Dadaist graffiti news. Halfway true comedy and satire for your doomscrolling by @DashMacIntyre. I don't report the facts, I improve them.
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BREAKING: A reporter just asked Mike Johnson for the first time at a press conference, “Why should we even ask you any questions today when you never read or hear about anything anyway?”
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BREAKING: ICE just announced it is pausing the hotline where people can call to report undocumented immigrants because 90% of the calls are from people reporting Elon Musk.
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BREAKING: Several gay dating apps are reportedly threatening that, if the Supreme Court bans gay marriage, they'll reveal all the closeted Republican officials and members of Congress who have accounts on their platforms.
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BREAKING: The gay dating app Grindr says if Florida doesn’t stop passing homophobic and transphobic laws, they’ll reveal every Republican legislator and party official who secretly uses the app.
Community note
Grindr has not issued any threats to disclose user data concerning public officials. Although this tweet is satirical, some readers might mistakenly perceive it as factual.
apnews.com/article/fact-c
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BREAKING: ICE has reportedly been getting hundreds of phone calls every day from citizens citing Elon Musk’s apparent illegal immigration to the US.
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BREAKING: Donald Trump is reportedly furious because his latest threats to leave NATO have backfired as European leaders are proposing to replace the US in NATO with Ukraine, start curb stomping Russia all together, and then make Trump utterly irrelevant in all the negotiations.
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BREAKING: An executive of the gay dating app Grindr says the Republican National Convention is “basically Grindr’s Super Bowl.”
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BREAKING: Dozens of downtown Milwaukee bars and nightclubs are hosting drag shows each night this week so Republicans have nowhere to go to party after the convention.
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BREAKING: Elon Musk is reportedly furious people keep calling Tesla vehicles “swasticars.”
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BREAKING: After Donald Trump tweeted that some of Joe Biden's presidential pardons could be nullified, federal judge Anderson Wilkerson announced, “Well, in that case, looks like it’s time to send some J6 rioters back to jail.”
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BREAKING: Several gangs in LA are reportedly trucing so they can accompany people to their immigration hearings and prevent ICE from abducting them, and it’s effective because ICE officials are afraid of them, which is why ICE goes after assimilated immigrants with families.
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BREAKING: The National Guard’s office phones are reportedly ringing off the hook from hundreds of citizens requesting they use their martial law in Washington D.C. to arrest the rapist pedophile who lives at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
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BREAKING: A growing group of tow truck drivers in LA are reportedly stalking ICE convoys so they can tow away all the unmarked ICE vans and SUVs that get parked incorrectly the moment the agents get out to start looking for people to abduct and deport.
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BREAKING: The parliament of Greenland just introduced legislation that bans Donald Trump and all his descendants for 100 generations.
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BREAKING: Iranian officials say if Israel really is blackmailing Trump with Epstein videos, Iranian hackers will find them and release them to the American public.
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BREAKING: ICE agents are complaining that every time they go out wearing masks in unmarked cars with no uniforms or identification as law enforcement to abduct people, protesters keep dumping pounds of glitter on them so that everyone can tell they’re ICE for days afterwards.
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BREAKING: The country of Panama just banned the Trump family from entering their borders for 100 years.
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BREAKING: European leaders say they won’t have any Oval Office meetings with Donald Trump if JD Vance is going to sit in the room and, as one Belgian official described it, "be a little bitch.”
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BREAKING: ICE is asking people to stop clogging their hotline by calling in and reporting an undocumented girl named “Anne Frank” hiding in the top floor of various Republican lawmakers’ houses.
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BREAKING: Top Chinese officials say Trump has been calling them a dozen times every day to beg for a trade deal, and they put him on hold while playing audio of Obama speeches until he hangs up.
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BREAKING: The French Olympic Committee apologized to American conservatives for featuring drag queens in the opening ceremony, and said the closing ceremony will feature couches and dolphins because US conservatives are into those.
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BREAKING: Putin, who once claimed Russia has no gays, is furious to find out that the Ukrainian military is tracking Russian troop movements by monitoring Grindr.
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BREAKING: Donald Trump is reportedly furious that Europeans are planning to ignore him and ramp up Ukraine support to force Putin into signing a pro-Ukraine deal without Trump being invited to any of the talks or photo-ops.
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BREAKING: Donald Trump is reportedly furious that so many European leaders are pledging enough support, money, and arms for Ukraine to sideline him completely, and was overheard shouting to his staffers, "This is supposed to be MY deal, and MY Nobel Peace Prize!"
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BREAKING: Elon Musk is reportedly nervous that if everyone boycotts Tesla stock he’ll have to default on all his loans collateralized by the stock value, and he’ll be penniless in days.
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BREAKING: A leaked memo from Fox News reveals that the network's interviewers regularly use Vicks VapoRub under their noses when interviewing Donald Trump because he smells like, as one Fox producer described it, “roast beef diarrhea.”
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BREAKING: Donald Trump was reportedly demanding his lawyers sue Elon Musk for calling him a pedophile until his lawyers pointed out that it would require a jury seeing the unredacted Epstein files.
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BREAKING: Marjorie Taylor Greene says if every member of Congress had to resign for doing what Matt Gaetz has been accused of, "Democrats would have a supermajority."
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BREAKING: Top US national security experts are reportedly warning Trump that, if he keeps antagonizing Europe, the Europeans will release the top secret intel they’ve collected on Trump’s relationship with Jeffrey Epstein.
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BREAKING: White House lawyers are reportedly worried Lauren Boebert and Nancy Mace recorded their phone calls with Trump where he begged, bribed, threatened, and cried for them to reverse their votes on releasing the Epstein files.
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BREAKING: Nine male GOP members of Congress have been given divorce papers by their wives since Donald Trump was reelected.
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BREAKING: Matt Gaetz is threatening that if his sexual misconduct gets revealed, he’ll call out all the other pervert Republicans in Congress.
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BREAKING: A new TikTok trend involves Gen Z teens leaving open cat food tins and catnip all around Trump-Vance campaign offices so stray cats start hanging around.
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BREAKING: Donald Trump is reportedly livid over how many officials in foreign countries are calling him “unstable” and “buffoonish.”
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BREAKING: Hundreds of Europeans are congregating outside JD Vance's hotel to boo him every time he walks outside during a break in the Munich Security Conference meetings.
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BREAKING: Tensions are reportedly rising among Trump staffers who say they can’t get the President to read anything, and he still doesn’t understand how bills become law.
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BREAKING: A MAGA televangelist who told his congregants to give him all their money because the rapture would happen today has reportedly disappeared with all the cash.
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BREAKING: Donald Trump is reportedly blaming Gavin Newsom’s “nasty and unprofessional” tweets for why he couldn’t focus and didn’t get any deal with Putin.
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BREAKING: Donald Trump says if the Supreme Court makes him pay back all the tariffs, he'll have to defund ICE and cancel his ballroom.
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BREAKING: Donald Trump has reportedly been calling Republican members of Congress all morning and threatening them if they acknowledge a Harris victory on election day or announce the party needs to "move on" from him.
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BREAKING: Donald Trump is reportedly worried thousands of protesters will come to his birthday parade dressed as chickens and handing out free tacos to everyone.
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BREAKING: White House staffers say Donald Trump is "apocalyptically mad" about the TACO acronym, and his doctors are worried it will give him a heart attack.
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BREAKING: Pete Hegseth is reportedly furious people online keep mocking him by calling him a "DUI hire."
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BREAKING: After Donald Trump announced he was giving his inauguration speech indoors on account of the cold weather, the chancellor of Greenland taunted him on social media saying, "If Trump can’t handle one polar vortex, he can't handle Greenland."
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BREAKING: White House whistleblowers say Trump works “like 45 minutes a day.”
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BREAKING: A whistleblower at the White House claims Elon Musk is running everything while Donald Trump sits in the Oval Office signing hundreds of meaningless executive orders he doesn’t read close enough to realize they're just made up to distract him.
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BREAKING: Donald Trump is reportedly furious after finding out the Nobel Peace Prize isn't an American award, and it's actually run by a committee of Scandinavians who 100% support Ukraine.
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BREAKING: The Mexican government just announced it will begin referring to the the Gulf of Mexico as the "Gulf of Joe Biden."
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BREAKING: National security officials say they're worried Trump is "dangerously close" to antagonizing the Europeans to the point of releasing intel their spy agencies may have found on Trump's Epstein connections, Russian mafia ties, secret children, and prostitute honey traps.
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BREAKING: Eric Trump just realized live on a Fox News interview segment that his mom was an immigrant and therefore his father's claim that immigrants are "poisoning the blood of the country" applies to him.
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BREAKING: Fox News says Gavin Newsom’s tweets mocking Trump are beneath the dignity of an aspiring president.
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BREAKING: The National Parks Service says that America's historic preservation laws "make it very clear" Donald Trump will now have to rebuild the White House's East Wing exactly the way it was at personal expense.
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BREAKING: Donald Trump is reportedly threatening Fox News that, if they keep publishing polls showing Kamala Harris's lead growing, he's going to direct his voters to boycott the election.
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BREAKING: Twelve Republican members of Congress were divorced by their wives after voting for Donald Trump last year, and three more got served divorce papers today after voting for this budget.
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BREAKING: Donald Trump is reportedly furious after only finding out now that the Nobel Peace Prize isn't an American award, and it's actually run by a committee of Scandinavians who 100% support Ukraine.
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BREAKING: A Florida judge has ruled that the Bible must be banned along with other books Ron DeSantis has banned because of how much murder, incest, rape, genocide, and violence is featured in the Old Testament.
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BREAKING: During a campaign event in Iowa today, Ron DeSantis looked visibly furious after his wife Casey accidentally admitted that their daughter watches Disney's "Frozen" every single day.
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BREAKING: An extremely MAGA televangelist from Mississippi who claimed faith in Donald Trump as God’s newest prophet was "more powerful than any drug on Earth" just got arrested for running a meth lab in the basement of his church.
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BREAKING: A January 6th insurrectionist pardoned by Donald Trump accidentally burned down his house yesterday during the Super Bowl after he lit a pile of his teen daughter’s Taylor Swift t-shirts on fire.
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BREAKING: Vivek Ramaswamy has reportedly enraged Elon Musk by putting the federal subsidies for SpaceX and Tesla on their list of spending cuts.
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BREAKING: A group of MAGA fans in Montana just announced they're starting a hunger strike they vow will last until Democrats stop calling Donald Trump and J.D. Vance "weird."
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BREAKING: Ghislaine Maxwell now claims that, every time something illegal was happening at Jeffrey Epstein’s parties, Donald Trump was in another room reading the Bible, calling charities to donate money, or holding Melania’s hand.
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BREAKING: Several MAGA fans who flew to Greenland to try and start an American colony they intend to call “Trumpland” have been detained at the airport for being sex offenders.
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BREAKING: Dozens of protesters in Scotland are following Donald Trump everywhere he goes on his visit while playing bagpipes as loud as they can.
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BREAKING: When a judge today asked Donald Trump if his claim that Mike Pence had the right to refuse to certify Biden's victory also means that Kamala Harris has the right to refuse certifying the election if he wins in 2024, Trump froze for 7 seconds before saying “No.”
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BREAKING: J.D. Vance is reportedly getting angry with Donald Trump for making him do all the campaigning at humiliatingly small crowds while Trump golfs every day.
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BREAKING: Fox News reportedly didn’t pick up the phone this morning as Donald Trump called 17 times between 6:09am and 12:19pm to try and rant on Fox’s morning shows about Kamala Harris’s speech last night.
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BREAKING: Donald Trump reportedly just interrupted a wedding reception at Mar-a-Lago for a half hour to rant about how people leave Kamala Harris’s rallies early, not his, and then he got visibly upset when wedding guests started leaving the room.
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BREAKING: Leaked private texts from JD Vance reportedly show him complaining about campaigning with Donald Trump because of Trump’s “expired roast beef stench.”
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BREAKING: Hillary Clinton reportedly thinks it's hilarious that the thing that will finally bring down Trump is emails.
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BREAKING: Barack Obama just announced he will be suing Donald Trump for $500 billion over Trump’s claim that Obama led a coup.
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BREAKING: A MAGA fan in Iowa accidentally burned down his house today trying to burn a gay pride flag.
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BREAKING: A dozen taco trucks have parked on the streets around the White House, and are serving chicken tacos in honor of Trump always chickening out.
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BREAKING: A new poll found that 54% of Americans believe Donald Trump will wreck the economy, rob the public treasury, collapse the federal government, trash the Constitution, betray all our allies, wreck the US-led global order, and then die without facing any consequences.
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BREAKING: Donald Trump is reportedly pissed because his AI video of dropping feces on the No Kings protesters backfired, and is once again making #TrumpSmellsLikeShit trend on all the social media platforms.
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BREAKING NEWS: The Oath Keepers are reportedly upset that Donald Trump isn't paying their legal fees like he promised he would before January 6th.
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BREAKING: Donald Trump interrupted a wedding ceremony at Mar-a-Lago today and ranted for 29 minutes about how Kamala Harris’s crowds are actually a mix of holograms, green screens, mirrors, mannequins, robots with masks, paid illegal immigrants, and cardboard cutouts.
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BREAKING: While JD Vance has been on his 5th vacation in 6 weeks, this time in the UK, British protesters have reportedly been waking him up playing bagpipes every morning outside his rental properties at 6am.
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BREAKING: A liberal billionaire is putting up the portrait Donald Trump keeps complaining about on billboards in 25 major cities.
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BREAKING: Historians are officially ranking the first 100 days of Trump's second term as the least successful of any president, including William Henry Harrison, who died on day 32.
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BREAKING: Donald Trump is reportedly threatening Republicans that if the Epstein files are released he'll reveal all the GOP's closeted gays.
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BREAKING: Yesterday while Trump was calling Putin for 40 minutes, the leaders of France, Germany, the UK, and Belgium reportedly spoke in French about how terrible Trump smelled.
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BREAKING: A leaked memo from Fox News reveals that the network's interviewers regularly use Vicks VapoRub when interviewing Donald Trump because he smells like, as one Fox producer called it, "rotten roast beef."
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BREAKING: Donald Trump is reportedly furious that several TikTok trends are going viral urging everyone who can attend his inaugural address to bring kazoos, recorders, and vuvuzelas to interrupt his speech.
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BREAKING: The televangelist who claimed Donald Trump should “put a tariff on homosexuality” and “nuke the modern Sodom and Gomorrah of San Francisco and New York City” just accidentally tweeted out his Grindr account.
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BREAKING: Donald Trump is telling all his supporters to boycott the midterm elections because of how the DOJ is treating him so unfairly.
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BREAKING: Some immigrants are now being escorted to their immigration hearings by both a gang member who ICE is afraid of, and a Catholic priest who ICE wouldn’t dare interfere with.
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BREAKING: A depressed Donald Trump has reportedly been asking friends all day if Fox News’s content is tricking him into thinking he’s much more popular among Americans than he really is.
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BREAKING: The Secret Service is reportedly concerned Elon Musk's FAA firings could endanger Air Force One or Trump's private plane, and result in the President catching on fire or exploding.
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BREAKING: After finding out that the East Wing's demolition is likely flinging asbestos all over the White House grounds, Trump is reportedly trying to sue someone but can't because he started the construction job without any of the proper, legal permissions.
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BREAKING: Donald Trump fell asleep at court again today, and farted audibly while the judge was answering juror questions.
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BREAKING: The Secret Service is requesting people stop ordering taco deliveries to Donald Trump at the White House.
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BREAKING: Musicians from the New York Association of Tuba Players have been taking turns standing in front of Trump Tower every morning and evening so they can play tuba music when Trump walks in and out of the building.
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Zelensky offering his resignation in exchange for peace or NATO membership is such a masterclass in leadership for the world. It’s such a shame he has to deal with the 21st Century’s stupidest, most blatantly self-interested and corrupt leader, Donald Trump.
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BREAKING: Donald Trump is reportedly beginning to worry that the major European nations will take matters into their own hands, deploy troops into eastern Ukraine to stop Putin from stealing any more land, and make Trump entirely irrelevant in any future peace talks.
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BREAKING: GOP state senator Dusty Hawckert of South Dakota reportedly got shot in the foot this morning by his 6-year-old son who was playing with the AR-15 Hawckert got him for Christmas to "own the libs."
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BREAKING: Donald Trump is reportedly threatening to sue Gavin Newsom for “presidential harassment.”
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BREAKING: The Project 25 group says women should be mandated to carry "period passports" that track their menstrual cycles and must be kept up to date, and women must present these to police officers during random ID checks to monitor pregnancies.
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BREAKING: Trump’s lawyers are reportedly panicking because the Democrats Trump claimed are bigger Epstein criminals than him can now sue him for defamation and access all the hidden Epstein Files during discovery to interrogate Trump in a deposition that will be made public.
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BREAKING: White House whistleblowers say Trump works “like 45 minutes a day.”
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