𝐇𝐞'𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐚 𝐝𝐫𝐮𝐧𝐤
▪️ "𝐇𝐨𝐰 𝐈 𝐰𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐧𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐥𝐲 𝐝𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐦𝐲𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟 𝐭𝐨 𝐝𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐡, 𝐭𝐨 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧 𝐈 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐝𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐦𝐞𝐝, 𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐥𝐮𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐭𝐡, 𝐟𝐚𝐦𝐢𝐥𝐲, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐦𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐲".
The title of this write up was inspired by a coworker’s wife who said that about me years ago. People don’t often realize that our critics can play a very important role in waking us up. She did me a favor by saying negative things, because they were the truth. We need to hear the truth about ourselves, no matter how negative, in order to know ourselves, so we can fix ourselves.
Many people over the years have asked me to share my story with others because they think it can inspire people through hard times and help them to overcome obstacles. While I’m not entirely sold on this notion, it still may be of use to some. This is a very personal story, and it may surprise some of you in various ways.
This is the condensed version of the roughly 10 years I spent drinking myself to near death, and what I had to go through to rebuild my life, and how I became more than I ever thought I could. Rebuilding a life after addiction is no easy task because almost all doors are partially closed to former addicts in society. This story is missing many details, stories, and experiences, but it paints the picture well enough and is very long already. This is not a story to garner attention, pity, or for clout. I’ve been asked my many to tell it and it has taken me a year of thinking on it to agree to publish. If one person gets something useful out of it, then it’s a success.
I have no idea how to start this story, so I’ll start with when I should have realized my drinking was becoming problematic, which was at the age of 19.
When I was a sophmore in college I look back and see that among my friends I was always the last one awake still drinking, the one who didn't want the party to stop, the one who never missed a party, and the one who simply never knew when to stop. I could still go to class, meet relationship demands, be a good friend, held a part time job, etc. However, when I wasn’t doing any of those things I was drinking with friends and using whatever excuse I could find to go out.
This behavior carried on through a few years of college as I became progressively worse attending class, my grades slipped progressively lower, my relationships with friends eroded, and I had romantic relationship failures due my increasing need to use alcohol. I pissed away a football and wrestling scholarship as well. I know now that many of my friends, and some of the women I dated saw promise in me, but it didn't come close to outweighing my negative attributes. I got in many physical fights, overstayed my welcome with friends, womanized, performed poorly at academics, and was only reliable when I was sober (which was rare). I lost the best friend I've ever had during this period as well.
I was arrested several times for minor in consumption of alcohol, disorderly conduct, DUI, public drunkenness, and passing off bad checks. I was lucky here. I only ever incurred misdemeanors, and I was never arrested for fighting (in which I caused physical injury to others on more than one occasion) or my occasional drug use. These arrests were all spread out through 4 years between the ages of 19 and 22.
After I failed out of 2 colleges and at the age of 23, I tucked tail and went to live back with my parents. This is when things really spiraled out of control. My drinking became much more excessive over the next 5 years until I hit rock bottom.
When I first moved back home, I had great intentions of getting it together. However, it played out much differently. My life became a repetitive cycle of me doing well for a period and then relapsing into alcohol for months on end. I worked a job for 3 to 6 months and then would relapse, then repeat. In this period, I worked construction, at a tire shop, sold used cars, installed satellite TV, worked at a restaurant, and worked as security. I would end up quitting the job and drinking all day every day for months on end. When I say I drank all day, I mean I would drink as soon as I woke up until I passed out at night. I did literally nothing but drink. Alcohol completely controlled every aspect of my life.
My parents were exceptionally worried during this period. They kicked me out several times for my drinking and because I had sold some of their belongings to purchase alcohol. Yes, I stole from my parents to feed my addiction. Disgusting and unforgivable I know, (I did make it up to them tenfold down the road though). I disappeared for months on end without anyone knowing my whereabouts and my family all believed I was likely dead a time or two. I was shaping up to go to prison or for an early death. Fact of the matter is around ten close family members of mine have all dug themselves early graves by way of drugs and alcohol. It’s a family tradition.
In the period that I lived on and off with my parents I was hospitalized numerous times for alcohol poisoning, Hepatitis of the liver (which completely resolved a few years into sobriety), dehydration, malnutrition, withdrawals, etc. There were a few occasions the hospital reported my blood alcohol level at 0.48%. Yes, almost half of the fluid in my veins was alcohol. They said they were surprised I could still speak clearly. I vomited on floors with my ass hanging out of my gown in front of doctors, nurses, you name it. I was so sick I can’t quite believe it myself somedays. Many tried to get me to attend some sort of treatment program, but I always refused. I also had many physicians come and speak to me about how my lifestyle was going to kill me soon if I didn’t stop.
There were at least 10 times I tried to get sober and went through what they call the "withdrawal process". In these times I generally laid in bed for 4 to 7 days at a time and vomited/dry heaved throughout the day so much that it became difficult to swallow, sweat nonstop, had intense nightmares, didn't eat, and was in severe pain throughout my entire body that included me constantly feeling that my brain was on fire.
At this point in time, I was officially a ghost, no one wanted to know me or be around me in any way, shape or form. I had zero friends, zero family that would help me, was living out of my car, and was incredibly deconditioned and sick. This sick cycle I was living went on until I was 29.
It was my mother who primarily came to my rescue. My parents were working class, paycheck to paycheck folks so they didn’t have any money. My mother begged my grandfather for a loan so she and my father could fly to my location to try and bring me home. My mother had never been on an airplane, and she got on one to come and get me in what would be her last attempt to try and get me well. At this point in time, I was living out of my car, had one pair of clothes to my name that were rarely washed, and I had a negative bank account balance.
After being home a month, I began to drink again and was on the verge of getting kicked out.... again, but then something hard to define happened. I woke up a few days after starting this new binge and I had a feeling I've never had before. I can’t quite describe it but within a split second I decided I was done with that life. The conviction I had was unlike any I've had before, and still have never had again. It was an incredible feeling of strength. I have no idea why it happened or what inspired it other than I was so sick of myself it was now or never. So, I went through my last withdrawal and then created a plan to fix my life.
Before I start the second half of this story, I’ll give a note to some of you who maybe face similar issues or are just getting sober. When you first get sober, no one will believe that you'll stay sober, no one will trust you, people will laugh at you, and you will have to face everything you have done. This is 100% the way it should be and will always be. I believe in consequences and that people need to rebuild the things they've torn down.
The initial plan I made was to stay sober, get back in shape, get a job, and to go back to school. After a month of being sober I began running and lifting again. Exercise for me was a drug and I was a multisport award-winning athlete in high school so I knew it would keep be distracted, productive, and partially replace my addiction. I also found a job at a car dealership. This is one of he keys to staying sober. You absolutely must replace the void of addiction. You must find other addictions, healthy ones, because your addictive personality isn’t going anywhere.
I was so far in debt and behind on bills following those years of drinking that during my first month of work at that car dealership, a tow truck came while I was on shift and repossessed my car in front of everyone. Yes, in front of car salesmen at a car dealership. I don't think I've ever been so embarrassed. The manager took pity on me though and let me drive a loaner until I got things figured out. After about 6 months of this routine, I began to want more out of life. I wanted to go back to school, seriously this time.
At this time, I still believed I was way too stupid for anything professional, medical, or otherwise. One day after work I was at a local college inquiring on coming back to school and I ran into two old acquaintances who now were both in nursing school. So, they told me about the competitive nature of the school, what the job entailed, pay, and work schedule. I was immediately intrigued by the idea and went to visit with an advisor.