playing cards and helping you travel business class at near economy rates. message me for all your flying needs
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*uber picks me up from rio*
Uber : hey how’d the poker go? Win or lose?
Me : oh I don’t play I just went to watch
Uber : nah, I know you were playing
FFS I can’t even bluff my Uber driver
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On my flight I was using the calculator on my phone, after doing some math I ended with the number 8,725,000.
The flight attendant saw it and said “is that all the money you made in Vegas?”
Lady, I’m sitting in seat 35 E on Spirit Airlines, what do you think?
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Playing 2-5 at aria and the guy on my left says “you look a lot like alex keating, well not really, just the beard, kinda. You know him? He final tabled the main event one time”
Then he showed me a picture of myself and said “I wonder what he’s up to now”
Mostly this bud
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Pai Gow it is. Freeroll still on
Gonna take 10k and try to run it to 30. $500 freeroll to one random person that likes/retweets this if I take 30+ to the cage. Sweat me at palms if you’re not mush
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He didn’t hurt anyone. He didn’t abuse anyone. He wasn’t vocal in anyones direction. The guy can’t be upset as he walks it off? We’re regulating emotion now? None of you get upset when the sports guy slams his helmet or even yells at the referee. Y’all bored
@RealKidPoker
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Playing roulette at Cosmopolitan. I saw someone lay down $3,000 spread out over a bunch of numbers. While the ball was spinning he completed his booking on spirit airlines
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Trump has already improved the economy. I've never seen so many people drinking at the bar on a Wednesday morning!
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Wow I’m a joke. Someone comes up to me and says “hey man, mind if we get a picture?”
I say sure and do the half arm around him thing and he says
“No.. you take one of me and my wife”
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Class act @DarrenElias
Finds a $100 chip in the gap between our seat, asks if I want to split it. I say you found it, it’s all yours. He then gives the whole thing to the dealer
#wholesomedude
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Everytime I fold the river from now on ima be like a shark tank judge
“Your raise before the flop indicated strength to me, not rechecking your cards on a monotone board let me know you’re a good player, and I have nothing to do today if I bust. For those reasons, I’m out”
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Can we have a boomers vs millennials tournament? @wsop
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*Old guy in the tank for 4 minutes*
Old guy : I’m gonna fold. I’m gonna fold like a little girl
Young girl : I wouldn’t have folded that you fat goat
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Matched with a girl on tinder and met her for Chinese food. Ended up looking nothing like her pictures. Oh well. You dim sum you lose some
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Before accepting my advice on anything, keep in mind I got a fidgit spinner stuck in my beard this morning
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Her :I'm gainfully employed, getting my masters, and have a clear 10 year plan
Me :sounds like you could use some instability in your life
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Check into my @ChoctawDurant room. Smells like smoke. I call front desk. She tells me to grow up, it's a casino, sometimes smells like smoke
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Turning 30 this year and I just wanted to say something to all the people growing up that said I'd never amount to anything
Lucky guess
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Just played with @WilliamKassouf for the first time. Was a delightful gentlemen. Take out the stalling and I don't see the problem
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Me: What is the max I can withdrawal?
Bank teller: As much as you want
Me: I'd like to withdrawal 8k
BT: Oh you can't withdrawal that much!
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Can someone explain to me why throwing an empty bag of Doritos on the ground is so bad but no one cares when people throw their cigarette butts anywhere?
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Looks like when Justin Shwartz said “I don’t do handshakes people” he was just healthy and ahead of all of us
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Life hack :
When your Uber AC is too low and music is too loud, and you don’t wanna be no diva and make 2 requests, just mumble “Can you turn up the AC?”
He won’t understand so he’ll ask you to repeat while turning down the volume. Then you ask regular style.
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20y girl: what does tilt mean?
Me: tilt is when you lose control, get emotional, and make reckless decisions
20: oh you mean having no chill
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Uber : Oh rio convention? Are you playing in the poker tournament??
Me : Oh, no, just watching
Try it
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In London trying to buy headphones. Didn’t accept my American card and I didn’t have enough English currency.
I said
“Sorry I’m short about 180 pounds”
She said
“You should make that your tinder profile”
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Wouldn't give Chris Ferguson change when he late regged the monster stack #dididoitright?
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Girl are you a fanny pack? Cuz you make a lot of sense but I don’t really wanna be seen with you
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A player in the main event lost an all in on the river and didn’t want to show her cards. Why does she have to? Why is this a big deal? To prevent collusion?
Ok so colluders know they can bet 99% of their stack and get away with it. Who are we protecting?
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Today I get surgery on my shoulder.
Let me be clear. If you text and drive you are a low life, worthless, future stealing, life ruining, selfish, bottom of society, piece of garbage
I hope you’re miserable for the rest of your life and never have fun again
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I wish when I fuck up the river my opponent would let me take back the bet like when I make a bad move vs my dad in chess
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Barcelona has 800 flights a day, each plane holds an average of about 190 seats
For me to end up next to Huni, unplanned, is about 152,000 to 1.
Tell me again why I couldn’t hit an ace on the flop?
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So if I play 40 tournaments this summer and never cash, do I kill myself or do they send someone to do it for me?
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Don’t text and drive. Seriously. Penalties should be higher for this. Automatic loss of license for 3 months. More dangerous than drinking
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Won 5 million dollars AND met the love of his life the same night?? How lucky can one guy be?!!
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Yeah. Too far. You should hit on women like Barry Greenstein plays poker. Fire one shell and then give up unless things drastically change
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If Apple ever gets nominated for the Supreme Court, I'm gonna bring up that time I woke up and there was an entire U2 album in my phone
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I just busted a tourney and my uber driver is listening to christmas music and only singing the “a rum pum pum pum” part out loud
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I never wait in line for anything. I'm not important. Just if there's a line, I do something else
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I don’t like the WSOP decision to require vax to play. However, I think they absolutely have the right to make that decision. If we don’t like it, we can either get vaxxed, or not play. That’s called liberty. I’m for it when it’s for me, and I’m for it when it’s against me.
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Drugs aren't the problem. Addiction is the problem. Don't teach no drugs. Teach moderation, learn how to break/avoid addiction, teach that
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After enjoying a nice 9 handed tournament. It’s time for us to protest as a unit. Everytime you bust out of 10 handed tournament, you gently lay your chair on the ground. VIVA LA 9 HANDED POKER!
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Rules for chip denominations in tournaments
25 - green
100 - black
500 - purple
1000 - yellow
5000 - Fuck it, surprise us
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Things I’ve learned this year
1. Asia is a very diverse continent with many rich cultures and great food
2. Don’t piss off @DougPolkPoker
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Valentine's Day is when someone buys you candy and you have sex with them. How is this any different than Halloween?
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I just found a plastic egg in Central Park with a mini sized bottle of Jack Daniels in it and that’s how I found out it’s Easter
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Sitting first class. The girl next to me knows which fork is designated for which meal and I’m literally watching Despicable Me 3
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I'm wearing a Nike hat to my appointment today to make my Dr. think I'm in better shape than I am
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Weird how when I’m talking to someone and they interrupt me before I’m done I get frustrated. But when someone starts typing at the same time as me I’m like “alright lemme see what they gotta say first”
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Here’s how I know I’m a good person. When I use free wifi and it asks for me to put in an email. I always put in a fake email. However, I always uncheck the “can we send you shit” option, so that guys box doesn’t get spammed
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Diabetics also aren't allowed in the military. Trans cost the military more than than they benefit it. This isn't a hate thing
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I'm gonna call the turn, if the draw misses I don't think he has the balls to bluff the river
*draw misses, he shoves*
welllll maybe he can
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Uber : how's your day going?
Me : touchy subject
Uber : ah ok, where you going?
Me : also touchy subject
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Physical therapist : did you stretch your arm this week?
Me : *thinking back to making change at the feature table*
Yup
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On my way to the airport my driver asked me what airline, I said United, I got dropped off at Sports Authority
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While we’re at it, let us talk during the hand. We’re not colluding. If we were we could do it without talking. Players should be able to discuss their hands (while heads up)
Imagine that tule getting changed because of this poker bunny event. (I think it should be changed) Then she and cristos can argue about who made a bigger impact in poker, shot clocks vs mucking
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