Poison for dinner? Again? 📸 IG: @samgrittner
WFH INSIDE MY COFFIN, BK, NYC
- Tweets 30,872
- Following 1,044
- Followers 43,880
- Likes 116,463
Pinned Tweet
Just clocking out from the nuclear waste factory and boy are my arms fourteen legs.
20
142
12,921
Parts of Mississippi don’t have usable drinking water. Incredible journalism here.
351
13,989
123,198
It takes two weeks before you can be a server at TGIFriday’s
Harvey Weinstein Completes 1-Week Outpatient Program, Psychologist Says 'He Took it Seriously' dlvr.it/PwndNG
231
13,441
50,680
I'm disappointed in Sarah Palin more than any other human being. She saw what Russia was doing from her backyard and chose to say nothing.
434
16,817
42,631
MTV TRUE LIFE: I Hated Obamacare But When I Found Out It Was The ACA That I Depend On I Learned I Was Just Racist
94
14,992
28,455
Twitter allows Nazis a safe space and let’s an unhinged President threaten nuclear war.
Facebook allows misleading news stories to come across as legitimate.
YouTube is standing by a man that made a joke out of a suicide.
What I’m saying is: only you can save us now, PornHub.
145
9,052
25,087
My parrot died today. Its last words were, "Fuck, I think my parrot is about to die."
120
9,769
25,417
Please tell me AOC used to own a gun
Conservative calls for cookie boycott because AOC used to be a Girl Scout rawstory.com/2019/03/conserv…
68
2,069
21,099
Exactly one year ago I was in a psych ward on my 35th birthday and wanted and hoped to die. Today, I'm over 6 months completely sober and going bowling with friends and am so happy and grateful to be alive. If you're in a bad place, please remember: now isn't forever.
278
2,521
20,297
I just have two questions about Space Force:
1) When will Flint, Michigan have clean water?
2) When will Puerto Rico have power?
205
5,525
17,780
1. Buy cheap umbrella
2. Have it die on you mid-storm
3. Buy expensive umbrella
4. Forget it on public transportation
5. Repeat steps 1-4 until you die
180
4,496
18,782
Hillary has to debate Trump while fact-checking him. Can you imagine it? A woman having to work twice as hard as a man for the same position
78
9,364
15,190
Millennials are selfish & entitled, said the generation that made a cure for old men lacking boners while the ice caps disappeared forever.
143
8,296
13,506
.@DonaldJTrumpJr please tell me what happens when the shooter is white and supports your dadddddy?
111
5,060
12,665
TEEN VOGUE: Trump National Security Advisor Met With Head of a Neo-Nazi Movement
CNN: How Many Clouds Does It Take To Hold Prince's Guitars?
54
5,080
10,784
*puts out arm*
*falcon lands on it, perfectly*
"I want everyone to know: I trained this bird."
*mouths to falcon: who the fuck are you?*
30
4,130
10,635
I am 9 months sober today. I haven’t been clean this long since I was 16. I never thought I could do this. Every day is a struggle but it is worth all the time and effort I put in. I still have bad days but mostly my life is incredible and I’m happy. If I can do it, anyone can.
365
172
10,209
Celebrating the 4th of July this year feels like throwing a birthday party for someone who’s been kidnapped.
72
2,229
9,729
COMPUTER: Assemble the worst possible sentence at this moment in time, sans Trump
37
2,181
8,869
Halloween is coming up and I still have no idea what I'm going to be for the rest of my life.
20
5,277
9,615
I’ve lived in NYC for over 15 years. This is the most NYC thing I’ve ever encountered.
143
517
9,638
Today I am 6 months sober. I wouldn't be here without the love and support of so many friends, family, and strangers. I am still an extremely flawed human being but I'm doing my best to become a better person. I simply can't express how much gratitude I have today. Life is good.
360
170
7,906
The audacity of Mike Pence telling gay people they need conversion therapy when he hasn't even finished transitioning from mayonnaise-gargoyle to human being is absolutely stunning.
37
1,150
7,474
If Google ever goes down and stays down, I'm fucked. I know four facts and they're all about elephants and I already forgot three of them.
35
3,106
7,324
They don't hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It's Restockholm syndrome.
32
3,715
6,894
POLICE OFFICER: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
ME: "Because you know I love riddles."
36
2,646
6,539
GOP: We burned down your house
ME: What?!
GOP: You're getting a new one!
ME: When do I move in?
GOP: The blueprints will be ready in 2 years
40
2,328
6,083
I love my new job. I move in to my new place on Saturday. In 8 days I’ll have 9 months sober. I honestly feel like I’m living someone else’s life. I don’t have the words to express my gratitude or how lucky I feel. If you’re in a dark place, don’t give up. Life can get amazing.
118
265
6,397
hey media you wanted a horserace, you got it! great job on treating a serial liar the same as a woman with 30 years of experience. RATINGS!
65
2,762
5,850
The fact that immigrants know that Donald Trump is President and still try to enter this country should tell you just how bad it is in the places they're trying to escape from.
39
1,297
5,497
When you can't stop thinking about how how big your new pool will be at the expense of dead children and old people.
97
2,417
5,011
*Paul Ryan pulls a quarter out from behind my ear*
ME: “Is that supposed to be a magic trick?”
RYAN: “That’s the magic of your tax cut!”
ME: “That’s fucking it?”
RYAN: “Now, watch me make Medicaid disappear!”
17
1,495
5,194
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
65
389
5,477
I am 7 months sober today. This last month has been really challenging but I'm taking it a day at a time and I simply cannot properly express with words how much gratitude I have and how lucky I feel just to be alive.
233
55
4,941
I need an app that's just Michelle Obama reassuring me that everything is going to be okay.
40
1,838
4,508
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
29
372
4,941
20s: I got my whole life ahead of me!
30s: What the dick happened where is time going
40s: FUCK
50s: Fuck it
60s: Neat my skin's translucent
44
1,904
4,412
"Son, when I was your age we had to walk 50 miles uphill, in the snow with no shoes just to find out if hot, local singles were in the area"
10
2,276
4,232
*footage of beto o’rourke jumping a motorcycle across the grand canyon*
“Texas, is this who you want as your Senator? A man who defies death and looks sexy as hell while doing it?”
“I’m Ted Cruz and I approved this message.”
“I’m Beto O’Rourke and I also approved this message.”
18
510
4,138
*loses touch with reality*
*awkwardly runs into reality at the grocery store*
R: "So... how are things?"
ME: "I'm growing tigers in my car."
11
1,549
4,054
Men are 3x more likely to commit suicide than women. So, on this #InternationalMensDay, I'm reposting these essays about my struggles with severe depression and attempted suicide. Real men ask for help. You're not alone.
-medium.com/bigger-picture/a-…
-medium.com/@samgrittner/dyin…
95
1,636
4,076
Why is it only teachers that have substitutes? I want substitute every occupation. Imagine getting pulled over by a substitute cop and instead of getting a ticket/murdered they just make you watch “STAND BY ME” on their iPhone.
17
382
4,550
I just want to be sober again and I know it's possible but right now I feel completely trapped. A good friend is taking me to to some meetings today. Please send love. I feel utterly lost. HAPPY 4th!
431
32
3,954
CAPITALISM: All you have to do is work every day at a job you hate the rest of your life so you can scrape by until you die
ME: Will it make me happy?
CAPITALISM: No but you get to buy a bunch of shiny things you don’t really need
ME: Will those make me happy?
CAPITALISM: Also no
25
965
3,864
8.5 months ago I was suicidal, unemployable, and irresponsible. I was lucky enough to have two dear friends let me move in with them. I will soon be working two jobs and I am moving to a new place this month. Sobriety has not only saved my life but given me a new one.
82
92
3,740
I’m all for a “Home Alone” reboot just as long as everything is exactly the same as the original and 8-year-old Macaulay Culkin is played by 38-year-old Macaulay Culkin.
31
425
3,838
Want to buy a gun? Cool. Promise you're not crazy. Promise? Cool. Want birth control? Whoa, lady. Let me ask five old dudes real slow first
25
2,260
3,427
Taking a break from Twitter taught me some invaluable lessons:
• No one cares if you leave
• No one cares if you come back
• This isn’t reality
• None of this matters
• It’s a toxic habit that has melted my brain like an Andes mint on the sun
• I’ll never leave again
39
384
3,428
FUNERAL INSTRUCTIONS:
* Open casket
* Free bag of tortilla chips upon entrance
* My dead hands hold the bowl of salsa
25
2,054
3,565
“Tide Pods are now locked up. You’ll need to show proof of ownership of a washing machine and undergo a background check to buy any. Our #1 priority is the safety of our citizens. Also: here’s a free gun. The serial number is scratched off and it’s preloaded with ammo.” - America
42
929
3,313
DAD: Pass the stuffing
ME: *waits 20 minutes*
DAD: What’s the hold up?
ME: Give me $20
DAD: Are you out of your mind?
ME: Do you want me to explain Net Neutrality or not?
10
1,035
3,386
I don’t hit one year sober till Tuesday but I get to celebrate with some of my best friends and receive my coin tonight.
176
37
3,465
I will have five months completely sober tomorrow but they gave me my chip today. I am so grateful to be alive and surrounded by such amazing people in my life. If you are suffering it doesn’t have to be that way. You can change and you deserve happiness.
135
82
3,286
Nothing would make me happier than the day after Hillary is sworn in and Barack Obama reveals he's actually 3 Kenyan kids in a trench coat.
22
992
3,194
Being an adult is like being a Quentin Tarantino movie: it starts out real cool, there's lots of cursing, it's very confusing, everyone dies
37
2,439
3,290
At this point the only reason to build a wall is to keep Americans from trying to escape across the border.
74
1,099
2,824
FACEBOOK: Yesterday’s news today!
INSTAGRAM: Yesterday’s pictures today!
TWITTER: MURDER GOAT HAS ESCAPED AGAIN, CIVIL WAR HAS ERUPTED IN SOUTH FLORIDA, DOGS!, LIVE HELICOPTER CHASE OF MURDER GOAT, WATCH CHARLES MANSON EAT HIS LAST PLATE OF SPAGHETTI LIVE RIGHT NOW
20
641
3,090
Wait wait wait..... if there are gay characters in "Star Wars" what's next? Swords made out of lasers? Robots that talk? Outer space?
13
1,475
2,930
Two of my roommates are a couple and they’re both actors. They have been screaming and arguing for the last 20 minutes. I walked downstairs and one of them said, “And scene!” and they pretended they were rehearsing. This is the 3rd time this has happened and it’s still amazing.
16
200
3,202
A fun thing my friends and I are doing every day is making plans and then the day of, canceling last minute and making up more and more absurd excuses why. Can’t recommend it enough.
8
388
3,243
At midnight I will have 30 days completely sober. This is a huge deal for me. I'll be doing sober activities during the day and treating myself to a nice dinner that I can't afford. Thank you to everyone who has supported me, I CANNOT do this by myself. I am extremely humbled.
141
54
2,816
My Uber driver just told the other passenger in the car to get off her phone or he would kick her out.
UBER DRIVER: “No one interrupts Lizzo”
Is $100 enough for a tip?
12
127
2,969
When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years.
10
921
2,676
