my bank blocked my card because of a security threat. it was me, buying a mattress, at 2 am. i am my own biggest threat
582
32,455
458,304
my boyfriend and i go to Taco Bell. what do you want i ask him. a baja blast? no. he gets down on one knee. i want something that will baja last. will you marry me? they ring the taco bell. we live happily ever after mas.
669
32,448
321,910
oh don’t worry im fully vaccinated im just coughing uncontrollably because i choked on my own saliva
210
33,070
281,590
get to work
US government will run out of money by October 18, Treasury secretary says cnn.it/2ZuTmtY
181
39,055
248,890
if everyone drops one thing they learned in therapy we can all gain insight from this thread
6,146
44,186
235,043
imagine thinking cooking is a feminine role. just boil the water bradley you useless piece of shit
176
28,782
214,595
boys. please wear short shorts. your long shorts make you look like a Home Depot 2x4
658
18,539
208,557
everyone wears crosses and i just feel like y’know maybe jesus probably doesn’t like crosses, all things considered
266
16,001
175,394
customer: can i get seven bees
petshop owner: of course
customer: wait, you gave me eight
petshop owner: that’s a freebie :)
146
17,429
134,654
there’s this huge debate over breastmilk or formula, my baby drinks baja blast, and she fucking loves it
119
10,077
112,316
connecting my necklace clasp when im already in a rush on the verge of tears
62
8,578
102,969
3,575,259
the way i text my bf throughout the day is similar to a 3rd grade summer essay. i went for a walk. i had something to eat. it was good. i feel happy. i had a good time. i saw a bird
138
7,431
89,289
2,851,067
“you got this. you can work 5 days. you can do this for the rest of your life until you die.”
89
16,814
88,272
Being super smug about the TikTok ban not affecting me because I waste 8 hours on my phone in other superior ways
69
9,113
87,014
2,066,912
hate that my mask covers my nose ring, now how will people know i have a personality?
128
11,579
77,585
just want to tell all the sad young people out there, don’t lose hope. it gets a lot worse, so lose hope later
72
8,383
58,830
g6 chemical has been found in the covid vaccine. side effects include gettin slizzard
33
7,172
45,988
Twitter sucks so much, but randomly there are such funny tweets, so I wait, like a frog, for one delicious fly
30
4,076
40,835
866,476
(trying to make light conversation) did you know that one serving of gogurt is 3 tubes? a lot of people would think one tube, but you can actually have three. three tubes, if you want
15
1,531
21,350
758,308
anything is possible if you just ̶b̶e̶l̶i̶e̶v̶e̶ ̶ receive generational wealth and never pay taxes
8
2,673
19,316
i caught a glimpse of a crocheted ravioli pillow with a smiley face and before i got the chance to adore, my twitter REFRESHED. what did i do to deserve this? why me?
41
289
19,364
512,412
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
127
1,915
18,470
hydroflask this, stanley cup that. i need an upside down water bottle i can screw to the side of my bed and drink from at 3 am like a gerbil
24
3,484
18,244
559,385
if he tells you how to turn on a grill because he thinks you can’t is that mansplaining or gaslighting
60
901
17,464
how did they figure out which mushrooms are good in pasta and which ones do the thing
86
1,158
14,092
Me: One day you will inherit all of these priceless heirlooms
My dumbass kid: These are vape pens
Me: They’re the family juuls
31
1,639
13,036
therapy where we sit and eat pasta and talk about our trauma, called Penne for Your Thoughts
27
1,472
12,866
it’s perfectly reasonable to spend several hundred dollars at 2 am. i don’t walk into your home and spy on you in the wee hours of the night, mr moneybank man
12
356
12,357
Come on skinny love, just last the year
Pour a little salt, we were never here
11
628
13,058
274,134
twitter is a fridge i keep opening and it does have stuff inside but I DONT WANT THIS yuck yuck yuck
9
1,076
11,899
212,048
he texts you “come over” and you do, expecting nothing, but he surprises you with dinner. and dessert. he doesn’t look at his phone once. you’re happy. he then asks if you want to see his favorite Top 10 Epic Fails Compilation on YouTube. you watch. it’s epic. then you go home.
24
528
10,874
charcuterie boards are really great because it’s like what if we had an appetizer but we were squirrels
3
863
11,076
344,388
just invested in some stocks. chicken and vegetable. going to be a high yield year for soup
12
1,253
10,924
386,355
reading for pleasure implies the existence of reading for pain and that’s why we’re all on twitter
20
1,899
10,228
imagine your card gets declined and you don’t have healthcare so they just let you die. oh wait that’s America
20
1,285
10,066
if i did go to therapy i would probably need a second therapist to go to after and talk about how i think my first therapist secretly hates me
19
657
7,999
my family is building a puzzle instead of giving me attention. good luck finishing it without the three corner pieces i ate
13
472
7,409
not to be a bitch but can we manufacture yogurt cups that don’t tip over with the spoon in them when they’re empty
36
462
7,290