Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
76
9,340
65,126
1,931,502
How do men find things when they live alone?
9,525
1,362
17,560
Sorry, can’t. I’m in an isolationship.
36
3,553
12,113
444,067
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
906
732
9,304
How do men find things when they live alone?
2,835
355
5,237
496,974
I spend my entire day looking for the opportunity to take a nap.
20
1,096
5,692
162,185
Not enough credit is given to the friends who show up out of the blue, spend the day laughing with you, and then disappear for another 6 months.
14
376
4,753
122,796
My personal style can best be described as hoping I don’t run into anyone I know.
19
647
4,642
121,165
Replying to @DecodingFoxNews
Tell me you have no idea what you’re talking about without telling me you have no idea what you’re talking about.
100
26
4,652
102,913
Replying to @HouseDemocrats
We all voted for President Trump, recognizing that Elon, RFK Jr., Tulsi, Tom, and Kash came with the deal.
203
819
4,550
147,647
My sexual preference is to have sex.
184
426
3,417
I wanted to be healthy and buy organic vegetables, but all they have at this krispy kreme are donuts.
39
209
3,579
99,327
Replying to @AndyOstroy
Hello. We’re 37 TRILLION dollars in debt, carrying a 2 TRILLION dollar deficit, and 9 TRILLION dollars have to be refinanced in 2025 thanks to 12 of the last 16 yrs being controlled by democrats and Biden’s insane government spending. Trump can only stop the great depression if the dem’s stop lying and crying about it and let him do his job.
367
285
3,676
180,310
How do people have casual sex without falling in love?
1,576
202
2,519
I’m single by choice. Not my choice. Everyone else’s choice.
166
246
2,182
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
40
82
2,236
54,582
Sorry, can’t. I already talked to people today and once was enough.
16
372
2,231
70,815
So, if I don’t go big I can go home?
67
483
2,030
97,144
So single that the remote, phone, and laptop have their own side of the bed and a pillow.
69
223
2,125
63,000
I don’t need much. Just morning sex, morning coffee, and $100,000.
375
131
1,844
You deserve morning sex and coffee.
324
117
1,763
What movie traumatized you?
4,701
190
1,737
I always thought that adulthood would come with a lot more sex.
307
118
1,668
160,090
Replying to @adamcarolla
Google “embezzlement of school funds” and see how many stories there are all over the country. Only 25% of federal funding makes it out of the bureaucracy to the schools. That money is largely unaccounted for due to lack of accountability.
49
285
1,941
80,816
Watching the markets and your 401k collapse
Kyle Becker
137
630
1,774
234,473
Replying to @Strandjunker
If you think the Pope is christlike, you’re lost.
27
8
1,813
48,098
Replying to @TRUMP_ARMY_
82
236
1,801
47,433
I’m single by choice. Not my choice. Everyone else’s choice.
137
236
1,477
64,856
Replying to @DramaAlert
One of the last Hollywood good guys.
TMZ
12
163
1,630
82,444
Have you tried self sabotaging about it?
29
261
1,526
85,193
Replying to @LangmanVince
Cracker Barrels stock price took an immediate hit after the rebranding.
70
165
1,585
22,242
I always thought that adulthood would come with a lot more sex.
288
90
1,288
108,343
Replying to @RealCalvin1
He has essentially never had a job. Deep State plant?
110
427
1,504
28,397
Replying to @LangmanVince
I don’t think the democratic party will ever recover from going completely insane.
8
14
1,328
8,686
Replying to @DefiantLs
Liberals cancelling liberal companies over a guy with only 130,000 viewers is pure comedy.
12
49
1,385
9,778
Replying to @TheChiefNerd
Kimmel openly celebrates other people losing their jobs. 🤷‍♀️
The Vigilant Fox 🦊
25
309
1,298
24,241
It takes 16 muscles to turn over and fall back asleep. Follow me for more fitness tips.
31
175
1,112
52,044
Replying to @MSNOWComms @MSNBCPR
Dispicable
142
231
1,264
19,645
Men use love to get sex. Women use sex to get love. I use uber eats to get donuts.
134
106
1,024
62,684
I’m at that age where going out to party sounds fun if I can do it from my couch.
74
105
1,004
Replying to @JDunlap1974
Do you trust a man who needed a pardon for his corruption, or the person exposing the corruption. 🔥
🔥🇺🇸 KC 🇺🇸🔥
9
192
1,156
15,475
My gym sent me a bill for membership renewal, so I sent them a picture of me eating donuts at my desk.
19
550
974
Replying to @RepSaraJacobs
Just another example of a democrat doing the dumbest thing they can think of in order to tank the party further.
9
90
1,073
10,084
At my age sex requires a safety briefing.
175
83
910
112,347
At my age, "getting lucky" means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
25
481
912
Why would a woman come with instructions? Have you ever seen a man read instructions?
54
703
947
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries.
20
136
1,013
35,462
Replying to @iAnonPatriot
45
131
1,081
32,777
I just sold a snowblower on facebook marketplace. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up on a Saturday morning.
58
108
902
Replying to @danzu72
Bill Clinton reduced the Federal workforce by 377,000 employee’s and fired all of the US attorneys. All of Joe Biden’s job and inflation numbers had to be revised.
Joe Biden's final jobs report is out and it's a doozy. - 589,000 jobs revised into oblivion - 70% of jobs created in the government sector - 99.2% of jobs going to foreign-born workers This is the mess they’re handing Donald Trump.
18
211
1,057
25,663
Replying to @MarcoFoster_
5
103
1,023
13,673
I just sent a text that says "we really need to talk" to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
25
541
818
Replying to @IanJaeger29
After $45.73 million dollars in government grants, the Kennedy Center announces that they’re broke and the treasurer resigns. 🧐
41
105
875
9,638
Of course size matters. Nobody wants a small pizza.
25
584
772
Replying to @DefiantLs
There are unelected billionaires who should not have a greater voice than the working people of Wisconsin.
11
142
850
6,613
Replying to @HustleBitch_
Cities do this all of the time. The difference under Trump is the federal government stepping in and offering them housing and treatment as opposed to what they normally do, which is just leave them there with nothing.
3
56
870
6,613
The trick is to find someone who will love you even when you’re not naked.
49
96
762
36,068
Replying to @TalbertSwan
Democrats become domestic terrorists because of a government audit. The left is going completely insane.
16
82
803
7,277
Replying to @michaelt5656
Fake News
17
40
783
9,643
Why do Oreo’s claim that there are 20 servings in a box? I only counted one.
46
68
701
28,606
If you love someone set them free and hope they come back with Chinese takeout.
47
154
690
30,064
Replying to @DefiantLs
Unaffordable prices happened under Biden -
12
99
789
9,060
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I'm not sure if I'm going to bed, or to Walmart.
27
348
678
Sex is great and all, but have you ever made a room full of people laugh?
229
65
635
25,563
Replying to @Milajoy
Stop believing democrats and you’ll be fine. 🤣😂🤣
Rapid Response 47
2
95
768
14,934
All I’m saying is, the only time I’ve cleared the table in a moment of passion, it was to make room for pizza.
19
103
641
28,487
I moan in bed a lot for someone who’s just moving pillows around and turning from one side to the other.
69
86
635
Replying to @TRIGGERHAPPYV1
Hopefully they’re divorced and she was recording to prove his behavior to the courts.
171
663
430,141
If you don’t click the button at least 5 times to make sure the car is locked, do you even love your car?
20
54
636
28,806
Replying to @briantylercohen
Biden took the nation from 27.8 trillion to 36.2 trillion in debt and used most of the money for Ukraine and illegal immigration.
118
21
660
73,634
Imagine falling in love and then finding out that they don’t like tacos.
189
69
598
43,304
At my age sex requires a safety briefing.
98
44
572
49,899
There's not a narcissistic bone in my smoking hot body.
13
314
593
Still loved and 💯% supported no matter what the fake news tells you.
29
61
677
5,570
Replying to @WesternLensman
How Nancy Pelosi actually treats children :
Benny Johnson
84
282
645
19,891
Replying to @stuartpstevens
Nobody hates trans people. It’s very simply that nobody wants their kids indoctrinated in school and nobody wants men invading women’s spaces. I know gay and trans people and I love them for who they are. I don’t like predatory behavior.
304
10
656
24,057
Replying to @ChrisMurphyCT
Daily reminder that if democrats wanted to open the government, they would
The Patriot Oasis™
13
107
667
7,047
Replying to @daviddunn177
That makes no sense. Nobody firebombed congress. She’s advocating for domestic terrorism and the people responsible for J6 went to prison for 4 yrs, most of them without a trial. The democrats who burned down cities and rioted multiple times though? Nothing.
127
13
648
19,718
Replying to @mmpadellan
Liberal indoctrination destroying lives. Sorry to destroy your narrative, but the kid wasn’t a Trump supporter.
30
56
639
21,931
Replying to @funder
No one. You would be standing on the front lines of WWIII, taxed at 40%, taxed on unrealized gains, and arrested for your facebook posts while she gave $25,000 down payments on houses to illegals and social security, medicaid and FEMA would be completely drained because those were going to illegals as well. 🤷‍♀️
41
29
632
16,289
Replying to @ThomasSowell
She makes a strong case for only allowing natural born citizens to hold office.
4
17
644
7,326
Replying to @DailyCaller
2
131
642
6,966
There are people out there running marathons and I’m just on the couch trying to drag the remote and m&m’s over to me with a pillow.
49
58
546
22,224
Replying to @bennyjohnson
10
64
643
5,107
Replying to @BGatesIsaPyscho
The bravery of this woman.
7
3
583
95,079
Replying to @allenanalysis
How dare Trump make Union Station clean and safe for the citizens…oh no!! 😂🤣😂🤣. Reality :
Paul A. Szypula 🇺🇸
7
68
619
8,491
A wildly inappropriate mind is a terrible thing to waste.
18
388
565
My stripper name is 'Cover that up. Nobody wants to see that'.
13
266
540
Replying to @JessicaTarlov
It’s so sad that a human trafficking, wife beating, gang member was deported to his home country…..said no reasonable person.
11
96
608
7,828
My fitbit told me that it’s time to get up and move, so I’m going to get snacks.
20
48
570
21,223
Replying to @DefiantLs
Ummmmmm……
2
24
602
9,584
Replying to @adgirlMM
That 19% approval rating for the democratic party is slipping further as they continue to devolve. 😂🤣😂
21
4
575
6,297
Replying to @ThomasSowell
So hard to maintain perspective when you live in a $12 million dollar mansion with a net worth of $70 million, but had to pay for food like a simple common person. 😂🤣😂🤦‍♀️
6
25
599
8,678
Replying to @GuntherEagleman
No, but I’m hoping for this 👇🤣
46
48
597
4,309
It turns out that I don't even need alcohol to make bad decisions.
13
361
511
So many yoga pants, so little yoga.
12
287
491
Sex is great and all, but have you ever skipped out of work just to have fun?
120
57
438
27,697
Replying to @data_republican
Conspiracy to overthrow the president is Seditious Conspiracy, 18 U.S.C. § 2384.
10
58
545
6,299