Follow us for all the hottest Counter-Strike leaks, news, and insider info you NEED to know! (satire) @Leeky_Luke linktr.ee/csleeks
The Trenches
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BREAKING: Virtus Pro "enhanced training" regiment leaked:
8am - Group masturbation
9am - Group masturbation
10am - Group masturbation
11am - Group masturbation
12pm - Group masturbation
1pm - Group masturbation
2pm - Group masturbation
3pm - Group masturbation
4pm - Group masturbation
5pm - Group masturbation
6pm - Deathmatch
7pm - Scrimmage
8pm - Scrimmage
9pm - Group masturbation
10pm - Review demo
11pm - Solo masturbation
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BREAKING: Valve grant the second major of 2022 to Brazilian streamer Gaules - Tournament to be hosted in his backyard
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REPORT: B1ad3 sends drunk Steam message to sdy:
“sdyyyy.”
“i miss youuu.”
“sdyyyyyyyyyyy.”
“please come bacj im soorryy.”
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REPORT: Interview with RUSH reveals further turmoil in EG
“For the past 4 months, Stewie’s been acting like he’s in Valorant and it’s making practice difficult. He’ll say things like “Drop me a vandal”, and “these kids are literally braindead.”
Details ⬇️
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BREAKING: npl changes his name to “Some of our players”
s1mple: "Some of our players were too scared to play against such a good team like Heroic" hltv.org/news/35588/s1mple-s…
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Shroud on CS2: “This is the worst game I’ve played in my entire life. I’ve taken shits that look better than these new graphics. It’s 100% unplayable and it’s never going to get better.”
“Matter of fact, I never liked CSGO. Everyone says I was bad but I wasn’t even trying… if I tried s1mple would have had competition.”
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REPORT: NAVI in advanced talks with Hiko to replace Boombl4
Per sources, s1mple requested that NAVI sign his former Team Liquid teammate, despite Hiko being inactive in Counter-Strike since March, 2019
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arT: “FalleN told us, ‘If you love Brazil, you will win this Major.’”
“I said, ‘Well if that’s true why couldn’t you win the Major?’”
“He replied, ‘I’ve already won the Major twice. I have twice the amount of love for Brazil than you do. Never question me again. I am FalleN.’”
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BREAKING: ropz develops eye infection after sleeping on a pillow that broky reportedly farted on several times without ropz’s knowledge
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BREAKING: k0nfig forced to play with British people as punishment for his poor behavior
Back in the server!
@k0nfig will be standing in for @TeamEndpoint in their Ro16 matchup against Illuminar in European Development Championship 6
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BREAKING: Kjaerbye steps down from Endpoint roster after having to listen to British people talk for 3 consecutive hours
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REPORT: Aleksib in talks with barber to get haircut
“NiKo had left his phone out and I noticed a text about me that said my style isn’t working and I need to be cut.”
“I had no idea my hairstyle had been bothering the team so I scheduled a haircut with my barber right away.”
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sdy: “After we lost Ancient I put my hand on s1mple’s back to comfort him and he was physically shaking. I’ve never seen him so thrown off by a crowd.”
“He wanted the crowd to love him but they booed us and cheered at our every mistake. The death threats also didn’t help.”
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BREAKING: BIG Clan attempted to fake 5 positive COVID tests in order to play IEM Cologne online
Details ⬇️
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BREAKING: Jame exposed by teammates after not getting Qikert a gift for team-wide “Secret Santa” gift exchange
The team said Jame was claiming to be “saving for a stronger buy next year,” and that it was “better for the team economy.”
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BREAKING: Device reveals the reason for his extended absence from Counter-Strike:
“I’ve been playing the 24 year-old version of Tom Cruise in his upcoming movie. I’m glad I can finally talk about this and share my excitement about this amazing project.”
Details ⬇️
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BREAKING: Device launches GoFundMe to prevent his contract from being sold to EG.
“I’m going to have to buy my freedom.”
Details ⬇️
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BREAKING: Karrigan comments on being eliminated from the IEM Rio Major by massive underdog Bad News Eagles
“Fuck.”
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BREAKING: Jame reveals his gameday warmup routine🏆
•Deathmatch (30 min)
•Theory craft (30 min)
•Masturbate (3 min)
•Demo review (45 min)
•Scrimmage (1 hr)
•Masturbate (3 min)
•Team talk/Anti-stratting (1 hr)
•Masturbate (4 min)
•Ignore wife (8 hrs)
•Masturbate (5 min)
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BREAKING: Stewie2k (popular streamer) smashes his monitor after getting re-ranked to Silver Elite
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BREAKING: Brollan shits his pants at beginning of third map versus Outsiders
“I thought it was a fart.”
The disastrous dookie cost Brollan his focus and resulted in a poor performance which ultimately lost NIP the series
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npl on his standout RMR performance:
“My confidence went up once my teammates started making eye contact with me.”
“They even let me eat dinner with them a few times.”
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BREAKING: Smooya wins teamless bozo equivalent of a Major final after beating Team France in BLAST Major showmatch
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BREAKING: N0rb3r7 completes world record speedrun of CS:GO Career%, joining his first tier 1 team on May 31, winning the very next major on November 13th, and being benched on January 8th.
Total time: 7 months, 9 days
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BREAKING: Twitch streamer and philanthropist ohnePixel gives away hundreds of CSGO Source 2 beta keys, claims to still have enough keys for the first 1000 people to send him a nice DM
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REPORT: Evil Geniuses in talks with Indian talent “foreskin” who is said to have a 97.6% clutch rate.
He reportedly will accept a minimal salary as long as nobody touches his PC or tries to open a file named “powerpoint.exe”
Details ⬇️
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BREAKING: G2 part ways with HooXi - Plan to play the rest of BLAST 4v5
“We don’t think we’ll notice we’re down a player, it’s already felt like we’ve been playing 4v5.”
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REPORT: s1mple transitioning to Counter-Strike Global Offensive streamer, plans to play matches offline against hard difficulty bots
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We asked Jame about his Overpass clutch:
“I felt the hand of God touch my shoulder and he spoke to me. He told me, ‘Go my son, clutch this 1v3.’ So I pushed into the site and let the Holy Spirit guide me.”
“There was no need for ‘Jame time,’ God told me that I’d survive.”
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BREAKING: Leaked screenshots reveal that even Grayhound picked themselves to go 0-3 in their Pick’Ems
aliStair commented, “We’re not gonna leave with the Major trophy but we still have a shot at the Diamond coin and that’s something to strive for.”
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BREAKING: Jame reportedly was a virgin as he was “saving” himself for marriage.
After a beautiful wedding ceremony, he stopped saving and instead played entry for many rounds in a row.
Congratulations @JAMEPAIN 🎉🍾
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BREAKING: HEROIC celebrate final CSGO Major by choosing to honor tradition of losing important games
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BREAKING: CSGO official Twitter account hints at partnership with Five Guys Burgers and Fries
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acoR on crushing G2’s chance at Rio: “It wasn’t as hard as we expected.”
“We realized after map one that the “gigachad” meme had given HooXi irrational confidence, so we countered it by spamming “Virgin HooXi” in the chat after every round we won. We destroyed his confidence.”
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REPORT: Astralis temporarily remove stavn and jabbi amid Team Falcons interest
Astralis said in a statement, "After the RMR, stavn and jabbi initiated a push to replace blameF, which came unexpectedly to both blameF and Astralis's management team."
"The same day we decided to bench blameF from the starting lineup, stavn and jabbi communicated having made future plans with Falcons."
"We are open to discussing transfers to organizations with a professional approach and an understanding of our players’ market value."
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REPORT: Former G2 CEO Carlos Rodriguez targeted as new Head of Esports at Team Falcons
A Saudi representative called Rodriguez a great “cultural fit” for the organization.
Carlos refused to confirm the validity of the report but unpromptedly commented, “Women should be allowed to drive,” while winking sarcastically.
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REPORT: Device to miss Elisa Masters Espoo 2022 citing competitive burnout, takes mental health break
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REPORT: Source 2 edition of Counter Strike to be Steam Deck exclusive, will feature 128 tick servers and revamped matchmaking
The new mobile edition will be titled “CSGO:GO”
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REPORT: Counter-Strike Twitter manager receiving sexual gratification from denying people access to CS2 Beta
One user stated he’d “do anything to play CS2 for even 10 minutes.”
In a disturbing reply, the CS Twitter manager asked, “Anything?” while smirking deviously.
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BREAKING: s1mple voted most charitable CSGO player of the year after giving Heroic the opportunity to win up to $400,000
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INTERVIEW: Heartbreaking new info revealed by Boombl4 on the current state of his divorce proceedings
“She even took half of my CS:GO inventory, I lost some of my favorite skins”
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BREAKING: Valve release new 'Surrender' option for teams participating in the BLAST Paris Major
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BREAKING: broky in the midst of pregnancy, FaZe Clan confirms
broky addressed fans:
“You wanted answers as to why we underperformed in the RMR and well frankly, I’m pregnant and I don’t know who the father is.”
The child will be named “Intel Grand Slam” to commemorate FaZe’s recent accomplishment.
broky continued:
“What happens in Malta stays in Malta. Don’t think about it too much.”
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Degster: “When people make jokes about me I take it personally.”
“My friend kept saying that I get no women. He had no clue I had date plans with his mother for that very evening.”
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BREAKING: refrezh reaches the lowest point of his entire pro career
refrezh reportedly reaches verbal agreement with @EGCSGO
dust2.us/news/34611/refrezh-…
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REPORT: G2 relieved to learn upset loss to ENCE being massively overshadowed by Counter-Strike 2 news
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REPORT: Apex predator James Banks on the prowl for next interview victim; plans to single out weakest member of the pack to ask them how the previous map went
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jks: “NiKo is leading so HooXi can work on his individual performance.”
“It’s been difficult letting NiKo lead. He often forgets to call a strat and just walks into a site and kills 2 people. At that point we just assume we’re gonna take that site and it mostly works out.”
⬇️
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REPORT: m0nesy spends most nights alone watching cartoons while NiKo and the rest of G2 party - Has a mandatory bedtime of 10pm
“Sometimes I feel left out.”
Details ⬇️
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We made a list of CSGO's most ICONIC duos
A thread 🧵
Reply with your favorite duo or any duos we missed!
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m0NESY: “If I win a Major it won’t be with this roster.”
“I think the flaws we have in the team will keep holding us back if we don’t fix them soon. I don’t want to say too much but I’ll say this-”
“Naive individuals Kill opportunities.”
m0NESY refused to elaborate further.
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Farlig: “Astralis still need me for officials but they’ve been practicing with device for weeks now”
“The rare times I do get to practice with the team, device sits right behind me and silently stares at me. I’m not sure what he’s trying to accomplish but it’s uncomfortable.”
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REPORT: James Banks being called “James Breaks” by players after constantly breaking into player buses and private areas for interviews
s1mple filed a restraining order, saying, "I can't go anywhere without him following me with a microphone: on the bus, at breakfast, in bed, in the shower."
“I can’t even get five minutes to myself.”
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BREAKING: Stewie2K mistakenly wanders back toward Counter-Strike, compassionate Counter-Strike community guide him back to Valorant where he belongs
Stewie2K announces free agency: "Being away from CS doesn't mean I closed the doors" hltv.org/news/35868/stewie2k…
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YEKINDAR: “In an alternate timeline, I wouldn’t have been Jame’s teammate. Instead, there’s a chance Jame would be doing his pregame masturbation to a video I was in.”
YEKINDAR on childhood dream job: I wanted to be a pornstar dust2.us/news/34651/yekindar…
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BREAKING: S1mple to take break from competition
•
•
•
•
Along with the rest of professional Counter-Strike as the official player break has now begun!
Enjoy the well earned break everyone!
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REPORT: Device considering doing his job at some point in the future
casle on device's return: "We have to see when. Early 2023, I hope" hltv.org/news/35100/casle-on…
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BREAKING: NiKo behind bars facing international terrorism charges after bombing multiple CS:GO Majors
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REPORT: FaZe doing charity auction of karrigan’s “confetti,” which turned out to be a Twix wrapper he found in his pocket
The proceeds will be donated to a charity called “FaZe Clan operating funds.”
The candy wrapper originally included half of a stale melting Twix bar, but karrigan swiftly ate it upon finding it.
rain commented:
“I couldn’t believe it when he made his speech about the ‘confetti’, like dude I literally saw you eat that old ass candy bar 2 minutes ago. You’re not fooling anyone.”
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BREAKING: Cloud9 overperform in borderline meaningless group stage match, ruin G2 winning streak for the rest of us
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REPORT: Astralis extend contract with Xyp9x by additional year after attaining a positive K/D for two maps in a row
The veteran player will now hold a place on the Astralis roster until 2026.
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kennyS on regaining motivation for pro-level CS: "I realized that if AWPers like Jame and cadiaN can make Major finals, then my career must be far from over."
“I’ve been practicing flick shots for the past 3 weeks and nothing else. ZywOo and s1mple should be afraid.”
⬇️
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REPORT: Team Spirit off to rocky start after major disagreement over which anime girl is best, magixx and sh1ro no longer on speaking terms
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REPORT: Depressed Counter-Strike fan who had Grayhound 0-3 and Cloud9 3-0 trying to figure out how to explain “Pick’Ems” to his therapist and why getting the gold coin is a bad thing
Therapist: “Is this ‘Don Haci’ in the room with us right now?”
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BREAKING: Brehze arrives to BLAST Spring Groups in style with $16,000 ROLEX watch worth more than the prize money he won in 2022
When asked about the watch, Brehze responded “I got 16k max money on my wrist,” before accidentally walking into the women’s restroom.
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REPORT: Snax returning to IEM Dallas for second year in a row with ENCE
“I’m not playing, I’m not coaching, I’m not a substitute. I’m just coming to eat.”
Experts estimate Snax will consume 5000-8000 calories per day while in Texas
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REPORT: Bad News Eagles set to purchase entire TSM organization for $20,000, James Banks to replace Reginald as CEO
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BREAKING: Underutilized B-site anchor guaranteed action for the rest of his life
Congrats @interz!
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XTQZZZ: “HooXi is great, he just needs to work on aim, crosshair placement, movement, spray patterns, positioning, jiggle peeks, entrying, retakes, crouch jumps, pistol rounds, avoiding flashes, winning duels, lurking, calling, map awareness, bomb plant spots, and staying alive.”
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REPORT: Romanian officials uncover evidence implicating Andrew Tate in multimillion dollar CS:GO matchfixing ring
Continue reading ⬇️
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REPORT: siuhy putting Counter-Strike on hold after signing on to play Steve in live-action “Minecraft” movie
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REPORT: Shox asks to leave Team Liquid after nitr0 refers to French people as French “people”, with air quotes
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REPORT: Identity of anonymous Counter-Strike personality “Don Haci” revealed to simply be Launders wearing sunglasses as a disguise
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BREAKING: GamerLegion player Keoz faces community backlash after wearing Jeffrey Dahmer Halloween costume during elimination match versus Cloud9
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BREAKING: Thousands of North American Counter-Strike fans surround the White House, demand that Joe Biden grant YEKINDAR immediate citizenship
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REPORT: blameF feeling the slightest relief after only having to carry three teammates instead of four
“A weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Only a single weight though, the other weights are still there and they’re heavy as shit.”
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REPORT: Guy who bought defuse kit finished New Year’s countdown 5 seconds earlier than everyone else
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BREAKING: Professional Twitter user Jake Lucky confirmed as talent for the BLAST Paris Major
jk guys can you imagine if they actually hired him, what would he even do? 😂😆
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Dexter on the success of MOUZ in Cologne:
"We're finally reaching the level that we would’ve been at 4 months ago if we had kept NBK."
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