Dad, Video Creator, fan of Dino Riders. Catch me over on OgSog.
Los Angeles
- Tweets 9,060
- Following 772
- Followers 240,223
- Likes 3,207
Tyler: (handing me a controller) "Daddy I need help with Zelda"
Me: "Ah, I think I see the problem. You're surrounded by bokoblins, you have one heart, a stick for a weapon and somehow you've managed to change the language to French."
Tyler: "Yes. Help please."
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Tyler: Daddy I want want water.
Me: Ok, I'll get you water.
Tyler: You have to pay for it though.
Me: (reaching for water) Right, but first I have to...
Tyler: (very loudly) YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR IT OR IT'S STEALING!
All eyes turn to us. Airport security moves closer.
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Teacher: Everyone get out your glue sticks.
Tyler: Ok, let me just get it from my inventory.
Teacher: That's a big word! Where did you learn that?
Me:
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My son just told me: "I don't want to go to school. I just want to play video games all day." I still made him go, but I know the feeling.
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Tyler: "Daddy, let's play Dice Hat!"
Me: "What's Dice Hat?"
Tyler: *drops dice in a baseball cap. "I win!"
Me: "This game is clearly nonsense but also I demand a rematch."
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I watched my 5 year old son moving rocks from one pile to another for about 10 minutes yesterday. I finally asked him what he was doing and he responded "Boring adult stuff."
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My 5 year old son beat Spiderman on the PS4 yesterday. I had to help him a few times, but for the most part, he handled it. Proud dad moment.
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Super happy to see these two making vids together and owning @Smosh once again! Congrats to @SmoshIan and @Anthonypadilla
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Tyler: *takes bacon off my plate.
Me: Are you stealing my bacon?
Tyler: No daddy, you're sharing it.
I knew he would weaponize sharing eventually.
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When I found out I was going to be having a son, I got some Spiderman wall stickers for his room instead of BURNING DOWN A HUGE CHUNK OF CALIFORNIA. #DontBeDumb
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Tyler: Daddy, get the baby under the bed.
Me: Did you lose a toy under your bed? (Looks under bed, nothing there) there's nothing there buddy.
Tyler: (Looks under bed.) Yeah daddy, the baby.
Me: Random family trip to the nearest hotel! Woo! Everyone in the car!
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Tyler: Daddy let's turn everyone into robots.
Me: A bold plan. But certainly the governments of the world will resist you. How will you deal with them?
Tyler: Turn them into robots?
Me: My god... he's unstoppable.
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I'd love to join in the #Area51 raid but unfortunately I am allergic to bullets. Good luck out there!
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Tyler: Alexa, call SpiderMan.
Alexa: I cannot find Spiderman in your contacts.
Tyler: Mommy, we need a new Alexa, this one is broken.
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because @SmoshIan made fun of me for having the Smosh My Favorite Coffee bag facing the wrong way, I decided to take another pic with the bag facing the right way. You're welcome Ian.
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Amir: Daddy, the sun is broken.
Me: This is called night time. You have experienced many of them. The sun will be back tomorrow.
Amir: Fix the sun, daddy.
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Me: What do you want for lunch?
Tyler: Lunchables!
Me: How about real pizza instead?
Tyler: Lunchables! It's a lunch!
I really think "Its a lunch!" should be their new slogan.
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I'm currently taking some time to reflect on recent events. I'll be stepping away from New Element Six and using this weekend to think things through. Thank you all for understanding.
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Tyler: Can we watch Spider-Man Come Home?
Me: Do you mean Spider-Man Homecoming?
Tyler: No, you're saying it wrong.
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Tyler: Daddy, I don't need to go to school today because I already went.
Me: Buddy, It's 7:30 in the morning and we're literally on the way to preschool. You need to either stop lying or get better at it.
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Me: Naptime for you kiddo.
Tyler: I need my helmet.
Me: No you don't need a helmet for naptime.
Tyler: But I need it for my head!
Me: To protect your head from what? Pillows?
Tyler: Yes.
Later:
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My son was playing Breath of the Wild and I noticed him trying to drop apples in front of the horse.
Me: That's very nice Tyler, but you can't feed the horse in this game.
Tyler: Aww. Is there a game where I can feed my horse?
Me: (Glancing nervously at Red Dead 2) Well...
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Tyler: Daddy the sun is up! Why are you not awake?
Me: How long til you're a moody teenager that sleeps past noon?
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My son just started playing #Spiderman Miles Morales and during the first fight when Rhino comes out of the cage he just silently paused the game and handed me the controller. Adorable. But also I handed it back. He needs to learn.
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If Spider-Man actually had the powers of a spider he would instantly teleport to a hiding place the moment you stopped looking at him.
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Maybe Covid was mad that he wouldn't condemn white supremecy? I mean, the virus doesn't discriminate.
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Tyler: Daddy! I drew you a picture.
Me: This is great buddy, thanks!
Tyler: Read what it says.
Me: Uhh...
Tyler: It says we're going to Disneyland!
Me: Hang on a sec.
Tyler: And riding all the rides!
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Youtube emailed me to let me know my channel will no longer be verified. It really seems like they should be proactive and only remove verification for channels that aren't who they say they are. But whatever. Youtube does what it wants I guess. #youtubeverified
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Me: Ok Tyler, one more game of Smash Bros and then it's bed time.
5 minutes later
Me: Good news buddy! You get to play one more.
Tyler: But I though you said bed time?
Me: Yeah, but then you somehow won and Daddy isn't ending the night with an L. I'm switching to my main.
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My son started playing Fortnite. I never found this game to be entertaining until I watched him hide in a Port-O-Potty while three players battle it out around him.
"My plan is working!" he shouted truimphantly.
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Tyler: Whoa a talking lion!
Me: Buddy, we've been watching the Lion King for 30 minutes now. You're just noticing this?
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Alright everyone, good job making the government think the raid is over.
Initiate phase 2.
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Tyler and I beat Super Mario Odyssey tonight. It was a pretty awesome experience. Although he did make me do the final fight. To quote Tyler:
"No daddy, that's Bowser, and beating Bowser is your job."
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Bad news everyone. There's still spiders in 2020. I really feel like no one is even working on this.
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Tyler: Daddy you weigh a lot.
Me: How much do you think I weigh?
Tyler: I don't know. 14 houses maybe?
This interaction brought to you by the playground seesaw.
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You ever set the difficulty too high on a video game but your pride prevents you from turning it down so you just die a million times?
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Sub Zero wears a mask and despite his many different fatalties over the years, I have never once seen him kill someone by spreading Coronavirus. Just sayin'
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Tyler: Daddy, I'm scared. There's a ghost in my room.
Me: Buddy there are no ghosts in your room.
Tyler: Can I have a gun?
Me: uhh....
Tyler: Can I have a gun to shoot the ghosts?
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Me: Here's your candy bucket.
Tyler: Great, but where is yours?
Me: I dont have one. Only kids get candy on Halloween.
Tyler: Why?
Me: Because being an adult is lame.
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Japan Observations:
1. They love Snoopy. I think he might have saved Tokyo from a meteor or something.
2. They do not mess around with curry spice levels. A level 2 curry is not what you think it is.
3. The Monster Hunter franchise has a way bigger marketing budget here.
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Last night I accidentally left my Twitch stream going and my chair managed to get over 500 people watching at the same time. That is a feat I've never accomplished. The chair also collectd a bunch of subs, donations and somehow went on raids. @Twitch is weird. Thanks for watching
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Happy B-day to @Sohinki and also Pierre La Pierre who never seems to be in the same place as sohinki at the same time
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How the fuck is Trump getting away with calling someone Pocahontas for having Native American heritage? God damn he is a douche.
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I had to write a note for my son's absense in school and it was like one sentence that said "He was out for a doctor's appointment" And it made me realize how hard I was overthinking those fake absense notes I wrote as a kid.
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The gang wanted to get back together. I knew exactly what they wanted to do. @NE6official @TheJovenshire @AtomicMari @Sohinki @FLitz @Wes_IRL
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A recent test I conducted has concluded that a banana peel is an extremely poor substitute for an oven mitt. Please keep the results of this study in mind when operating an oven.
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Me: Alright fly, normally the penalty for trespassing in my house is execution by newspaper but since it's after 1:30 in the morning I'm willing to let you live for the night and go to sleep.
Fly: Flies directly at me and bounces off my forehead.
Me: So... You've chosen death.
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Let's look at this optimistically. How long can he really go without doing something we can impeach him for. I give it a week.
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If @kanyewest was able to run. That means there's still time for @TheRock to declare his candidacy. He's a man of the people. Well.. at least his elbow is. Also his eyebrow.
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Amy: *Hands me a salad out of her purse.
Me: Why are you giving me this?
Amy: you said you were hungry.
Me: I'm not "eat a purse salad" hungry.
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Last night I couldn't sleep and wished for a gun that could defeat insomnia. Then I remembered that tranquilizer guns are a real thing.
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Just dropped my son off at day care and watched him get hit by a kid on a power wheels. The playground there is basically toddler GTA.
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Tyler: No school today?
Me: No school.
Tyler: Hooray! So what are we doing?
Me: Practicing writing at home!
Tyler: Wait. This is school work! You tricked me!
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Me: I'll just lay down and close my eyes to trick my son into thinking daddy is napping too. Then I'll get up and get stuff done.
3 hours later:
Me: What just happened?
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Tyler: Daddy did you see da ghost in da wall?
Me: Haha buddy there's no such thing as ghosts. (Pulls out phone, begins looking at new apartments)
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Pizza delivery guys should livestream pizza coming to your house. I would totally watch that. "oh look! he's 2 blocks away! Get the plates!"
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Would your rather fight 10 chicken sized bears or one regular sized recurring memory of that embarassing thing you did in highschool?
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Lose wallet in car. Search car for 30 minutes. Remove 10 pounds of random junk. Cut self on random metal shard while feeling under seat. Finally find wallet wedged between seat and console. Go to lock car. Where the fuck are my keys?
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#PokemonGo servers are down. It is once again pointless for me to go outside.
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Was playing super Mario World 3D with my son:
Me: Get wrecked Bowser. Your car looks dumb.
Tyler: Yeah! And I hope you get homesick!
His smack talk hits different.
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Two of the most powerful stares in history: Lasercorn and Ninja Brian aka @bwecht ift.tt/2uCPALh
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I just yelled at my robo vaccuum for going into a room it wasnt supposed to. I said the words "bad robo vaccuum" out loud. That cant be a good sign.
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Running at Night:
Pros:
Nice and Cool
No Sunburn
Have the sidewalk all to myself
Cons:
Spiderwebs
Spiderwebs
Oh God Why
SO MANY SPIDERWEBS
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I always thought that was Diglett's mouth. Apparently it's his nose? I can't do a poll and picture at the same time so let me know with a comment if you thought it was his nose or mouth.
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Some days I feel like I'm my own worst enemy. But then I remember that my real worst enemy is the chipmunk that lives in the orange tree in my backyard. Come at me Charles. Let's end this farce.
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Got my channel back! Best early Christmas present ever. Thank you to @Google @TeamYouTube and everyone who reached out and helped in some way or just offered kind words. Update video coming to the channel soon. Working on it now.
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Mom: How was your day?
Me: Good, I took Tyler to the dentist and...
Mom: The dentist? He's 3! Those teeth are just gonna fall out anyway.
Me: How am I alive?
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Got back from Ohio and went to start my car. Nothing happened. I thought the battery was dead. Opened hood to jump it and the battery was straight up gone. Someone STOLE my car battery. How do you even re-sell a car battery? "Yo man, you wanna buy a battery?" Really?
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Happy Birthday @AtomicMari Your continued survival is a constant reminder that I must improve the quality of my death traps.
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