the talent manager of every big billy bass singing fish. contact for bookings
nyc
- Tweets 4,394
- Following 928
- Followers 4,919
- Likes 30,413
gay person: I’m gay
straight person: I’m straight
bi person: I’m bisexual
my roommate who texts me every time he’s gonna cook an onion:
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thinking about when I visited LA at 16 and tried to take tumblr photos in front of this “aesthetic blue building”
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me: I fucking hate being told what to do
me when cha cha slide comes on: left foot two stomp
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my millennial therapist said she heard another therapist say “when you look at someone through rose colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags” and it took my whole heart not to tell her she was quoting bojack horseman
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the first half of anora
do you guys knows a movie that feels like this nitter.app/oplivio/status/1712875…
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god….the men you put in this earth to hunt are smoking cuban cigar flavored knockoff elf bars
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We need an alcohol heavy straight space for adults with lots of friends to meet each other 👏
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what I wanted for christmas as a kid:
-american girl doll
-ipod shuffle
-not socks or underwear
what I want for christmas now:
- consistent happiness
- external validation
- socks and underwear
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say what you will about the girls who majored in nursing because of greys anatomy and have “but first, coffee” stickers on their macbook but they’re gonna be the ones pulling the plug when you’re on your deathbed
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whenever you feel discouraged by your dating life, just remember that I took a big billy bass singing fish to prom
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can’t belive they made an entire movie about a guy who’s only power is to quickly identify any song just by hearing it
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popsicles are the most stressful dessert b/c their whole premise is “what if you were sucking dick but it was a race against time”
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skater boys:
-wears crusty dickies and ratty tee shirt
-will take you to dingy house show
-smokes a pack of marlboros a day
-too straight
ice skater boys:
-wears butt hugging spandex unitards
-will take you to olympics
-smokes the competition on the rink
-delightfully bi
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the fall of james charles has caused a stronger, more influential gay icon to rise like a phoenix from the ashes
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I listen to it out of sociological fascination. like being in a bar bathroom stall and eavesdropping on the drunk girls in there
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ansel elgort in the fault in our stars with a juul dangling from his mouth: it’s a metaphor hazel grace- you want a hit tho?? this metaphor is mango flavored baybee
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I hate nyc halloween what do you mean you’re the first avenue L train station pizza rat from 2015
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tf do people in the midwest even do? watch america’s got talent, eat microwave meals, and die??
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if a croissant could move would it fly like the star wars millennium falcon or walk on its hind legs
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if you only want to fuck the green m&m you are a simpleton. the brown m&m is an intellectual and not like other girls
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this quarantine feels like when percy jackson was stuck in the casino where years passed but it just felt like one long continuous day. also poker face was playing
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I love it when guys on dating apps aren’t afraid to hold an adorable puppy in their profile pic. finding a quality taxidermist is tough these days
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girls after mildly brushing against me in a crowded place: ohmygod I am SO SORRY
guys after basically body slamming me while walking by:
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ok I just found out that danny devito HAS A DAUGHTER?? this woman wakes up everyday with danny devito as her biological father. could you IMAGINE
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it’s never blood transfusions with your teenage son that gets you past 100 it’s literally full sugar coke and cigs
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how do couples that get married at 19 make it work?? is it just like “hey mom, i’m going over to my husbands house, be back for dinner!!”
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high school theater girls giving it their all to make a stage kiss between them and the gay lead seem believable
Alex Goldschmidt
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if your girl wears forever 21 you single to me... tf is she gonna do? tell me “𝕴 𝖉𝖔𝖓’𝖙 𝖈𝖆𝖗𝖊, 𝖎’𝖒 𝖌𝖊𝖙𝖙𝖎𝖓𝖌 𝖙𝖆𝖈𝖔𝖘”??
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disney better make a live action version of ratatouille next. a real rat dosen’t play remy- instead, we see danny devito on all fours scuttle across a kitchen floor fully nude
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this image just beat me up in a walmart parking lot while wearing cookie monster pajama pants
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logan lerman looks like the only chill guy in his frat who you can put your cup down around and will help you move
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buying all the helium in 2022 so this guy is forced to choose another medium
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fun fact: michael jordan is the same person as michael b jordan because the b stands for basketball
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local white girl humor is limited to jokes about their iced coffee addiction and calling each other crackheads
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juul me one shame on you
juul me twice shame on me
juul me three times shame on your sweet mother who’s already delt with your fathers debilitating nicotine addiction and dosen’t need round two from her 16 year old stepson
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he takes pics of himself smoking crack like a teen posting bong rip videos on snapchat
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