skirt is outdated and must be replaced by a stick figure of a person listening to a true crime podcast.
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If you think gays have gotten civil rights really quickly compared to other groups, I'd love to know when you think gay people were invented.
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I just saw Bohemian Rhapsody and learned you contract AIDS from lingering eye contact with unnamed male extras.
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When Sen. Susan Collins dies I hope she is placed in a pit of searing lava for all eternity with a very nice lady next to the pit who could pull her out and always considers pulling her out but never pulls her out.
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This bird is here to fuck your sexual binary.
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The idea that we need police to protect us from the real criminals is significantly undercut by those 400,000+ rape kits that have never been tested or investigated.
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Getting #morbidlyobese trending on twitter is a great way of ignoring the ongoing danger of Trump's presidency while reminding lots of other people on here that you barely think of us as human.
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The little girl on "Old Enough" who could not find the clock shop, then vowed to find the clock shop must win the Emmy.
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Deadly force is not a legal self defense against non-deadly force. You don’t get to shoot someone because they might break a window.
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We have formally made enough movies about how one time in the sixties a white person was nice. We can be done now.
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In talking about how cruelly @billyeichner, white, cis, rich, hot- or not-hot-enough-to-be-a-movie-star (depending on who's tweeting) demanded the queer community support his movie, a thing that is rarely mentioned is the rest of the cast.
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When Prince Harry talks about how everyone was envious of how good Meghan was at the job, it felt a bit aggrandizing. Then I saw this, and I realized, oh, no, Meghan has a skill set none of them have. Princess Anne isn't id-ing problems and creating brand partnership solutions.
The Duchess of Sussex has launched the Smart Works capsule collection in London.
The charity, of which Meghan is Patron, helps women to dress and prepare for interviews by providing them with key workwear essentials.
#DuchessOfSussex @SmartWorksHQ #MeghanMarkle
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This is very rough news for Laurie Metcalf, who has to go back to a career of winning Tonys and being nominated for Oscars.
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At the Oscars 20 years from now, I sincerely hope there's a dance number commemorating the anniversary of Will Smith slapping Chris Rock.
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Amy Coney Barrett not requesting her hearings be delayed until proper background investigations can be done and her failure to make full disclosures in the documents she has filed show a lack of regard for process that is disqualifying.
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Every straight dude stand-up who talks about how you should be able to joke about anything has something he doesn’t think you should joke about and I have the blocks to prove it!
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As we honor Irish twitter's magnificent work over the last day, let us take a moment to remember Derry Girls's chalk board of Catholic and Protestant differences, the greatest piece of comedy writing every produced.
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Jaws is about politicians captured by capitalism letting people die on July 4th rather than impose safety precautions which might depress the economy. Jaws is PROPHECY.
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In 1999, the first Chipotle in Minnesota opened and I went with the UofM Quiz Bowl team and every member of the team (except for me, a Californian) requested mild salsa except for one girl, who when asked which salsa she wanted said "No gravy, please."
This isn’t cute. Walz is being used as a clown to mock white people. If Walz doesn’t like spicy food that’s fine, but it has nothing to do with being a white guy.
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Oddly, I’m most excited that Karen Pence is being replaced by a Jewish entertainment lawyer.
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Things that white children do that are adorable become crimes when black and brown children do them. Crimes that create grounds for violence, searches, deportation and death. Think of all the times you broke the law in “harmless” ways and realize our skin color protects us.
So my little cousin was selling water and didn't have a permit so this lady decided to call the cops on an 8 year old. #PermitPatty
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Fox News is actually a benevolent charity that helps to alienate you from your parents in their senior years so it hurts a little less when they die.
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You’ve done it guys. You’ve saved democracy by saying Trump and Putin are gay for each other. The first 1000 times didn’t work, but your version was the final nail. You have humiliated them out of destroying democracy by saying they are like gay people. The union is safe.
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I cannot wait to see how these “Frozen II” antibacterial hand wipes continue the story I loved so much in the original Frozen anti-bacterial hand wipes.
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One of Justice Kavanaugh's arguments in his dissent is that even though tomatoes have the biological structure we normally associate with fruit, as a society we understand and treat tomatoes as vegetables, which I think is a much better argument for trans rights than against.
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Ruth Bader Ginsburg did the work of making a place for herself and all women in the Constitution before she was named one of its guardians. She is a framer of our nation as much as Madison or Jefferson. We must continue her work protecting and improving our nation.
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Pretending that homophobic jokes weren't part of mainstream discourse everyone participated in during the 90s and 2000s is dangerous and ahistorical. We all acted like trash, so let's accept that and move along.
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I just heard that Chuy Bravo, whom I worked with at Chelsea Lately, has passed away. To most people, he was just the funny little guy on TV, but he had one of the most amazing lives I've ever heard anyone talk about.
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Does someone want to text our other two branches of government? Just to see if they're still alive?
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Hey @FocusFeatures, release "Emma" for rental on iTunes this weekend and you will make a BILLION DOLLARS.
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It's three years in. It's time to consider the possibility that calling Trump fat and orange isn't the magic bullet you guys seem to think it is.
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Never forget Dirty Dancing is a movie about reproductive freedom made by an HIV+ director about a person finding freedom through enjoying their body. Dirty Dancing is GOOD and it is POLITICAL.
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Tim Walz watched Raphael Warnock with deep appreciation for someone who has deep faith in the Lord, and the gentle discomfort of any Lutheran seeing a person express that much emotion in public.
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Attention late night writers! LUIGI MANGIONE IS NOT A TWINK, HE IS A TWUNK. Twinks do not have turtle shell abs, that kind of shoulder development, or the capacity to shoot someone without crying or ketamine. If your boss pushes back, call me and I will fight with Jimmy/John/Seth
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Bragging about how you don't know who the Kardashians are is my least favorite posturing. Cultural illiteracy doesn't mean you're smart.
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If you oppose gay marriage and immigration to this country, you don't get farm to table dining. You picked a side in the culture wars, and it was the side without garlic scapes. cc: @PressSec
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Comedians should support each other and one way Dave Chapelle could support me more is by calling me a faggot less.
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One of the reasons we criminalize sex work is so sex workers do not have recourse to government protection when they are threatened or attacked. We criminalize classes of workers to make them more exploitable.
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Some comedians want to tell jokes that all the world can laugh at together. I want to tell jokes that will make nine women with graduate degrees feel skewered through the heart with the realization they are not alone in this world. Potato, potahto.
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Our boldest comics have NO FEAR of getting cancelled for saying something non-PC but somehow have TOTAL FEAR of saying "you should stop dating 16 year olds" or "you should not masturbate in front of our colleagues" to their dear friends and associates.
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I am very, very tired of everyone who behaves as though they have always been on the right side of justice. We’ve all said terrible things, we’ve all punched down. Being an adult capable of self-criticism and growth is way more valuable than imagining yourself pure.
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I've had a bottle of wine and just started "Love, Actually" so I'll be tweeting angrily about the Laura Linney plotline in about 50 minutes.
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Am I not supposed to mention that the man who goes on Biggest Loser and yells at fat people about how they’re gonna have heart attacks has had more heart attacks than me? Is that in bad taste?
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This is the traditional time when the pope-elect tells the dean of the college of cardinals that he is intersex.
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We need a definition of the founders of our democracy that has space to include people like Stacey Abrams and Dolores Huerta as much as Madison or Hancock. The work of forming our democracy is ongoing, and the stories we tell about it should acknowledge that.
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Sea Shanties are workers songs about collective action. It is not a coincidence they are having a moment.
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We don't often talk about this, but killing a gay man or trans woman is still NOT MURDER in 48 states. Please remember that the law still considers killing LGBT people to be a normal reaction to us, and support politicians who will help change these laws.
“Gay panic” and “trans panic” defenses are used in court to excuse crimes such as murder by arguing that the victim’s sexual orientation or gender identity provoked the defendant’s violent reaction. @RepJoeKennedy and I have introduced legislation to ban this hateful practice.
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I have appreciated all the articles about how allergies, the flu and corona have similar symptoms, but would really love to also have an article that reminds me the reason I feel weird is probably because I've been drinking red wine since 9am.
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The idea that sex is only valid when it produces children, that relationships are only wholesome when they result in parenthood is dangerous to queer people and people with uteruses. The Supreme Court and Texas are perpetuating that story. We gotta stop telling that story.
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"Prince Harry did Dax Shepherd's Podcast" is proof our planet is being ruled by a cursed Cards Against Humanity deck from 2014.
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The danger of casting gay or trans people in your gay or trans story is you might end up inadvertently making the character three-dimensional and human.
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Unlike most comedians, I have not been encouraging my fan base to vote because my fan base is entirely composed of research librarians, hyper-competant young professional women, and gay guys whose offices could not function without them. They've got a voting plan.
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What's so shocking about this is the idea that there'd be a woman in an episode of "Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee"
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Once at a gay bar in London I leaned over to the meanest looking girl in the bar, a stranger, and asked “Why does every twink in here have a backpack?” She said “They’re all on their way to Berlin.” Always talk to the meanest looking girl in a gay bar.
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The improvisational curfews are unconstitutional because the lack of notice violates the due process clause which should be a real comfort for everyone white enough to survive an arrest and rich enough to afford a civil rights attorney.
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Juliana Margulies is a powerful reminder that we have given straight people too many GLAAD media awards.
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JD Vance just accused a Minneapolis Star Tribune journalist of not being local to Eau Claire, which is a fundamental failure to understand how I-94 works.
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My grandma got pregnant at 15 in 1946, she got married 3 months later to a man who abused her. My mom got pregnant at 18 in 1970, she got married three months later to a man who abused her. I don't think we need to keep shaming teen girls into major life choices. #HarrisWalz
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While we talk about the dynamics of race @bonappetit, and Sohla El-Waylly's bravery calling them out, let's also remember how excluded Blackness and African Amercanness were from the test kitchen.
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Greta Gerwig continues to make perfect movies that are unrepentantly feminine and the major awards continue to say "You are not the winner, but you can be the winner's sister or nurse!" to her.
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Billy Graham said he thought AIDS was a judgement of god upon the gays. Well who’s alive and who’s dead now, buddy?
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Isn't it interesting that so many people successful in comedy are descended from exceedingly wealthy families. Truly, this pure meritocracy is full of lots of coincidences.
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There are certain historical figures who don’t fit comfortably within the boundaries of heterosexuality but who also did not leave adequate foundation to fully label LGBTQIAA+, and one of those is Sebastian the Crab.
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As we slog through the fetid discourse around sketch comedy and female attractiveness, I want to remind everyone that the Kids in the Hall never made drag the joke, they built CHARACTERS, and Dave Foley was so consistently hot in drag, Newsradio did an episode about it.
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Regular mass murder is a small price to pay to keep the equipment we need for hog hunting readily available.
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Asking everyone to work from their Masturbatorium for seven months was bound to have unintended consequences.
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Many established comedians are spending the bulk of their time being angry that jokes that were hack-but-dependable in 2005 don't work anymore.
Try writing new jokes.
I mean, I haven't, but at least I'm not angry about it.
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If you're saying this was a mess, yes, fighting against people without morals gets messy. Biden's fighting hard, somebody's got to.
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If people stopped tossing the word “Orwellian” around we might realize just how Huxleyan our world has gotten.
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It's very beautiful to see people in the gay community honoring and remembering Matthew Shepard on the 20th anniversary of his death, but I remember that around the time of his death another gay man, Billy Jack Gaither, was also brutally murdered.
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Why can't you just respectfully accept my opinion that you do not have the right to have opinions and should be politically ignored and denigrated. Let's agree to disagree about whether you're a person!
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My stance on wearing masks in public is heavily influenced by my belief that veils add drama.
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White people are weaponizing "I feel threatened". It's been very effectively used to let white men murder black men, or have white women use the police to kill black men. "I feel threatened" is a plausible excuse before a jury. A way you can help is SERVE JURY DUTY.
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Whatever you think of Mayor Pete, our gay people who live in small towns & red states are doing something brave & important we city gays conveniently avoid.
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Chris Rock making an argument for Term Limits on an episode of SNL where the Presidential candidates are played by people who first appeared on SNL in 1996 and 1998.
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Also acknowledge that @billyeichner held the door open for a lot of other, diverse queer people, and this movie doing poorly at the box office limits the opportunities which will be in our future.
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People who say political correctness is killing comedy are really just saying they miss being able to call me a fag without being questioned
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