Stand up special “Funny You Should Say That” is now worldwide ONLY on @netflixisajoke. “Mr.D”. Host of @familyfeudca. “Templeton” on @FOXtv.
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As I gear up for my new @netflix special taping next week, here is a clip from my last special over 10 years ago.
“GRADE 1 PRESENTATIONS”
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Not all kids who play hockey are boys. Not all kids who play hockey are white. Not all kids who play hockey are bullies. Not all kids who play hockey are rich. Just want to make sure everyone knows this.
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When we all received that amber alert last night, a little girl, in the care of her father, was about to be murdered. By her father. On her birthday. I can’t grasp this. Some of you lost some sleep because of the sound of the alert. But, you woke up. Unlike her. RIP Riya 🙏
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Carey Price is a future Hall of Fame goaltender. There are lots of amazing moments in his career and I’m sure there are more to come.
But when I think of him, I always think of this moment he had with a young fan who had just lost his mother.
Be well, Carey.
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Hey @AirCanada, I’m sitting on flight 1677 from Orlando to Toronto and one of your flight attendants (named Nick) literally held an older man (who was a bit confused) by the hand and walked him to his seat. It was very sweet and you should know.
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YES!! Please hurry!! These igloos are freezing and our nearest neighbour is 4 kilom-sorry, 2.48 miles away. We are lonely and bored and could use some razzle-dazzle. Thanks.
Many Canadians are giddy at the prospect that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle could be moving to Canada, injecting some razzle dazzle to the sprawling, bone-chillingly cold country. nyti.ms/309RJhP
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TEACHERS,
DM me a ZOOM link and a time TODAY & TOMORROW you have a remote class happening & I will jump on and chat to your students. Gives you a little break!
Will get to as many as I can.
I won't tell you ahead of time so just let me in if you see me waiting. DM's open!
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I hope @MapleLeafs fans go nuts on Saturday when Tavares steps on the ice. When he touches the puck. When he scores. Because we owe it to him. Let’s remind him that he made a great decision to play here. Spread the word!! We got your back JT. #LeafsNation
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GOLFERS: After you hit the green, your first order of business is to look and see if you made a ball mark. If you did, you fix it. If you didn’t, look for another ball mark and fix it for the idiot who didn’t. That’s it. That’s the tweet.
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Shout to all the teachers heading back to school next week. It won’t be easy. Please look after yourselves. And thank you!
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The Blue Jays should just find a big field somewhere and build a baseball diamond. The other teams will come. I’ve seen this work before.
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Every day of school should start with a mandatory 20 minutes of aerobic activity. Every day. For every student. A jog, a bike, a swim. Something to make them sweat. For many, it’s the only exercise they will do all day. Not sure how education system hasn’t figured this out yet.
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They told me, “you’ll never get Roy”. But, I saw him walking out of the dugout so I yelled his name. He stopped, came over and I got to interview him. It was a side of him we rarely saw. He was so nice and so real. I will never forget it. #RIPDocHalladay
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Every teacher in Canada should show a John Candy movie tomorrow. Kids need to laugh more in school. They have so much stress on them these days. A John Candy film would be perfect.
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I have been a Leafs fan my whole life. I often hear, “we have the best fans in the world”. Not a chance. First of all, we have the quietest rink in the league. Now we are booing our players. “Best fans in the world” are loud at home games. And they don’t boo players on a whim.
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My brother coached Zach Hyman when he was around 10, 11, 12 years old for a few years.
It was a stacked team. Skinner, Balisy, McFarland, Smith-Pelley and Toffoli to name a few.
Hyman was not even close to being the best player. Not even close.
But, my brother said he was always the hardest worker. Every practice, every shift, every game. Always.
People thought he was only on the team because his dad was involved in hockey. He had to listen to that every year. But it never fazed him.
He epitomizes what hard work is. Look at him now.
The best 10, 11, or 12 year old is not always the best 25 or 30 year old. Remember that kids. Work hard.
Congrats Zach.
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I had never been to Nova Scotia prior to attending St. FX. I didn’t even know how to say Antigonish, let along point it out on a map. I ended up meeting my wife there, having a child there and filming a TV show there. My in laws all live there. The people make Nova Scotia.
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Today was my last day on @mrd_on_cbc. So many people to thank but I must start with my wife who supported me through all 8 seasons while holding down the fort with the kids. My pillar. So many memories. So many great people. Thank you @CBC for this amazing ride. #MrDFinalSeason
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I love how people complain that teachers get too many breaks. Yet, all of you, including me, either can’t wait for the breaks to end or we throw them in camps when they are home. And that’s with 1-4 kids. Imagine having 34. Enjoy your March Break teachers.
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CANADIANS: May 4: “I can’t believe how cold out it is. It’s May for crying out loud”. May 25: “Why is it so hot out? It’s not even June yet!!”
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For all you teachers that put comments on our kid’s report cards over the years like, “a pleasure to teach” or “works well with others”, you’re full of shit!
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#BecauseOfATeacher I was able to attend the hockey team tournament in Montreal. My parents couldn’t afford it so he paid for it himself. A few years ago he appeared at one of my shows by himself. He didn’t tell me he was coming.
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I’m going to Italy and driving around town with a Canadian flag attached to my car while I honk my horn.
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Anyone know when the travel ban to the USA will be lifted so we can go get vaccinated there?
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Go @MapleLeafs!! I will be watching the game tonight.
Just like Cole Caufield.
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Good morning, @fordnation. Any chance you could announce a change to outdoor activities today. Like, golf.
Asking for a million friends.
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Tortorella healthy scratches Kevin Hayes for a game.
Hayes gets voted into All-Star game.
Tortorella says he doesn’t give a shit about the All-Star game.
Imagine making it the NHL and this is the kind of coach you get.
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It’s official. @timandsid have challenged @JayAndDan to a Feud on @FamilyFeudCa. It’s @Sportsnet VS @TSN. Who should fill out the “families” on each team.
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A typical day for phys-ed teachers playing floor hockey with their grade 2 class.
Describe this @cmcdavid97 goal in one word 🤯 cbc.ca/1.6239542
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Most golf courses in Ontario haven’t even opened yet, how can they possibly be contributing to increased numbers? So we are closing golf courses before they open to prevent further spread at golf courses?
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Dear golf courses around the world, stop charging kids for range balls at tournaments. It’s embarrassing.
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My 13 year old daughter shot 77 today at The National Golf Club of Canada. If you’re a golfer, you know that’s not easy to do.
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If I ever threw a second place medal over the glass in front of millions of people like that, my dad would have walked on the ice and thrown me over the glass to go get it. #WorldJuniors
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“Get outside as much as you can. Just don’t do outdoor activities.” -The Ontario Government.
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Joey Moss should go into the Hockey Hall of Fame. I hope this happens. #RIPJoeyMoss
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AMERICA: 100,000 maskless fans at every football game sitting right beside each other.
CANADA: We can’t serve popcorn at movie theatres.
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There are a lot of things I am proud of. Being Canadian is at the top of that list. Happy Birthday 🇨🇦.
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Eugene Melnyk just threw his fan base under the bus. Perhaps, the same bus you have to take to get to the next bus which takes you to the third bus that takes you to the games. #Senators.
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My 87 year old father doesn’t have the best memory right now so I’m making a fortune off of him betting on all these old Masters tournaments that are being re-aired.
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Thanks to all the teachers and students who let me visit their on-line classes yesterday & today. It was such a pleasure to meet as many of you as I did. Stay safe everyone.
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Thinking of all the @HumboldtBroncos today. Past & present. And to Brayden and Derek, know that your former teammates, coaches, trainers & their families are so proud of you for returning to represent your fallen teammates and the players who are not able to return. Good luck
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When my daughter was 7, we went to a friends wedding where my wife was a bridesmaid. As she was walking up the aisle of the church, my daughter asked, “who is that man holding mommy’s arm?” I said, “that’s your new daddy”. She cried. Then we laughed and laughed. Well, I laughed.
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No back to school tomorrow. So, if any of you have kids who are aspiring actors, writers, or comedians send me a message with their name and phone number and I will do my best to give them a call and answer any questions they may have. My DM’s are open!
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I was as at a competition last night. All the kids were great BUT, there were 8 schools competing. They awarded 2 schools the bronze medal, 3 schools the silver medal and 3 schools the gold medal. CAN WE PLEASE STOP DOING THIS. It’s okay to tell kids what place they came in.
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RT if you remember being in grade school and hiding the "good stick" so you could grab it next class when you played floor hockey again.
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How about a new mandatory course in high school called “EVERYDAY STUFF 101”. Cursive writing, spelling, money management, manners, sending and answering emails, public speaking, learn about compassion and humility. Over and over until they master it. That’s the course!
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Dear golf courses in Canada, please open extra early this year. Close the clubhouses but open the courses.
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Can’t believe my mom used to put unwashed coins in my birthday cake and pancakes and never told me until I was half choking on one. The 80’s were crazy!
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Now let’s get that pro women’s hockey league in place for these Olympians and future Olympians to play in and prepare for. One with proper pay and proper support.
It’s way overdue.
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Hey gas stations, can you put the little clip back on the pump so we don’t have to hold the nozzle. In time for winter would be great. Thanks.
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And he ends it with, “Thanks dad, love ya”. Awesome moment.
This father/son interview exchange between @LouDeBrusk and @JDebrusk is just too good 😂 nitter.app/mkmolnar/status/123031…
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Typical day of eating for me:
8am-10am: oatmeal and a coffee.
12 noon: Smoothie and a yogurt.
4pm-6pm: Some chicken or steak with salad.
8pm-11pm: Bag of chips, 8 mini chocolate bars, some ice cream, a Dr. Pepper, more chips, any cookie I can find, gummy bears.
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Hey young people, just wanted to let you know that when you turn 50, you can literally throw your neck, back, hip, knee, nose, and shoulder out by simply taking a step. Plan accordingly.
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Father’s Day and Mother’s Day are always tough when you have lost a parent.
The 1st one is always the toughest.
Thinking of all the sons and daughters out there who are missing their dads today. Especially those going through their 1st Fathers Day without them.
🙏♥️
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If Montreal beats Toronto tonight, I will run naked through the streets of Montreal tomorrow night at 8:01 pm.
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This is Maari.
She was my assistant on Mr.D. Fresh out of @stfxuniversity in this photo from 2016.
Such and amazing person. So kind to my wife and kids. So helpful to me.
She’s in the fight of her life right now. I would ask you to keep her in your thoughts & prayers. ❤️🙏
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I called a bunch of duct cleaning companies 100 times this week to see if they needed a comedian.
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Go @MapleLeafs.
Wearing my 2021 Foligno jersey. My 1990 Foligno jersey is too small for some reason.
YOU WATCHING! #foreverblue
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🧵
Here’s my @JoeyVotto story.
I’ve never told this to anyone to respect his privacy.
He said he was fine if I told it.
It will tell you a lot more about the kind of person Joey is. An amazing baseball player but an equally amazing person in more ways than one. (1/9)
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WALTER GRETZKY:
2011, I’m booked to perform at the Halifax Progress Club dinner. I get picked up with Walter already in the car. He asks what I do. I tell him I’m a comedian. He then tells me jokes for 45 minutes on the way to the hotel. Joke after joke. Non stop. Rapid fire.
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My daughter starts grade 9 Spanish today at school. She doesn’t know a word of Spanish. I just texted her this…
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Just spoke to a buddy of mine who has family in Sweden. His mom owns a convenience store there. William Nylander’s aunt shops there and her husband told my buddy’s aunt that he is going to sign with the Leafs today. So there you go. You heard it here first. Nylander is back
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Mark Giordano wasn’t taken in the NHL draft. Or the OHL draft. Never give up. Congrats Mark.
It was nearly unanimous: Gio earned 96% of the first-place Norris votes. cflam.es/31Ipg2X
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Don’t just give your mom a gift tomorrow or flowers or a card. Sit her down, grab her hands, look her in the eyes and tell how much she means to you. Because the day will come when you can’t and you didn’t and you will wish you could. Miss you mom! XX #HappyMothersDayWeekend
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REMINDER: Bars are closing early tonight at 11:00 pm.
At 11:01 pm, Covid enters the bar so be sure to get out in time.
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My dad had to get admitted to the hospital for a few days before Christmas. He’s back home and fine.
I don’t know what nurses get paid but please pay them A LOT.
Merry Christmas everyone.
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Olympic athletes (and their parents) amaze me. Thousands of hours over 4 years (usually early in the morning) to prepare for a moment that lasts secs/mins with no guarantee of making any money. If I ran a company, these are the people I would hire. #OlympicWinterGames #GoCanadaGo
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