Speaker. Psychotherapist. Coach. A sweet girl, dedicated to chopping life, challenging the status quo & finding practical ways to live out my faith.
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Tired of being controlled by your emotions? Of losing valuable relationships & opportunities because when you lose your cool, you say or things you later regret? You're not alone.
I created #PassengerToPilot, a 7 step Emotional Regulation system for you. PilotMyEmotions.com
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Look at all the times she tried and failed and tried again!!!! I stan a determined queen 🙌🏽
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Screenshots. If this helps only one person, I'll be satisfied. You're welcome ❤️
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My Grandma sold ice blocks. Thinking I was helping, I refilled& replaced what I sold in her absence& it made the rest of the ice thaw. She came back as my Aunty berated me& I'll NEVER forget how she defended me🥹
"is that how to thank a child for helping? she just made a mistake"
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I don't care about water on the floor of the bathroom & kitchen sink but my husband does. So I bought a dozen towels, brown for the bathroom, grey for the kitchen & I make a conscious effort to dry the floors. He doesn't care about bright lights, I do, so he got blackout curtains
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"death by a thousand paper cuts" is something people who are really interested in having long term successful relationships should know about. It's a lesson many learn after the fact tho. Like that guy who wrote about his wife divorcing him because he left dishes by the sink.
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There's such an overabundance of shame reserved for women. If she terminates, shame. She keeps the baby, shame. She loses the baby, shame. Can't conceive, shame. Has only one, shame. Has many, shame. Leaves baby with caregiver to work, shame. Doesn't work to care for baby, shame
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I take children seriously. Ask about their feelings, drop down to eye level so I can actually look them in the eyes, listen patiently even when they're rambling, remember details they share so when next I see them & bring it up, their eyes light up because they feel seen & known
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You've gotta get comfortable with being seen as a bad person because people will really be mad at you for not letting them run you ragged "how dare you not allow me to do this thing which benefits me, at great expense to you?! I thought you were a good person???"
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Update!!
I believe in miracles 🥰🥰
My husband and I both have connecting flights at Frankfurt, me on my way away and he on his way back home, but his flight leaves like an hour before mine arrives. Can I tell my pilot to speed? Or maybe he should tell his own flight to wait? So we can act love feem 😭
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An angle I didn't think about. Nobody is going to want to be friends with her and the stigma will follow her for life. Because of her father's choices 💔
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Mothers can teach their children that chores aren't gendered and all but you know how children learn? By observing. They watch their parents. And if dad doesn't actively participate, they look foward to being a dad who doesn't participate too. Even if they did chores growing up.
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(I think this made as much of an impact with men back when it was published cos it was written by a man. The emotional labor convo is often treated as complaints from unreasonable women. Make of that what you will. I don't have bandwidth for debates)
Best of luck to all of us✌🏾
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Holding children to higher standards of behavior than adults would NEVER make sense to me
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We can fight for our right to leave water on the floor or leave the lights on & curtains open, but what will the quality of our relationship look like OVER THE YEARS as he sighs every time he has to step on wet floors & I have to endure the bright lights? Are they "small things"?
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Can't lie, it's stressful but when you clock that it's just their body that has developed waaaay faster than their brain, so that's a (mostly) confused (still) Little Human who just happens to be taller than you, BEGGING to be understood, it changes how you relate to them
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And some people are acting surprised young women don't want this version for themselves????
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(if you think the idea of a relationship or marriage ending because of such "minor things" is "silly", or that the person with the grouse is "unserious", that's a sign you REALLY REALLY NEED this learning. That tendency to be dismissive is a tell.)
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Me, seeing my friend post about her upcoming event, feeling some type of way about not getting invited🥺💔
Me choosing to talk to my friend first, instead of about them, reminding myself that the story I'm telling myself (they don't want me there) is not the only version possible
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Acne showed me pepper in the past year. But look at God!!
My last dermatologist visit was yesterday, after all kinds of interventions and then I finally got on Accutane (isotretinoin) for 6 months.
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We're all human and flawed, so there's DEFINITELY some putting up with each other that has to happen in long term relationships. That's different from a general attitude of dismissiveness & blatant disregard for the things the person you claim to love has said matters to them.
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The idea that if you love a person, you'll tolerate everything they do, & the love will be so amazing, none of the "small things" will ever really matter is not one I agree with. The type of love that *EYE* know & practice involves kind consideration & regard. Mutual & reciprocal
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I'm not going to get tired of explaining that you don't have to be a bad person for your action (or inaction) to do damage to people you love. It took me a while to learn it so I understand how it can be.
Yes, you're a good person. Also yes, you can be impacting others negatively
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This conversation about people ending their lives is so fokkin triggering. Are you saying you can't hold space for BOTH the person who was in so much pain, they didn't see any other option AND the person who is in pain from impact? We're ranking? And doing "yours is not so bad"💔
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It is. Now what?
Why do y'all want so desperately for women to declare that ALL that matters more than ANYTHING ELSE is being a mother. It isn't. Being a mom is great, yes. It's just one segment of a multifaceted life, not everything. At least not to me. Why does that bother you?
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Found it.
I STRONGLY RECOMMEND that you read it, so you can learn from someone else's experience and not from yours.
You can thank me later. thetimes.com/life-style/sex-…
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Or you'll find out that the demise of a marriage isn't only due to one isolated concrete moment of conflict, but death by a thousand tiny paper cuts that eventually create an accumulation of wounds so severe, there's no healing them. Starts from being dismissive of "small" things
You will marry them and you will wash off the wall after them when you use the bathroom everyday, probably for the rest of your life and you wouldn’t love them any less for it, cos they would be super amazing in so many other ways that a soapy wall wouldn’t matter one bit.
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Children are vulnerable and deserve protection. Even when they make poor choices. Especially when they make poor choices. Children NEED to be protected.
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Back in the day you had to talk to people in real life before you knew how they thought and who to avoid. Y'all are lucky these days because now, they're publishing their thoughts and you can save yourself valuable time.
If your girlfriend comes to spend the weekend with you, and she stays in bed till 8am, it just might be a sign that she's lazy or doesn't really rate you.
Except she's sick.
You'll understand this tweet when you get married & start having children.
End.
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I made A LOT of (well intentioned but not properly thought through) mistakes as a child & got berated A LOT.
Maami was so kind & patient with me❤️.
I grew up, learned I NEEDED to replace my berating inner voice with a kind one & I chose hers.
I now use it for myself & my children
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See this boy? Mommying him has changed my life. We're at the hospital & normally, I'd be a mess but today, I'm not because of something he said so casually. We were at church and I said let's pray about your diagnosis.
He said mom, I think God has other plans and that's okay.
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Did I ever gist y'all about how my father's family gathered for a meeting to plan how to get my dad to marry a new wife because he had 4 daughters & needed an heir? In their sister's house. Who only had daughters too. She dragged them & chased them away 😂😂 Iya Danfo, my hero
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White slave owners preached like this to their slaves, using the bible to teach them that emancipation was a sin of rebellion. Didn't work then, will not work now.
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Sadness because as a woman, it's so normal for your desires to be trivialized as nonsense, to the point where you yourself actively participate.
Pay attention to how she speaks about herself
"I don't ask for many things"
"I'm a low maintenance girlfriend"
"I know it sounds vain"
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Let me tell you a pattern I've observed. When a thing is "small and relatively insignificant" TO US, we think it should be so for the other party. But things mean things to people. If something matters to someone I care about it doesn't have to matter to me to take it seriously
He wrote a very good (imo) book too however I think long term partnership at the end of the should be more than a lot of small and relatively insignificant things…
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I love seeing women choose themselves, not just as retaliation for being treated badly or to prove a point, but as a rational proactive choice because she's thinking about her future.
"Here's the life I want, here's how I plan to get it."
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My brother took his first paycheck to my dad's friends, who had set up a fund after my dad died and paid his way through his MSc. I saw grown men crying that day ehn. They cried more than they did at their friend's funeral. It's a symbolic gesture.
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She obviously did not think him incapable of parenting his own child, but you apparently did, seeing as you swooped in to save him from his distress. Well done, I guess
I had a dad on my flight with his toddler daughter. She was giving him HELL. Screaming on the plane and yelling for her mama. I calmed her down for the most part and she was fine ten minutes later. TELL ME WHY her mama was on the flight the whole mf time TWO ROWS ahead 😭😭😭
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So... he didn't come to the realization that his desire to control his wife and have her "lay down her life" for him was a problem. The problem he discovered was that she hadn't learned to do it well yet because they were newlyweds? lol okay
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My husband and I both have connecting flights at Frankfurt, me on my way away and he on his way back home, but his flight leaves like an hour before mine arrives. Can I tell my pilot to speed? Or maybe he should tell his own flight to wait? So we can act love feem 😭
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been coming back to this thread cos so many interesting responses. The most interesting one to me being "retire your wife" as if she's an inanimate object not a person who could possibly want anything else besides being a fulltime parent and homemaker
Been chatting with my wife about an issue I want to solve, but am a bit stumped -- so thought I would ask the question here, and maybe get some ideas:
We both work full-time, and have two young kids at home.
Our nanny leaves at 5pm, and then I get home a bit after that. We play with the kids for about an hour (while my wife makes them dinner), have dinner, and then we each give one of them a bath, and help put them to bed.
By then it's around 7pm, we're both completely exhausted. We would like nothing more than to enjoy some downtime the rest of the night after a long day, but the work is just beginning.
The kitchen and dining areas are now a mess from dinner, the dishes need to be done, and food needs to be prepared for the kids for the next day.
By the time all of it is done, it's after 9pm, we are beyond exhausted, and the day is essentially over.
We have a cleaner that comes to the house twice a week, but of course wraps up well before 6pm.
What do other people do to solve this issue?
How do you win back your free time after the kids go do bed, without leaving a mess overnight and ensuring they have food ready for the next day?
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I moved to a totally new country with no friends at 31 and I've built a decent network of valuable connections since. If I thought 30 was too old, maybe I'd have limited myself?
I'm today years old for anything I want to do, life is for enjoyment
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Friendly reminder that jealousy is an emotion (energy in motion), not a behavior, that everyone experiences. It's simply the (very legitimate) fear of losing something you already have to someone else. If you never felt it, I would be worried about you fr
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Here's what I've been up to in the past 6 months. The goal was to lose 40 pounds in 40 weeks for my 40th. It took 26 weeks and I feel so good that I smashed my goal. Look at God! Won't He do it???
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Love his brain🥰 he's like who has time for this false dichotomy???? we have more options, let's all use our brains ok? Please and thank you.
It's how I feel about the dilemmas we discuss on this app, like you do realize there are a myriad of other options in real life right?
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You have my deepest sympathies for the limiting beliefs that have you thinking it's either one or the other
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Someone who deliberately chose a well educated, high earning, working woman to marry. lol shey we're all watching this thing play out???
He phrased this tweet to make it look like he actually cares about women but it is false. This take is horribly and frighteningly misogynistic.
The king of feminism wants us to return to the dark ages when women were cut off from others except their immediate families.
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Does he even really want kids? Or does he want the satisfaction of overriding her will? Of feeling powerful because he got her to do his bidding? Does he want to see how much pressure he can exert? Will she cave in? Will he win? So he can say, look at me, I did it!! I'm a man💪🏾
A girl I know is getting divorced because she made it very clear that she doesn’t want to have kids - to the extent that it’s in their marriage contract. It was their anniversary and she asked him what he’d like (gift) and he said for her to change her mind about having kids 😳
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Pulled up and my husband was on the ladder fixing something on the roof and my body started to do gish-gish. I told him to hurry up, so I can show him something inside
Him: wawuuuu it's to be climbing ladder everyday now o maybe that's your love language 😂😂😂it's onnnnn
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Sense of belonging?
Immigrants are running for office and winning in America. My children, born to immigrants can run for President. Yet, my own people at home were calling a fellow Yoruba candidate unqualified because his mother is Igbo.
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Since I've started reminding myself that I don't always have all the information and making the choice to talk to my people first, before I talk about them, my relationships have improved.
I check in and clarify, because that's what I would like my people to do for me too.
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We turned 18 🥳
How it started. How it's going.
To the God who kept us through all the different seasons of this journey, THANK YOU!
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I was packing a box of naija food for a friend who lives in an area without African stores like Houston
Me: what of ogbono?
Her: that's my favorite soup! but no my husband doesn't eat it
Me: do YOU want?
Her: my husband..
Me: I didn't say you should cook it for him o, do YOU want
"Is that how you will hold the turning stick when u get to your husband's house"?
"You like nose ring, what if your husband doesn't like it"
"You don't know how to pound yam, What if that's your husband's best food"
"What if your husband is not okay with you doing another degree"
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I have an uncle who is about that age and the joy I felt when his wife and children packed up and left is indescribable. The idea that your family is required to put up with cruelty, where is it from? The Bible you're using to justify terrible behavior? Enjoy the consequences.
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Adults who create safe spaces for children they didn't birth >>>>>>
My sons friend is really my child too at this point.
He asked his transport to drop him off here instead of at his home. He gets here, I tell him my son is still at school. Tell me why he just said “ok” & just sat down to watch tv 😭?
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My friend's baby's naming ceremony last night, she talked about how hard the 18 year wait was. there was hardly a dry eye in church. I sat there thinking of all the times I didn't reach out cos I was worried she might find it intrusive then she said my name & I cried even more
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The person you should be paying close attention to is yourself. Ask yourself why you've just got a big win & all you can think about is other people's reactions. Why are you somersaulting to conclusions & causing yourself needless pain? You deserve to treat yourself better
Pay close attention to how your friends react when you tell them how something good has happened to you. Not just then but over the next few days.
Your true friends go carry your celebration on top their head
The ones who truly celebrate with you are your real friends
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The way a person who claims to love you can rationalize choices to ruin your life will always be wild to me
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I have zero context AND I know NOTHING about them but I'm 99.99% sure that she's stressed because the mess they're in could've been avoided if he had listened to her. But did he listen?? Now he's stretching his hand.
Being a nice woman she let it slide. Such a sweet lovely babe❤️
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I FIRMLY believe that allowing a person you love to always have their way, especially against your own best interest, weakens the bond you think you're trying to strengthen by agreeing to everything. Everyone wants to be with someone they respect, even if they don't know it yet.
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Incompetence is unattractive to me. Nothing cute or funny about being grown and incapable for no other reason than basic survival skills being gendered. It may be socially acceptable, but I personally think it's stupid.
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Children getting punished for not having mastery of emotions the adults punishing them also don't have.
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Yeah. Confirmed!!
Happiness fits me. Joy becomes me. Pleasant surprises are my portion 🥰🥰🥰
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My daughter was making eba first thing this morning and I'm still not over it. Who wakes up and thinks, oh, I'm going to make eba??? The ijebu is strong
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I've been thinking about this for a while & I think self initiating/taking initiative should be a whole different love language because it's not so much the act of service/words of affirmation itself, it's not having to ask for it, as in, it's their own idea. they came up with it
I like acts of service but I will never ask you to perform them. it’s something I like to see happen on its own with 0 influence on my part.
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Wife to single woman: "but do your friends feel secure with you around their husband?"
The husband:
Ivorian married man, Anselme Santos is being criticised for asking a Senegalese lady for her phone number during an AFCON game.
The lady declined his request.
He has apologised to his wife and children.
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He was confident she'd continue to put up with him. He was 30 and she was 20, Lord knows what her eyes saw for 35 years that she is saying NEVER AGAIN to. It is now he's incentivized to "change"
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It's been 15 years and you're still my favorite person in the world. I love you Debola. Happy 11/11 ❤️❤️❤️
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See children she endured 35 years for. mad at her for not wanting to suffer in perpetuity.
Do they even care about her well-being? All the sweet mother, iyaniwura, I love my mother for everything she went through for me? only as long as she's fulfilling the "social contract"
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My fav genre is men shocked at the audacity of women to not put up with the nonsense they were sure they'd be able to get away with. Wailing and gnashing of teeth *cue evil laugh
Not my sisters fiancé talking bout he can’t see himself with one woman weeks before the wedding. She sent him a thumbs up, blocked him and went to the gym. He’s crashing tf out.
Raised this one right.
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David: we just take responsibility for what needs to be done...it shows that we care
Me: 🥹❤️
Why did David come downstairs now & demonstrate what I've been trying to explain about taking initiative.
David unprovoked: Mom, these eggs need peeling right? I'll get to it.
That's a different thing from me asking him to peel them, which he would've gladly done.
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My babies, for their Fall Formal dance at school. My heart wants to burrrrrrrsssssst 🥰🥰🥰🥰
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Not a day goes by that I don't think of how much of a person's life depends on another person's honesty
My ex-husband was a gay man in denial who lived a secret life the entire time we were married. If women know they are entering into a situation like that it’s hard enough. When they don’t know it’s horribly tragic for both partners. Closets are for clothes.
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Before you listen to a man citing "capricious hormonal changes" as a reason you should give up a career you had before you met him to stay at home to cater to the family, I beg you to ask 10 older women you respect in your family. Not on the internet o, your own family.
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Àmàlà = high fiber tuber
Ewédú = jute smoothie
Red stew = tomato and pepper smoothie with palm oil to increase nutrient absorption of the vitamins.
Goat meat and ponmo for long life and prosperity. Sis you're right on track!
I said I was only going to eat fruits and vegetables today… so what am I supposed to do about this Amala craving bayii?
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