I do @b3ta / @fesshole / @anon_opin contact email: robmanuel at gmail dot com Buy TICKETS for my live show: bit.ly/FessholeLiveShow
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- Followers 38,697
- Likes 76,127
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FESSHOLE LIVE TICKETS
23 Apr 2026 - Malmö Live, Malmö, Sweden
25 Apr 2026 - Bio Skandia, Stockholm, Sweden
14 May 2026 - 53Two, Manchester
18 Jun 2026 - New Adelphi Club, Hull
20 Jun 2026 - Cambridge Junction
sites.google.com/view/fessho…
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Bungle has climbed inside the laundry basket, and it looks like some early 2000s music video
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++ PIG BREEDS YOU'D BELIEVE WERE FONTS ++
Aksai Black Pied
Basque
Beijing Black
Breitovo
British Landrace
Chato Murciano
Iberian
Juliana
Mangalitsa
++ FONTS YOU'D BELIEVE WERE PIG BREEDS ++
Cholla Slab
Gloucester
Granjon
Perpetua
Rockwell
Cloister Black
Wilson Greek
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This might be the best ad I've ever seen - I mean, you go from having no interest to considering signing up in about 10 seconds.
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The Vatican are allowed to take part in Eurovision and really it's a missed opportunity that they don't - either gag entries like the Pope rapping from the Pope mobile - or take it 100% serious and write a new hymn every year for square kids to sing at school.
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I'm finishing two days in a Premier Inn and having breakfast, doing a bit of light work on my laptop and vaguely thinking I could live here. What do I really need? I've got bed, a desk, wi-fi, a shower and unlimited breakfast sausages. Then I realised I've become Alan Partridge.
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Twitter is a dating service for matching strangers with the hills that they didn’t know they wanted to die on
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I once wrote a bot that found people replying to Prison Paul and then replied to them with a UK TV catchphrase and saw how long it it could keep it going. It was quite effective.
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Designer: So what font shall we use on this bottle of orange juice?
Client: All of them
Designer: Even the Blade Runner one?
Client: Yes
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This man is in spitting distance of becoming Prime Minister and he doesn't even understand how capos work
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Get your 'Twitter racist' name by taking your dad's name and adding about 6 random numbers to it & setting up a profile with an English flag
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Why didn't you raise £50k to help homeless off the streets instead of making a weird balloon?
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This comment on the Guardian Ghostbusters review must win some sort of prize for weirdness
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Love this shot. Maid sorting the bed whilst the rich artists wait to do their protest. Photographer totally saw the moment and took it.
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|￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣|
PLEASE SHUT DOWN
TWITTER AT 10:30PM
SO PEOPLE
CAN SLEEP
|＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿|
\ (•◡•) /
\ /
---
| |
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All the royal palaver has alerted me to one thing I think is oddly cool, which I’ve just nipped out to photo. I live a couple of mins walk from this postbox, which is one of about 130 marked E VIII R, produced in 1936, for the soon to abdicate King.
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Maybe if the BBC had a channel called BBC Respect and it just broadcast flags and photos of important Tories and Royals all day and then the rest of the output could be left alone?
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This is the best way to negotiate. She's going to be great at Brexit.
nitter.app/cononeilluk/status/873…
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Toby Young is taking his forced resignation well
Man overdoses on Viagra in airport, strips naked and hurls his own poo at everyone trib.al/uuLOwcU
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For anyone worried about their A-level results remember that it's too late to stop climate change & most of you will die fighting for water
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Most tweets are improved by reading them in a faux cockney accent and then shouting 'PARKLIFE!'
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Weeds will, weeds will, wreck you
Brian May hospitalised after tearing buttock muscles while gardening theguardian.com/music/2020/m…
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This is a real story & not a metaphor for leaving the EU.
But it also serves as an EXACT metaphor for leaving the EU
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What is the best rhyme in pop? And if you don't think it's ABBA's Super Trouper with Glasgow/last show then you are wrong.
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Just wrote some code that took film names and ran them through a thesaurus - here's a few I liked
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Well my joke has resulted in Lily Allen changing her Twitter name.
I'm not going to be able to top that am I?
That's my Twittering done.
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An unfamiliar toddler just snowballed my crotch in the street & shouted triumphantly at his father “I got that man in the penis”
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Well this sucks. @fesshole suspended and I don't know why. I'm very happy to try and make the account work within the rules of Twitter - but I don't know what we've done wrong. 900k followers in the bin! Is there anyone at Twitter who can explain what's going on?
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The Beatles' Drive My Car lyrics put through code that looks up each word in a thesaurus and picks a random one
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Friend once interviewed Morrissey in LA for a TV show. He received an angry fax demanding the interview be refilmed as vegetarian Morrissey had been filmed sitting on a leather chair. That this leather chair was Mozzer's own and in his own home was beside the point.
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If there's something strange in you neighbourhood. Who you gonna call?
THE COUNCIL
If there's something weird and it don't look good. Who you gonna call?
THE POLICE
If you're seeing things running through your head? Who you gonna call?
NHS HOTLINE
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So apparently "bite" means "penis" in French which makes this poster kind of wonderful. Know any others?
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Turns out that someone from a younger generation absolutely nailing a song from my youth is a fantastic way to make me go “yeah actually Harry Styles is alright isn’t he”
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It's a tragedy that the BBC is so cowed by fear of Tories chopping them up and selling bits off that this article buries the lede that 88% of Tory political ads mislead as compared to 0% for Labour. Still, they published it, which is better than nothing.
bbc.co.uk/news/technology-50…
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About 14% of adults in the UK still smoke if you're wondering how many people can ignore unambiguous medical evidence because it's clashes with what they want to do anyway.
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The only 5G conspiracy theory you need is that we wouldn't need more bandwidth if the advertising industry could write competent code that didn't turn every website into unusable, slow-loading mess.
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I'm not saying the left always brings a quinoa salad to a gun fight but the Guardian did just publish this
Why poetry is the perfect weapon to fight Donald Trump d.gu.com/NfNqtN
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The little X by each of these phrases means these are @LouiseMensch's own searches and NOT autocompletes
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Out of respect to the Queen we're going to continue publishing @b3ta, @fesshole and @swearclock. It's what she would have wanted.
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Daily Mail stasi digging through this woman's background to find anything to make people hate her are struggling here. "Really likes rabbits" is pretty weak.
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Men. Please start phoning each other up again for a chat instead of launching new podcasts. Thank you.
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As there is a surprising amount of interest in this - this was the sequence of prompts that brought this odd picture forth - and also me quizzing GPT4 to try and get it to explain itself
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BREAKING First pictures of Boris Johnson and Carrie Symonds' secret Westminster wedding mirror.co.uk/news/politics/b…
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Amazon should have a system, for repeat customers, where stuff comes in reusable boxes, and they take away the boxes with your next delivery. And bloody reuse them. Sort that out Bezos, you rich space twat.
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I'm loving laughing at Theresa May's failure. But we are basically the passengers on the Titanic giggling at captain crashing into iceberg.
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Increasingly uncomfortable with Facebook doing this. I live 6 miles away. Feels like they're adding to people's stress to drive engagement.
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I've got a counter hot take on the Trump portrait. It's good. A portrait should reveal something about a subject, and with Trump's approval of this print, with old presidents in thrall to him, it reveals Trump craving the respectability and status he doesn't have.
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If there's anything right in this world, this should be his bacon sandwich moment.
Tell me you've never seen a hammer before without telling me you've never seen a hammer before.
nitter.app/Flip5ide666/status/172…
Community note
This is not the full clip. The full clip shows the worker explicitly telling Rishi Sunak to use the hammer sideways.
Full clip: nitter.app/PolitlcsUK/sta
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As a public service broadcaster I genuinely think the BBC should make long form gaming vlogger videos on YouTube but presented by people who aren't sexist, alt-right or swearing all the time. Parents need this as it's what kids watch.
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Working at small agency & our big client was Greenpeace. An email came in from supporter asking what we were going to do about saving the whales. Sent group email to office saying “the plan is to eat them - the white meat of the sea” And yes accidentally sent it to supporter...
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Just donated to Wikipedia after noticing Elon Musk taking potshots at it. It's amongst best things the internet has to offer and one of the few websites that's not shitter than it was 10 years ago. Protect it.
donate.wikimedia.org/
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No YOU bought an old ZX Spectrum game on tape because the title suggests something different 30 odd years later
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The camera person following it. "Oh god, this is good, he's doing it, he's doing it, pan and zoom"
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Idly sticking random opinions from @anon_opin into a Guardian meme template and honestly I think they'd publish the lot
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So many Tory MPs are stepping down (79) that I had to rotate my monitor to fit them all on the same screen
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The worst trend on CDs was the bonus track that kicks in after 20 minutes of silence.
I know this was years ago, but I'm still angry.
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Why can't we just clap them instead of paying them more?
BREAKING: MPs to get £3,300 pay rise as coronavirus puts millions of jobs at risk trib.al/YU1ijON
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OK we're back. Made me delete one of the confessions, which fuck it, I'm fine with deleting one of them, just happy to have the account back. (I won't tell you which one I had to delete, as that would be republishing it and asking for trouble.)
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I know accusations of hypocrisy slide off the right like shit off a shovel but this is a glorious self-own from Nadine Dorries MP
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Badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger - MUSHROOM! MUSHROOM!
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Finally science can clone her from DNA and build theme park with a real live Brontësaurus
theguardian.com/books/2019/a…
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Resisting K*t*e H*pk*ns mattered when she was on TV and had a big column in a series of national newspapers. Now she's just someone shouting shit on a Twitter account. Let her fade and whither.
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Yes Terri, sounds like you did kill her & you should probably turn yourself in to the police instead of writing to That's Life magazine
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You know what would be cool? If every time someone was born we planted an acorn. And then you could go and visit your tree as you grow up, and it would be next to your parents' trees which would be bigger. And there's Auntie Mable, who's gone now but her tree is 140 years old.
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How many retweets do you want me to get before you sack @Nigel_Farage?
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Other names Denny Laine considered before joining WIngs:
Alan Rigby
Dave Tripper
Laddy Madonna
Barry Thatweight
Chas Onion
Lenny Bee
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Who's still with the same bank because they offered £20 or something to sign up as a student and you were too lazy to ever bother changing? What a fucking genius bit of marketing that was.
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The people calling "fake" on this like I'm trying to fool anyone. There's three clues:
1. She would never say anything like this
2. That's not her name
3. She doesn't actually have four eyes
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I’ve written code that picks a random song that charted in UK charts, gets my laptop to “say” it to Alexa so Spotify will play it. Robots talking to robots.
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Sing like no one is listening; dance like nobody’s watching;
write with the confidence of a tech journalist who's never dabbled with anything technical.
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Looking forward to this sitcom where Kathy Burke and Harry Enfield play two working class builders who stick on some wigs and posh voices to sneak into a parliament bar to pull "posh totty" and accidentally end up in government
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