Sometimes funny. Always hungry.
Alabama, USA
- Tweets 8,351
- Following 1,576
- Followers 58,573
- Likes 5,190
Lane Kiffin is absolutely releasing squirrels on the field instead of faking injuries now and it’s absolutely genius
87
642
11,458
1,759,841
Shout out to everyone who grew up watching the Braves on TBS with your MeeMaw and PawPaw. This one’s for them.
213
1,781
10,747
I don’t believe God has a favorite college football team but I’m beginning to think his least favorite is Florida
163
472
8,162
386,593
Bring back MTV Cribs but only feature SEC coaches. I wanna confirm my suspicions that Mike Leach resides in an abandoned Ruby Tuesday.
70
390
6,106
Roy Moore just picked up a whole bunch of twitter followers. But they ain't from around here, comrade.
283
2,896
4,683
If your family asks you to bring rolls to Thanksgiving, it’s because you can’t cook. If they tell you exactly what brand to buy, it’s because you also can’t be trusted and you’re one screw up from bringing ice next year.
107
550
5,899
We’ve officially reached that time of year in the South where “goodbye” and “see you later” is replaced with “y’all keep an eye on this weather” and it’s “gonna get bad out there”
72
735
5,959
193,384
Auburn basketball fans are like pollen. I didn’t see any a month ago but now they’re everywhere and it’s giving me a headache.
110
1,183
4,775
I’ve read all 225 pages of the tiebreaker rules and if my math is correct, the SEC Championship Game will likely be the Houston Oilers vs the Paraguay men’s rowing team
64
282
4,825
160,211
The polls are now closed in Alabama. Time for some numbers. We can expect Roy Moore to be somewhere near the teens. Oh, and we’ll probably get some election results.
38
988
3,294
Y’all gonna be disappointed when you rush Area 51 and find out Alexander Shunnarah already has a billboard in there.
22
737
3,571
Nobody:
Alabama Emergency Alerts:
⚠️HEY THIS THING HAPPENED 3 COUNTIES OR ROUGHLY 38 DOLLAR GENERALS AWAY FROM YOU THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT JUST WANTED TO SCARE THE BEJESUS OUT OF YOU⚠️
96
356
3,154
Who looks more depressed? Nick Saban because he has to watch this game or Clemson’s mascot because he exists?
60
513
2,980
Kristen Saban told me she knew it was coming but had no idea it was going down today. They’re headed to Disney. I didn’t ask if Nick was going but I like to imagine he is. 10 seconds on It’s a Small World is all he needs to rethink this retirement thing.
21
146
2,696
176,553
BREAKING: UCF fails to win back-to-back national championships but claims they will continue to defend their title in the Super Bowl, Stanley Cup, Tour de France, Miss America, Dancing with the Stars, Quidditch World Cup, and Jumanji.
28
765
2,477
I know Mother Nature is putting the South in the oven this summer. We got seasoned with pollen then stuck right back in the fridge to marinate.
21
566
2,306
167,318
What a game. Incredible finish. That will undoubtedly go down in college football history as VACATED.
54
193
2,301
229,842
White House: I bet firing Scarammuci is the craziest thing in the news today.
Walker County Jail: Hold my peanut butter...
5
563
2,006
Whoever changed the Cracker Barrel logo has gotta be the same person who decided college football should kick off in Europe
36
198
2,256
102,814
This game is going to last 17 hours. No human should ever be subjected to that much Gary Danielson.
62
160
2,069
How important is football in Alabama? There’s been about 9 tornado warnings across the state this afternoon and no one even noticed.
21
688
2,004
So far this week Alabama has had 9 tornadoes, 4 freeze warnings, basketball-sized hail, snow flurries, and 80 degree temperatures. If we get a hurricane before Friday we’ll win weather bingo.
24
920
1,928
Pray for Nick Saban. Not only does he have COVID, he also has to listen to Gary Danielson today.
45
189
1,884
Getting married with a John Deere and a tornado in the background. This is peak Alabama.
18
538
1,852
BREAKING: Auburn extends Gus Malzahn’s contract until 3039 for an additional $768 trillion.
39
477
1,806
A lot of people don’t know this, but a trampoline flying in a thunderstorm is actually the state bird of Alabama.
7
430
1,667
This week’s SEC Roll Call will be delayed as I’m dealing with a family emergency. Thanks for your understanding and support.
100
19
1,760
66,452
Thanks for the kind words after I let y'all know Roll Call would be delayed. We had a short hospital stay to make sure Baby Mitchell and Mama were doing alright, and I’m happy to say that they’re both doing just fine now!
Week 5 of SEC Roll Call will drop tomorrow afternoon.
76
33
1,747
45,526
Someone fell through the roof at the Waffle House in Tuscumbia and just started fighting people and I have so many questions
64
694
1,577
lol I’m gonna watch that double play no less than 700 times tomorrow #AsOneAtl
26
86
1,695
70,013
That winter storm fell so short of everyone’s predictions that Auburn actually offered it a 7-year contract extension.
22
472
1,651
You’re still 50% responsible for Florida Georgia Line so I wouldn’t celebrate too much.
14
275
1,606
Lane Kiffin practiced that popcorn line in front of the mirror this morning. I just know it.
29
219
1,578
We need a country song about a real small town. No more dirt road stuff. Let’s hear about the Pizza Hut that became a tobacco store but now it’s a Mexican restaurant.
60
191
1,494
How to drive on the interstate in Birmingham:
1. Slam on your brakes for no reason
2. Merge like you’ve never driven a car before
3. Never touch your turn signal
4. Close your eyes
5. Arrive at your destination an hour late
39
323
1,462
I’m afraid some of y’all would take medical advice from a Dr Pepper can if it told y’all what you wanted to hear.
20
354
1,403
This month is all about doing the impossible in Alabama.
It snowed here last week.
We elected a democrat this week.
Next week, we will finally learn how to use a turn signal.
18
505
1,397
Upset Ohio State fans should know that the SEC officiating crew does, in fact, hate their team. But to be fair, SEC refs consistently hate all football teams, the rules of football, puppies, kittens, Africa by Toto, Betty White, bacon, and everything that brings you joy.
26
288
1,407
Before any Yankees say something about how we overreact to an inch of snow let me remind you of this:
22
419
1,416
BREAKING: New study reveals majority of Alabamians are not living the “salt life” despite what the sticker on their vehicle says.
25
382
1,350
Every time a Yankee laughs at the South for shutting down because of a snowflake please show them this
16
957
1,357
You’re gonna look at a lot of maps this month but don’t forget about the one proving the South actually knows how to cook
40
195
1,327
104,471
Everyone in Alabama right now:
“They’re saying we don’t have the Coronavirus but my cousin’s wife’s sister’s brother knows Doc McStuffins and she said there are 3,000 cases at UAB.”
27
233
1,277
Waffle House Will saw his shadow and immediately tried to fight it. Six more weeks of probation.
13
212
1,254
84,002
I’m no expert, but I don’t think being 47th in public health and 50th in education is going to make Alabama 1st in disease resistance.
29
288
1,186
People say the Eiffel Tower is the most photographed thing in the world, but those people must not know how Alabamians react to a light dusting of snow.
14
331
1,187
Next time North Korea acts up we should just drop Nick Saban in the middle of Pyongyang and tell him Kim Jong Un has some questions about Bama’s QB situation.
12
461
1,190
This Netflix stream is like a Dollar General. It’s a mess and I’m pretty sure I just saw a bare ass
21
144
1,272
62,012
One billion people in Tuscaloosa and y’all couldn’t stop Gary Danielson from getting in.
15
245
1,179
Country radio tomorrow:
"Wow! How amazing was Sturgill Simpson last night? Anyways, here's Florida Georgia Line for the 300th time today."
8
542
1,137
You’re gonna tell me a World Cup computer can tell if someone is offsides in 10 seconds but it takes SEC refs 30 minutes to determine literally anything. I’m really questioning what the world’s greatest sport is now
29
88
1,167
MeeMaw Ivey said y’all can go to Cracker Barrel now but you probably shouldn’t touch the peg game.
7
280
1,133
BREAKING: Super Bowl canceled after UCF claims first NFL Championship
al.com/opinion/index.ssf/201…
30
567
1,112
Birmingham World Games events:
- Ordering at Nikki’s West for the 1st time
- Merging from 65 South to 20/59 to Red Mtn Expressway
- Sending Vulcan sunset pics to James Spann
- Finding parking at UAB
- Saying we could’ve been bigger than Atlanta if we got that Delta hub
30
126
1,082
If we can get Chick-fil-A to direct traffic I don’t think we’ll even need the government anymore.
Domino's is no longer just selling pizzas. It's partnering with up to 20 towns and cities in the U.S. to fix potholes. cnb.cx/2JAdvGv
11
336
1,069
Ok, Northerners, stop criticizing how we handle snow and ice. It's rare down here. Kind of like winning a BCS Championship up there.
67
2,107
1,063
It’s Spring Break in Alabama and you know what that means? A bunch of Salt Life stickers are finally gonna see the beach for the first time.
7
191
1,056
Mississippians: We want a lottery!
MS Lawmakers: Cool. Here ya go.
Alabamians: We also want a lottery!
AL Lawmakers: Ok, but hear me out. What if we made the state bird a gun instead?
15
320
983
I can go ahead and cross “have the CDC director stare unamused at Savannah Guthrie as she reads my joke” off my 2022 goal list.
48
56
1,020
Only in Alabama can you get your GED, celebrate with a new tattoo, buy a gun, and find Jesus without leaving the same shopping center.
38
473
963
UPDATE: Alabama will soon be crippled by an inch of snow. Travel will be impossible. Food will be rationed. May God have mercy on your soul.
11
749
1,011
I’d like to think Alabama makes the right choice tomorrow, but I’ve seen how much we struggle with self-checkout machines and 2 lane drive-thrus.
22
316
948
BREAKING: Local mom causes children to be late on 1st day of school after a 2-hour photo session in driveway. See Facebook for more details.
5
234
997
THEY CALLED THEMSELVES JEFFERSON PILOT SPORTS AND THEY ONLY DID FOOTBALL AT ELEVEN A.M. AND GAVE NO UPDATES FROM THE OUTSIDE WORLD IT WAS LIKE THE UNIVERSE STOOD STILL SO WE COULD WATCH KENTUCKY VS LSU WITH ALL THREE DAVES
18
108
1,002
