FAKE “GAMERS”
- fortnite
- red dead redemption
- fallout
- super smash brothers
REAL GAMERS
- roller coaster tycoon
- zoo tycoon
- 2048
- nytimes crossword app
- google drive
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the last time i went to urgent care i checked off “excessive crying” on the symptom list and the nurse got really confused and told me that was meant for babies
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customers love to tell you how crazy it is that you are still open and working at the bagel store as they come into the bagel store to purchase bagels
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insane to know that there is free serotonin floating around in my brain and my receptors are like hm...none for me thanks
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not to be that person that’s always asking what the fuck is wrong with adult men but has anyone figured out what the fuck is wrong with adult men
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a haunted house for white men where they just get held accountable for their actions
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love it when landlords say you can't sign a lease until you have a job. you first babe ❤️
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do you ever think about how they uncovered a massive child sex trafficking operation that implicated many of the world's most powerful people and institutions and the man at its center was definitely murdered and people talk about it less than the time trump said Covfefe
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I work across the street and all of these children are evil and do not tip a cent
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cool that ariana grande forgives her exes. also cool that every day I relish in the memory of mine calling, furious, asking why i let him believe björk was pronounced “bork” for 2 years and that he just embarrassed himself at a party
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stop saying "braver than the troops", an imperialist country terrorizing a poor one isn't brave. you know what's brave? girls who shoplift from sephora
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once i asked my little brother if he had a girlfriend he said “im only eight I can’t even do the worm yet”
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Showing up to the house of my mom who just got a mastectomy and confiscating her woman card
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until yesterday i sincerely held a false memory that grimes and elon musk quietly broke up like a year ago....We Tell Ourselves Stories In Order To Live
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the gay cousin, the face piercing cousin, and the cousin always going out for Walks are all very difficult positions to occupy and i think it’s very brave of me to take care of all three
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i just licked soup off my hand in the subway and a woman asked me why i was flirting with her boyfriend
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doctors prescribing SSRIs are like "you just havent found the right strain yet bruh"
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my landlord just interrupted me with the phrase “i know you’re about to start rambling about the mayor’s guidelines and your rights”
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when you are 22 the world asks you: do you want a fake email job and permanently detach from your body or do you want a fake service job and forget that you own a brain this is forever btw
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This is why you've got to keep staying sexy as a girl. Set your alarm to wake up before him so that you can fix your hair and makeup and "wake up" next to him looking like a goddess in your push-up bra.
Don't ever get comfortable!
Community note
This is a stolen image, and this tweet is rage-bait.
pinterest.com/pin/1046101819…
nitter.app/filleissue/sta
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crazy coincidence that many of the workers deemed too essential to stay home perform some of the most underpaid and undervalued jobs? while their bosses are non-essential enough to stay home? haha crazy...
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you are not the daughter of the witches they couldn’t burn. you are the daughter of the senior VP of consumer lending at a mid-sized regional bank
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most deranged part of being in ♥️ is seeing any two animals or inanimate objects near each other and immediately thinking “that is literally us”
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if ur dating an egirl ur single to me....... what’s ⚔️ 𝔪𝔞𝔡𝔦𝔰𝔬𝔫 ⚔️ gonna do, post soccer mommy lyrics?
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the median net worth of a black family in boston is $8
Boston is a city that rejects racism and bigotry in all its forms. We are a community that stands for social, economic, and racial justice.
I am grateful to our local athletes for being a role model for the rest of the country. bostonglobe.com/2020/08/27/s…
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it’s so funny when arts students are mean to baristas.. what on earth do you think you’ll be doing in 2-4 years my darling!
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the sex strike is very clearly just straight women wanting an excuse to not fuck their boyfriends and i, for one, think we should let them have this
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i wish i lived in the ‘50s when psychologists would have lobotomized me instead of now when they just want to sell me books with swear words in the title about how putting on makeup is mental health
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solving the incel problem by starting a matchmaking service where i set every undateable guy up with a girlboss blogger who exclusively has sex with men she hates so she can mine them for content. i will go on to receive the 2027 Nobel Peace Prize
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anyways, why did defining the manic pixie dream girl trope lead to accusing every girl of emulating it rather than, i don’t know, calling out guys who think every single woman’s personality is an intentionally-crafted performance
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once my little brother said “i think rachel has some ‘tism” and my dad was like “Stop it. She was just meant for the sea.”
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since the last time i saw him, my 13 year old brother has started doing this “beer guy” bit. he just told me that it’s good that i am having a porter with my squash because of the autumnal chocolatey notes even though he usually goes for Belgian pale lagers himself. what the fuck
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a man should NEVER control what i do with my body. unless it’s remy from ratatouille pulling my hair . he’s cool
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name one mental health professional that could teach me as much about emotional intimacy as a Trader Joe’s cashier
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always thinking about how the US Geological Survey couldn’t classify this bee so they put its genus and species into their official government files as “bee cute furry face”
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every time my teeth fall out in my dreams i think "wow. my teeth always fall out in my dreams. and now it's happening for real"
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A boston dad on the street just pointed at me and audibly said to his kids “That’s what a hipster looks like”
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“hunter biden is so hot” “amy coney barrett is so hot” have none of you seen a human adult before
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me: i’d like to request No More Depression
my antidepressants: hmm....what about instead, vivid dreams where you’re on the great british bake-off but get distracted by your burgeoning romance with rahul, then sidney gish guest judges and becomes your best friend
me: that’s fine
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u can tell when a b*tch was allowed to sing the national anthem at one too many assemblies
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i hate when nonbinary people are referred to as “gender-neutral”. i am gender-chaotic and you will respect that
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There is a natural order. Baristas are supposed to undercharge you if you are young and gay looking/pierced and you are supposed to be nice and tip back. God frowns when you upset this
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They should invent a CVS or maybe Target in a city where you can take an item off a shelf and purchase it
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“coworker” as pejorative is capitalist anti-solidarity psyop…you could never make me hate my Fellow Worker, even if they listen to a lot of boygenius or whatever
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Fuck these bitches for making me unable to ever journal without performing for some hypothetical future reader. I hate you
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my dad was sad i didn’t think it was safe to go home and see him, so instead he is having me send him photos of every shitty meal i make and hyping them up
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whenever i meet someone that was also too into tumblr in 2013, we both feel it but neither of us say anything
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therapy is expensive, being friends with married lesbians in their 30s who tell me i’m doing great is free
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a military recruiter just called me and when i told him i wasn’t interested, he asked me “where are you getting your information? the 𝘮𝘦𝘥𝘪𝘢?”
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my dad sends me every message through text and facebook messenger to make sure i get it
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remember when Ruth Bader Ginsberg was nominated for an MTV movie award for “best fight” against inequality and lost to Captain Marvel
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got catcalled today while carrying an entire bookshelf by myself and crying a little bit. It’s nice to know some people still appreciate strong and emotionally complex women
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you are free to not tip and im free to think you’re annoying for that and the world will keep turning
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so annoying when people ramble about the law and their rights I get where he’s coming from
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aziz ansari has made no contributions to comedy, but huge contributions to the public knowledge that any grown man who talks in baby voice is a little rat freak
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Do you know how humiliating it is to have your rights violated by someone named Tripp?
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the alt-j guy really said “i want to turn you inside out and lick you like a crisps packet” and we all, collectively, let him
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stimulants and depressants are like eyeliner. you just add a little more to each side until eventually it’s even
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being into capitalism must be so lonely. imagine not getting a kiss on the head from karl marx’s ghost every night : /
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could a depressed person do This (drops out of school and moves to massachusetts to pursue farming)
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just came from the socialism meeting, we all voted and every little boy is going to get a tea set for nonreligious winter holiday and every little girl is going to get a functional gun and bullets and every theychild will get a Zune. this will be with your tax dollars btw
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cast me as the g*rl in your low budget movie that gives the male protagonist an earbud, shyly smiles and asks “have you ever heard of this band?” except the earbud is filled with glue and he has to listen to all of abba gold start to finish
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coming of age movies need to be less horny....when i was a teenager all i thought about was my pet moths and illegally downloading music and how cool subways are
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just remembered a few years ago, a couple miles away from where i lived a cop shot up his own cruiser and sent the entire town into a lockdown while a manhunt ensued because he wanted to other cops to talk about how he was a hero and not about how he was dating a high schooler
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i am not depressed, i’m just so DUMMY THICK that every time i try to leave my bed, my massive ass weighs me down and pulls me closer to the earth’s core
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your mother named you after the two bravest men she ever knew, Guy Who Threw a Shoe at George W. Bush Guy Who Punched Richard Spencer
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