Mark Simmons: UK Tour Now On Sale@JokesWithMark

Watch my Full Comedy Special here: piped.video/RRn6iEuZvPU

 London, England
marksimmons.co.uk
Joined September 2010
I’m going back out on tour with a new show in 2026. Can’t wait!
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Looking for 8 people to move in with us so we can go play five-a-side
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Heckler doesn’t get the joke | Watch my full comedy special: link in comments
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My most stolen joke
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I bet David Cameron was disappointed the first time he watched babe station
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I went to Waterstones and asked the woman for a book about turtles. She said "hardback?" And I was like "yeah and little heads"
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Was nice to see the Queen, forgotten what she looked like as I don’t have money anymore
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Audience member doesn’t know what’s going on 😳
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Another 5.2k shares for my joke, thank god they didn’t acknowledge it being mine, I’d hate all the attention
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English comedian in Ireland 😂
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Comedian heckled with West Ham vs Arsenal score
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Fun interaction with a heckler.
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Football team talk ⚽️
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As many lockdown jokes in a minute
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We are pleased to announce ‘A Show For Gareth Richards’ and would like to thank everyone across our industry who has come together to guarantee that it will be THE event of this year’s Festival. Please share the details widely, and make this the joyful celebration Gareth deserves
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One last post about ‘A Show For Gareth Richards’. Including the prize fund from The Victoria Wood Award the grand total raised for Gareth’s sons trust fund is £22,869.25.
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Please RT if you think following my #JokeOfTheFringe, @HarvesterUK should make me the face of Harvester.
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Awkward moment when the Newsreader didn’t get my joke ...
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I’m guessing Charles now has a King size bed, does that mean Prince William sleeps on an heir bed?
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My father worked ten hours a day to put food on the table. Great dad, very slow cook
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One-liner Challenge - Part 1 🔥 27 One-liner comedians From @themiltonjones to @RealTimVine Please share and tag a friend who loves one-liners 🙌 If you enjoy it and can afford to please donate here: justgiving.com/crowdfunding/… Thanks to every who took part.
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Exciting news
RBM Comedy@RBMComedy
2 Oct 2019
We're over the moon to announce that Mark Simmons' @JokesWithMark is featuring in the new series of @MockTheWeek ! The series returns at 10pm on Fridays early November
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Random topic one-liner
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Audience member criticises comedian
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Little clip from my Mock The Week stand up set 😊
BBC Two
@BBCTwo
29 Nov 2019
This unique take on relationships from @JokesWithMark is HILARIOUS. ❤️😂 #MockTheWeek
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I was refereeing a football match, a player asked “is it full time yet?”, I said “no, still got the other job”
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Thought I’d dust this bad boy off
Mark Simmons: UK Tour Now On Sale@JokesWithMark
20 Sep 2015
I bet David Cameron was disappointed the first time he watched babe station
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I just had a bubble bath. It was me, my Mum, my Uncle Alan and my Nan.
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Researcher: Between London and Manchester, what’s your favourite city? Me: Birmingham
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That moment you stay at a friends flat and discover they are a psychopath
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At the airport reflecting on this year’s fringe. That ‘A Show for Gareth Richards’ was given both the ISH Panel Prize and the Victoria Woods Award at the Edinburgh Comedy Awards is testament to how much Gareth was admired and respected and loved.
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Can’t believe it, just opened a Christmas cracker to find a blank bit of paper, no joke
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Little crowd work clip
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One-liner Challenge - Part 2 🔥 27 One-liner comedians From @themiltonjones to @RealTimVine Please share and tag a friend who loves one-liners 🙌 If you enjoy it and can afford to please donate here: justgiving.com/crowdfunding/…
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I’ll tell you who bugs me, MI5
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My girlfriend said she changes her email password from time to time. I was like “that’s pointless, it’s the same word”
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My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
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Will Smith: I’ve got a great idea for what we can do at the Oscars Chris Rock: Hit me…
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Little clip
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If anyone is doing an Easter egg hunt today, il give you a little tip, they are in Asda.
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Audience member steals joke
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Absolutely chuffed with this 🥰
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Did a gig called Stand Up To Plagiarism, I stole the show
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Quick fire one-liners
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Absolute dream of a gig tonight in Torquay. Thanks to @JasonManford for having me support. Top night 🔥
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My most stolen joke strikes again, this time on @SoccerAM !!!
This Post is from an account that no longer exists.
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Managed to jockey my way into 9th place in the Top jokes of the fringe 😊
U&Dave@davechannel
19 Aug 2019
Replying to @davechannel @OFalafel @TheRstott @themiltonjones @RichardPulsford
In ninth it's @JokesWithMark! #JokeOfTheFringe
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Just found out Prince Charles has coronavirus, very worrying, it proves it is transmitted through the heir
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Can people please stop tweeting The Crown spoilers!
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Jokes on a random job
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Last night I received the Comic’s Comic Best Act award. Thanks to everyone that voted. So chuffed. Comedians party was 👌
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Comedian accidentally becomes a mind reader (Stand-up clips 1/…)
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Gutted to miss the West Ham final but got to do my show at the Gulbenkian theatre where, as a new comic, I’d watch every tour show. I’d normally sit here where my dream of being a support act seemed far fetched. Blows my mind that I get to do my show here to a sold out crowd ❤️
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This was so much fun
Mock The Week@MockTheWeek
22 Nov 2019
Debutant @JokesWithMark will be tackling the stand up round tonight. See how he gets on #10pm #BBC2
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I was fortunate to have supported @seannwalsh @RobBrydon @robbeckettcomic & @JasonManford over the last few years and now I’m about to embark on my first UK & Ireland tour with one of my best friends, @danwardcomic providing the tour support. Barton Upon Humber here we come 🤘
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When you gain a cheerleader...
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Thanks for all the nice comments about Mock the Week. If you’d like to hear when I’m doing a show near you please sign up to my mailing list: eepurl.com/gKMzjz
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My girlfriend got so angry with me that she threw my phone across the room, luckily I’d put it on aeroplane mode
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Got a Disney toy stuck up my bum, went to the doctor, took the Mickey out of me
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My ‘QUIP OFF THE MARK’ tour show is on sale now. Tickets available here: campsite.bio/jokeswithmark Would appreciate any shares 🙏
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Gigging in a town called Stone
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This guy wanted a selfie with “Ed Sheeran”. He is very drunk and hasn’t realised yet that doing it on my phone won’t actually help him get one.
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Comedian can’t remember his own joke | On tour now
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When the audience heckle each other 😂
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I actually agree with fly tipping, I’ll just leave that there.
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Random topic joke
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No wonder it’s dangerous, if you fall in you’re not allowed to swim!!
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Big news!! I’m going to be on that tv show Hoarders, I won’t tell you what happens, I don’t want to give anything away
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I know AA is Alcoholics Anonymous, I wanted to go to Narcotics Anonymous but apparently it’s not available.
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Just found a dot to dot club, can’t wait to join up
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Cricket team talk
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I’ve started checking people with a thermometer as they enter events, it’s just a temp job.
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Are you trying to say you want to give me free food for a year due to the excellent advertising?
Harvester Restaurant
@HarvesterUK
22 Aug 2017
Our vote goes to @BigBirdSheeran! Who wouldn't want to combine Harvesters and make a really big restaurant?! #edinburghfringe #RatherBeSixth
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A big thank you to @seannwalsh for having me support him on tour. I've picked up a lot from him. I'm now a much grumpier person than I was.
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The worst camouflage I’ve ever seen is every camouflage I’ve ever seen
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It’s the first Show for Gareth Richards today. We’ve got an amazing line up: Adam Kay @amateuradam Rob Auton @RobertAuton Aideen McQueen @aideenmcqueen Please spread the word ❤️
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Thanks for all of the nice comments about @MockTheWeek. It’s on iPlayer if you haven’t caught it yet 🤘
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Doesn’t say how long they are meant to go in for…
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Joke on a random topic
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I told my mum I wanted to be a comedian, she said “You’ll be a nutritionist if you know what’s good for you”
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Was that disappointing? Definately
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Susie Dent said her job on countdown is hard work, WORK?? She doesn’t know the meaning of the word
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I really want a tea but my mum and dad aren’t here
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This was taken a quarter of an hour after I brought Joe Wicks book ‘Lean in 15’
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Got a Disney toy stuck up my bum, went to the doctor, took the Mickey out of me.
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Wish I hadn’t got that no regrets tattoo.
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I did a joke about a super-spreader, pretty sure everyone got it.
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I won’t do my pancaking flipping joke, never lands well
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🚨Announcement🚨I’m very excited to tell you my new Comedy Special will premiere for free tomorrow (Tuesday) at 8pm exclusively on YouTube. Stick it in your diary. Can’t wait for you all to see it!
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Love seeing old posters backstage. This was the first show I saw when I decided to do comedy. Rhod really opened my eyes about how creative a show can be. Lloyd Langford was the support and I decided my dream was be a tour support. 15 years later I sold out that theatre ❤️
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Trying to think of joke about Uber, think it would give everyone a lift
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My dads a bit overweight so I got him some fat loss tablets and he angrily snatched them out of my hand and shoved one up his bum, I knew he’d take it the wrong way
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My friend said he just did the outline of a novel, I thought, “Anyone can draw a rectangle.”
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Joke on a random topic
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The jokes podcast is 1 year old 🎉 Thanks to all of my brilliant guests. You can find all episodes here: APPLE: apple.co/2TLV9X4 SPOTIFY: spoti.fi/36zcZ2t ACAST: aca.st/896054
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At the airport my girlfriend passed out on the baggage carrousel, after a little while she came round
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That’s officially the end of the Quip Off The Mark tour. What started as 15 dates turned into 216! Thank so much to everyone for watching my clips and deciding to give it a punt! My next tour will be announced soon and I can’t wait to get out there and do it all again ❤️
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Today we broke the daily donations record for A Show For Gareth Richards hitting over £1k 🎉 Thanks to Stuart Lee, @RosieisaHolt @StandUpAndrew & @aideenmcqueen
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Back on @MockTheWeek tonight. Check it out 10pm
Mock The Week@MockTheWeek
5 Nov 2020
Here is @JokesWithMark who will be making his second appearance on the show tonight. Check out his return at 10pm on #BBC2
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Just lost my job marking exam papers, don’t understand it, I always gave 110%
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If Will Smith had have slapped him on the ass, he’d have hit rock bottom
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