I am not a journalist. I do not write for the Daily Mail. I do not think coffee gives you cancer. I think immigration makes the world interesting. Now retired.
Bermuda
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FAREWELL: Well, it's time to say goodbye. I'd like to thank my predecessor for entrusting this to me, and I'd like to thank all of you for enjoying my posts over the last three years. Remember, in a world where you can be anything, be kind.
And also, fuck the Daily Mail.
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LADY HALE: Graduated top of her class with a 1st in Law from Cambridge. Professor of Law at Manchester. First woman to be appointed to the Law Commission. Only the second woman to be appointed to the Court of Appeal. President of the Supreme Court.
THE DAILY MAIL: âEx-barmaid.â
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THUS: The only thing Mail readers hate more than a Muslim not integrating into British culture is a Muslim integrating into British culture.
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BREAKING: Stupid man calls stupid woman stupid as stupid country drives itself off a stupid fucking cliff.
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HAPPY NEW YEAR: While people were out having fun last night we took as many upskirt photos of drunk women as we could, then published 88 of the worst so our readers could call them names anonymously.
Donât like it? Tough. Weâre the British press and we do what we want. Fuck you.
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HILARIOUS: A 16yr old refugee has drowned in the English Channel. Here are Daily Mail readers having a good laugh about it, calling for more and posting memes celebrating his death on their Facebook page.
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YOUR COMMENTS: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
#280characters
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BREAKING: We take photos up a woman's skirt, call it news and blame her for letting us do it.
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BREAKING: We fucking hate women and will happily slag them off for doing things we praise men for.
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THE MAIL:
âŞď¸Registered in Bermuda
âŞď¸Owned by tax avoiding non-dom
âŞď¸Editor paid 10x PMs salary
âŞď¸Owns 20% stake in ITN
âŞď¸Employs Chris Evans
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NATURE: Daily Mail readers have just found out about sequential hermaphroditism in fish and now think itâs part of the BBC political agenda.
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OFF-TOPIC: Sex offender and a half naked woman on the front page. At what point do we acknowledge our press are part of the problem?
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COVIDIOTS: The Daily Mail giving a date which doesnât exist as one of the dates for the lockdown easing is the most Daily Mail thing ever.
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PROPAGANDA: When a newspaper crops out a veteran on Remembrance Sunday so they can accuse an opponent of disrespectâŚ
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COMPARE AND CONTRAST: How the Daily Mail reports on the same house building policy, depending on if itâs a Labour idea or a Conservative idea
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EPILOGUE: This Friday marks a decade since I started the DMReporter. Itâs been a damned pleasure writing for you all over these 10yrs, but constant exposure to the Daily Mail is hazardous for your health so, Iâm sad to say, this week will be my last.
I just canât do it anymore.
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NORMALISED: Not convinced the Mail is a Nazi rag? Here are dozens of readers praising Hitler and getting upvoted.
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TACTICS: The Mail reports on a bloke at #Glastonbury wearing a âI â¤ď¸ Brexitâ t-shirt not getting the abuse he expected. The bloke âwished to stay anonymousâ according to the article.
Except. Itâs the Mail journo himself. The same journo who wrote the article.
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REAL WORLD: Iâm receiving reports that British Airways have informed their staff that theyâll be dropping the free copies of the Daily Mail from all routes on December 23rd. Thatâs a circulation drop of around 7000 copies âsoldâ a day.
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BREAKING: Paul Dacre to step down as Editor of the Daily Mail in November. âHeâs looking forward to spending more time racially abusing immigrants and lusting over the shapely assets of underage girls from the comfort of his EU funded Scottish estateâ said a spokesman.
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TWITTER: I've just updated my header image with my favourite ever Mail comment. This is it, if you're curious...
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WHA� The Mail does a horrendous, desperately irresponsible hit piece on Michel Barnier, literally blaming the EU negotiator for infecting Boris Johnson with #COVID19.
And something weird happened⌠the comments⌠I donât know what is happening anymoreâŚ
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TOMORROW: Just a reminder that the Daily Mail (and their copycat friends) are literally nothing more than the propaganda wing of the Tory Party, happily serving up piles of steaming bullshit messaging straight from central command.
#TomorrowsPapersToday
#MailFrontPages
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BREAKING: President Trump uses Twitter to threaten Iran, a country that banned Twitter in 2009.
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TV: Piers Morgan slams Rita Ora for breaking lockdown rules. Daily Mail readers agree wholeheartedly.
Piers Morgan also slams Laurence Fox for breaking lockdown rules. Daily Mail readers tell him to shut his mouth and leave poor Laurence alone
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SPORT: Congratulations to Serena Williams who is set to play the Wimbledon final despite the handicap of being dead.
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BREXIT IN A NUTSHELL: Daily Mail journalist mocks woman for believing an anti-EU myth she herself helped spread.
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RUSSELL BRAND: Someone tell the Mail that "he has Elon Musk and Andrew Tate on his side" isn't the defence they think it is.
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LOOK: At some point weâre going to have to address the embedded racism that exists among a large percentage of the Daily Mail readership. Case in point; here they are triggered into fury over the suggestion that a black woman could get a job without political correctness.
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BLESS: The Mail has included @DaftLimmyâs tweet about Freddie Star in their coverage of his death. Never let it be said they donât do their research.
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BREAKING: Downing Street have announced that Carrie Johnson has given birth to triplets, adopted another cute dog and a dead cat.
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DAN WOOTTON: There we have it folks... if Jamaica leaves the Commonwealth then it's entirely Meghan Markle's fault!
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BOAT PEOPLE: The sheer fucking irony of the Daily Mail sympathetically reporting on people desperately trying to get to Britain from France using any means necessary.
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BREAKING: Cunt boss of cunt company canât get enough cheap labour for her cunt clients so she runs to the cunt press to call them lazy cunts. Cunt press prints cunt opinion as cunt fact because they want their cunt readers to buy their cunt papers again. Boom! Every cunt wins.
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BREXIT:
⢠The Farage family take German passports
⢠Nigel Lawson seeks French residency
⢠Jacob Rees-Mogg advises clients to invest abroad
⢠So does John Redwood
⢠Do does Lord Ashcroft
⢠Daily Mail parent company consider moving to Ireland.
Sorry, did you want a joke?
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2019: New Zealand celebrating New Years âearlyâ is provoking a lot of confused reactions among Mail readers. Iâd like to think *some* of them are joking, but you can never be sureâŚ
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LABOUR: If they're this angry about Angela Rayner taking out a ÂŁ5,600 loan for an operation, wait until they hear how much Tory donor money Boris Johnson spent doing up his flat.
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DAN WOOTTON AGAIN: So if his recent article is to be believed, Dan Wootton knew that Phillip Schofield had an inappropriate extra-marital relationship yet still extended heartfelt congratulations when he came out.
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BREAKING: UK terrorism threat level raised to SEVERE - Meaning terrorists can no longer meet indoors but can still gather in groups of up to 6 outdoors.
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LOCKDOWN: Boris Johnsonâs bumbling chickenfuck of a #DailyBriefings was so bad heâs managed to lose the support of Daily Mail readers.
Imagine being so inept you lose the Daily Mail; theyâre the trained seals of Conservative voters. Just how shit do you have to be? #SackCummings
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FUN FACT: Facebook have removed my post about the Daily Mail upskirting drunk women on New Years Eve for violating community standards. The Mailâs original story remains, however.
Make of that what you will.
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SNOWFLAKES: Itâs all the Guardianâs fault⌠sob⌠stop saying mean things about us⌠sob⌠donât make us accountable for our actions⌠sobâŚ
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FRONT COVER: Prince Andrew accused of sexual abuse = 4 pages.
Harry and Meghan give interview = 25 pages.
Just saying.
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FACTS SCHMACTS: Iâd like to introduce you to @_MarwanMuhammadâs wonderful takedown of the Mailâs pernicious, error-strewn, race-obsessed disinformation efforts.
While their amateurism is laughable, thousands of their readers will believe them and let it inform their worldviewâŚ
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PAEDOS: The Mail prints 25 long lens bikini shots of a 15yr old "outshining her mum." They should be on a register.
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BRIDESMAIDGATE: See, personally I'm reading this as Kate refusing to see the tailor Meghan had on hand and instead demanding all the bridesmaid dresses be remade instead.
But hey, the Mail says that Meghan 'snapped' at and replied 'sharply' (by text) so I guess it's Meg's fault?
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WELL, THIS IS EMBARRASSING: âWe donât care about you, Meghan and Harryâ proclaims Sarah Vine, seemingly unaware of what happens if you search for âMeghanâ on the Daily Mail website and limit that search to the past weekâŚ
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#PANAMAPAPERS: Just in case you weren't sure why the Daily Mail has suddenly turned on David Cameron, this is why...
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YOUR COMMENTS: Mail readers wistfully long for a UK controlled by Nazis because it would mean less immigrants.
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COMMENT OF THE DAY: â@GaryLineker should be arrested for not tweeting more positively about Brexit.â
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SUSSEX SQUAD: Royal Expert who made money lying about Harry and Meghan complains about being exposed as lying about Harry and Meghan.
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BREAKING: As it's revealed Boris Johnson is permanently broke and needs to earn twice his salary to keep his head above water, NHS staff suggest arranging some sort of clap.
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LESSON LEARNED: The heartwarming story of a celebrity daughter who failed to get into uni, used her famous surname to walk into a job normally unobtainable without qualifications, and then used that job to shit on the achievements of her peers.
Boom! Journalism career!
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PROTEST TOO MUCH?: That sound you hear? Itâs the wailing of hundreds of â100% heterosexualâ Mail readers whoâve just been told theyâve got a little gay in themâŚ
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Dear terrorists
Need a little help spreading fear once youâve been shot dead by security services? Let us help.
Sincerely,
The UK Press
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ROYAL BITCH (A THREAD): Shall we take a quick stroll through the gardens of the Daily Mail to see what utterly abhorrent things Meghan Markle has done to earn their bile this week? I warn you now, sheâs a pretty evil human being.
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TOMORROW: Brexit negotiations not going well? Donât worry, weâll find a photo which has no bearing on anything other than to get you angry.
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DENOUEMENT: Well, everyone, after ten long years writing as the DMReporter, its time to say goodbye. Itâs a kindness. Like a blind old incontinent sheepdog, thatâs had his day. Take him out to the barn with a double-barreled shot-gun and blow the mother away.
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ANGELA LEVIN: Angela, the OFFICIAL ROYAL BIOGRAPHER FOR CAMILLA, QUEEN CONSORT quotes an obvious parody excerpt from Spare thinking it's real without doing any checking.
Still, at least we know now she hasn't actually read the book she's spending all her time criticising.
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THERESA MAY:
"Remain. No. Wait. Leave."
"No election. No. Wait. Election."
"Care costs. No. Wait. Costs cap."
"Strong and stable. No. Wait."
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COMMENT OF THE DAY: Good question. Why donât American rock band The Killers sing a rap song about the positive benefits of a global trade deal after Brexit? #Glastonbury
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BREAKING: David Davis resigns as Brexit secretary to spend more time being a lying, incompetent, duplicitous, self-serving, opportunistic, ill-prepared, fuckwitted shitweasel âwith his family.â
Details to follow.
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STOP THE FUCKING PRESSES: Weâve found the ultimate piece of news, everyone. You can go home now. The search is off. Shut down the papers. Weâre done.
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PRESS: Lego withdraws advertising from the Daily Mail over #StopFundingHate campaign. Tomorrow's front page...
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YOU LOVE TO SEE IT: Jeff Bezos won't get his astronaut wings because his employees did all the hard work for him...AGAIN.
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RESPONSE: On a UK keyboard you have to hold down 4 keys to get a âÂżâ. Curious that so many Mail commenters use it.
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UPDATE: Carrie Fisher âfighting for her lifeâ, which is an excellent time for us to character assassinate her.
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STANDARDS: Isn't this interesting...
100 complaints against a BBC presenter for a joke = "Anger"
41,000 complaints against Piers Morgan for stating he didn't believe a pregnant woman was really having mental health issues = "Cancel Culture"
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APRIL FOOLS DAY: One of our articles today contains false or misleading information.
Hahaha. Just kidding. Itâs fucking all of them.
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BLESS: You have to feel sorry for Harry Cole; he went to all this effort - he speculated, conjectured, did interviews, invented values and still couldnât even convince Mail readers that Kier Starmer is a wealthy hypocrite because his parents owned a field for donkeysâŚ
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UH OH: Mail readers just found out they descended from Africans, and they're not happy about it.
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AMAZING: In which the Daily Mail claims Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn is retiring because of her âbroken bodyâ based on x-ray pictures of her dogsâŚ
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TOMORROW: Since when do we get all friendly and call alleged sex traffickers by their first name like theyâre soap stars or royaltyâŚ? Sheâs not our friend, who would possibly be friendly with #GhislaineMaxwell?
#TomorrowsPapersToday
#MailFrontPages
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MEANWHILE, IN IRONY NEWS: Iâve been blocked from posting on Facebook because apparently calling for the deaths of refugees on the Daily Mailâs page is acceptable, but pointing them out goes against Community Standards... đ
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HEADLINE: Fury as some children look older than they are.
SUB: We celebrate a child for looking older than she is.
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LOL:HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
*breathes* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
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GRIFTER: Dan Wootton (multi-millionaire) needs your help. Fund his legal battle against the Byline Times so he can keep doing what he's best at... bullying, harassing, and just being an absolutely terrible human being.
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TODAY: Paul Dacre; tired, alone, his knighthood gone, his paper a joke, his influence in its death throes, lashes out at an imagined enemyâŚ
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ANTI-SOCIAL: And thatâs not the only pro-violence against refugees post up there today. Compare and contrast the moderated comments on their website about the assault on a freshly-landed migrant versus the free-for-all glee on Facebook.
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COMPARE AND CONTRAST: How the Mail reported Trump's win vs How the Mail reported Biden's win.
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REAL HERO: Hacker of phones Piers Morgan finally turns on the real villain in this story, a traumatised 23yr old.
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SCUM: Royal author and self-proclaimed 'expert' Tom Bower, who is often quoted by the Mail in their campaign against the Duchess of Sussex, admitted on Good Morning Britain today that "It's Meghan I'm after".
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BON ANNIVERSAIRE: Well, itâs been 8yrs since I started this account, which is a hell of a lot of hate, propaganda, Hitler appreciation and poor spelling weâve gone through together. Thank you to all my followers, I love you all.
Hereâs to a meteor destroying the world.
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TODAY: We change our mind on controlling energy prices because itâs now the correct political party proposing it.
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