I am a playwright. I have three children. Three children. Fuck. I live in the East End and ride a bicycle.
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Lionel Messi is the greatest football player the sport has ever seen and if you don’t think that’s true your a wrongheaded buffoon.
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My son tells me 57000 other people have also died this morning. I like to imagine them all in a room whispering, "that's David Bowie".
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Hey. Young actors. You could do a fuck of a lot worse than watch the "Its a fox!" scene in Fleabag 2 Episode 3 about a hundred times. Seriously. Masterful, masterful, masterful, masterful acting.
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The racist fuckheads who tweeted vile responses to Balotelli in no sense represent Man United. They do though shame the club. Fucking shits.
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Oh. My. Fucking. God. Follies! Follies! Follies! Follies! Follies!
Oh shitting hell discovering Sondheim in my 40s is as much fun as getting into Bob Dylan or Class As.
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As #Emilia finished my daughter told me to shut up for a bit - there was something she wanted to write on her phone. A new screensaver.
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I have been blessed to work with brilliant actors for twenty years. I honestly know none better in the world than Andrew Scott. His performance leaves me unable to speak.
Still tickets available.
'He's in the way people move. He's in the light falling over a city at the start of an evening. He's in the space between two numbers.'
#SeaWall goo.gl/B3a3tC
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If I was Kroos I'd be desperate to leave Bayern Munich and join a mid-table English team. Especially with Moyes in charge. Desperate.
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50 years ago tomorrow the world changed forever. My wife, the love of my life, was born. Kind of named after the lunar mission. And kind of not. Best human I have met so far. And I have met some fucking great ones. She fucking hates Twitter. But still. Happy Birthday Polly.
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The run through of Sea Wall @oldvictheatre this morning was utterly shattering. Andrew is braver, more detailed, more imaginative than I've seen him. The play sings its heart out in that beautiful auditorium. First time Ive seen it since my father-in-law died. Devastating.
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Every single thing I have written has been in some way graced by her.
A wee thought this morning for Sarah Kane who died #OTD 1999
‘No one survives life..’ Crave - Sarah Kane
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Andrew Scott’s Garry Essendine in #PresentLaughter @oldvictheatre is, I think, the finest acting performance this decade. I know I am hopelessly biased but I honestly think he is our best stage actor.
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For my funeral. In case any of you happen to play an administrative role therein. The thoughts of John Berger. Gone ahead.
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You know how good we THOUGHT Fleabag 2 was gonna be when we saw that twatting cast? Imagine that and it’s 5 times better. Holy shit, Father!
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On every level this is a deep and stupid mistake and a grave, grave shame. For all of us. Artists. Audiences. Other writers about theatre. Its a ridiculous decision and I hope whoever made it has the intelligence and bravery to change their mind.
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Also this from my agent five years before she took me on. I share it to encourage. Never stop writing, ever.
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I love actors. I love actors. I love actors. I love actors. I love actors. I love actors. I love actors. #LightFalls #StephensattheMiniBar
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I have fallen so hard for the plays of Noel Coward it’s absurd. My fucking God how brutal is Private Lives?!?
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I’m ducking out of here for a while. Got my son to set a new password. Like some fucking junky or shit. I might come back when I want to shout about all the theatre I love. And drone endlessly about The Fall and Nick Cave. No more politics. Good luck all of you. Merry Christmas x
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Massive massive massive respect for Kate Jarvis. Every actor I know has done or continues to do work that keeps them or has kept them going. I couldn't have written the plays I have written without other jobs. They're a fundamental part of my life.
‘I was made to feel quite ashamed – it really did hurt me’ Katie Jarvis
Soap actors have spoken out in support of the ex-EastEnders star who made the news for having taken a job in a shop.
bbc.in/31zWdxf
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25 years ago this week I kissed my wife for the first time. We went on and are having one hell of an adventure and she remains the human that knows me more than anybody else and makes me laugh more than anybody else. She fucking hates Twitter though.
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This morning I did the School Run to Primary School for the last time. After 16 years. I can think of nothing more to say about that. I need to sit in a quiet corner and think and maybe do some crying or something.
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HEY! LONDON BASED THEATRE FOLK! If you find yourself working on The Cut, don’t get your coffee from Pret. Go to that new WHOA place on the corner of Waterloo Road. It is fucking great coffee.
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It was so predictable and so inevitable I am frankly staggered that it has upset me so much. #poshcuntwankerwins
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It’s been a couple of years since I’ve had that beautiful “first-day-of-rehearsal-for-a-brand-new-play-feeling” for a new play in the UK. But #LightFalls #SarahFrankcom #FuckingJarvisCocker #THATCAST!!! @rxtheatre I AM ON MY WAY!!!!!!
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In the meantime may I take this opportunity to wish all of you sexy cunts a quite glorious Christmas and a fruitful New Year.
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My diet has started. On holiday on the Isle of Man. It is based on sausage rolls; ice cream; millionaire shortbread; IPA and chocolate. I will let you know how I get on.
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For as long as I can remember cultural commentators have talked about masculinity being "in crisis." My thinking this morning is that this is just bollocks. Masculinity is not "in crisis". Sometimes it's just difficult being alive. And a lot of men are just fucking pricks.
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I know of no actor or theatre training currently better than that which the almighty David Bond has established @RWCMD - it is a consistently illuminating place.
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I fucking hate Halloween. If you are over 11 years old and you are celebrating Halloween then you are fucking moron.
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I honestly think I will remember today for the rest of my life. Thats Tom and to all @TFTV_YORK who made today so remarkable. So proud to go back to my old gaff and leave a flipping Doctor! I am a Doctor! A Doctor of Drama!
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Getting home after three days away. The reaction of my dog is unlike any reaction to my return that anybody has ever even come close to pretending was possible. Get a dog. Alright? Just get a dog.
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She's a humble genius and isn't on here and would blush anyway but tonight Paule Constable lights all three stages of @NationalTheatre
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Hey. You lot. I got a job.
Playwright @StephensSimon joins @ManMetUni - Tony Award winning writer is our new Professor of Scriptwriting: mmu.ac.uk/english/about-us/n…
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I am mulling on insisting that every performance of all my plays ever is a relaxed performance. Coz the one of #LightFalls @rxtheatre today filled my heart completely.
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Was the camera her Mum or is that just me? Is that why he could see it because of God and shit? When it let her walk away and she waved goodbye at the end was that her Mum letting her go? Was that as good as television gets? It was wasn’t it?
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I’m 50 pages in to Stephen Jeffrey’s PLAYWRITING @NickHernBooks and have already had two ideas for the play I’m working on, three ideas for new plays and an idea for a new approach to writing. Still the most inspiring of teachers. I miss him. I’m glad he’s not quite gone yet.
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Even the crushingly dull games in this World Cup are intensely dramatic and utterly fascinating.
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With a new song by Jarvis Cocker. Jarvis. Cocker. Jarvis. Fucking. Cocker.
Artistic Director Sarah Frankcom says goodbye to @rxtheatre with an extraordinary new play by @StephensSimon.
LIGHT FALLS connects five relatives in five disparate English towns. A richly layered play about life in the face of death.
>> rxtheat.re/lightfalls
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Day One of rehearsal. The sense of adventure as baffling as ever. This one is kind of unusual. #Fortune #FuckingTokyoMotherfucker
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Fuck off. You’re all cunts. And you know 2019 is gonna be awful.
JOKING!!!!!
I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!
(But 2019 is going to be awful)
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Completely thrilled by this. It’s a superb achievement.
Benedict Cumberbatch to star in new play written by ‘Sherlock’ co-star Andrew Scott | via @SkyNews goo.gl/oemPiU
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Now then. Emerging playwrights with a hankering to refine their craft. I will be announcing something soon with a quite thrilling team that you might be keen to respond to. Watch this space. And follow @McrWritingSchl
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I don’t think Brexit will ever pass. Nor will it ever be revoked. It will stay in this state for hundreds of years. Every year we’ll “extend the deadline”. In time nobody will really know what it means. It will become a baffling bank holiday. Like whitsun.
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A day I will remember for the rest of my life
Yesterday we performed @NationalTheatre #CuriousSchools at @Stockport_Sch for over 200 young people and we were joined by a very special guest. A big thank you to @StephensSimon for coming back to his old school and joining us for the Q&A. What a wonderful experience
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So tomorrow Curious is going to be playing at my old school. Where I went. When I was an often miserable, always lanky and largely spotty teenager. I will be there to see it. I have never been more proud to be part of a show.
Hello from @cayvancoates and the #CuriousSchools team. It’s the last week of our national schools tour of @curiousonstage (boo!) and this morning we’re at @StAnnesRCHS to perform for students and teachers in our first Stockport school of the week (yay)
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A new era of fascism that doesn’t need people who identify themselves as fascists but who nevertheless perpetuate the structures of fascism has arrived and is now running my country and I don’f know what to do about it.
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DOWNSTATE @NationalTheatre demolished me completely. A knotty, complex study of the resilience of kindness in impossible conditions. Amongst the best acting i’ve seen. The astonishing @SteppenwolfThtr . You must see it. It will upset you deeply.
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The day after a production closes. That mix of love and sadness. Doesn’t ALWAYS get me, even on shows I am very proud of. Got me today. I am so fucking grateful to the cast and the team and my soul-sister Frankcom and our audiences and that theatre. #LightFalls @rxtheatre
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I have lived under twelve governments and can remember 10 of them. The extent to which Theresa May’s is the most wildly incompetent, under qualified, inept, embarrassing and ideologically nauseating is bewildering even to me. A wretched fucking shower of governance.
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Some of you are actors. Listen. Actors. Especially those of you starting off. I know very little about screen acting. But I have a hunch that you could do a lot worse than watch the entirety of seasons 1&2 of #mum and watch Peter Mullen make sense of the idea i just tweeted.
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I will be guffawing in your ear like a giggling donkey throughout January and February. In this exciting series I add the new characteristic of genuinely crying in about 4 of them. Dementia perhaps.
It's official: Series 3 of our #PlaywrightsPodcast with @StephensSimon is coming - the first ep arrives on Fri 4 Jan. What a way to start the New Year.
You now have 22 days to listen to the previous 28 eps. We make that 1.27 episodes a day. Go, go, go: bit.ly/RCTPdcst
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A great time for roles that dickheads think can only be played by men being smashed into the stratosphere by kick-ass women. #drwho #JodieWhitaker #companywestend #rosaliecraig
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I have never cried more fully at the theatre than at Grief Is The Thing With Feathers, tonight. I want to see it again and again and again and again. The Murphy/Walsh synthesis is exquisite. One of the great theatre collaborations. Kill other people to see it.
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It strikes me that if men were banned from voting or standing for parliament for a generation the world might sort itself out.
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Death shouldn’t astonish us. It is the only certainty in our experience. But what IS astonishing is life. And the great lives! The fucking amazing lives! And to have been blessed by encountering them! #elysedodgson
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1700 shows later.
It’s been one hell of a trip.
From the National Theatre to the heart of the West End (via 108 cities world wide), thank you for joining us along the way! #CuriousIncident
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You know what the absolute essence of middle age is? Not one present. Not one single present. Not one. None. Thanks for the messages though. They were honestly dead nice. #fuckingbirthdays
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Start recording season two of the @royalcourt playwrights podcast tomorrow. Got some absolute solid gold lined up for you.
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I cry at the theatre all the time. I’ve never not been able to stop crying during the curtain call before and then for an hour or so after. #deathofasalesman demolished me. @youngvictheatre @_elliottharper
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I just managed to successfully put a DVD on. On our telly. Negotiating all the wires and pressing the right buttons on the right remote. Without once asking my kids. I feel fucking amazing.
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Two things that I can observe to be great in this strange and troubling week. 1) Theatre. Went twice this week. Both times were ace. 2) THE FUCKING BEATLES! Man! When was the last time you listened to the Beatles! They fucking rocked.
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The fuckers lose. We win. Tonight Rock'n'roll and a dancing cop and an orange mac and Arianna beat the living shit out of Isis.
Special place, special night but most of all special people everywhere. ❤️#OneLoveManchester
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Fuck a shitting horse with a barmcake! A BLUE PASSPORT?!?! GET THE FUCK IN!!!! YES!!! LIterally EVERYTHING in the world seems fucking fine now!!! I am SO EXCITED!!!! FUCK!!!!! All. Problems. Gone. #blue #passports #bluepassports
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I know there is little chance of reconsideration but I hope that the reaponse today to @guardianstage ‘s decision to not renew Lyn G’s contract has clarified how much they have belittled themselves in the view of British theatre workers.
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I know I am a hyperbolic twat but my God Summer & Smoke @AlmeidaTheatre is astonishing. Sublime performances of a beautiful bruised play and THE DIRECTION BY REBECCA FRECKNALL IS OFF THE FUCKING CHART!!!!
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Putting the kids to bed. In fucking Melbourne. Shit I love Christmas in Melbourne. What a magnificent city. So it will be Christmas for me before some of you. I hope, wherever you are, whatever yoi’re doing, you have a good day tomorrow. I think all of you are fucking smashing.
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Remerkable email from the Government in my Inbox this morning. I mean i’ve sent some tonally pretty fucking ill-advised emails in my time but THAT was hardcore.
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Absolutely fucking banging news. A great artist. A great artistic director. I am fucking thrilled.
NEWS! Rachel O’Riordan is announced as our new Artistic Director and Joint Chief Executive. We can’t wait for Rachel to join us next February, read all about our news here: lyric.co.uk/our-home/lyric-l…
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I can't stop thinking about the Arsenal job now. But in the meantime....
STOP what you are doing and clear your plans from 18 – 30 June, because Andrew Scott and @StephensSimon’s #SeaWall is coming to The Old Vic FOR JUST TWO WEEKS.
Tickets go on general sale at 12pm on Friday and start from £10: goo.gl/QLguAF
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That the club failed to learn the lessons of the Busby succession proves that all history is good for is the irony of not learning from it.
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Can you imagine the outpouring of respect for @guardianstage if they DID change their mind about Lyn Gardener? RT if you would subscribe or maintain your subscription to @guardian in the event of them changing their mind.
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Happy New Year you lot. You’re gorgeous. All of you. I hope this is the year you all win. You all, all of you, engorge me. And at my age that is pretty fucking spectacular. Have an ace ace ace ace night. Xxxx
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I have to say I find this oddly persuasive. Do suspend your prejudice and at least have a look. thetorymanifesto.com/
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One of the finest readers; smartest thinkers; most nuanced directors; most urgent collaborators and one of the dearest friends that I have. FUCK ME LAMDA YOU LUCKY FUCKERS!
Announced today, Sarah Frankcom steps down as Artistic Director of the Royal Exchange Theatre >> royalexchange.co.uk/sarah-fr…
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For a few years we made something rather beautiful exist in London that hadn't existed before and I am proud of being part of that. #curious
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Lesley Manville. Lesley Manville. Lesley Manville. Lesley Manville. Lesley Manville. Lesley Manville. Lesley Manville. Lesley Manville. Lesley Manville. Lesley Manville. Lesley Manville. Lesley Manville. . We. Are. Not. Worthy. #Mum
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I've seen very few scenes on television as complete and beautiful as Karl Johnson dancing to Girls Just Wanna Have Fun and then stopping dancing to be with his wife. Completely, completely sublime. #mum
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A theatre culture without a searching and robust critical culture atrophies. It leans towards self-congratulation. The news that the @EveningStandard is abandoning its theatre criticism, while presumably continuing its nauseating Awards evening, is a real blow.
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Can I buy the rights to write the Sean Spicer play? I think I'dnail it. The comedy. The psychosis. The inevitable nude live TV suicide.
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So by episode 4 of #Mum I was starting to worry that Jason was being such a twat that I would lose sympathy and THEN @SamSwainsbury you did the most raw, honest, devastating TV crying I can remember seeing and reduced me to a mess. Writing and acting of the highest order.
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A statement of clarity and anger. I have such respect and affection for Kwame and admiration for Idris, as the writers do. But this just seems unfair. For what its worth I've never heard of this happening in theatre before. I hope it is made right. Big love to these artists.
Nothing about this is easy but we have to be the change that we want to see. My mental health is suffering as a result so I’m gonna be off the radar for a couple days but enough now, time to #BurnBright. Love you Queen @sarahhenleyuk. Here’s our story. bit.ly/2xryx1r
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I think that in 2017 the story tellers need to reclaim our stories from the cunts and liars and thieves and shits who have stolen them.
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Fucking loving being back in Hamburg. Everybody is cool and they are all always doing cool shit and saying cool things. Europe is fucking great. I might stay.
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Seriously though. How good is Paddington 2? I mean I know it’s “London” sends me into ideological confusion. But it’s glorious and silly and HUGH FUCKING GRANT IS ACE!!! And the best post-film credit sequence ever????
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The @guardian Lyn Gardner blog has been a rare corner of real thought about our art form. To lose it and her intelligence is a massive loss.
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