Creative Director and Head of Copy @wellmark_health. Non-practising doctor. Author of Delusions of Brandeur. Contributor to Eat Your Greens.
Australia
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IT’S HERE, JUST (not) IN TIME FOR CHRISTMAS!
You can now order my book, beautifully designed by the team at @Gasp_4.
UK: amazon.co.uk/Delusions-Brand…
US: amazon.com/Delusions-Brandeu…
Aus: amazon.com.au/Delusions-Bran…
And searchable on other Amazon international sites (I think).
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Coming soon to your agency...
"We want to do a stunt that gets the whole world talking, like the Tesla in space thing.
Budget is 5K."
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A simple guide to social media...
Facebook: Arguing with friends
Twitter: Arguing with strangers
LinkedIn: Arguing with self-proclaimed thought leaders and semi-literate entrepreneurs
Instagram: Arguing with your own insecurities
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I've researched this for many years now, and I assure you that these are immutable.
The laws of modern marketing.
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“Boss, we need to do that ad for the highway billboard.”
“Just use the copy from the banner ad.”
“But boss... “
“Banner. Ad.”
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I just posted this on LinkedIn. It’s basically an amalgam of all the self-aggrandising LinkedIn posts I’ve ever seen.
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It’s been quite a year, but we can surely learn from it.
So here are my marketing lessons from 2020.
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I honestly had no idea there were this many companies that are here for me at this difficult time.
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"We want the copy to say that it's powerful."
"OK."
"But in a genuine way."
*under breath* "This is why they pay me the big bucks."
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Can you believe it's that time of year already?
Here are my marketing predictions for 2019.
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OK, I couldn’t resist.
Here are the types of advertising article.
(And the original version of the meme is here: xkcd.com/2456/)
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You may recall that the 10 year-old daughter of our Account Director recently took it upon herself to redesign our logo.
To honour her glittertastic creativity, we've developed a set of brand guidelines based on her design. Here are a few excerpts.
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At the risk of raising the ire of pretty much everyone here, these are my heretical marketing ideas for 2021.
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I was just given this heartwarming note by a kid on the train.
Children are so wise. Please RT.
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Tech people, marketing people, ad people: I think you need to hear this.
Most of you can’t understand this problem, let alone solve it.
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I’m going to say it again, and honestly I think it’s a little bit weird if you think otherwise.
Marketers should have some kind of marketing training.
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Twitter friends, prepare for some shameless plugging.
I’ve got a book coming out soon, designed by the bloody brilliant @Giles_Edwards and his team at @Gasp_4.
Here’s a taste.
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Cannes is just around the corner, so I’ve developed a handy Cannes quote generator.
I suspect it’s going to be used a lot.
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I will never cease to be amazed at the number of people who think marketing amounts to ‘doing cool stuff on social media’.
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I’ve decided I’m going to start tweeting like a thought leader, so here goes.
Marketing is about informing creation, not creating information.
Am I doing this right?
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This might sound crazy but hear me out. I’m starting to think that people in advertising may not be representative of the general population.
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My friend just explained how "agile" works at her company.
Several squads are divided into tribes, which work in chapters on sprints according to certain rituals. These all roll out upwards to a theme.
I hope that's cleared it up for you.
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This CMO in Cannes has clearly used my CMO quote generator AND my Cannes quote generator.
I demand royalties.
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Forget MilleXZials, or whatever generation it is that we're obsessed with now.
Meet Generation Human, also known as Gen H.
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In case you need a lighter (marketing-related) take on the current situation...
How to build your brand during a pandemic.
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My colleagues and I have just come up with an idea for a new awards show.
Introducing: Trash Cannes.
The first awards show to recognise work that could have been good but deserves to be binned after eight rounds of changes.
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Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should've been you
Me: Well, I mean, it was
Dad: Not asking for a copywriter to help, are they?
Me: Didn’t you die 2 years ago?
Dad: Go and see if “we need a stronger call-to-action” helps
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So just to recap...
It wasn’t an ad.
It sold a lie.
Nobody remembers who it was for.
But it won every advertising award.
Imagine that, they're still full of shit.
The Company Behind Fearless Girl Has Voted Against Several Gender Pay Equity Resolutions, New Study Reveals
adweek.com/brand-marketing/t…
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“How’s the copy for that ad going, Jimmy?”
“Er, I just used what you gave me, boss.”
“FFS Jimmy, how many times do we have to go through this? That was just the brief.”
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If you don’t come out of this quarantine with a broken relationship, substance abuse problem or mental illness, you’ve done pretty fucking well, I’d say.
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There’s a classic medical joke about a group of doctors who go duck hunting.
Well, apropos of nothing, I decided to do a version about a group of people from a creative agency.
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“Hey Jimmy, we need a title for that new SEO role.”
“Er, what about Master of SEO?’
“Nah, too pedestrian.”
“Commander of SEO?”
“That’s getting closer.”
“Wait, I’ve got it...”
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If Bezos can make $13 billion in one day, you can probably raise your copywriting rate by $50 without feeling guilty.
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Facebook metrics. Influencers. Hubspot. Brand purpose. Ad tech. Martech. Millennials. Centennials. GenZennials.
I get the sense that we will look back on this as the golden age of bullshit.
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We don’t have any budget for this job but we’ll have plenty of work for you in the future.
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When the original idea is pretty good but the client keeps making changes until eventually you just can’t help but laugh.
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What people on Twitter describe as marketing is hilariously different from what marketing is.
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“Move those girders.”
“But the bridge will collapse.”
“Just do it.”
*bridge collapses*
👆If engineering was like copywriting.
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Strategist telling the creative team to “consider other directions” the night before the pitch.
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Some people, in every generation, will choose brands for ethical reasons. Most won’t.
I just saved you from reading thousands of articles. You’re welcome.
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I try not to post this sort of stuff too often but, well, I’m going to.
Our little agency just won a pitch to work on our first-ever global campaign (for a European client).
So I guess this means we’re an international agency now?
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TV show idea: Logo Cops.
A documentary-style program that follows marketing managers as they go around busting agencies for slightly misusing their brand assets.
Musical intro: Ad boys, ad boys, whatchoo going to do, whatchoo going to do when they come for you?
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Agency briefs for the next few months...
“We need a new campaign.”
“NFTs.”
“Huh?”
“NFTs.”
“Our consumers won’t even know what those are.”
“NFTs.”
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Building a brand is like building a house. You need a plan.
So here are my instructions for building a modern brand.
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I’ve decided to start an agency that moves at the speed of culture.
Does anyone know if this has been done before?
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You’ll never need to read another consumer survey from a consulting firm. This is what they all say.
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3-year, international, multicentre study of a new drug in a peer-reviewed publication: 8 pages.
Strategy deck for an ad campaign: 150 slides.
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