you are easy to love. you are easy to love. who is easy to love? you are. you are.
uh on wings of harm'ny sublime
- Tweets 35,857
- Following 1,252
- Followers 5,451
- Likes 195,262
Pinned Tweet
My secret to Twitter is that Every time I feel that somebody has successfully dunked upon me I get up and go to the piano and play Written on the Sky by Max Richter to my unnervingly large plant
41
30
664
46,411
One time I got trapped in the museum after it closed for the night. In the ancient masks wing. Lights started going out. Turned around, the doors were locked. My girlfriend and I grew frantic, rattled all the handles, yelled "we're in here!". No answer. Masks watching us mutely.
47
816
59,592
1,494,606
somatically aware computer usage, phenomenon #1:
when i have copied something and haven't pasted it yet, i can sense that in my body
176
3,771
48,037
1,531,406
Finally a door at the far end opened and the Italian security guy (this was in Naples) stuck his head in, saw us and said: "oh, hahaha. is jos like-a Ben Steeler movie. night at mooseom. very funny. Come with me, please" and led us to the exit. The end.
11
209
29,078
109,035
everybody making "night at the museum" replies to the first post, please note that one was already made at the funniest possible time so it'll be hard to top
4
43
17,899
99,061
my lmfao is from a place of sympathy, because 20 year old me absolutely would have pulled hijinks like this
12
40
16,137
668,482
i unfortunately have a 65% confident belief that skipping is a way more efficient method of getting around than jogging or walking, but i'm too scared to test it
290
540
15,757
435,190
A girl asked me to take a photo of her group at the club last night, she gave me her phone and it said "you have exceeded your Time Limit for the Camera app today"
like ๐คจ?? ? What
13
122
14,288
190,337
if you're running late to something, you should do lateness meditation. Walk calmly instead of running (it won't help). Tell everybody at the event how late you'll be (upper bound). Don't hide it. Tell them the real reason ("I didn't like my outfit", "I was playing factorio")
36
414
9,906
234,127
I'm hearing that birds can't be affected by capsaicin... I am going to genetically engineer a bird that can. so that i can take it to flavour touwn
28
111
9,470
146,355
me to the courts: "your honner i was very hungry and the button was very large and red. clearly i was under dressed"
7
45
8,277
69,998
my friend is bummed because he thought there was "abundance for everybody" but then he sat down and "did the math", there's 95 trillion dollars in the world, 8 billion people, that's only $11,875 USD for each person.
i couldn't stop thinking about this the rest of the day
384
288
7,445
800,043
in the 70s my mom saw an old guy tell a longhair hippie "are you a boy or a girl? i can't tell" & the hippie responded "man are you alive or dead, i can't tell"
the moral of the story, if you clap back good enough, the witnesses will tell their children and you'll live forever
8
632
7,349
76,637
one of my happiest web dev stories is that there's a little ceramics studio down the road and i noticed their website wasn't working, so i offered to fix it for barter, they accepted.
so every now and then i write CSS and get paid in beautiful pottery
19
149
5,172
97,656
being a piano player and hearing guitar players talk about how they play complex harmonies is like watching someone play doom on a fitbit
64
112
4,570
231,400
#2
When i'm on a really good video call and then the video or audio gets suddenly choppy, my breath gets choppy too. in the same way. like i'm trying to sync with it
3
28
4,244
89,866
well meaning relationship advice like "you and your partner should have equal say and clear communication" ignores people's deep desire to be swept away by their partner's power like a little leaf in a mighty wind. I know maybe 10 people who truly want a "healthy relationship"
35
142
3,928
172,088
Gf: babe you're like lentils. Not like a hamburger
Bf: what the fuck. I want to be a hamburger. Who wants to be lentils
Gf (aside, to audience): I want to be lentils
24
99
3,271
229,233
"hey. did you know other people can hear that? it's quite loud and intrusive."
as a starter, this gets 50%+ of people:
* people sincerely too dumb to consider it (temporarily or permanently)
* people who hate any conflict or public shaming
* people who don't want to talk to you
9
17
3,237
80,524
#3
More on breath: the thing in this video makes me want to hold my breath. I've learnt to not do that, though
12
25
3,065
94,257
we should explicitly add "This Is My Circus, You Are My Monkeys" to modern day marriage vows
10
143
3,169
66,435
:( just realised that OpenAI has the opportunity to do the funniest possible thing rn
14
101
2,626
121,837
my fav genre of music industry story is when a musician is like โoh, haha, letโs write a bad song. the worst song! as a joke! so that if people like it, theyโre idiots!โ and then it becomes their biggest hit single and theyโre forced to play it for financial survival. Lmao
58
101
2,451
140,953
Being a male who gains social eptness later in life, just a series of "oh THATS why she was following me around the festival for three days, laughing at my stupid jokes with ever growing intensity and asking me pointed questions about my campsite and tent" rรฉalisations
34
68
2,232
191,329
Hey, question for people with good self-esteem: howโd you get that good self esteem
398
219
2,202
281,755
"it". it it it. it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it
41
50
2,236
139,189
everybody got that one piece of advice stuck in their head that guides the movement of their soul, but it unfortunately sounds stupid as hell so you can never say it to anybody
85
207
2,175
371,224
a lot of meditation advice is unfortunately like if a guy learnt how to think in Japanese and was like "wow I should write a book so that everybody can learn to think in Japanese" and of course he writes it in Japanese
53
83
2,265
103,019
please remember there is something so obvious to you it doesn't bear mentioning, but if you can articulate it you will change the world
11
249
1,923
65,719
#4
Interestingly, i don't get this with any app unless it has read receipts. Does anybody experience this?
I keep Slack open on a monitor. I feel slightly in the presence of the person or people in the channel I'm currently viewing. I sometimes retreat to a channel with just myself to get some "alone" time.
11
13
1,823
109,871
muting this. but ironically, don't read the replies here lol! much nonjoy
To the guys saying it's a good strategy: I strongly believe that if you lie to a woman in order to fuck her, you are damaging societal trust, the woman, and yourself (not in order of magnitude)
5
19
1,813
473,183
the thing about my girlfriend is that if you bring her a small treat, she will become happier and calmer, but only the right treat, and if you bring her the wrong treat she will gently and clearly tell you that it is the wrong treat to bring her, and it will not make her as happy
14
107
1,698
80,911
Received a text today from a woman who I had plans to go on a first date with, and it dawned on me while reading, that this woman who I never met nor dated, had more respect for me to even send this text, than any woman Iโve ever actually dated
32
41
1,612
82,205
Ummm bear with me I am drawing the golden thread btwn these tweets as tho tracing the silhouetted ships on the horizon w my thumb
18
144
1,437
145,396
breathe it all in. Become very aware of how late you are. Treat it as a remarkable work, this act of lateness.
Notice, without compressing it into a whip of shame, how your mind alerted you ahead of time ("this is when you said you'd leave", "you know the bus comes early") etc
3
16
1,433
14,769
Me at the gym: oh i failed this lift! I bet I need to nourish myself better, rest, start smaller and work my way up, i'll get it โบ๏ธ
Me in daily life: i failed this task. alert, character flaw detected. downgrading loveability rating from 73% to 32%. deploying masking techniques
13
91
1,336
69,200
probably will regret posting this on main, but I was just talking with the boys, and the results are in:
everyone wishes they could get specific and detailed instructions when going down on their partner
no-one is brave enough to give their partner those specific instructions
51
52
1,194
154,929
OK: When men rank women on a "hotness scale" of 1-10, it has almost nothing to do with genuine attraction and everything to do with other men. This is:
1) very homoerotic
2) not something that women should aim to score high on
discussing "competitive ranked heterosexuality" with a homie on dark timeline and I must write a thread about it
47
50
1,253
144,346
I feel like a big unspoken relationship preference is whether you feel satisfied dating somebody whose life-arc, trials, and tribulations all culminate in the crowning achievement of getting to have sex with you
22
36
1,178
126,615
I'm gonna keep it 100 with you Roko. If you need to lie to a woman in order to fuck her, i don't think you should fuck her
7
11
1,208
16,288
man i took first aid once and the teacher secretly told one of us to pretend to pass out and hit his head after lunch. teacher calmly watched us panic and botch everything, then announced that it was a drill.
but the guy wouldn't wake up
then we got to see the teacher panic๐ฅฐ
4
32
1,191
26,758
many people are saying it's fake but this is unfortunately exactly the genre of fiasco i pulled at 20
1,141
167,890
normalize ๐ asking ๐ your ๐ friends ๐ to ๐ tie ๐ you ๐ to ๐ the ๐ mast ๐ so ๐ you ๐ can ๐ hear ๐ the ๐ sirens ๐จ sing
12
120
1,103
41,140
what's the best thing to do if you realise that you have met somebody who is smarter than you? for real answers pls
450
15
1,058
149,631
It is wild how much skin there is and how much u can rub it on other people's skin . Most people v unimaginative in this pursuit though and only rub the popular spots. If yr really a skin enthusiast you'll go for 100% completion. Toes in armpits, earlobes on back dimples. etc
20
54
1,072
37,548
assisted pullups where the assistance is just a girl sitting next to the machine silently looking at me
10
27
1,052
28,482
a probably-true concept i find hard to take seriously is "memories are stored in the body" because wtf? no they're not
Recently I threw out my old accordion case, which I used to collect money when i was a busker, for many years. Was surprisingly hard aand I think I get it now
21
34
1,001
54,865
probably the worst part of this story is that i gave it back to her and yelled "sorry it says you spent too much time on your camera" and all her friends heard. i hope that they roasted her mercilessly for it so she knew that they loved her. idk if girls do that
2
1
927
16,343
you're in her dms. i'm in her dms. let's touch each other through the thin membrane that divides our usernames in her inbox
22
52
944
22,227
do you legitimately think you could handle a few billion dollars and a couple years off
102
16
893
64,641
many of you would rather die than do this, and as a result you will continue to be late
1
12
919
14,186
avg person listening to their friends' counsel: "yes you're so right. yes i should just tell my partner what i need and make clear requests and set boundaries"
same person(thinking) ":( but i don't WANT that, i want a benevolent telepathic dictator who fucks me good"
6
30
869
17,719
this has actually happened to me with girls way less weird than Aella, i used to fail the test a lot more back when i thought women were made out of chocolate
Anyway ive discovered one of my subconscious shit tests on dates is to lean into bringing up something bad that happened to me to see how knee jerk "abolish bad feelings" they seem to be
10
7
841
221,619
they gave me another phone and i took a pic on that. everybody hada good time. the music was bumping. the music was flowing. there was much pain in the world but not in that room. its okay
1
2
843
15,007
for someweird reason, humans have this innate ability to tell if a conversational partner is
1) having a good time
2) going to advocate for themselves if they're not having a good time
this second one has some wild ramifications
11
42
821
106,542
thought this would be interesting to nerds who like hearing how people use their bodies teddit.net/r/tifu/comments/1โฆ
28
43
839
54,648
FAQ:
q: Is this a shitpost?
a: no
q: Do you know cash =/= wealth?
a: yes but I actually didn't have a good way to explain that to him, so i came to twitter to find one
q: i'm smart
a: you have reduced global wealth by coming to my replies to jack off about it. pie shrinker
12
1
768
78,596
"bro are you going to burning man this week" no bro I'm going to Yearning Man. It's this week and next week and the week after is looking pretty good too.
11
98
746
37,288
one time me and my friends bought boxing gloves and squared off in our loft. my gf watched. as soon as we got alone she jumped my bones like a fucken kangaroo and that's how i found out she liked to see dudes fight
11
13
750
139,475
she โletโ me hit it bc she assumes constant pressurized desire from my end, as a man, and she simply controls a valve that allows me to rush in to flood her like a hot bath. sheโs right but i resent it, so I donโt hit.
Later, she wants to hit, but I donโt let her, to drive my point home.
eventually i tire of this and let her hit, but she has learnt to not initiate and embarrass herself. She lets me hit but I donโt, for the same reason. We both have permission but are terrified to act on it. two celestial horny bodies locked in stable horny orbit. AMA
41
44
746
86,586
for tax reasons this is a fabricated glurge story and i pay in easily auditable credit card transactions during which the cashier and I ceremonially burn 80% of a dollar bill and waft the smoke towards a picture of the queen while saying "thanks government"
3
2
682
6,337
ok, the discourse must move on from this: the existence of "coyote ugly" implies at least 3 other kinds of animal ugly. what are they
45
16
630
59,987
having people who respectfully disagree with you is a wealth beyond compare that many of us are slowly losing
12
103
720
88,671
I don't agree with this at all
I am attracted to Taylor Swift. Every straight man I know is attracted to Taylor Swift. We do not say it because culturally at this point it would be like saying you want to fuck Princess Jasmine
what's the opposite of a beautiful mid? namely: a woman that everyone agrees is very attractive and yet fails to elicit any genuine attraction? do we just call it "the Taylor"?
35
11
676
52,956
