Emmy Award-Winning writer for @TheSimpsons. Acclaimed public speaker.
NY | Los Angeles | The World
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- Following 425
- Followers 23,323
- Likes 32,852
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My new travel book is out!
BAD TRIPS: 52 WEEKS OF WEIRD TRAVEL!
Funny stories and 100+ color photos!
amazon.com/dp/B0H3BDMGFP?ref…
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I gave Mom my Emmy for Mother's Day 1990. After her funeral yesterday, I got it back.
It was like winning the Emmy for Best New Orphan!
(Mom would've loved this joke.)
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The people who condemned kids for eating Tide Pods are now gobbling horse poison like there's no tomorrow.
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Jimmy Carter's grandson told me he'd urged Jimmy to watch @TheSimpsons for its 'smart political satire'.
In the first episode Jimmy saw, we called him 'history's greatest monster'.
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People are angry we killed off this guy on @TheSimpsons ?
I've worked there for 35 years and I didn't even know his name!
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In 1993, we had no end for @TheSimpsons Halloween show. I said, "End it like A Charlie Brown Christmas. It can snow in the kitchen."
31 years later I see the gag on display at the SF Cartoon Art Museum.
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When working on the Mr. Plow show, we heard that William Friedkin was a fan of @TheSimpsons. So we put in a parody of his film SORCERER just for him. Years later he visited the show, charmed everyone, and even wound up as a guest star. RIP a great guy.
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MY JOKE THAT WAS REJECTED BY @TheSimpsons
"This is Skull Island, named for its discoverer, Sir Roger Skull."
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Who Should Play John, Paul, George and Ringo in the Beatles Movies? variety.com/lists/sam-mendes…
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In case you're interested, Michael Douglas in the film "Falling Down" inspired the design of Frank Grimes on @TheSimpsons.
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Parents cheated to get their kids into Ivy League colleges. This was part of a larger scam known as Ivy League colleges.
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It's unfair to compare Trump to Hitler, although they both seem eager to kill my grandparents.
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Farewell to the adorably brilliant Pamela Hayden. Up to now, people only left @TheSimpsons cast by dying.
Thank you for 35 years of Milhouse and so many more, Pamela Hayden!
Watch her final performance on #TheSimpsons this Sunday on @FOXTV, next day on @hulu.
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ABBOT & COSTELLO MEET JORDAN PEELE
BUD: You know Jordan Peele's new film?
LOU: Nope.
BUD: Exactly. And didn't we see his last one together?
LOU: Us?
BUD: Precisely. You're a film scholar!
LOU: Get out!
BUD: That's his first film.
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Yes, the sub that's gone missing is the same one I took down to the Titanic. I wish everyone involved the best of luck.
For my experiences, listen to my podcast:
bleav.com/shows/what-am-i-do…
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Tonight, my wife and I appear on @TheSimpsons !
In the background.
For about 2 seconds.
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There are two Beatles and two Monkees still alive. I propose they join forces for the Beakees. Best of all, we've still got one of each: a cute one, a funny one, a shy one and Ringo.
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TRUE STORY
A few days after 9/11 2001, I did a book signing with the author of THE LITTLE SKYSCRAPER, about a little building who can see the sun once two larger skyscrapers are torn down. The author told me, "This was probably not the best week to release this book."
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Happy Birthday to @AlJean! If you love @TheSimpsons, it's because Al spent half his life taking his work home with him.
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As we sanctify Jimmy Carter, let’s remember this country overwhelmingly ditched him for a lazy shallow actor.
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Aunt Jemima discontinued for racism, Mrs. Butterworth for fat-shaming, Hungry Jack for eating disorder, and Log Cabin because six dead hoboes were found in it.
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I like watching ten year old episodes of SHARK TANK, knowing nothing the Sharks invested in ever took off.
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I've arranged these lions by the pitch of their roars. I will now play The Bells of Saint Mary's by yanking their tails.
--Mike Reiss
1959-2022
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Today is Johnny Carson's 100th birthday.
I was working for him on his 60th birthday. We threw him a tiny party backstage. He seemed nervous to be with 6 of his employees. He just wanted to go onstage and perform for 5 million strangers.
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Obama came between the two worst presidents in US history. He's the STAR TREK IV of Presidents.
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TRUE STORY!
DENISE: Do you like @TheSimpsons ? My husband writes for the show.
BIDEN: Sure! I love The Simpsons!
ME: You wanna do a guest voice?
BIDEN: I don't know. I'm not in SAG.
ME: Dude, it pays $400!
(Biden laughed!)
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In loving memory of Marc Wilmore, writer of a dozen episodes of @TheSimpsons. Great on the page, hilarious in the room, and one of the warmest guys I ever had the joy to work with.
simpsons.fandom.com/wiki/Mar…
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I met Larry King when he appeared in the blowfish episode of @TheSimpsons. We were both getting donuts at the snack table: Larry rhapsodized about donuts, reminisced about his favorite donuts, interviewed me about my feelings on donuts. Nice man.
He was 'that guy' 24/7.
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If America were an episode of @TheSimpsons, this would be the point where Lisa calms the angry mob with a celebrity guest star.
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Happy birthdays to showrunner of @TheSimpsons, @AlJean and Richard Nixon.
You've both given the world so much laughter.
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If this is in @jortved's book, it's yet another mistake. @AlJean directed Liz Taylor, and although she did say FU, it was a joke -- she did it with a smile in a baby voice. She didn't storm out either -- she hung around to meet everyone. One of our all-time great guests.
Elizabeth Taylor had to record the line numerous times before the producers were satisfied. Per @jortved, “Taylor said ‘Fuck you’ to Matt Groening and stormed out of the recording session after he made her read the line more than 20 times. He said it kept sounding ‘too sexual.’”
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I saw Kamala speak in person and she quoted this line from #TheSimpsons.
She's got my vote!
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TRUMP: Your kid fell off the roof. I was going to tell you he was up there, but I didn't want to panic you.
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I assume this Peruvian paddle boat company cleared this with Fox, Disney and @TheSimpsons.
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Delighted to see this @TheSimpsons figurine in Barcelona...
...till I noticed Homer was taking a big yellow dump.
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You catch a lot on the second viewing of GLASS ONION that you didn't notice the first time. Like, it sucks.
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My wife & I are thrilled to be appearing on @TheSimpsons, even if we don't look it.
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Twenty years ago I sold Adam Sandler a dramatic screenplay about a depressed 800-pound man who can't leave his home.
He never did the script, telling me, "I just didn't want to wear the fat suit, man."
Congrats to Oscar-winner Brendan Fraser for wearing the fat suit.
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Rudy Giuliani has the rare distinction of being a guest on @TheSimpsons and a worse lawyer than Lionel Hutz.
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36 years ago today I married @denisereiss18
Shortly after, I started working on @TheSimpsons .
No one can believe these are both still going.
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The Queen Mary 2 features a bronze mural on America's Greatness. And if you look closely, you'll see @TheSimpsons' Homer watching TV!
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Thanks to the 100+ @TheSimpsons fans who registered for my lecture tonight, and the 42 who actually showed up.
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Trump falls asleep at own trial and farts repeatedly.
You wouldn't even write that for Homer Simpson.
Peter Griffin, maybe.
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A great drag name for @elonmusk would be "Sissy SpaceX"
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Mitch McConnell is doing stuff we wouldn't write for Grampa on @TheSimpsons
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Just for that, I'm never watching the Drew Barrymore Show again, starting five years ago.
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So proud I pitched Green Day to open @TheSimpsons Movie.
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You could never make BLAZING SADDLES today.
Mostly because everyone in the cast is dead.
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JAMES CAMERON: I put thirteen years and $350 million into my Avatar sequel.
STUDIO: Cool! What’s the plot?
JAMES CAMERON: Plot?
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Woo-hoo! Thanks to my 20,000 followers!
I repeat my vow to give you one good joke a day.
Just like the Jimmy Fallon Show.
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RIP Tom Lehrer. Every comedy writer of my generation adored his amazing work.
piped.video/watch?v=3f72CTDe…
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There's a great comic turn in TOMORROW WAR by former @TheSimpsons production assistant Mike Mitchell.
How can he save the world when he never got my lunch order right?
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In a neat switch, America has become a parody of @TheSimpsons.
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I heartily endorse this list of best one-off characters on @TheSimpsons. And not just because I was the model for #1, Mr. Bergstrom.
slashfilm.com/607508/the-bes…
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If the Adderall ever gives Trump a coronary, the headline will be PILLS BURY DOUGH BOY
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Hidden message in my note to Trump: first letter of lines!
You suck
Oh, you suck
U suck
Suck, you do
U suck
Christ, you suck
KKK & you suck
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