Chronicling critical misses throughout history. DM suggestions. Alter ego of @Schneider_CM Read more here: christianschneiderblog.com/2…
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Welcome to Zero Star Reviews - your home for the worst critic reviews of all time. DM me with requests. And SMASH that FOLLOW button!
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(Editor's note: I can name a dozen "hot women" who have been on #SNL just off the top of my head.)
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PIZZA (1860): 160 years ago, a London-based reporter went to Naples and reported back on an odd local delicacy called "pizza."
"It is not considered good, nor will those by whom it is made ever succeed in turning it out good..." The Morning Post, Dec. 17, 1860
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“Am I the only person who has noticed that SNL has never hired a ‘hot woman?’”
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JEOPARDY! (1984): "The new 'Jeopardy' is a disgrace. It may get ratings, but it deserves no respect....[Trebek] used to host 'High Rollers,' which should have been a tip-off that the new 'Jeopardy' would be a joke...a pitiful echo of its former self." Des Moines Register, 9/23/84
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DIE HARD (1988): “With a movie like this, once you start picking out the loopholes - and there are a lot of them - it doesn’t matter how good the stunts or the special effects are, or even how good Bruce Willis is - you just can’t stay interested.” - Roger Ebert
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THE SOPRANOS (1999): "The Godfather made the phrase 'sleeps with the fishes' famous. The Sopranos makes 'sleeps with the TV set on' a probability...a gangster's midlife crisis is a weak, unpalatable premise for a series. The Sopranos makes an offer you can refuse." OrSent 1/10/99
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RUMOURS - Fleetwood Mac (1977): "A pleasant but unremarkable album that follows the light-weight rock vein of its triumphant predecessor...There are no gems here like Rihannon, Over My Head, and Say You Love Me, the three huge hits on 'Fleetwood Mac' - Mpls Star Trib Feb 25, 1977
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MARLON BRANDO AS DON CORLEONE (1971): "A silly choice...Brando is a white Anglo-Saxon midwesterner, age 47. The Godfather in the script ages from 54 to 67...his recent films have been [sic] artistic and financial flop." Hasn't won an Oscar since 1954. Deseret News, Feb 1, 1971
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HARRY POTTER (2000): "Not really children's literature, it's just slop...it's a period piece...in five or six years...they will be of interest to sociologists - the people who read them will not be able to remember what they read." Harold Bloom, Charlie Rose Show, July 11, 2000
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BILL RUSSELL (1956): "In addition quite a few observers who have seen Russell feel he may not make the grade in the rugged NBA as they rate him a very poor shooter and further hold that his defensive ability will not make up for his lack of scoring." Boston Globe 11/2/56
R.I.P.
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ADOLF HITLER (1933): Walter Lippman called a recent speech by Hitler "reassuring" because he "does not wish to disturb the peace" in Europe. Questioning Germany "is in itself a deep form of intolerance."
"It is not the intention of Germany to inflict upon others misery."
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DEADWOOD (2004): "Everyone is so filthy, the nudity ceases to be sexy-The whites' opinions of the Sioux Nation, though in the spirit of the time, will make some viewers cringe...employs less sophisticated storytelling than its audience has a right to expect." Argus-Leader 3/21/04
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ELVIS (1956): "There is nothing about him worthy of the title 'entertainer.' He cannot sing and his whole performance is crude and disgusting...My guess is that in a comparatively short time he will be forgotten - and his popularity will be short-lived" Tampa Bay Times, 8/26/56
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TOM BRADY (2000 NFL Draft): "Obviously has a great future in New England - as a practice team quarterback...Scouts like his calmness but don't see him as a huge talent." Hartford Courant, Apr 17, 2000, Boston Globe, Apr 8, 2000
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This "pizza" dish didn't hit America's shores until the early 20th Century, and only gained popularity in the Italian regions of New York and New Jersey as "tomato pies." (Brooklyn Daily Eagle, 1935)
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OK COMPUTER - RADIOHEAD: (1997): DUD OF THE MONTH: Radiohead's "idea of soul is Bono, who they imitate further at the risk of looking even more ridiculous than they already do...I guarantee it will not occupy the charts for 10 years." Robert Christgau, Village Voice, Sep 23, 1997
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THE WIRE (2002): "The series is called 'The Wire,' named after a crucial wiretap, but it's hours into the series before the wiretap is even approved...
After five episodes...too many of the details are dry and too many of the characters drier still..." Indy Star, May 30, 2002
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WILL FERRELL (1995): "No moment in the season premiere is going to make any of these people a star...They'll still have futures; Walls and Koechner can always go back to Second City, Oteri and Ferrell to the Groundlings, Hammond and Breuer back to standup..." St Louis PD 10/4/95
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RESERVOIR DOGS (1992): "'The kind of film that doesn't need to be made...Were it not for the continual, gratuitous violence., Tarantino might have an interesting story..The film is such nonsense...from start to finish, it almost turned my stomach." STL Post-Dispatch, 10/23/92
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CHRIS ROCK (1996): "A predictable set of material with an urban delivery...
It seems Rock has left SNL too early, blindly leaping for greener pastures. For now, Rock should stick to sketch comedy and phone commercials." 👀 Ft. Worth Star-Telegram, August 12, 1996
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Been considering adding a new category of post: Fawning reviews of things we now recognize as flaming garbage.
In these cases, it would be the review themselves that earn zero stars.
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JONI MITCHELL - BLUE (1971): "Not a truly satisfying record...lacks muscle and and dramatic shape...emotionally rather distant... most seriously, it lacks variety. It seems unnecessarily complex, self-conscious, intricate...a great talent never quite realized." Minn. Star 7/28/71
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MADONNA/PRINCE/PHIL COLLINS/BEASTIE BOYS/ELTON JOHN (1987):
Madonna: "Not enough distinctive musical substance underneath the style:
Prince: "Purple pop footnote"
Beasties: "Rap music is a passing fad"
Elton: "dated, and charismatic, he's not." Chicago Tribune, 5/17/87
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TWITTER (2007): "Might go down as one of the era's silliest fads...it's likely to burn itself out as a social-networking phenomenon sooner rather than later...making a serious announcement via Twitter would be like sending Evites to a funeral." Spokesman-Review, March 26, 2007
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GHOSTBUSTERS (1984): "It isn't a vehicle for Murray and Aykroyd. It's a dead battery."
"In some ways, 'Ghostbusters' is the biggest bust" of the summer of 1984. Bill Murray is "curiously flat and inhibited." The Boston Globe, June 9, 1984
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BACK TO THE FUTURE (1985): "Big, cartoonish, and empty, with an interesting premise that is underdeveloped and overproduced...Perhaps the French could manage this Oedi-pull with delicacy; this crew can't. It's an extended joke with a fairly rancid taste." LA Times, July 3, 1985
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The worst was when Obama gave that speech demanding people who raise their hands in the air wave them like they actually care
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VEEP (2012): "Disappointing is the decision to play Meyer as a scatterbrain. In many ways it's as if 'Seinfeld's' Elaine Benes has become vice president. She's simply unbelievable as a character who could have had any political career..." Intelligencer Journal, 4/21/12
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DIRTY MIND - Prince (1980): "The 'packaging' of Prince...seems less bold and daring than demeaning.
My guess is that Prince will be working in a three-piece suit in a year or two." Minneapolis Star Tribune, Nov. 7, 1980
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BEVERLY HILLS COP (1984): Roger Ebert: “Goes for broad, obvious strokes…plays like a TV sitcom - what it really needs is a laugh track…what a waste of an idea, what a waste of Eddie Murphy”
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WEEZER - PINKERTON (1996): "Hey boys and girls, can you say, 'one-hit wonders?' If so, then follow it with Weezer. The band's second release, Pinkerton, clearly shows Weezer is headed to the graveyard of forgettable bands...Pinkerton fails miserably." Dayton Daily News 10/11/1996
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ALBERT EINSTEIN (1929): "Einstein's latest theory is 'filled with absurdities...' When Einstein announces that the law of gravity has ceased to exist, and that we soon may be able to travel to the moon...it is all bunk." Shreveport Journal, February 7, 1929
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ONLINE SHOPPING (1998): "Consumers will not desert the thrills and spills of in-store retailing in great numbers...' said Richard Feinberg, professor of consumer sciences at Purdue. 'Consumers like to touch, feel, and smell the products they purchase.'" Journ. & Courier 12/26/98
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RADIOHEAD - THE BENDS (1995): "There's little on the British group's second record to suggest they'll be more than one-hit wonders...Radiohead's overwrought, pompous music makes them sounds like alternative rock's answer to the Moody Blues." Chicago Tribune, April 27, 1995
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DAVE BARRY (2000): "My opinion of Dave Barry (@rayadverb) has always been - a silly, talentless writer...how many youths were drawn to this disgusting article?" (She goes on to complain about the size of the crossword print.) Baraboo News Republic, 8/4/00
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GAME OF THRONES (2011) “GoT serves up a lot of confusion in the name of no larger or really relevant idea beyond sketchily fleshed-out notions that war is ugly, families are insidious and power is hot." New York Times, April 14, 2011 nytimes.com/2011/04/15/arts/…
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"AIRPLANE!" (1980): "Misfired jokes are to be expected and tolerated, but the troika system of filmmaking...encouraged the directors to repeat certain gags three times with a corresponding drop off in laughs." The conceit wears "tissue thin" by film's end. Times-Advocate 7/3/80
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BEARDS (1907): "Beards are really worn by people engaged in criminal undertakings. They grow face fungus so that when their crimes are detected they may remove it for the purpose of disguise...All men who wear beards are technically Beavers..." San Francisco Examiner, June 9 1907
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MADONNA (1983): "Without being overly unkind, Madonna's voice sounds like a cross between Brenda Lee and Alvin the Chipmunk. Throughout the album, we hope for a cut that might indicate this enigmatic female has talent, but alas no such revelation surfaces." AZ Republic 12/21/83
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GREASE (1978): "The stench of rank amateurism, rancid TV specials and putrid shows like 'Welcome Back Kotter' permeates the entire 110 minutes of this abomination...Those who make nostalgia films like 'Grease' should be condemned." Cincinnati Enquirer, June 17, 1978
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MOBILE PHONES (1983): "We will all become always-reachables, under the tyranny of the telephone..Why do you think they call the mobile phones ''cellular''? Because each geographic area is..a cell, a word previously most often associated with prisoners and Communists." NYT 12/6/84
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VIOLENT FEMMES (1983): "Cacophony that combines the avant garde intent of the early Velvet Underground and the barest rudimentary knowledge of music that marked The Modern Lovers with the total ignorance of harmony you'd expect from a flock of crows before breakfast. Horrible."
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PAUL'S BOUTIQUE-Beastie Boys (1989): "Beastie Boys have stolen the thunder from what began as an exclusively black music form and turned it into a snotty cartoon...
I've written them an 'Advice Rap:'
Hey Beastie Boys
Don't be fools
Quit making records
And go back to school"
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SEINFELD (1989): "Comedian Jerry Seinfeld, a fixture on the late-night talk-show circuit, tries prime time with an experimental show that is half nightclub act, half sitcom. It's also half-funny." Hartford Courant, July 5, 1989
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TALKING PICTURES (1928): "The talkies won't last. In a few years they will pass out. The silent film is the thing."
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ACE VENTURA: PET DETECTIVE (1994): "The worst of 1994...It's a safe bet that no one will surpass Jim Carrey as the year's most aggravating actor...a cross between a deranged evangelist and a diseased hyena...a nightmarish performance." Minneapolis Star Tribune 2/5/94
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GOLDEN GIRLS (1985): The opening episode "was both rank and vile...the most astonishing thing about this half hour of tasteless jokes about crime, drugs, gays, senility, bathroom habits, and death is that it is a Disney production.
Prognosis: one season." The Record (NJ) 9/22/85
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SNL CAST (2006): "Some of the returning players are depressingly anonymous: Bill Hader, Jason Sudeikis, Will Forte - are these household names in any American households but their own?" Kristen Wiig's "range has so far not been demonstrated." Washington Post, Oct 4, 2006
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AUTOMOBILES (1899): This sardonic article ran as cars were just popping up in cities across America. It ridicules the horseless carriage as a "novelty" that "prettily gowned creatures" will ditch as soon as something else comes along. - San Francisco Call, August 6, 1899
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THE REPLACEMENTS LIVE (1985): "Rude, vain, and just plain bad...a bunch of unprofessional, arrogant jerks...Judging from the reaction, the Replacements could have masturbated on stage and part of the crowd would have demanded an encore." Daily Tar Heel, February 4, 1985
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BEVERLY HILLS, 90210 (1990): "The attractive leads are all that is bearable in this heavy-handed addition to Fox's Thursday-night youth lineup, which relies on every Beverly Hills rich-kid scenario imaginable...outlook for an entire season isn't bright." Variety, Oct 15, 1990
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THE CURE - DISINTEGRATION (1989): "The Cure's output in general leaves me cold. Smith's non-singing annoys me as much as his constant moaning about his inability to love...this from a guy who recently married his girlfriend of 15 years." Daily Record, July 9, 1989
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TOP GUN (1986): "Tom Cruise...is miscast as the daredevil jet jockey of 'Top Gun...' Cruise looks too short amongst his classmates; he vanishes right before our eyes at times...
'Top Gun' trivializes war by reducing it to a music video." Newsday, May 16, 1986
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In honor of the great Tom Shales, here's his review of "Friends:"
"Why do networks think we will want to waste valuable television time on the kinds of people who in real life we would avoid like the plague, or at least like a real bad flu epidemic?"
washingtonpost.com/archive/l…
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AIR FLIGHT (1888):
1. There is no bird over 50 pounds
2. Man can never invent something more effective than a bird, nor under 400 pounds
THUS, "a true flying machine, self-raising, self-sustaining, self-propelling, is physically impossible."
St. Louis Globe 11/11/1888
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THE QUEEN IS DEAD - The Smiths (1986) "Doom rock...has never appealed to me and The Smiths is as gloomy as they come...I don't find lead singer Morrisey's [sic] vocal drone at all musical and his politics are tortured artiste posturing at its worst." Lincoln Journal Star, 8/12/86
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MÖTLEY CRÜE - SHOUT AT THE DEVIL (1983): "This LA punk/metal hybrid espouses rather old-fashioned metal beliefs in thoroughly boring fashion...exhibits of- not merely bad but - very poor taste amount to naught...repetitive and unoriginal." Edmonton Journal 10/20/83 cc: @NikkiSixx
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PLANES, TRAINS, AND AUTOMOBILES (1987): "The laughs in this inanely titled 'buddy' picture are common and downright dismal...They haven't made a movie; they're comic boxers re-creating an extended skit from the old SCTV days...predictable, tacky, and awful." Pitt. Press, 11/25/87
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STAR WARS (1977): "When both the forces of light and the forces of dark are represented in large part by bizarre mutants with only minimal human traits, taking the story seriously is even harder...its drama is relentlessly childish" - Louisville Courier-Journal, May 26, 1977
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PAUL MCCARTNEY, BOB DYLAN, MICK JAGGER (1990): "Musically, we are more talented than Bob Dylan. Musically, we are more talented than Paul McCartney. Mick Jagger, his lines are not clear. He don't know how he should produce a sound." - Rob Pilatus of Milli Vanilli, 1990
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LA Weekly's "Worst Bands of All Time" list (2012):
18. Oasis
14. Foreigner
13. Wings
12. Fleet Foxes
11. Red Hot Chili Peppers
9. Rush
7. Pearl Jam
4. Sex Pistols
3. LCD Soundsystem
2. Eagles
1. Dave Matthews Band
laweekly.com/top-20-worst-ba…
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LARRY BIRD (1979): Growing up, Bird's dream was to play for the University of Kentucky. But head coach Joe B. Hall thought he was "too slow," so he didn't offer Bird a scholarship.
St. Petersburg Times, March 26, 1979
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Come for the terrible Elvis prediction, stay for the accompanying story about two girls who crossed state lines to get married as a prom joke!
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MIKE KRZYZEWSKI (1982): A harsh column criticizing Duke AD Tom Butters after hiring Coach K:
"In truth, Krzyzewski has not demonstrated he can win in the ACC.
He may win. But I don't like his odds." - Charlotte News, March 20, 1980
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AMAZON.COM (1995): "Kennell, the manager at Elliott Bay and creator of its Web site, doesn't see her online competitors as a threat.
'I don't think you'll ever be able to substitute coming in and looking through the book you want,' she said." Lancaster News 11/6/95
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THE TERMINATOR (1984): A "lurid, violent, pretentious piece of claptrap." Fresno Bee, October 26, 1984
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FRANK SINATRA (1944): Artur Rodzinski, conductor of the New York Philharmonic symphony, called "Boogy Woogy" music performed by Sinatra "one of the greatest causes of delinquency among American youth today." He complained "jive" music led to "war degeneracy." The Bee, 1/22/1944
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In this outtake, the rocky relationship between Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert rears its ugly head.
Siskel: “Well spoken, Roger.”
Ebert: “Well, that’s something you rarely hear.”
Siskel ends: “That’s this week on Siskel and Ebert and the Movies…and the asshole, that’s Roger”
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PINBALL (1976): According to a Palo Alto city councilman, businesses with pinball machines are places of "filthy bestiality and absolute perversion." The council voted to ban pinball machines by a 5-3 vote. (Berkeley Gazette, October 28, 1976)
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PINK FLOYD - DARK SIDE OF THE MOON (1973): "The band's biggest disappointment artistically yet...sounds exactly, yes exactly, like the Moody Blues." If they play live songs from the album, "they're going to disappoint a lot of faithful fans." The Gazette, March 10, 1973
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PULP FICTION (1994): "Three plots, no real point...'Pulp Fiction' leaves me underwhelmed, with nothing to carry away from it except a surfeit of cleverness." The Record (N.J.), October 14, 1994
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THE BEATLES PLAYING ON THE ROOF OF APPLE STUDIOS (1969): Threatened with arrest for a noise violation, the Beatles also irritated people in the street. #GetBack
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JIMI HENDRIX LIVE (1968): Hendrix "doesn't sing too well and he doesn't play his guitar too well, but he does it with a lot of sex...
So his talent is really not that significant." Also, his fans are "rude, smelly, long-haired kids." Minneapolis Star Tribune, November 3, 1968
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RECKONING - R.E.M. (1984): "Would it kill lead singer Michael Stipe to print the mumbled lyrics to his songs, or else stop mumbling?
As long as R.E.M. insists on being vague, it is going to be minor. Minor bands don't live long." Knight-Ridder, June 10, 1984
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I LOVE LUCY (1951): "A terrible waste of her talents and her husband's...reduces the role of husband to roughly that of the male spider...Will probably put all sorts of ideas in the heads of hitherto sensible housewives." Minneapolis Star Tribune, November 15, 1951
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FREAKS AND GEEKS (1999): "Less funny than you think it will be...[Apatow and Feig] have fashioned a comedy that perhaps gets it a tad *too* right...carries a sheen of bleakness, of sadness and depression..."
Variety, September 20, 1999
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JIMMY CARTER (1975): "Even if Carter spoke with a brogue instead of a drawl, his 1976 chances would, at this stage, as narrow as a backwoods Georgia road...'we got moderates running out our ears here now. He ain't going to win the White House on that.'" The Republic, 3/13/75
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This has been viewed 6 million times and I would like to pat myself on the back for giving America permission to be horny online for one day.
Also, in real life, I host a good #SNL podcast, you can find it here: wasntthatspecial.com
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MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL (1975): "A slapstick saga so steadily unfunny that it seems much longer than its 90 minute running time...the intent is outrageous satire and nearly all of it backfires." - Boston Globe, May 20, 1975
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MICHAEL JORDAN (1984): "'You absolutely pick Akeem first,' said Pete Newell, legendary basketball guru and Golden State's talent consultant. 'Jordan's not a franchise guy. Centers are franchise guys.'" Hartford Courant, May 30, 1984
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STAND BY ME (1986): "These are not the kind of kids you'd want as friends at any time of your life, and you certainly wouldn't want them as your sons...You come away grateful...that you can leave these people in the theater." The Baltimore Evening Sun, August 22, 1986
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TIDAL - Fiona Apple (1996): "The hype machine hopes you'll view the New York-bred Apple as the next Alanis Morissette (or Tori Amos), but that's a stretch based on this disc...Apple has potential, but she constantly oversings..." The Boston Globe, September 19, 1996
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RIDE THE LIGHTNING - METALLICA (1984): "This quartet's brand of all-minor-key heavy metal is the of most mindless, least proficient, least sensitive sort...The resultant 'music' usually is a mishmash of noise." The Pittsburgh Press, Feb 24, 1985
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MY BLOODY VALENTINE - LOVELESS (1991): "The songs aren't that good." Many of the songs "are incomplete and incoherent snippets of sound and melody laced with distortion...the lyrics are indecipherable, even by rock n' roll standards." York Daily Record, February 21, 1991
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JURASSIC PARK (1993): "Despite all that creative technology thundering across the big screen, the thrilling adventure, ominous edge, and cautionary tale [in Crichton's book] have been homogenized by Spielberg into a sappy and meaningless joy ride." Associated Press, June 12, 1993
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STEVE MARTIN (1973): "Martin seems bent on using only the most stale humor in his lowbrow-urbane approach...once wrote for the Smothers Brothers and evidently saved every rejected joke for use right here in Chicago...turn to the folk-club circuit. Please." Chicago Tribune 12/7/73
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Rolling Stone would later rank Blue the third greatest album of all time: rs500albums.com/50-1/3
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