I have chili in my veins and a snake in my boot.
Texas
- Tweets 34,239
- Following 200
- Followers 688,735
- Likes 14,159
Meteorologists: “it’s going to freeze tonight. Remember to drip your faucets.”
Houston:
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Fall is tomorrow and you know what that means...
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Nothing. This is Texas. It’s still 90 degrees out.
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Just Texans doing Texan things.
Police moving cattle to higher ground just outside Dayton, TX with team @contessabrewer @CNBC
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“And we shall name them the Dallas Cowboys and they will be America’s Team.”
“So they will play in Dallas then sir?”
“No, they’ll play in Arlington, but have offices in Frisco.”
“But America will love them?”
“If only it was that simple.”
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You may be Texan, but you'll never be as Texan as Matthew McConaughey with an Armadillo at a Willie Nelson Concert.
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This. Is. Texan. nitter.app/michaelberrysho/status…
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Things I miss about Texas when I leave it:
-HEB
-Whataburger
-BBQ
-Hospitality
-85 mph speed limits
-Texas
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Actual advice the news gave for Southerners driving in the snow for the first time.
Save this for future reference.
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182 looks good on ya, Texas. Happy Texas Independence Day y'all! #TexasIndependenceDay
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Texas woman hands reporter a 6-pack of beer while he's reporting on the hurricane.
Not all heroes wear capes.
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BREAKING: @GregAbbott_TX waives regulation preventing alcohol deliveries from restaurants.
We can now order margaritas to be delivered at home.
Prayers have been answered.
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Me: Is it winter or spring?
Texas: ¿Porque no los dos?
TEXAS, OH NO BABY WHAT IS YOU DOING?!
18° in the Panhandle ... 76° on the Gulf.
I think I found the front. #TXwx @weatherchannel
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Explaining Buc-ee's to non-Texans: "idk it's huge and the bathrooms are clean and there's a beaver."
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What-a-legend
A fish in one hand, @whataburger in the other 😂 #Texas
“This dude caught a 4 pound bass on the feeder road near I45 and Cross Timbers in front of Whataburger while he was stranded waiting for the flood waters to recede”
#houston #imelda #whataburger 📸: Andrew Mattheis
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“Hi 911, yeah I’d like to report a hostage situation in Houston. The Dodgers and Astros are holding 41,000+ people in Minute Maid Park.”
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Happy Birthday Texas! We made ya a cake 🎂#TexasIndependenceDay
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|￣￣￣￣￣￣￣|
| IT'S CALLED |
| QUESO. |
| NOT |
| CHEESE DIP |
| ＿＿＿＿＿___ |
(\__/) ||
(•ㅅ•) ||
/ づ
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BREAKING NEWS: God was spotted in Texas today. When asked what he was doing here he said, "working from home."
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Be thankful for the dry bed you've got tonight.
Be thoughtful of fellow Texans who don't.
Be giving to ensure that they get one soon.
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A definitive ranking of the best singers:
15. You
14. can’t
13. rank
12. the
11. best
10. singers
9. because
8. they're
7. all
6. great
5. in
4. their
3. own
2. way
1. George Strait
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Things Texans love:
•Whataburger
•Kolaches
•Cowboy Boots
•Tacos
•BBQ
•Shiner
•Blue Bell
•Sweet Tea
•Chips & Salsa
•85 MPH Limits
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19 years ago, today we lost Selena. RIP to the Texan that did it all before all the modern pop stars.
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RT if you grew up believing you'd immediately get arrested if you picked a bluebonnet.
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Things Texans love: •Whataburger •Kolaches •Cowboy Boots •Tacos •BBQ •Shiner •Blue Bell •Sweet Tea •Chips & Salsa •85 MPH Limits
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Bruh, stay inside.
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We love everything about Texas. Including the spicy parts.
A woman emailed the @TexasHumor help desk and told us our site was too Tex-Mex. She also asked for 3XL shirts (which we do carry).
“How about this...Welcome to Texas, learn English...OR GO HOME.”
🧐
Her message and my response.
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