comedian
- Tweets 8,894
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- Followers 36,830
- Likes 17,680
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when your girlfriend runs into her friend and you’re stuck with the other boyfriend
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I watched House for the first time and was like “wow why isn’t this more popular” and it turns out it came out in 2004 and was the most popular show in the world for 8 years
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Today at 0800 hours I was informed that my 3rd grade taekwondo class had portraits taken...this is my story
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i love exposed brick. sure i see bricks outside all the time, but once they're inside? that’s when things really change for me
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DENTAL HYGIENIST: your teeth and gums are moments from death. Quit your job so you can floss 16 times an hour. I hate you!
DENTIST: looks good!
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“actually we’ve met before” okay well I don’t remember you. Have you considered being less forgettable and insignificant
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how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
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You gotta love how every New Year’s Eve CNN is like “instead of the news tonight everyone who works for us is gonna get blackout on live tv”
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I love when they turn a beautiful old building into a chain store. Just a CVS with massive chandeliers like “this was americas first post office! Welcome to hell”
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Prophet Amen Ra - 預言者アーメン-ラー
You know sometimes after you pee it still feels like you need to pee? That’s the stage of the pandemic we’re in
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Pimp my Ride was insane. some guy would be like “i need to fix my camry so i can get to work” and Xzibit was like “ok well we turned your trunk into a fish tank."
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Hey babies pushing dolls in little strollers: the jig is up. we know you're a baby too.
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the cdc joke format is the most united we have felt since the 2 days last year when everyone was allowed to like joe biden
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Dobby did not participate in the Harry Potter reunion because he was seen at the Capitol Riot
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parents love texting "call me as soon as you can." then being like "i just wanted to know if you'd seen westworld"
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Every flight they’re like “listen we built the plane for 300 people and 8 bags. We goofed. We need some volunteers to throw all their stuff away”
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My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
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joe exotic has coronavirus. finally, the only two things i think about are now just one thing.
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every elderly couple's love story is like "i threw rocks at your grandmother every day until she agreed to marry me"
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this is the worst day of my life
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You clap when the plane lands? That’s cute. I clap the entire flight. Sit down sweetie 😘
my hands are bleeding
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being a baby's like being blacked out. you dont remember anything, but people show you pictures like "that was you. you threw up right after this”
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High school was wild. No taxes, getting colds every month, carrying an 80 pound backpack everywhere. Tough to beat
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i wish euphoria had more storylines reflective of my life in high school (wearing basketball shorts every day of the year, getting a penny stuck in my steering wheel so whenever i turned left it honked for 2 mins, losing my virginity to a girl who said "tell no one about this")
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At this point getting a wedding invitation is just getting a bill. I open it up like “alright that’s $800. Better cancel Disney plus”
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Shoutout to NASA. Fully coasting off of going to the moon 50 years ago. Every few months they put out a press release like “space is wild”
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Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes
Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t
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POV: you’re walking through downtown Portland at 11pm
Mysterious Semblance At The Strand Of Nightmares
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Woa! I dunno how the Game of Thrones folks come up with it but "the big arrows worked and now this week, they dont"?? Blowing my mind, absolutely savage
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Arnold Schwarzenegger is living in my personal heaven and i must accept that
nitter.app/joetoenails/status/110…
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basic rule of thumb: if your name is carved into a manatee, you are probably the bad guy
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I love when you get a hotel coffee and you have to double check like “am I drinking cigarettes”
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more than five american flags in your yard=one confederate flag. that is the current exchange rate
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i live above a bar, so you know what that means! every night im down there, shushing people in a nightcap holding a candle on a plate
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Last night I went to see the new horror movie HERETIC. The theater instead played the Tom Hanks movie HERE. A small number of people complained but the majority of the theater accepted the change. Terrifying insight into human behavior
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do you ever just forget about the coronavirus for two seconds then remember it like “oh shit” lol
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I have done improv exactly once and my friend who went to the show said “it was like watching my dad get beat up”
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i'm sure nasa did a test run of blowing up an asteroid with a missile just for fun and for no immediate planet threatening reason we will learn about next month
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the ultimate normal guy, who has definitely done this activity before, believes the candy goes on top of the children rather than in the pumpkin bucket. we love to see it.
stewart_smith_radio
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it would be fun if there was a colonial williamsburg but for 2006. learn how to text on a razr. get fitted for a puka shell necklace. watch an animatronic anna nicole smith give birth
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Luke Mones
Being an uncle, I get what it’s like being in the royal family. I have no power or No responsibility, but I still have a title and people celebrate me for no reason
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Electability? He uses a living room chair for storage. Hes got ground pillows. Now show me his “battery drawer” and I will show you the popular vote
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"the key opens the door. inside is a bed, and you can stay until the day you said you were gonna leave"
"hold on. start over."
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thinking tonight about the end of Spy Kids, where the spy family adopts a man made of thumbs and forces him to be their butler
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I’m never more of a Scrooge than when I’m browsing a wedding registry. Why do you need two cutting boards? Are you opening a Benihana?
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this is now the craziest moment in anyone's life, except for me (i saw a bird kill itself in 1999)
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i tried brewing my own beer this year which i think is the male version of getting bangs
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Dating a vegan has helped me discover many new recipes, like you can boil kidney beans and then stare out a window into the rain
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Alcohol makes me feel good, but later, it makes me feel bad. We will look into this
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Much like the Joker, they should remake Joe Dirt every 3 years with different actors giving their interpretations.
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GIRLFRIEND: Do you want to move in together?
ME: That is a decision best left to the states.
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"we heard you need to drive your kids an hour each way to school, so we turned your engine into a playstation 2"
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As a country, we give chipotle a very long leash. All of their lettuce was poison for months and we were like “listen I’m still gonna eat there”
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ya know that weird thing where your niece is your age, or your cousin is like 30 years older than you? No more of that. That ends tonight.
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well its only a matter of time until we find out the Dancing Hotdog said a bunch of racist shit on reddit in 2012
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Anthony Davis’ dad filming his speech that is being televised internationally is classic dad energy
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has there ever been a lazier and more confusing lyric than "here comes santa claus, right down santa claus lane"? its literally the first line of the song and they gave up immediately.
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“Yesterday” but I’m the only guy who remembers the Ying Yang Twins. I try telling people and am immediately institutionalized
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