Also highly confusing and mysterious to me, and increasingly so.
I just don't get it... But I also don't judge anyone for it. I see it as a true tragedy, and a true agony, to all involved or affected. But I just want to say some things randomly to perhaps start a conversation.
When I was in high school, I feel like everyone good kind of loved everyone else good. It was like "oh well, we'll all marry each other, so you get Alice, and I'll get Sarah, you get Tom..."
Everyone just seemed... okay with that? I certainly was. It felt normal. In a way, I had a crush on EVERY smart, pretty girl. And some, I had crushes on most of all. And some liked me, too, how wonderful. But I wanted monogamous marriage, so once I started dating one, I was fiercely loyal. Obviously, in another way, I believe in soul mates, and in God, and in having found the other half of myself...
But sometimes when I talk to my friends it's like they just aren't that enamored by smart, happy men, or smart, pretty women. It's like they are not enamored by people enough, as a base rate. As if they are filtering their ability to feel feelings before they feel them. Are people scared to have crushes?
Or do people have plenty of crushes, and it's like they keep getting rejected after the first date? So many first dates. I can't imagine.
Again, I've been on like 8 first dates in my life. I just... trust my intuition, I guess? If I had a good feeling while flirting with this person, then I just figure we will make it work and I keep trying to make it work. Seems like maybe some people are searching for reasons why it might not work?
For instance, I've never considered red or yellow flags. I've only considered "the big green flag", the one that makes me know if I want this. Are people quibbling? If you want to make it work, just do it. If you are making a mistake, this will be clear very soon. Have faith. Always do your absolute best.
Another theory: I had two healthy parents in a happy marriage who somewhat begrudgingly but also very supportively allowed me to date and to explore romance in my early teenage years. Did I just learn subtle mental models of how to make relationships work this way?
Another theory: I would listen to relationship talk shows with my mom on the radio on the way to school. Not sure if this was intentional from her?? I don't think so, I think she was just interested in it. Anyway, did I pick up a bunch of really mature mental models for relationships at age 7 and then have over a decade of peak wisdom and happiness to refine them??
I don't think I was perfect by any means in my romantic life. I guess I just found the whole thing like... Obvious? I feel the feeling in my heart that says I want to be around person X, so therefore I just do everything in my power to be around X all the time, both in body and in spirit. To draw spiritually close. I want her to think of me when I'm not there. I want to be with her when I am there. Oh, looks like we are boyfriend girlfriend now. Oh no, we're breaking up because we're bad for each other. Terror. Grief. Pain.
[delay as I build natural courage]
Oh now I have the feeling in my heart that I want to be around Y all the time...
I repeated this like... 4 times total? I almost had it in 2, or so I thought (although I thought that every time, lol), but the relationship unexpectedly and catastrophically blew up in a way that would later come to be obvious.
Fourth time is the charm, I suppose. I was set up on a blind date with a smart girl. Didn't know what she looked like, and I asked not to be told.
When I met her, I was instantly in love. She was so beautiful. She was so funny. She was so smart.
She told me she didn't think we were compatible, that we should just be friends. I told her "I'm not so sure about that. We should wait and see."
We are now married. I love her. I have always loved her.
What does it mean that I didn't know what she was going to look like, but I was so excited to meet her anyway?
You can look at as many selfies as you would like, but you will never know what someone looks like (the way they really look, in their spirit) until you spend 5 years with them, and even then, they will change, and you will come to meet more of them.
If I am doing my job right, every day is a blind date with my wife, even now. I am still meeting her. I am still getting to know her. I am still falling in love with her.
Dating doesn't stop, I've just chosen to date the same person, the same soul, over and over and over again, for the rest of my life. Every day.
I don't know if anything in here was helpful, but I hope you all find monogamous love. I hope you choose to commit yourself to another soul forever, and to inextricably and impossibly entangle your lives in a way that could only be called reckless and absurd. I hope you find this fun and daring and wild. I hope you trust your intuition much more, and make many more costly mistakes. I do not think there is any eternal love without life-shattering risk.
It's actually mysterious how many smart single people there are that cannot find a partner.
So many people want a well-defined thing, and that thing exists in droves, and they cannot find it. Also it's each-other.