Incurable Colorectal Cancer 9/4/15 @fightcrc @coloncancercoal @cracking_cancer @CancerSuckLess @stupidcancer Cancer Patient Advocate Never Tell Me The Odds
Canton, NC
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Chemo round 185. I wanted the feelings and emotions to stick with me more than what I was feeling sitting in the chemo chair all the time
Sometimes I feel like I'm doing good other times I feel like the world and this life has crushed me
Sometimes I feel like Im helping others
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Sitting here getting my 156th round of chemo on my birthday that I share with the legendary @MarkHamill a hero of mine so my wish is a follow back because I'm saving all my big wish mojo for when I get the stable or break from treatment news to actually meet him
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I'm sitting here getting my 130th round of chemo
130 times in the chair
130 times hearing those infusions center sounds if you know you know what I'm talking about
130 times dreading the combination of side effects
130 times seeing everyone in the waiting room an chairs be older
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Chemo Round #132
Never forget or ignore that even though cancer is a very physical disease the mental struggle and mental health issues have to be acknowledged and given support
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Chemo Round #133 sitting here in this chair yet again knowing its saving my life but also makes me feel disconnected to the world outside in many ways the world without cancer It's a weird feeling and alot to process. In the end thankful to be alive and be doing what I'm doing
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Chemo round 139 its also my 36th birthday Such a complex range of emotions from dreading chemo to hating the coming side effects to being so thankful Im alive to see 36 when for so long 30 felt impossible birthdays bring their own issues to work through from society saying
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Chemo round 131
Saying goodbye is something as a cancer patient I've gotten a lot of practice at
Saying goodbye to brothers and sisters who have won their fight
Saying goodbye to the life you once had to the person you once were
But we keep going through it all
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Chemo round 144. I'm at a loss for words today, 144 is 12 times the original amount of chemo I was supposed to get, it's a number that I never thought I'd be alive to see and honestly don't know how I made it here. Chemo is hard this life is hard doing this every 3 weeks is hard
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Chemo round 143 my last one of 2023 and year 8 Somehow im still hear still coming here an showing up I dont know why or how at times but here is the middle finger 🖕 to round 143 an cancer, the completion of year 8 of this life with cancer now on to year 9 of it all in 2024
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Chemo round 136 Somedays words escape me because the words to correctly portray and describe what I'm feeling and thinking haven't yet been discovered.
How can you be so scared so worried so fearful so often yet be called so brave?
How am I so strong yet feel so weak regularly?
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9 years ago today I was diagnosed with colorectal cancer at age of 27. The odds said I wouldn't make it 5 years the approved treatments failed many including me at times didn't think id ever see 30 but here I am getting chemo round 155 today beat the odds by 3 years and counting
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Another day more doctor more test more stress, anxiety the more weight I feel This is the life with cancer
Sometimes I wanna face it head on hit it in the mouth other days I want to curl up in a ball cry an ask why me Im here better or worse putting one step ahead an doing it
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Chemo round 172:
Today is hard physically mentally and emotionally one of the tougher chemo day mornings I've had but through it I showed up I am here and I'm doing this infusion yet again.
I am strong I am tough I am all of those words people use to describe me and so many
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7 years ago this morning at 930am I was getting a abdominal biopsy that would confirm my cancer was back and metastasized to my abdominal wall and lymph nodes throughout my body I knew this was going be positive but i wouldnt know the extent and how it was going change my life
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Chemo round 138 with a side of Scans
Back to the daily grind of it all, chemo round 138 with a MRI
If your living with cancer just remember your a total badass. It's a lot we have to live with hold and get through just to deal with everything else life throws outside of cancer.
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Life of a cancer patient another day another procedure. This stuff is never easy being in a hospital even out patient even just for a procedure is tough it's a trigger for PTSD
This life is hard memories of all the procedures and surgeries and all the times in the hospital are
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Sitting on my bathroom floor at 3:30 my world is silent im locked away dealing with the hell that is chemo round 161 but my mind is screaming a million different things at a million different volumes nonstop an its just getting louder as scans are done now the hard part is here
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I'm about to walk in an get my scan results after a week of thinking wondering worrying about them non-stop. Scans make me not only feel but to truly understand what Powerless means in the instance of scans and waiting on the results and all that it brings with it
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Chemo round 150. I remember walking in this building for the very first round on November 16 2015 and now im here. Im reflective im thankful im emotional im sad and angry i guess truthfully im a mess right now.
The memories the emotions the feelings all are flooding back I wish
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Chemo round 140 that number don't seem real or even possible to me but here I am
I dont think people understand what it mentally takes for us cancer patients to go chemo rounds I dont care if its your 2ed or like me round 140 we all have experienced a hell unlike anything else
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After almost 10 years and 171 rounds of cancer treatment I'll always be shocked at how bad it can still surprise me and beat me down so bad
This week has been one of the toughest rounds I can remember in a long time physically with non stop nausea and running to the restroom
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8 years today with a chemo port in my chest. 140 rounds down and counting. It's a lifesaver but annoying as hell as times
Here's to 8 more and the next 140 rounds
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Chemo round 174
I sit here yet again in this chemo chair trying to gather my thoughts as this medication gets infused into my veins yet again as I know the pain the sickness the side effects that are coming but yet I showed up for the 174th time. Everyone in this infusion center
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The silence of chemo week is always and forever the loudest, its only broken by sounds of me coughing moaning in pain or throwing up Tonight its been a mixture of all 4 each a hell of their own but together a hell that words wont do justice
4am I'm awake in pain
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No new cancer from my test results yesterday Some other complicated things going on but that is for another day big thing is no new cancer and my other blood work test came back and level of cancer in my body is staying very stable. Continuing treatments and living is the goal
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4 years ago today I hit a huge milestone one I never expected to and still hard to believe I did. 4 years ago I completed my 100th infusion round of chemo. That number is a bit bigger now 168 and counting but still here still going
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Chemo round 126 my last one of year 7. Somehow im still hear still coming here getting these infusions. I dont know why or how but here is the middle finger to round 126 and the completed year 7 of chemo and now were on to rounds 127 to 145 and year 8 of this cancer life in 2023
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Chemo round 127 a new year calander year 8 with cancer, im here in the all to familiar chair getting the to familiar drugs hearing and seeing the familiar sounds and sights of the cancer center I think who am I?
#lifewithcancer #cancer
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Chemo round 162. It's a mental struggle to be here today
I dont want to do this
I dont want to experience the next 72 hours
I dont want to feel the hell chemo brings physically or mentally
I wonder sometimes what my life would be like if the cancer hadn't came back and spread
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It's my birthday. That is a complicated saying for me, while I appreciate being alive another year and making it to year 38 birthdays come with questions of why I'm still here or how am I here an much more
9 years ago this morning I turned 29 I was as sick as ever an another
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Another waiting room my physical emotional and mental states are being bombarded, I should be used to this I've been here hundreds of times yet it is still overwhelming
Words will never do it justice, if I could put the emotions the feelings the fear stress worry anxiety
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Chemo round 145 Thankful to be here but struggling in many ways How can I be in such a dark place full of anxiety depression fear anger an struggle yet still express the thankfulness that I know is there for being alive for surviving for treatment working
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Chemo round 156 an my 37th birthday Chemo is hard enough to talk about but my birthday is a whole different mountain of emotions feelings an thoughts that im trying to put into words
I remember my 28th in the floor puking from chemo and thinking is this life worth it
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Chemo round 160. I'm angry I'm mad I'm sad I'm frustrated and I'm so tired
9 years 160 rounds of this hell. Countless appointments and procedures an untold amount of hours spent In this chair instead of life outside
I'm angry that we still have to fight tooth and nail with our
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First picture is 9 years ago post first major surgery on this life with cancer
Second is here today getting ready to fly to Rhode Island Wednesday to attend a cancer conference
Guy in that first pic didn't think he would see age 30
Life is wild and unpredictable
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Its yet again scan day the thoughts an emotions are raw an unrelenting
Life with cancer is Hard
168 rounds of chemo is Hard
Surgeries are Hard
Scans and scanxiety is Hard
Hospital stays are extremely Hard
Never ending Doctor and Specialist visits are Hard
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Chemo round 155 an 9 year cancer anniversary Im in the middle of my infusion at the same time 9 years ago I heard YOU HAVE CANCER
I never thought Id still be here
Doctors friends family almost nobody if they are being honest thought Id still be here today to see 9 years
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It's no secret that I've been struggling with some things lately to say it's been a hard last few weeks would be a gross understatement but even so this life don't stop or wait for anyone so I'm up and off to the dentist this morning and then my end of year scans Friday morning
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September 16th 2015 9am I walked into the hospital for surgery to remove a the massive cancerous tumor in my colon. They say details of traumatic experiences fade with time but now I'm 8 years in and still remember it like was yesterday every detail still etched into my mind
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This chair is a lonely place
This chair is a cold seat that nothing can warm
This chair holds nothing back
This chair is filled with pain tears an dread
This chair makes you feel cut off from the world
This chair is the embodiment of stolen dreams
This chair is unforgiving
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My brother my friend I'm going miss our talks our connection and watching you do so many incredible things in this cancer space I know they won't end just because you won your fight Your memory will forever be strong I'll take @CancerCanuck everywhere I go
Fly High an Fly free
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Everything could change with the results I'll be getting over the next 3 weeks or not that's just part of the life living with cancer always facing the unknown the days where your life could change completely Newsflash to me everyone's life is that way I just never thought of o
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Life with cancer is Hard
147 rounds of chemo is Hard
Surgeries are Hard
Hospital stays are Hard
Never ending Dr visits are Hard
Watching friends/family die is Hard
Living w/ survivors guilt is Hard
Living w/ PTSD from cancer is Hard
Daily uncertainty cancer brings is Hard
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Scan results were okay about like normal some good some areas to watch an see some to continue to keep a eye on My lungs are ok for winter time
So solid scans, I'm alive I'm continuing to fight and bring out chemo 143 December 27th and 2024 or year 9 of living with cancer
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Chemo round 173
Another trip to the cancer center
Another round of chem
Another infusion
Another time hearing the bell ring
Another new Tee Shirt
Another step in my fight to keep living
I'm trying to live my life the best way possible while being true to my heart and who I
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Happy birthday to the most amazing person walking this earth my mom.
She is the most amazing mom I could ever dream of she has always been there from first football baseball and basketball practices and games for each of her kids she was there when I got told I had cancer years
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We all hear the word tired so often but what really does I Am Tired really means to me as a 9+ year terminal cancer patient Everyone has a different idea an different experience an a different view of what I am tired means to them. Especially in the world today. Here is my tired
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7 years ago I was told the last proven and approved treatment option failed to do anything.The cancer was winning I was looking death in the face and all that was left was a hail mary shot at a clinical trial
I sit here today 7 years later looking back I wonder an I question so
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Everyone im beside in the hospital and chemo is over 50🤦♂️ curses of having colon cancer in your 20s
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130 times feeling that chemo taste start in my mouth
130 times that chemo feeling starts in the pit of your stomach or soul it's indescribable unless youve had it
130 times thinking how many more can I do
130 times wanting to run away yet showing up and doing the damn thing
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Chemo round 170 today as I sit here in this chair again
How many hours have been spent here?
How many days have been in cancer center the hospital or procedure room or countless appointments?
How many more do I have in this lifetime?
How many more friends deaths can I handle?
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I'm really tired of having cancer. That said I'll drag my butt to chemo bright and early in the morning but I really really dont want to
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Visit to the ER. Being proactive and not trying to be a guy who ignores the pain to tries to be a tough guy and tough through it. Learned my lesson there. 🤞 Crossed it's nothing and just some easy or simple explanation I'll update later when know something
#lifewithcancer
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Chemo round 161 sitting here I keep thinking about this year 2015 is a decade since I was diagnosed and how lucky I am to be around to see it and how much I've been through to get here, to be honest it's completely overwhelming to where I'm almost numb to the thoughts about it.
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This is hitting hard tonight feeling like absolute death laying in the bathroom floor can't sleep and just questioning it all
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Monday is chemo round 132 and I'm nervous worried anxious and every other emotion imaginable. I go to a new infusion center new nurses new doctors new receptionist a new routine of doing things after having same way for almost 8 years.
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June 16th is the hardest day of the year for me in 2016 today I was told my cancer was incurable and forever, that I had less than 25% chance to be alive in 5 years. It changed my life even on a different level than being diagnosed with cancer or anything else
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Friday morning September 4th 2015 my life changed forever in every way possible my life, goals, dreams, fears, expectations everything changed completely
8 years I've got to travel and have opportunities and experiences doing things I never dreamed possible
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Friday morning September 4th 2015 my life changed forever and in every way possible it changed completely
10 years 120 months 3653 days since I was diagnosed with colorectal cancer at age of 27
10 years I've fought and persevered through hell most can't even imagine
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National cancer survivors day. This is my 9th time being able to celebrate this day but it also brings so many memories of friends and amazing people that aren't here to celebrate with me
This is a great day and everyone since the very first second they heard those words you
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Earlier this week did a #strongarmselfie before I went into yet another procedure for this life with cancer it put me down but life goes on so today I'm at my happy place Blacksburg VA to watch VT sports an escape but always supporting the fight against colorectal cancer
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A dad and his son sitting beside me last night drove 10 hours from Toronto Canada just cause they always wanted to experience this entrance and the environment of a night game in Lane. #hokies
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Next week is my first major week of 2025 in the medical world sense
Chemo Monday
MRI and CT scan Tuesday
Oncologist appointment Thursday
That might not seem like a lot to outsiders or people not in depth with the medical and especially cancer world
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Chemo round 166 Today as I sit here yet again for treatment sometimes I have a lot to say sometimes I don't have much.
Today I'm proud of myself for being here and continuing to show up
Today I'm mad that I have to continue to do this
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Officially lve lost all my athletic abilities
Driving 3.5 hours home pull over to rest area running to get out of the rain and just trip over my own feet hands an knee first on the sidewalk Clothes soaking wet bleeding I just lay there and think I was actually a college athlete
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to a life with cancer Now 7 years later Im still here through hell an more so lucky and thankful to be here even if its still hard as hell living with cancer mentally emotionally and physically
#lifewithcancer #cancer #colorectalcancer #fightcrc #colonclub #coloncancercoalitionl
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9 years ago today I was in the oncologist office being told that the cocktail of the more aggressive chemotherapy wasn't working and my cancer was continuing to grow and spread. I had one more cocktail to try before I could get on a clinical trial that had potential
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My mouth is absolutely killing me.
Cracked lips sores all over raw throat and gums. Cancer treatment sucks
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Chemo round 135 I wanted to tell everyone its okay to be fearful to be scared especially dealing with cancer an life with cancer
I hear all the time how brave I am facing everything I have but truth is Ive never considered myself brave I get scared by a lot an not horror movies
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Chemo round 164 There are so many strong emotions going through me right now and a lot of things are happening in the world today it's overwhelming at times especially on top of having cancer. What shouldn't be happening is Cancer research and funding getting cut at all
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The toughest day. The day that changed everything. The day I can't forget.
9 years ago 6/16/16 I was in my oncologist office at Duke I knew my cancer was back but what happened in that office I'll never forget. I remember everything from what I was wearing the smells sounds
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A look at my 2023 chemo rounds 127-143 17 of them completed it's crazy to think about an words don't do it justice but I'm here yet again look back and forward to 2024 and rounds 144-160 and another year still kicking cancers ass
2023 shirt game was absolute fire though imo
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The first time in almost 9 years I've felt even a tiny bit like the person I was before cancer. Thank you @NFL and @Lions @Chiefs I thought Cance took this joy from me but so happy I felt it again. #colorectalcancer #cancer #football #life #mentalhealth
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First picture was 3/21/2016 during my 10th chemo round I was struggling but only had 2 rounds left I was in the end stretch or so I thought
Second is well yesterday 3/21/2023 7 years and 120 rounds later
I'm beating those odds every day and will continue to
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Chemo round 175. It's a cold snowy day which makes it all even worse but I'm here I'm hooked up and I'm getting my life saving infusion even though I'd rather be doing anything else and that urge gets worse in the winter time
Winter physically brings cold weather snow harsh
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2024 chemo rounds 144-160 17 times over the last year I faced this mountain this challenge this hell, knowing each time what was coming for me physically mentally emotionally yet I showed up each time I shouldered each of the side effects every mental weight every emotional
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Back in the airport again, flying to Buffalo to attend Man Up To Cancers annual retreat, this event is different for me no speeches or panels no obligations of advocacy no pressure I can just sit and take it all in
This is definitely needed, it's a tough time of the year
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Chemo round 142 Acceptance is a complicated word sometimes its looked down on in a way that people think you quit trying or just are okay with what was/is given or presented other times is a sign of maturity an growth and seen as mentally healthy Acceptance means fully
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The last week has been one of the hardest mental battles I've been through. It has been a nonstop onslaught of feelings emotions and my mind convincing me of the very worst. Even though I know it's mostly in my head that don't make it feel any better or weigh less it still feels
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Chemo round 141 #Guilt is a complicated an complex emotion an feeling that hits every single person different As a cancer patient I deal with feeling guilt every single day for so many reasons I know people can't fully understand that especially if not in the cancer world
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4am I've hardly slept at all sick and stomach doing flips, while i can feel every bone throbbing every muscle screaming of fatigue every joint in pain chemo is hitting hard as hell physically but not to be out matched my mind and emotions are swinging back
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Nov 16 2015 I walked through the doors to the infusion floor at the cancer center for the first time for the 1st of 12 rounds of chemotherapy to kill the rest of my colon cancer. 12 rounds 1 every 2 weeks 6 months I knew it would suck but I knew I could do 12
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It's been a decade
10 years
120 months
3653 days
Since I first heard those words YOU HAVE CANCER
Life has been hard I've been through so much some of the hardest days weeks and months anyone can imagine. I wanted to give up at times I thought I was dead at times but I've also
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Im sitting here again in the chemo chair round 159 the mental emotions and thoughts are overwhelming yet I feel so different than all people around me, a whole new crew per say the ones who id seen last 6-8 months most are finished now yet I stay and continue.
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Monday was my 158th round of treatment. 9 years of this hell 142 rounds more than what I was supposed to do its complicated to even talk about I don't really know how to put into words what 9 years and 158 rounds of cancer treatment is or means or how I feel
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7 years since that day in Durham 6/16/16 is the hardest emotional memory of my life
I was at Duke Cancer center I already new my cancer was back but what happened in that office is something that I'll never forget It was this appointment that changed everything In my life
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Got to spoil the nephews with some Harry Potter presents yesterday. Today will consist of laying on the couch football and a frozen pizza while start getting prepared for chemo Wednesday
Merry Christmas or Happy holidays to all
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I'm excited to announce that I am now the community advocate for patients with advanced cancers within the organization @SWOG representing advanced patients across all cancers
I'm beyond honored to be able to do this as it is a very special cause to me working with
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Chemo round 165 it's pouring the rain as I sit here in this dreadful chemo chair yet again with my mind going to so many positive and negative places. To be honest that perfectly describes my mindset and feelings of cancer and life with cancer so far
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Chemo #137 Frustration is part of life people will tell you to get over it or dont let it impact your day some days just suck are filled with frustration an its ok to be frustrated to not have a good day an not hide it from anyone okay dont let anyone make you feel bad about it
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Scan time
The phrase we all know to well
Breathe in
Hold your breath
Breathe
#thankscancer #lifewithcancer #colorectalcancer #mentalhealth
#mentalhealthmatters
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Life's been a lot for so many people lately for so many different reasons an me included but laying here tonight feeling sick and in pain from treatment and procedure yesterday it hit me, I was never supposed to be here still I was given a 25% chance to make it 5 years and those
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Chemo round 157 A lot has happened and went on since my last round on 9/25
floods deveststion an loss to my hometown
Loss of my grandpa which words will never be enough to express my emotions
The loss of 7 amazing strong incredible people in the cancer world I personally knew
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Hard to believe as of today I've lived with a chemo port inside my chest for 9 years. When I got my first port It was supposed to be a few years tops 12 rounds of chemo and get it out
When I first got it I thought I would never get used to this bump a circle piece of plastic
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Im off again this time to Minneapolis to attend a conference an speak at it with @ColonCancerCoal as I sit here it hit me 7 years ago was scan day of the last FDA approved treatment option I had. It went bad but opened the way up for my hail Mary clinical trial my last option
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