Every time someone says the president is a child or a toddler all I can think of is I've never met a child who's this much of a dick.
1,370
35,616
142,986
Somehow went from “Suck it up, Snowflake, you lost!” to “Oh we lost? Let’s shred the Constitution.”
469
15,336
123,138
Anyone else feel like their entire being and every cell within cannot take another second of this guy?
3,313
6,965
102,818
I love how people are saying these kids are actors. Have you *seen* a high school play?
595
14,490
108,116
Amy Poehler was named one of the 40 most powerful people in comedy and her answers to these questions are genius:
(Also before you bust me out- I realize my battery is on 4%)
257
16,089
67,910
Remember a couple days ago when it was confirmed the election was hacked in 21 states? A fraction of the coverage of NFL. Well done, donnie!
493
13,700
40,364
Thanks @amyklobuchar
for being such a good sport throughout the SNL campaign season. I admire the heck out of you, and I think you would have made a great president.
187
1,731
35,956
It's 5:50 am & his tweet is gone. The sun rises &we all walk home in our party clothes.Was it all just a dream? The wind whispered...covfefe
131
6,997
33,117
2/22/22 is probably the coolest birthday I will have and i feel like I should be doing some pagan dance in the woods to honor the auspicious date but instead I’m just tweeting.
1,003
536
28,019
These f'ing Hollywood elites! Stick to acting!
Sandra Bullock donates a whopping $1 million dollars to #HurricaneHarvey relief efforts bit.ly/2wmGRhm
433
2,884
26,367
This is so cool! And might I say, @amyklobuchar , you play a good you!
OK @TheRealDratch you played a good me on @nbcsnl tonight. You were so good that you even got my daughter to text me on a Saturday night (a first).
118
1,303
18,028
And then the next day, after the GLORY AND GLAMOUR 🤩😍, when you bump into your SNL castmate at the playground with kids in tow. 😊
128
341
18,127
I wanted to send some love to #BruceWillis. He’s the first celebrity I ever met. Back in the 90’s, touring with Second City at a show in Sun Valley,ID. Imagine our delight when we found out he was in the audience! He came backstage and couldn’t have been sweeter to us wannabes.❤️
90
556
17,644
Due to Rocket Man tweet I learned the lyric is "burning out his fuse up here alone,"not "burnin onna heema-hemma-mo" as I thought.Thanks DT!
346
1,849
16,103
Waiting for 1st Republican in congress to stand & say "The prez is batshit & not fit to lead": I will build a statue of u in a public square
263
2,407
13,574
Also like anyone that good would take this gig. “Yeah it was between being on Stranger Things or doing a school shooting.”
61
1,211
14,392
My favorite moments on SNL:
1)Cracking up in Debbie downer disney 2)Hot tub lovers 3)Rigging 2000 election so that George W beat Al Gore
114
3,262
14,328
Well, Patti LuPone walked by me and said “Hi,Rachel!” so actually I am a WINNER!! #TonyAwards
79
211
13,929
Anyone else feel like eating an entire chocolate cake right about now? I’m talkin entenmanns, like a feminist feelings cake. I don’t have one on hand, just reaching out for like-minded souls.
782
589
12,860
Sooo, we're just gonna keep terrorizing our kids so everyone can have guns when they want em and NRA is comfy. And it's barely front page news this time. Got it.
BREAKING: California sheriff says gunman tried to get into rooms at elementary school to shoot more kids, but lockdown saved lives.
121
3,591
11,124
In honor of @girlscouts Cookie season i just thought of a new verb: SLEEVING. As in, "I sleeved some thin mints really hard last night."
151
786
10,190
Whenever I read tweets telling Biden to run his negative ads I think “Joe, roll that beautiful bean footage.”
This isn’t a good tweet, I know, but I’ve been on here for 10 hrs.
74
352
9,786
I’m excited for many reasons!!
#BidenHarris2020
41
407
6,944
A good sense of humor is essential for any candidate, in my book! Thanks @amyklobuchar for being a good sport! Happy holidays!
53
353
5,852
Did you see @SpiderVerse yet? It’s opening weekend!
DON’T MAKE ME CALL YOU INTO MY OFFICE!
#spiderverse 🕷️
130
265
6,196
313,926
I’d like to think that lady in the restaurant holding a baby is what finally put him over the edge #pruitt
111
415
5,089
Hey! I’m no soothsay-ah, but something tells me you’re going to vote for
the commercial starring my fellow Bostonians and me, right?!
Wicked #smaht #ad admeter.usatoday.com.
172
220
5,572
And then they came for the elephants, and I was like "Oh come onnn what the fuuuck?!"
Trump administration plans to reverse Obama-era ban on import of elephant trophies from Africa. abcn.ws/2hwDGgP
89
1,034
4,899
Chicago does not f around. I received this parking ticket in the mail today. Look at date. It's from TWENTY years ago
276
728
4,827
What an honor and a joy to be part of this evening. #pinchme
The biggest thanks to Eddie Murphy, @lizzo, @TheRealDratch, Larry David, Jason Sudeikis, Fred Armisen, @MayaRudolph, @ABFalecbaldwin, @TracyMorgan, @chrisrock, and @DaveChappelle. (also, Usher) GOODNIGHT and happy holidays! #SNL
54
94
4,832
It’s this guy and his pals, or your kids. Choose wisely Nov 6.
REPORTER: Have you read the alarming UN report about imminent, drastic climate change?
TRUMP: "It was given to me, & I want to look at who drew it. You know, which group drew it, because I can give you reports that are fabulous & reports that aren't so good." #DrewIt
73
854
3,984
Absolutely sickening. This man is married to a US citizen and has 2 young daughters. He had delivered pizza to this base many times before and the soldiers called ICE on him? That is some straight up, turning-in-your-neighbors Nazi shit. nydailynews.com/new-york/ny-…
90
850
3,678
Can someone just tell me how many sheets of stamps I have to buy to, like, save democracy?
#SaveTheUSPS
68
363
3,729
Pompeo just took the #1 spot on today’s shit list, knocking McConnell off the top spot.
“The world is watching” he says? You mean the world that just lit off fireworks and rang church bells in celebration of you all losing the election by MILLIONS of votes? GTFO
48
273
3,450
The brave teens speaking out about reforming gun laws are so inspirational.
Also I’m like “Oh! Oh! Do climate change next!”
26
374
3,328
Every once in awhile I decide to treat myself. #becauseimworthit
BREAKING: Leonardo da Vinci's Christ painting 'Savior of the World' sells for record $450 million at New York auction.
40
159
3,171
Someday when & if this is all behind us, I hope to be at a giant dance party in the streets w/ all the strangers on twitter who got me thru.
95
405
2,978
The fact that no one seems to have the power to take his damn *phone* away makes me extremely nervous about all the other buttons
47
1,062
2,946
Oh, that feeling when you accidentally wake up at 4 am and now you’ve read the whole internet...
74
54
3,024
I mean... I just...the guy leaves no evil unexplored
71
501
2,879
When this is all just a TV movie, I would like to play Jack Mitnick, the man who did Trump's taxes who is now 80-years old and living in FL
47
451
2,783
I’m just so angry and sickened and sad about our country and guns. Kids are dying and we do jackshit again and again. And GOP how dare you mention prayers. Your “prayers” are a parody of inaction at this point.
42
459
2,772
If this is true, it should be career-ending.*
(*A sentence we have said hundreds of times in last 4 years)
Just confirmed @SenTedCruz and his family flew to Cancun tonight for a few days at a resort they've visited before. Cruz seems to believe there isn't much for him to do in Texas for the millions of fellow Texans who remain without electricity/water and are literally freezing.
52
143
2,573
The biggest thing I learned about myself from the Kondo process:
THONGS DO NOT SPARK JOY.
48
126
2,581
Mazel tov cocktails are what I reward myself with after a long hard day of controlling the media.
65
836
2,505
This is true
Donald Trump came down harder on Megan Rapinoe for speaking than he did on Kim Jong-un for literally killing Otto Warmbier. #TrumpRewardsOttosMurderer
19
187
2,361
I'm gonna put trump getting impeached on my Vision Board.
#puttingitintotheUNIVERSE 💕💕💕💕🌟💫💫✨💕💕💕
45
360
2,340
I am so tired of these RICH, UNGRATEFUL, ANTI-AMERICAN men who want to take away our healthcare
36
313
2,270
Here’s a fun thing that we did this year- adopted this little lady from @muddypawsnyc !
84
30
2,250
Melania follows Trump's lead by refusing to offer meeting with Jill Biden mirror.co.uk/news/us-news/me…
51
87
2,217
Tonight I was flipping back and forth from the Olympics to Hoarders. Like to think I fall somewhere in between.
22
134
2,329
Been trying to ignore donnie’s lies and tweets like you would a kid having a screaming fit in a restaurant, but today I’m just furious at “the adults” in his circle. Like, “ok can you take him out of the restaurant now?”
30
138
2,205
I’m realizing that my rent for a small apt in Chicago was 600 dollars...in 1998.
This week, Republicans objected to giving workers $1,200 checks to pay rent and feed their families.
Why?
“The deficit.”
They didn’t care about the deficit when they passed $2 trillion in tax cuts for big corporations and millionaires.
The biggest deficit is in their values.
62
130
2,136
A simple observation: I've never once heard trump mention the word "peace" as a goal, a priority or as a concept. And that, is truly, sad.
73
473
2,156
Today my son’s whole zoom class overheard me screaming “ALEXA! STOP IT!” in the background. In my defense I was saying “Play Beastie Boys” and she launched into “Barbara Ann” 3 times.
35
45
2,096
Hey @IvankaTrump your dad eats this shit up. He incites violence in a daily basis. So until your father is out of office, no, America isn’t better than this.
I strongly condemn the attempted acts of violence against President Obama, the Clinton family, @CNN & others. There is no excuse—America is better than this.
Gratitude to the @SecretService and law enforcement for all they do to keep this nation safe.
62
268
2,014
Just tried to make penne a la vodka and it tastes like a Bloody Mary. I look forward to a time in the future when I’m not eating my own cooking.
55
19
2,064
This is not a comic tweet but merely a cry out to the (vanishing) wilderness:
How can the stupidest person be in charge? Why oh why we are allowing this monster to destroy the future. I'm just baffled by it.
75
314
1,964
Tommy, tell me you got that! #wickedgoodrepawting!
34
111
2,081
265,924
Am i the only one who doesn’t even find this funny? Yes it would make a great sketch that you could pretty much do verbatim but WHY ARE WE GIVING THESE CLOWNS THE *LITERAL* TIME OF DAY?
79
54
1,930
When someone tells you not to look up at the sun today even though of course you knew that, that's #moonsplaining
27
298
1,855
Within a minute of meeting @jvn this at #celebrityautobiography this was happening. I mean...hennies dreams were coming true!😂
16
34
1,969
The act of looking forward to the Mueller hearings as if anything will come of it feels like having lunch with an ex that you are hoping to get back together with.
120
146
1,917
Regarding State of the Union address, every time I see “SOTU,” my mind changes it to “STFU” so its doing me a favor.
41
102
1,823