Veteran sex writer with a discerning vagina. 🌈 📝 heyepiphora.com FIND ME ELSEWHERE: 🦋 bit.ly/piphbsky 📸 bit.ly/piphig 💌 heyepiphora.com/subscribe
- Tweets 48,935
- Following 2,594
- Followers 24,891
- Likes 4,422
Pinned Tweet
I'm no longer on Twitter or FB. Find me elsewhere...
My life's work, my blog: 🌈📝 heyepiphora.com
🦋 bit.ly/piphbsky
📸 bit.ly/piphig
💌 piph.it/subscribe
🏆 piph.it/faves
💖 piph.it/shops
💸 piph.it/deals
ALT A graphic with a background photo of a stainless steel dildo lying on a turquoise, vulva-patterned backdrop. Text reads "FIND ME ELSEWHERE" with the URL HeyEpiphora.com and social handles for Bluesky and Instagram.
7
2
19
26,466
Vulvas are not vaginas.
Sex is not shameful.
Anything can be a "couples' sex toy."
Kegel balls won't "get lost" inside you.
Your vag cannot possibly break a glass dildo.
Yes, there are people who use large dildos and powerful wand vibrators.
There isn't one "BEST" sex toy.
What‘s something that seems obvious within your profession, but the general public seems to misunderstand?
8
131
510
Just masturbated for 3 hours, used 32 sex toys, and had 7 orgasms, because I'm extremely normal
33
9
366
URGENT MESSAGE FOR WOMEN:
Today is International Women's Day. Please check your inbox for the many HIGHLY EMPOWERING ways you can ENGAGE IN CAPITALISM today!!!!
2
73
338
Fight your existential dread with orgasms. I'm giving away 10 sex toy survival kits to get you through this dystopian nightmare, each worth $400+! 💰
🗳 Enter to win on my blog now — and don't forget to pack your bug-out bag for extra entries! piph.it/apocalypse
14
572
258
Let me shower you with vibrators and dildos! 💦 I'm giving away 50 (!!!) sex toy prizes to celebrate my 14-year blogging anniversary!
🎁 Enter to win now: piph.it/giveaway2021
ALT A bazillion sex toys lying on black satin fabric, with text on top: "SEX TOY GIVEAWAY." This image is from my old blog header, featuring many toys that are no longer produced.
38
399
254
Portland protesters have drafted resignation letters for cops, which they fold into planes and fly over the fence that has been constructed around the Justice Center. 💯
157
274
"I'm looking for a vibrator for my wife" is the most useless phrase dudes say in a sex shop. As if I'm just gonna be like "no problem at all, sir, let me direct you to the one and only vibrator designed for WIVES."
11
43
263
Uh. Wow. Wildflower named their sex toy "Enby" for clout, and now they're trying to SUE a Black- and trans-owned sex shop FOR USING THE WORD "ENBY."
Excuse me???? That word is not yours????? piph.it/3pUJClo
5
125
253
Recently a porn scene made me so emotional I almost cried. I want to tell you about it. 🧵
4
48
265
41,534
y'all I am losing MY ENTIRE mind
ALT A blue tea infuser shaped like a man with sunglasses and arms crossed. The packaging has him saying "hey girl."
ALT The website description of the tea man infuser. "Dip this handsome lad into your cup of tea and live bicurious through his relaxation."
ALT A close-up of the phrase "live bicurious through his relaxation."
8
52
253
🔶 VIBRATOR GIVEAWAY + REVIEW! 🔶 The Touch and Tango have been beloved bullet vibrators for a decade... are the new versions as good? The answer is: they're better. piph.it/wevibex
ENTER TO WIN YOUR OWN:
💄 Follow @Epiphora
💄 Like + RT this
Open to US + CA. Ends 2/27.
ALT The We-Vibe Touch X and Tango X lying on a pillow.
11
207
252
Portland public schools will no longer have cops in them. 👏
The time is now. With new proposed investments in direct student supports (social workers, counselors, culturally-specific partnerships & more), I am discontinuing the regular presence of School Resource Officers @PPSConnect. We need to re-examine our relationship with the PPB.
4
57
207
It's time for the first mini sex toy GIVEAWAY in my #dildocarnival, and you could win a $125 gift card to @HolePunchToys!
TO ENTER:
🍿 Follow me
🍿 Like and RT this
🍿 Reply with your all-time favorite carnival food
Ends 10/12. All prizes & details: piph.it/dildocarnival
ALT A neapolitan ice cream colored butt plug among carnival foods such as popcorn, taffy, and corn dogs.
223
180
238
🖤 VIBRATOR G I V E A W A Y 🖤 Because my top vibe of last year now comes in ALL BLACK! Come win a Volta courtesy of @funfactory_intl!
TO ENTER:
⚡ Follow @Epiphora
⚡ Like + RT
⚡ Reply with the most goth thing about yourself ⚰️
Giveaway open to US entrants only. Ends 3/23.
ALT A black vibrator with two pointy tips lying in the snow.
160
153
223
These Titanic-themed sex toys are atrocious and two decades too late and I DON'T CARE I LOVE THEM. The fucking nipple clamps are called "I'll Never Let Go" and the anal beads are "My Heart Will Go On and On"!!
24
50
227
Embark on a pleasure vacation 🌴🌊 with the largest sex toy giveaway I've ever done, featuring 80+ prizes and a grand prize package worth over $1,500!
Get away from it all — with orgasms. 🍹 Enter now: piph.it/getaway (ends 11/5)
13
426
174
Well this is very NOT TRUE. And infuriating to me as a sex educator.
Don't let anyone ever shame you into believing this nonsense. nitter.app/KushFruit/status/10011…
20
50
219
Weird how none of the "let's close the orgasm gap!!!" marketing ever seems aimed at cis men, the primary people responsible for the orgasm gap 🧐
5
38
212
One hella good perk of polyamory: being able to ask your partner's partner for gift-giving advice
4
28
208
Whenever a dude yells "that will make me obsolete!" about a sex toy, narrow your eyes, pause, and say very seriously:
"Yes, yes it will."
4
72
200
Constantly in awe of the fact that orgasms exist, cost nothing, feel sublime, and I can conjure them whenever the fuck I want ALL BY MYSELF
1
31
193
Me on my deathbed, feebly typing on my phone as I take my last breath: "yes, silicone sex toys can be stored together without melting"
1
31
200
I've been invited to a sex party called Pumpkin Spice Orgy and one of the lines in the invitation reads, "Spin the Lube Bottle will start at 9:15, we're too old to stay up until 6am again"
3
12
199
I asked my tax consultant whether I can write off porn as a business expense and she said I totally can, so IT'S ON NOW
3
9
194
🏆 GIVEAWAY! 🏆 Which self-thrusting sex toy will cross the finish line first in a live race? Guess correctly & you could win one!
TO ENTER:
🏁 Follow me
🏁 Like & RT
🏁 Reply w/ the toy you think will win (L to R: Drei, Eins, G, Surf)
Live race 10/29. piph.it/dildocarnival
173
124
197
My blog is valid and I am a good writer
My blog is valid and I am a good writer
My blog is valid and I am a good writer
My blog is valid and I am a good writer
My blog is valid and I am a good writer
Repeat until sentiment feels more true.
13
14
197
Did I lug these dildos 2,543 miles across the ocean just for these photos? Yes. Did they almost wash out to sea while I was shooting? Also yes. I wanted pics of them in their natural habitat, OKAY?!
ALT Five ocean-themed dildos standing on some rocks, with the ocean in the background. One is starfish-shaped, another is a dolphin, and of course a tentacle.
12
14
186
THIS is why where you shop for your sex toys matters. There are businesses, and then there are true feminist businesses who give a shit about their employees.
Smitten Kitten is closed today due to dangerous cold! Our staff are paid an hourly wage and will miss work hours. Extreme weather events are becoming more commonplace and it is now our policy to pay our staff for missed shifts due to weather-related closures. #polarvortexpaycheck
7
36
172
There was a cunnilingus class at work last night and afterward, a DJ Khaled song came on our stereo. I skipped that shit SO FAST.
LET IT BE KNOWN, ONLY PRO-CUNNILINGUS MUSICIANS WILL BE PLAYED IN THIS ESTABLISHMENT.
7
22
189
🎪 SEX TOY GIVEAWAY! 🎪 Wanna win a $125 gift card to @ShopSpectrum and a handful of tiny dildos from @FunkitToys?
TO ENTER:
🎲 Follow me
🎲 Like RT this
🎲 Reply with guess on how many tiny dildos are in the jar
Ends 10/19. All prizes & details: piph.it/dildocarnival
ALT A glass jar full of colorful tiny dildos, in front of a carnival backdrop.
186
141
186
New post! Ever heard the words "buzzy" and "rumbly" to describe vibrators and thought, "wow, I have no earthly idea what that means"? Now I have SCIENCE and VIDEO to explain the difference! bit.ly/2DrbRQW
13
55
178
Hi I got riled up and wrote 3,000 words about how our sex toys shouldn't poison us, please enjoy and tell your mom bit.ly/2wukbya
11
81
167
I'm the Oprah of sex toys today as I'm spending the day selecting all ~100 winners of my huge sex toy giveaway. Exhausting but rewarding!
13
6
168
Me: *casually tweets something*
A Man on the Internet™: excuse me, you have phrased this in a way that makes me uncomfortable and I shall now spend eight more tweets convincing you of how very wrong you are
3
17
160
CN: pet loss
I'm going to be stepping away from social media and my blog for a time. My sweet baby Boris has cancer and I need to spend as much time with him as possible. 💔 I'm not comfortable sharing details — if you'd like, I'd love to hear about how Boris brought you joy. 🌈
ALT Boris, a grey Sphynx cat, wrapped in a blanket and giving a happy stare.
31
170
On this day 15 years ago, I hit "publish" on my very first blog post. I was oblivious to the weird and wild future that lay ahead of me. How could a person make a career out of a BLOG? Especially one about something so *gasp*?
Well, I managed to, and that's because of you. 💖 🧵
11
15
175
16,947
Oh I'm sorry, does having sexual interests make someone MURDERABLE? Fuck OFF
6
26
172
Uh. You can't call a category of your online store "Luxury Dildos" then fill it with jelly shit that's going to burn my genitals off. Thought that was obvious by now. Guess not.
5
10
153
Hand-cranked vibrator from 1905! Surprisingly rumbly! @FunkitToys demonstrating on my hand. #SFS18
9
38
155
Some people throw sticks for their dogs to chase. Me, I toss miniature dildos on the floor to occupy my cats.
18
28
162
20,811
✨ These claw machine prizes are VIBRATORS! ✨ I'm giving away the @wevibe Sync (blue) & Rave!
TO WIN:
🕹️ Follow me
🕹️ Like & RT
🕹️ Reply w/ toy of choice (Sync or Rave) & tag a friend — you may do this multiple times!
Ends 10/28. More: piph.it/dildocarnival #dildocarnival
ALT From-above shot of a pile of stuffed animals, with the We-Vibe Sync and Rave among them.
180
105
154
Masturbating like it's 1925 as I test out several antique vibrators, one of which screws into a freaking lightbulb socket for power (!!!): piph.it/vintage
7
37
153
Yesterday this beautiful creature, my girlfriend, got married! I love you, @aeriesroom, and I'm so happy you've found another human who loves you like you deserve — and wholeheartedly accepts my role in your life as well. 💖 #polylove #epipherie
ALT A person with teal hair wearing a fluffy hat with cat ears, smiling and holding the hands of another person during a wedding ceremony.
12
2
153
🌠 VIBRATOR GIVEAWAY + REVIEW! 🌠 The Zumio E has the tiniest tip ever to wiggle against my clit. Orgasms are inescapable! Read my full review: piph.it/zumioe
ENTER TO WIN YOUR OWN:
🌀 Follow @Epiphora
🌀 Like + RT this
Open internationally! Ends 8/6.
ALT The Zumio E, a black very pinpoint vibrator, sitting on top of a knitted vulva art piece. More vulva-inspired items lay nearby.
10
126
153
Putting out a call for a sex-positive graphic designers & web developers is NOT SEXUAL SOLICITATION you fucking evil pricks.
This may be the last straw with Facebook. I cannot ever win. Ever. And they will ruin me over it.
3
13
153
I'M FINALLY DOING IT: I'm writing a blog post series about all the sex parties I've attended. Yes, series. 😈 ARE YOU EXCITED???
8
4
155
"I've personally always wanted to experiment with having a cock" —blog post, 2008
"Why even have sex if I'm not going to get my dick sucked??" —me, 2019, significantly gayer
3
15
153
Fuck you, @Apple. Fuck your moralizing gatekeeping sex-hating bullshit.
"We do believe we have a moral responsibility to keep porn off the iPhone. Folks who want porn can buy an Android phone." –Steve Jobs
6
57
145
ALT A sign on a cash register which reads, "Hello friends, please use they/them pronouns for our staff until you learn what pronouns they use. We welcome you to share your pronouns with us as well!"
5
34
134
Fuck you.
FUCK. YOU.
FUCK YOU.
goddamnit why can't I make text bigger on Twitter, FUCK YOU, YOU FLAMING PILE OF GARBAGE
As we celebrate LGBT Pride Month and recognize the outstanding contributions LGBT people have made to our great Nation, let us also stand in solidarity with the many LGBT people who live in dozens of countries worldwide that punish, imprison, or even execute individuals....
7
34
138
Okay, white men. Let's talk about this.
ALT Screenshot from a sex toy company's website, where they claim they "couldn't find" any progressive sex toys/companies. Ha. Ha. Ha.
16
19
137
🍫 VIBRATOR GIVEAWAY 🍫 Satisfy your sweet tooth with the LELO Mona 2, one of my fave vibrators ever, donated by @ShopSpectrum!
TO ENTER:
🍭️ Follow me
🍭️ Like & RT
🍭️ Reply tagging a friend — you may comment multiple times
Ends 11/9. More: piph.it/dildocarnival
ALT Two hands in front of the sky, one holding a bouquet of Mona 2 vibrators and the other holding a large colorful lollipop.
154
109
138
Mood: watching porn and getting so concerned about the dryness of someone's genitals that I'm adding extra lube to MYSELF
3
9
141
A guy on this dating reality show just called himself "the biggest freak in the world."
Every time a dude says that, I wanna be like, "oh, so I can stick things in your penis?!"
11
12
141
K if you're a sex education website and you have a section called "for couples" then another called "queer" you should probably re-think that??? And I hate you
1
14
148
👻 SPOOKY GIVEAWAY 👻 Here in the haunted house, you could win the frighteningly-good njoy Pure Wand, donated by @ShopSpectrum!
TO ENTER:
💀 Follow me
💀 Like & RT
💀 Reply filling in the blank: "it's not Halloween without ______"
Ends 11/9. More: piph.it/dildocarnival
ALT The stainless steel njoy Pure Wand lying among some spooky things such as doll parts, an old book, and an animal skull.
127
105
145
Can't stop thinking about this dialogue I read in a fan fiction the other night: "turn around and face the window. I want you to see how the world stops when I make you come."
4
29
152
Dear sex toy manufacturers: billing something as a "couples' vibrator" then acting like all couples = 1 man + 1 woman is alienating as fuck
7
20
134
Keep thinking about the people who condescendingly told me "it's just a difference of opinion" as if there would be no consequences for electing a racist misogynist dictator
1
16
133
The biggest sex toy giveaway of the year is HERE! Over 80 prizes + grand prize pack worth over $1,000! bit.ly/decadeoftoys #decadeoftoys
ALT Collage of vectors of tons of sex toys with rainbow-gradient banners advertising the giveaway.
12
598
138
Feels like I've been waiting forever to tell you: GUYS, I HAVE MY OWN LUBE NOW. 💦
Piph Lube is infused with 5 uniquely-stimulating ingredients never before used in a lubricant. That means it doesn't just lubricate — it enhances. piph.it/piphlube
22
18
148
Step right up: I'm throwing a DILDO CARNIVAL! 🎪 Forget lousy stuffed animal prizes; this huge giveaway is the biggest of the year, featuring over 60 sex toys and all kinds of fun attractions!
🎟️ Enter the giveaway now: piph.it/dildocarnival
ALT Fun, colorful vector graphic showcasing all the sex toys in the giveaway.
3
463
140
This vibrator review isn't done yet because I had too many orgasms in the course of writing it. That's my excuse. SORRY
8
4
134
Employee at wallpaper store: "what kind of pattern are you looking for?"
Me: [hesitates] "well, uh, it's oddly specific, but I'm looking for a vulva pattern."
Employee, unsure they heard me correctly: "...vulva?"
6
6
137
Confused about how to act in a sex shop? Here's a hint: act like you would IN ANY OTHER RETAIL ESTABLISHMENT.
Unless you're an asshole in every retail establishment. In which case, just FYI: everyone hates you.
1
34
141
Dunno which sex shop customers are worse: dudes who mansplain all the vibrators to their girlfriends, or the ones who aggressively refuse to help them pick something out because OH GOD SCARY SEX SHOP
8
12
139
I've made it, everyone. I've come full circle.
ALT Jimmyjane reaching out to me via Instagram DMs, clearly not knowing that I have trashed their brand heavily in the past.
20
14
137
The Magic Wand takes a beach vacation 🌴🍹
ALT A Magic Wand Rechargeable propped up against a pillow on a chair, wearing a sun hat and tropical button-up shirt.
3
25
133
I encounter some pretty wild sex toy claims, but wow a company declaring that their lube "fights feelings of anxiety and depression and inspires joy" because it's vanilla-scented... is QUITE a stretch
9
1
136
BREAKING NEWS: I've decided on my blog's new color palette!!!! 🎨 How much do you love it?!
ALT Five colors: black, teal, turquoise, neon yellow (with a hint of green), and tangerine.
16
138
I am SO OVER "empowering" "women-owned" online sex shops that peddle shitty generic white-label sex toys with fake reviews. You found a stock image of some suggestively-shaped mandarin oranges or a group of white women laughing together? Yeah, you and 500 others. Try again.
6
15
135
My new dentist, cleaning my teeth: "so you're off work today?"
"Mostly... I'm working a class tonight though."
"Oh, what's it about?"
[knowing it's a blowjob class] "I... uh..."
5
6
133
Here's the thing: if you can't ask a sex shop employee "are you hiring?" without giggling, you're... not qualified to work there.
6
15
134
....my website is a sex blog. So yes, I needed my graphic designer and web developer to be open-minded — rather than squeamish or puritanical — about sex.
For the record, I would never offer my services to someone who demands certain political viewpoints.
In what circumstance would "being sex-positive" have any positive influence between using a class or hard-coding a <div>?
7
11
126
Another vibrator just died on me mid-masturbation. So many lately. Unbelievable. Don't these sex toys know who I am???????
10
9
129
I perverted an automatic soap dispenser into an AUTOMATIC LUBE DISPENSER and it kinda revolutionized my sex life bit.ly/22Z1UQC
7
40
121
I got colored masking tape to label sex toy chargers 😍
ALT A tower of 10 different colored masking tape rolls, next to a glass of wine.
10
2
129
😻 THIS IS IT! The last mini giveaway in my #dildocarnival! 😻 Here at the petting zoo, you can win a $125 gift card to @SheVibe!
TO ENTER:
🐈 Follow me
🐈️ Like & RT
🐈️ Comment w/ a caption for this photo (my fave will win!)
Ends 11/9. More: piph.it/dildocarnival
103
78
130
My musician partner just told me he has a spectrum analyzer app that can tell me the frequency a sex toy is vibrating at. WHY HAS HE BEEN HIDING THIS IMPORTANT INFO
9
4
119
The concept of healthcare needing to be "medically necessary" is so fucked. Like, I'm sorry I want a routine STI test or want to manage my anxiety before it eats me alive!!!
4
22
125